Yet another bunch of really funny e-mail Jokes from Ray

The jokes just keep pouring in,please enjoy them, and don't hesitate to make copies and mail them along to your friends.
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The Hunters Dilemma

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, I thought I told you to be quiet! Jerry says, Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled by me, I didn't make a sound, when that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep, but when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, "Should we take them with us or eat them here?" then I COULDN'T KEEP QUIET ANY MORE!!!

Don't drink the OJ!

Eighty-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great, physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself? Do you have a good relationship with God?"

"God and me are tight," George replied. "We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof! -- the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then, poof! -- the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically, he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! -- the light goes on in the bathroom and then, poof! -- the light goes off?"

Thelma replied, "Darn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Sure, he can play it!

Captain Queeg goes into a harbor bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll bet $50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument that this here octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old mandolin.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes it, and starts playing a few choruses of "Rawhide." Captain Queeg quickly pockets the fifty bucks.

The next bar patron comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its chops and starts playing "Stella By Starlight." Yet another $50 is handed over to the smiling captain.

The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears into the back room, returning a few minutes with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the captain and his octopus, "Now, I'll bet you a hundred dollars your damn octopus can't play that!"

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from a different angle and then starts the process over again.

Puzzled, the captain comes over to the octopus and asks, "What are you waiting around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"

"Play it, hell!" frowned the octopus. "As soon as I figure out how to get her pajamas off, we're outta here!"

New Collector for the Mob!

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs,"Where's the money?"

The deaf man signs in response, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about"

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signs back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

The interpreter looks to the hood and says, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger.

And I mean it!

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Just a bit too busy!

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

Alabama Boy!

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny.

As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20.

Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.

His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

Trust Me!

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town.

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. "Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?" asked the man. "Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie," said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cross the man's face, the doctor said, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."

So, the next day the man brings in the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. "Drop your pants, and bend over," says the doctor. "What?" says the man. "Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. "Whoa! Hold on a minute, Jack!" screams the man. "Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. "Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie," says the doctor. As the infuriated man starts to protest the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."

So, the man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over," says the doctor. "This again?" yells the man. "Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. "Oh! I can't believe I'm doing this!" says the man. "Hold still now and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. "Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard boiled egg and another lemon cookie," says the doctor. As the man starts to shake his head the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."

So, this goes on all week until one day, after the man pulls up his pants, the doctor says, "Now come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a hammer." As the man turns pale the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."

The man gets no sleep that night worried to death about what the hammer is going to feel like when it gets shoved up in him. He almost stays home, but he still feels sick. So far the treatments haven't helped and he's afraid he'll have to start over if he goes to a new doctor.

The man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the hammer. "Drop your pants and bend over," says the doctor. "But, why do we need a hammer?" asks the man nervously. "Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. The man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. "Please!" says the man, terrified of what is to come next. "Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.

About a minute later, the man is about to pass out from terror and he is involuntarily clenching his rear as tight as he can. Then nothing happens. Several more minutes pass and he starts to relax. The man is about to straighten up and ask the doctor what happened when the tapeworm stuck its head out his rear and yells, "Where's my lemon cookie?!"

And WHAM! Down comes the hammer.


Not really a joke, but really funny anyway!

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks. The name of the company:

"The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company"

Sand?

A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan to which the guard replies, "We'll just see about that..." The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand. Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens -- Juan approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?" and Juan replies, "Sand." Again the guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border.

This sequence is repeated every day for several months until finally the guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks in.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling something... It's been driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."


Newlywed Octogenarian

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman -- because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites so that the old fellow not over exert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting, sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action -- somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more - once again they do the horizontal boogie - as they are laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."

Magicians Repy

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then-just tell my wife!"

Ooops!- Need some driving lessons??

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Baseball in heaven

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Keep her away from the bug zapper!

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attracting' them?"

Must Be Flu Season

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise.

Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.

And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

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Email: ray.rannala@theoffice.net