
The Jokes!
It's great not being a blonde!
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACYS wrong."A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."Two blondes were on opposite banks of a river One blond yelled to the other, "How do I get to the other side?"
The other one yelled back, "You're already on the other side."Generosity?
Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair and more than generous, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Confession
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
"NO, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Who is this?
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup and when she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said that he was pleased and that she is in great shape, and happily announced that she was also one month pregnant. She told the doctor that there was no way she could be pregnant, but the doctor insisted.
Hillary stormed out of the office, went to the receptionist and asked to call the White House. When the operator answered, she explained that it was Hillary and that she needed to talk with Bill right away.
The operator rang the oval office, Bill answered and Hillary said, "I can't believe it! I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, "I am pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who is this?"
Don't lose that spot!
Two friends from Alabama rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "Make sure you mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow."
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the same one said, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You are such a dang fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
What was his religion again???
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
More religious humor!
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby.uot; St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."
Priorities
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.
"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
One Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines"
Not exactly Chapstick!
That is like the American who signed up for a yuppy camel caravan. After a few hours he told the Saudi tour leader that he was getting parched lips. The Saudi waved him to the back of the camel, lifted the tail and stuck his lips in the camel's butt and rubbed them around. The American said,"how clever, I'll bet there are natural ingredients like lanolin there that moisturizes your lips and keeps them from getting parched."
"Not exactly" says the Saudi " but it sure keeps you from licking them."
Sweet Home Arkansas - A collection of Arkansas humor
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
What do a Divorce in Arkansas, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody is fixin' to lose them a house trailer.
Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.
What do you get when you have 32 people from Arkansas in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
Everyone there has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the Governor's Mansion in Arkansas burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.
Two Arkansas people are walking down different ends of a street toward each other. One is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "HeyTommy say, whatcha got in the bag?" "Just some chickens." "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?" "Hell, l'll give you both of them!" "OK. uummmm......five?"
An Arkansas man came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!!"
"OK", replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
The Arkansas man and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?" "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
An Arkansas hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The Arkansas man noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said, "They're to hold my balls when I drive." "Boy," exclaimed the Arkansasan, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they."
In Arkansas,legislation raised the drinking age to 38 years. They are trying to keep alcohol out of the public schools
Biblical golfing
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop messing around, we won't bring you next time!"
Religious Bear
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
"Thank you,God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
Fishy Accounting practices
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Teacher's Note
Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I
have the same problem with his Father."
Why does he wear black?
Eight-year-old Amanda sat quietly in church at her mother's side. It was the
first wedding Amanda had ever attended.
She leaned toward her mother and whispered,"Why is the bride dressed in
white?"
Wishing to keep it simple, her mother explained, "White is the color of joy,
and today is most joyful day of her life,"
Amanda nodded and asked, "Why is the groom wearing black?"
Clinton in the Land of Oz
President Clinton, VP Al Gore, and Speaker of the House Gingrich,
are traveling in a car together in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them
thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze..
When they come to the extract themselves from the vehicle, they
realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz..
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known
for granting people their wishes..
Al Gore says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
TEACHING THE NATIVES
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and
build things to be self sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He
thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak
English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and tells the chief, "this is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and
the padre points to a rock and says, "this is a rock."
At which the chief looks and grunts, "rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst
of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly
responds, "riding a bicycle."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so... how could
he kill these people??
The chief calmly replied, "Him riding MY bicycle."
The story of Easter!
One Easter morning, a Sunday School teacher asked
her class if they knew the origins of this, special
day.
One young man responded immediately, "It's opening
day for the Yankees and Giants". Not wishing to
stifle creative thinking, the teacher responded,
"What a wonderful answer!
But I had something else in mind".
A young girl then stood and remarked, "That's the day
we get nice new clothes and go find the eggs from the
Easter Bunny. "That's right", said the teacher," But
there's something else just a little more important.
A young man then jumped up and yelled, "I know, I
know!!. "After Jesus died on the cross, some of his
friends buried him in a tomb they called a sepulcher".
The teacher thought, "I don't believe it, someone
actually knows". The little boy continued, "and three
days later Jesus arose and opened the door of the
tomb and stepped out". "Yes, yes, said teacher,
"Go on, go on! And the youngster said "And if he sees
his shadow, we have six more weeks of bad weather".
...and now for a little religious humor!
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi
notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private
chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that
the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi
holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says.
"Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone
charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the
pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right!
The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later,
the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's
chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct
line to the Lord.
The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine
consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly
agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the
Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi
refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Chief Rabbi relents
and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call."
To add to this list, email a joke to me!
Email: ray.rannala@theoffice.net