Plenty more where these came from!

Pull Over!

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Get your track shoes on

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Some reputation aye!

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat . . . "

Science?

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "

And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

An Unusual Funeral

Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back..

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind that were 200 men walking single file..

Tom couldn't stand the curiosity.. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

Tom asked, "What happened to her?"

The man replied "My dog bit her and she died."

Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men..

Tom asks, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"

He replied, "Get in line."

Blondes never change

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Well it COULD be the horse!

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both of his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Stormy Weather

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, okay."

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, okay."

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"

Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."

Eternal E-mail

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed,
Your eternally loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

Frequent Flier

A blonde got on a plane headed for Hawaii. Instead of sitting in Coach, where she's supposed to sit, she sat in First Class. A little ways through the flight the flight attendant comes up to her and says, " Madam, you have to go to Coach."

The blonde replies, "No, I'm going to Hawaii." Finally, after arguing with her for a few minutes, the flight attendant goes to the pilot and says, "Sir, there's a lady in First Class that is suppose to sit in Coach and she won't go."

"Show her to me and I'll go talk to her."

So the pilot went and talked to her. She picked here stuff up and went to sit in her assigned seat.

The flight attendant asked, " How'd you get her to move?" The pilot replied, " I told her that First Class wasn't going to Hawaii."

I think Bill Gates was behind this..

Jesus and Satan are chatting one day, and the subject of computer programming comes up. Soon, they're engrossed in an argument over who's the better programmer. This debate goes on for hours, and finally they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sit down in front of their computers, God says "Go!" and they begin.

For hours they sit, typing furiously, lines of code streaming up both screens. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes nearby and takes out the electricity. Two seconds later, the power comes back, and God announces that the contest is over.

"Satan," God says. "What did you come up with?"

Satan is visibly upset, and cries out "Nothing! I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out!"

"Very well. Let's see how Jesus did..."

Jesus smiled, and hit a command on his computer. Instantly the screen came alive with a magnificent display of light and color, with angelic voices pouring forth from the speakers.

Satan is amazed. "How? I lost everything, but his program is still intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles. "Jesus saves."

Green Side Up!

A woman wants the inside of her house painted so she calls a contractor in to get a price quote. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. He then goes to the window, leans out, and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. Then they wander into the next room, where she says, "In this room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!

This is too much for the woman, so she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window, 'Green side up!' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

On Bended Knee

In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:

1. They speak English.
2. When they host a "world championship" they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

Always give 100% at work:

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Fridays

And remember .......When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.

Now get back to work!

Most Definitely!

Nursery school teacher says to her class...
"Who can use the word Definitely in a sentence?"

First little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown..."

Little Abby from the back of the class stands up and says... "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says....,"Abby! Of course not!!!"

"OK, then I DEFINITELY shit my pants.

Aawww,...just skip it!

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping.

Couldn't be THAT boring?!?

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

Just a memory

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman -- because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites so that the old fellow not over exert himself.

After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expectin. Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action -- somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling which is again successful. After which, the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door, and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie - as they are laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one." The old man says ' Oh - was I here already?'

Giddy-up!

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

How do you spell...?

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

The United States Treasury has just announced it will sell three new Savings Bonds:

The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.
The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity
The Bill Clinton bond which has no principal!

Truck fer Sale???

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.

The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries".

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale'.

Just follow me

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it" Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Walmart lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart"

Tough day on the course

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: What's wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole -- it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked: "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died; right at this very hole."

Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!

"Horrible? You think it's horrible?" Bob cried in disbelief, "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice... "

Such A Deal?!?

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, "What did you do?"

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got the hang of it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.

Well,...where were you?

A woman is hurrying along a sidewalk when she hears a voice.. "Stop! Don't take another step!"

The woman freezes, and notices that with one more step she would have fallen into an uncovered manhole.

She moves on somewhat shaken and ready to step down the sidewalk to cross the street when she hears the voice again: "Stop! Don't do it!!"

She stops, petrified, and a second later a big truck rushes by out of control. She leans against a lamp post to compose herself when she hears the voice again, this time quite relaxed.

"I am your guardian angel," sez the voice, "I assume you might have a question or two to ask me."

"Just one," answers the woman. "Where were you on my wedding day???!!! "

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