Some Valentine's Yuks!


A Romantic Poem

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue,
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's, and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excites me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as SunDrop, right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven! Plumb outta my wits!

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me, back in '74.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles, and stick 'em in the can.
Yore as strong as a four-wheeler, racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger, named Naomi Judd.

Yore as cute as a junebug, a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant, upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern, like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life, like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight, like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old, like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks, and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together; like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate, for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger; "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds, from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds; It's a new trollin' motor!


THE TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS...

10) Thinking of you sweetheart, which, technically, the court order can't prevent.
9) Just wanted to say "I love you" when I wasn't falling down drunk.
8) If only we weren't so closely related!
7) Even though I'm a Bosnian Serb, You're my favorite Croat Muslim!
6) I'm too shy to ask in person, but what is that thing on your face? A mole, a wart? WHAT????
5) You're too beautiful to resist, my under-the-ether dental patient
4) I'm more than half interested in you, my hermaphroditic darling
3) The Medicated Shampoo Took Care of It.
2) I'm Glad the Arkansas State Troopers Brought You to My Hotel Room, Valentine
1) I'll Give You Money To Have Sex With Me.


HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again - NOW!.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:

Show up naked.


CHILDREN'S PERSPECTIVE ON ROMANCE & MARRIAGE:

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents."
-Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, "I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me." Then she says, "Yes," but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out.
-Anita, AGE 9

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, AGE 8

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
-Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with."
-Kirsten, age 10

CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED:

"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
-Bert, AGE 5

“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!"
-Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!"
-Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
-Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
-Derrick, age 8

HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids."
-Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10

"Many dater's just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
-Lynnette, age 8

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, AGE 9

"When they're rich!"
-Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
-Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do."
-Howard, age 8

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan."
-Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
-Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, AGE 7

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!"
-Theodore, age 8

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
-Kirsten, age 10

WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR A YOUNG COUPLE ABOUT TO BE MARRIED?

"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'"
-Craig, age 9

WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together."
-Marlon, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!"
-Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it."
-Lori, age 8

ABOUT GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME:

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one."
-Angie L., age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
-Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!"
-Roberta, age 7


Valentine's Day is time for coming together. A time for making new relationships. In the spirit of the season, here are 25 of the worst pickup lines of all time.

1.. My wife just doesn't understand me.

2.. Your father must be a thief because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.

3.. You want fries with that?

4.. Did you make your own jacket?

5.. I'm looking for a sturdy-type woman to bear my children and work my farm.

6.. Excuse me, but ... would you like to see my collection of curly nose hairs?

7.. Do you have a quarter? Because my mom said to call when I met the girl of my dreams.

8.. Bet you didn't know I can belch the alphabet.

9.. Why is your hair so big?

10.. My mom's picking me up in a half hour want a ride home?

11.. Hey, wanna come over to my place and play Twister?

12.. Your eyes are like limpid pools of primeval ooze and I'm the protozoa who longs to swim within their depths.

13.. I hate it when mom packs me baloney.

14.. So, you wanna come over and shave my back?

15.. Wanna come back to my place? I have all the Loveboat episodes taped and we can watch 'em.

16.. Whoa, that's some impressive zit you got there!

17.. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all night.

18.. Can I try on your shoes?

19.. You remind me of my mom/dad.

20.. Pull my finger.

21.. I have 11 toes.

22.. Wanna see my scar?

23.. If I could rewrite the alphabet I would put U and I together.

24.. Wanna see something scary?

25.. Don't you hate it when someone uses a cheesy pick-up line?

Enough romance for now!