Don't hurt yourself laughing!



AAAaaaaaaaachoo!

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Big Disappointment!

Father O'Malley was reviewing the homework in the Biology class one morning. "Mary Margaret", he said,"can you tell us what part of the body expands to ten times its size when excited?"

Mary Margaret blushed and exclaimed, "Why, Father! I'm going to tell my parents what you said. You should be ashamed of yourself, saying things like that in a church school."

Father O'Malley asked another student, Maria Theresa, is she knew theanswer. Maria Theresa said, "It's the iris of the eye." "Correct", said Father O'Malley.

Then he turned and said, "Mary Margaret,I have just three things to say to you. First, you have a very dirty mind.

Second, you obviously did not do your Biology homework last night.

Third, when you get a little older you are going to be very disappointed."

I wanna join!

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady ponders for a few seconds, then says, "Well no, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Can I get my money back?

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me. smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel beside the pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The huge man: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist greets him; "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."

Bob replied: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

Subject: EMBRYOLOGY 101

ALL BABIES start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications centre of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.

If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.

Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls.

Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.

This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.

After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man.

In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." {hey guys ... I didn't write this originally. Send your letters of complaint to the Republican National Party at ...}

A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins.

These men are usually referred to as...."Mr. President."

Now THAT'S Planning!

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son. .. we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Curses!!

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Language Barrier

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

What a Country?!?(Russia, that is)

Boris, a Russian man, saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman, "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on a Thursday.

Boris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says Boris. "The plumber is coming that morning!"

A revelation all right!

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10" .

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

A bright spot

A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it." replied the blond.

"Did you drop it right here?" asked the cop.

"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."

Some Deal!

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, 'What is wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make.

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

The rest is history....

No more Fast Food!

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible, doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept everything off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?" "Oh, no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

Long Live Stereotypes!

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The thrifty Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

Just love them Blondes!

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.

On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt {obviously a gal wrote this ... or some dude from the wrong end of Duval St.} but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.

The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

An interesting place to work

Can you imagine working at the following Company?

It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?





Give up?




It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Eureeka!

They have finally released the ingredients found in the wonder-drug Viagra:

2% aspirin
2% ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
95% Fix-A-Flat
Giddyap!

The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.

After a short recovery period from the surgery, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.

"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"

"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"

Winter Woes

60 degrees above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat
People in New England plant gardens

50 Degrees above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably
People in New England sunbathe

40 degrees above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start
People in New England drive with the windows open

32 degrees above zero:
Distilled water freezes
Moosehead Lake's water gets thicker

20 degrees above zero:
Texans & Floridians don coats, thermal underwear and wool hats
People in New England throw on a flannel shirt

15 degrees above zero:
New York Landlords finally turn up the heat
People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold

Zero:
People in Miami all die
New Englanders close the windows

10 below zero:
All Californians and Texans fly to Mexico
People in New England get their winter coats out

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates
The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington, DC runs out of hot air
People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
New Englanders get frustrated they can't start the "Kah"

460 degrees below zero:
All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale)
People in New England start saying "Cold 'nuf for ya?"

500 degrees below zero
Hell freezes over
Boston Red Sox win the World Series

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