Don't hurt yourself laughing

Ah, to love longer!

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

He decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

Poof!

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*

Makes Sense To Me

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

Sunday School?

One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight year old son, Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight year old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny.

Halfway through the pastor's sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.

"Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?"

His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a pin in her son's right butt cheek.

"GOD!!!!" Cried little Johnny.

"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on.

But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question "Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" the pastor asked.

Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek.

"JESUS CHRIST!!!!" Yelled Johnny.

And once again the pastor replied "Very good."

Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question. "What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?"

But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!

How 'bout a second chance?

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Halloween Pirates

A lone child dressed as a pirate rings the doorbell at a neighbors house on halloween. When the lady of the house answers the door, she admires his pirate attire and wonders why he's alone, as most children in her neighborhood usually trick-or-treat in small groups of three or four.

Her curiosity gets the best of her as she hands him his treat, and she asks "since you are a pirate, where are your bucaneers?"

He looks up at her in amazement and replies, "in my buck'en head, where the hell else would they be?"

Amother pirate story

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

Isn't it romantic

Mike has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and returns to buys 50 acres of land in Montana as far from humanity as possible. Mike sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Montanian standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Mike, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too."

Damn, Mike thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Mike, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."

Klop, Klop, Klop

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?"

"I'm not sure, something about the emergency brake..."

Oh Sister!

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive vampyre jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking the would-be Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off our car!"

Lucky Charm

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side....

You know what?" "What dear?" She asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

You may as well start groaning now!

OK, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his "Yes Man" whose job is to follow the producer around and say, "Yes, CB," "Right, CB" and so on.

Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed--so down, in fact, that he was unable to function. So he consulted a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist quickly determined the problem, and told the Yes Man that he just had to find a release for his negative feelings by saying, "No."

"But if I said 'no' I'd get fired!" The yes man protested.

The psychiatrist said, "Oh, I don't mean on the job. I mean go out to the Grand Canyon and find a ledge off the trail. There, you can yell 'NO!' to your heart's content and no one will be the wiser."

So the Yes Man decided to try it. He went to the Grand Canyon and found a spot off the trail, and stood there and very timidly said, "no." It felt good, so he tried it a little louder, "No." Even better! Soon he was shouting "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!" at the top of his lungs and feeling great.

He went back to work a changed man, and said "Yes!" with all the proper enthusiasm, knowing that on the weekend he could escape to the Grand Canyon and say "NO!" Other Yes Men noticed his changed attitude, asked him the secret, and also decided to try it. Soon every weekend the Grand Canyon was crammed with Yes Men shouting "NO!"

A new Yes Man came to Hollywood, and he too felt the need of such a release; but when he tried to find a ledge in the Grand Canyon, all of them were taken. He hunted and hunted, but every place he found was already taken by another Yes Man.

Finally he found a tiny ledge which had been overlooked because of its small size. Nevertheless thankful, he gingerly stepped onto it and said a quiet "No." It felt great!

So he wound himself up and released an enormous "NO!" In doing so, he lost his balance and fell to his death. Which just goes to prove that a little No Ledge is a dangerous thing.

Funny, but True

In Melbourne, Florida, one of the radio stations paid money ($100-$500) for pholks to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner, a local Melbourne lady, $300....

"I was due later in that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any spare time. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth, and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car, and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room, and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.

I was a little surprised when he said, "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond.

The appointment over, I heaved a heavy sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, some cleaning, the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening, my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance when she called down from the bathrooom, "Mom! Where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another one from the cabinet. She called back, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it!"

Is this a long distance call?

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the Obits page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous..

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up yet?"

Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"

"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"

"All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"

"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."

"Why? What's that story on?"

"Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?"

There's no "accounting" for good taste!

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that read:

Dear Wife: I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that reads as follows:

Dear Husband : I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.

Being an accountant, you will, of course, appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Ain't Love Grand!

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife sez, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."

Sssshhhhhhh!!!

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.

So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a peptalk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot.

~WHAM~

He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake,

~WHAM~

He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen, he's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says,

"Shhh, they're getting closer...."

Enough...if I laugh any harder, I'll need clean underwear

Email: ray.rannala@theoffice.net