
Howdy Pardner!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Three Vampires at the Bar
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender,
"Two bloods and a blood light!"
Abstinence (or, 'attend the church of your choice')
Ouch!Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either.
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried. "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had!
But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit his guide dog bit me."
Kids say the darndest things!
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why...just look at his pretty little eyes... Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said, "Why, yes ... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"
That's some green thumb?!?
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomaotes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and procedded to expose yourself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "Any luck with you tomatoes?" "No," she replied excitedly. . .
"But you should see the size of my cucumbers!!"
Touching, isn't it?
Three tough miceOne night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"
Touche!!!Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."
A shy man was at a club and he sees a beautiful woman against the back wall. He is, of course, to shy to approach her, so he sits at the bar for a few hours drinking away his troubles. He look back over later and she's still there.
He figures, "what the hell, you only die once," and he approaches the woman.
"Excuse me, can I buy you a drink?"
"NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU!" screams the woman.
The man is mortified and shrinks back to the bar. A few minutes later the woman comes up to him.
"I'm sorry about that. You see, I'm a physcology student and I'm studying how people react to embarrassing situations.
To which the man replies, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, $50?"
Yeah,...Fight like a man!!
There were three characters talking in the local pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third dude remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.""
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."
Of course you know it's true!
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
OOOOWWCHHH!Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
Wonder if it's incurable?
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.""Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
A Childs view of retirement in a mobile home park!
After a February break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays, One small boy's reply went like this:
We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They use to live here in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.
They live in a place with a lot of retarded people. They live in tin huts. They ride big three wheel tricycles. They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand there in the water with their hats on -- I guess they don't know how to swim.
My Grandma use to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there -- they all go to fast food restaurants, as you come to the park there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day, So they can't get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they don't know who they are.
My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned this retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house won't let them out.
The wages of gravity!
Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like,"You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, " do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
Excuses, excuses...
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Bathroom Stall Wisdom
* Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
* There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
* Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
* The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires.
* Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
* Families are like fudge.... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
* Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
* Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
* Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
* My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
* If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
* Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
* Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
* You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Words to live by!
* If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
* Oil spills give new meaning to the phrase "from sea to shining sea."
* Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
* The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
* The next time you hear a sneeze in the kitchen, cancel that order for a plate of nachos.
* It take a big man to cry... and an even bigger man to laugh at him.
* Two wrongs never make a right... except in Palatka on a Friday night
* As they say in the country, 'a bird in the hand... is fixin' to peck the hell out of you, stupid!'
Now that's some Bull!
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
I'm laughing too hard, take me BACK!
Email: ray.rannala@theoffice.net