
DARWIN AWARDS - 1999Yes, It is once again that time of year when we award those of our population who have successfully removed themselves from the gene pool in the most spectacularly idiotic way.
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees.
Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. {Must be them damned 15-round magazines!}
#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk." {Wot a way to go!!}
#4 - In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT. Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
#5 - MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.) {Wonder if there was any sort of money back guarantee on that vest??}
#6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
#7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....EDWARD BAKER, MANITOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens.
For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair {this guy certainly knew the meaning of the word 'style'!!}, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic.
Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
"Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel."
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said,"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
Alleged Pizza Robbers Forgot Something
SOUTH CAROLINA - Two guys forgot a critical piece of information when they allegedly held up a pizza delivery man at gunpoint: They had already given the address where the pizza was to be delivered.
Another Bright Criminal At Work
ALBUQUERQUE - Police investigating a break-in at a computer store have more than enough evidence to work with courtesy of the would-be burglar. Whoever broke into The PC Place left behind a pizza delivery hat {same guys as above??
}, a trail of blood and a pager, complete with a home phone number.
Beat Me... Hit Me... Make Me Feel Cheap!
Virginia Chadwick wanted revenge on her estranged husband. So she hired a 12-year-old girl and a 14-year-old boy for 2 pounds each (about $5) to beat someone up so she could blame it on her husband. So who was to be beaten up?. Her!
And beat up she was. This plot almost worked too. Her husband Paul, 31, was convicted of assault, fined and faced losing his job as a prison manager. But the kids admitted the whole story about how she paid them to hit her in the face (of all places) with a can of beans. She's being charged with perjury.
Computer Porn, The Church & Harvard
The dean of Harvard Divinity School was forced to step down after pornographic images were found on his university-owned computer. The matter came to light last fall after Ronald F. Thiemann (the dean) asked for help from Harvard technicians in transferring computer files at his university-owned dean's residence. The technicians found thousands of pornographic files and told their supervisors.
Man Crashes Car As 50 Pagers Ring At Once
A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a gift was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post. The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened. With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching frightening him enough to lose control of the car and plough into the lamp post. After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: "Congratulations on a successful purchase!"
Police In Dilemma Over Fake Nudes
SALEM - Police are trying to determine if a local man has broken any laws by mailing local women faked nude photos of themselves... then threatening to make them public. The suspect has not been arrested because police aren't sure he's broken any laws. One officer says the pictures are offensive and objectionable, but they may not be illegal. The suspect apparently got the photos of women's faces from newspaper ads placed by their businesses... such as real estate firms. Then he used a computer to superimpose the photos on nude figures.
Nude Dancers Violate NAFTA
In a real setback for free trade, Mexico has ruled that nude dancers do not meet the provisions of the North American Free Trade Agreement, which allow visas for "high-technology" workers. The NAFTA agreement permits the transfer of employees of multi- national companies who possess "special skills." After hours of deliberation it was determined that table dancers, do not possess "special skills" as defined by the agreement.
No more edible underwear
HOUSTON - A sex novelty shop has been forced to stop selling edible underwear because it doesn't have a food service license. "It's so silly," said Myrtle Freeman, owner of Condoms & More. A constituent complained about the store to City Councilman Robb Todd, who sent city health inspectors to check whether Ms. Freeman had a license to sell the edible underwear.
And Now for some stupid business!
Click HERE for idiocy in business
Famous Marketing Screw Ups
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read. {yum, yum}
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). {out there somewhere there's a translator getting their resume handy...}
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." {kinky!! In West Virginia I understand that they do the same thing with sheep...}
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
Now Back to remarkably stupid stuff >
And you thought Gilligan was a dope!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform.
It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Nitwits in the NEWS!From the CHESTERFIELD & DRONFIELD GAZETTE (20TH MAY 1988)
A lonely heart who placed an ad in an unnamed Yorkshire, England, paper seeking to meet a lady for outings and friendship received one reply - from his mother.NEWS OF THE WORLD (15TH DEC 1991)
Had the poor schmuck above had better luck, he would have been wise not to use the condoms issued by the New Zealand Health Department in their safe-sex guide. They were attached to the booklet by a staple through the middle.THE GUARDIAN (26TH APR 1989)
La Cicciolina, the Italian porn star turned prominent Italian politician, returned to her native Hungary in 1989 to visit the hamlet of Kiskunhalas in order to celebrate the departure of Soviet military forces from the land they had occupied since 1945.She marked the beginning of the withdrawal by releasing a white dove, but could only watch, along with horrified villagers, as the symbolic bird fluttered down onto the railway transporter's loading ramp and the first tank of the first regiment of the Soviet Southern Army Group 13th Division rolled right over it.
OBSERVER (4TH OCT 1992)
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. Two of the most expensive of the animals were reintroduced to the wild at a special ceremony. Within two minutes they were both eaten by a killer whale.
Real Ads from these same papers
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 {ouch!!}
BLACK FACE COWS, CALVES...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. {gay bull?!!? not much good for stud purposes, I'm afraid... I guess he's either an artist or future hamburger...}
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER -$300. {clearly an optimist!! LOL!}
'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK --$2000
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG. {someone with a sense of humour here!!}
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
NORDIC TRACK $300 -HARDLY USED -CALL CHUBBIE at:
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING -"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT WHILE...BETTER BE A REWARD. {another honest ad ... bad attitude, but honest...}
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER {that's kinda high for a cat, isn't it??}
'93 PONTIAC LEMONS -LOW MILES
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB -AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB --$850/offer {another optimist...}
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
True stories from Tech Support
Stupid Computer users...naaah! Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective."
Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa."
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)
Customer: "I'd like to return this scanner."
Store Clerk: "Excuse me?"
Customer: "This scanner I bought. I paid eighty dollars for this scanner, and it doesn't work!"
Store Clerk: "Uh . . . sir, that's a trackball."
Customer: "No, it isn't. It says 600 dpi tracking resolution right here!"
Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then came over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to WAIT until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?"
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it!
Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No Carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer:(proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
Email from another genious: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"