In case you haven't seen enough funny lists...


FACTS ABOUT ARKANSAS

Arkansas: An Indian word meaning trailer court

State emblem: A raccoon jimmying open an ATM machine

State Flower: The air freshener

State Bird: The used car salesman

State Tree: The stump

Nickname: The Carwash State

State Motto: Don't ask. Don't tell. Don't laugh

In 1836, a lone covered wagon heading West threw a wheel. After twenty minutes stranded in the wilderness, the family members began to look good to each other and they founded the state of Arkansas.

Arkansas has a land mass of 53,187 square miles, about half of which is abandoned trailer courts.

It was admitted to the Union on June 15 but celebrates it on the 9th. (The number 9 is significant because in Arkansas it is also the age of consent).

The capital is Little Rock, which the residents consider the most cosmopolitan city in Arkansas because it has a church, a Chinese restaurant and 450 bowling alleys. It also boasts the only McDonald's in the country that serves McSquirrel-on-a-stick.

Arkansas' most famous son was the musical genius, Wolfgang Amadeus Walmart.

English is Arkansas' second language, pointing is its first. Once considered the dumbest state in the union, Arkansas was dropped to the second dumbest state after Massachusetts renewed Teddy Kennedy's drivers license.

Civilization rooted slowly in Arkansas. Its technology peaked with the dripless candle and the doggie door. Present day inhabitants insist on watering the parking meters and dial 911 when they need help rewinding the garden hose.

At a recent International Trade Show, Arkansas introduced the designer horse blanket and the user-friendly pencil. By the turn of the century they hope to have a computer that runs on ethanol.

Arkansas is the only state in the Union in which swap meets are for arranging marriages, understandable when you consider, in the last 17 Miss Arkansas beauty contests, nobody won.

Arkansas politicians believe a good education is important as long as it doesn't get in the way of what you're trying to steal.

Universities in Arkansas have unique standards. To obtain a doctorate, a student must write his own t-shirt.

Arkansas politicians are exceptionally friendly. To shake hands with the Governor you just have to reach into your own pocket. This native Arkansan affability caused Bill Clinton to arrive late at his Presidential inauguration, when he stopped to work the crowd and reset the odometers on his motorcade. {May be a true tale, but somehow I can't imagine that 'ol Bill would be the first politician to reset an odometer!}

Technology for Country Folk...

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

1] My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2] A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3] Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4] "Hi. Now you say something."

5] "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

6] "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

7] (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

8] "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

9] "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

10] "This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

11] "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

12] "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

13] "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

14] Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15] Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Exercises to prepare for Ski Season:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubberband around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw a hundred dollar bill away-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Fill a bucket with ice. Hold hand in bucket until numb. Now, slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing

Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary

"Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass."

"I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor." {any guy who claims to be 'really romantic' likely already has a boyfriend of his own...}

"I need you" == "My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys" == "I had an accident in The War."

"I want a commitment." == "I'm getting evicted on Friday."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about" == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." {either that, or he just broke up with his last 'only love' a few days ago}

"I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it." {yes ladies -- guys brag about their conquests, but you gals do too!}

"It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." {if she's a blonde, that's perfect!! }

"She's kinda cute." == "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." {that's an interesting comment ... do any particular parts turn blue regularly?? you might want to have a doctor look at that!!}

"I don't know if I like her" == "She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much" == "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." {and the roommate works on a sheep farm, so my other options aren't very attractive...}

"Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood." {also called the 'did you notice??' response}

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Don't make jokes about Mr. Happy!!"

"I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?"

"Do you really love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out." {oh, she'll find out guy ... trust me!! sooner or later, you're doomed...}

"I have something to tell you." == "Get tested." {I had a phriend who once picked up the phone to hear no sound other than someone clapping their hands next to the receiver. Shure enough, he had it -- the 'clap', that is. Whew -- that'll ruin your day!!}

"I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." {Guys, when you get that line, just go ahead and erase them from your address book...}

"I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends." == "Your ugly." {Either that, or she's found someone else who hoists that Tent Pole of Love just a bit more robustly in the Carnival of Love ... if you get my drift. I'll betcha $10 that he's got a shaved head, and more tattoos than teeth; wanna bet?? }

"I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!"

New Barbies

Now, at long last some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr., in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self".

Us vs. Them!

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there is no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not.
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in an argument.
Anything said after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times a man does not understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

From the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns as many other languages have, and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.

Here are the best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female...Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider that it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

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