Hoo Boy! Another Joke page from Ray


FORE!

Jesus and Moses are golfing one day, and they reach a very difficult hole. Moses takes out a three wood, and drives it onto the green with his first shot.

Jesus then takes out a one wood, to which Moses replies "Are you mad!? I just hit clear to the green in one shot with a three and now you're going to try a one!?" "Tiger Woods would use a one," replies Jesus. He hits it straight into a water trap.

"So there" says Moses, who then parts the water and lets Jesus get his ball out. Jesus tees off again, with his one, and hits it into the water. Moses parts it again and Jesus gets ready to tee off again. He uses the one, and the ball goes right back into the water. "That's it" says Moses, "I'm not getting the ball out if you won't listen to me."

"Fine" says Jesus, "I can get it out myself." He walks off towards the water trap. Before he gets there, however, the group behind them comes over to play the hole, and watch with amazement as Jesus walks across the water, pulls out his ball, and finally chips it onto the green.

"Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ!?" exclaims one of them. "No," replies Moses, "he thinks he's Tiger Woods."

Is this how Rodney King Started?

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"

Two Birdies with one stone

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Just standin' Around

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue,' "Eat something. I stood at the Smiths like an idiot for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

But maybe the dog was tired?

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate."

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"

Maybe size does matter?!

When Blue Collar workers get together, they talk about football... When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis... When Top Management get together, they talk about golf...

Logical Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

Why didn't I think of that?

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great biznessman of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Ouch!!

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a group of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She said, "please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd let me."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants and put her hand inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "how does that feel?"

To which he replied, "it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

And then the hearing starts to go

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Be careful of what you taste!

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, and said, "I bet I know what it is ... some flowers." "How did you know?" asked the young fella. "Just a guess," she smiled.
The candy store owner's daughter gave her a gift. The teacher shook it. "I can guess ... a box of candy." "Yes!" said the little girl. "How did you know?" "Just a lucky guess," winked the teacher.
The liquor store owner's son approached with a large gift. When the teacher shook it, the package started leaking. She touched her finger to the leak and tasted it. "Is it wine?" The boy shook his head no. She tasted again. "Champagne?" No, said the boy. "I give up," said the teacher. "What is it?" Replied the boy: "A puppy!"

The Gates of Hell

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before.

I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine" said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water????"

"That was the DEMO," replied God

Couldn't the Tidy-Bowl man help?

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving...., he ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Down Home thinkin!

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon!"

The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!"

"God, son! You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as heck isn't good enough for ours!"

Haircut?

A Young man had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, a minister if they could discuss the use of the car. His farther said, "I'll make deal with you, You bring up your grades, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After a month the son asked again about the car. His father said "Son I've been real proud of you. You brought up your grades and studied your Bible, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and replied, You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father said "Yes, and they walked everywhere then went."

A Classic Nursing Home Joke

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

Hunting Regulations

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00

370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tortfeasors, 1; Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).

ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

Was that cowboy blonde?

Cowboy gets all dressed up in his rhinestone shirt, his black stetson,snakeskin boots and his best pair of wranglers. Walks into the bar and orders a Lonestar beer.

The woman a few stools down turns to the cowboy and asks: "Are you really a cowboy?"

The cowboy replies: "Well, all ma' life I have been drivin cattle, breakin' horses,ropin'steer,and fixin' fences. So I reckin' I'm a real cowboy. Why, what are you?"

The woman says proudly: "I'm a lesbian."

"What's a lesbian do?" asked the cowboy.

To which the woman says: " I think about women all the time. When I wake up, I think about women. When I go to bed I think about women. Whether I am eating,sleeping or watching tv, I am always thinking about women." After a few drinks the woman leaves.

A couple walks up to the bar. The female admiring the cowboys' shirt asks: "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Nope." says the cowboy. "No ma'am,about five minutes ago I found out that I was a lesbian."

Forgive me father...

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery. "Priest says: "How many times? "Woman: "Three times. "Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.

"A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned. "Priest says, "What did you do? "Man says, "I committed adultery. "Priest asks, "How many times? "Man replies, "Three times. "Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.

"The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned. "Rabbi says, "What did you do?" Woman replies, "I committed adultery. "Rabbi ask, "How many times?" Woman says "Once." Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."

FIRE!!!

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our truck!"

Who says the Civil War is over?

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

How 'bout a loan?

This frog was really down on his luck. All he had left in the world was this little ceramic figurine his mother had willed him when she croaked.

He decided he'd go to the bank and get a loan so he could improve his lot in life. He wrapped up the figurine and hopped on down to the local bank.

When he got to the bank, the bank receptionist directed him to a loan officer by the name of Mr. Paddywack.

Mr. Paddywack took one look at the frog and knew his day was ruined. "Ok, he said, what can I do for you?"

"Well, I'd like a small loan," the frog said,"so I can get back on my feet."

"We don't usually lend money to frogs," Paddywack said. "Do you have anything in the way of collateral?"

The frog held up the figurine and said, "Well, I have this." (showing the figurine)

Paddywack rolled his eyes and said, "I'm going to have to ask my manager."

He went to find the manager, and told him, "You're not going to believe this. There's this frog out here, who wants money. He has this figurine for collateral. Have you ever heard of something so dumb?"

The manager scowled at him and said....

"For God's sake, it's a knickknack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan."
Ok, OK, Stop Groaning!

Senility Acceptance Prayer