
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No thanks... just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh, the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The miracle what?! This is better than world peace.
2. 75 bucks??? You're just gonna end up naked anyway.
1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that. Too Much Coffee?!?!?!?!?
You know you drink too much coffee when...
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You speed walk in your sleep.
* You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
without using the timer.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
* You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* All your kids are named "Joe."
* You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy milk by the barrel.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You have a conniption over spilled milk.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after. {pleeze don't ask 'after what...'}
* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
* You can't even remember your second cup.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
These are real instructions!
On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.On a Swanson frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.On packaging from a Rowenta Iron.
Do not iron clothes on body.On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping pill):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping. Do not use near water.On an American Airlines package of nuts:
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.On a package of fireworks:
"Light fuse and get away!" (Made in China)On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?On a cement mixing truck:
Do Not DrinkSubject: Ad campaigns gone bad
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. In Spanish, "No va" means "it doesn't go"
1.The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention that the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into Chinese reads as "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela," meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax, "depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole," translating to "happiness in the mouth."
10.Frank Perdues' chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
It's an age thing
Age and Womanhood
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but few are brave enough to venture.
Age and Manhood
1. Between 16 and 26:
Tri-weekly2. Between 27 and 46:
Try weekly3. Over 47:
Try weakly
This just in! NEWS REPORT
This just in: September 9 was National Procrastination Day.
And now, for an update on the Commander In Heat (Leno):
In a historic move, the Starr report was released on the internet. Boy, Ibet Clinton is rethinking his goal of putting a computer in every classroom. (Leno)
Siskel and Ebert gave Clinton's video taped testimony two cigars up!
President Clinton has been meeting with a minister once a week to help him with temptation... the only problem is, she's a really hot minister.(O'Brien)
Newt Gingrich called President Clinton a misogynist and a womanizer who just uses women and then moves on to the next. The speaker's current - and second wife - was not available for comment.
Clinton said there are a lot of important issues that Congress should be focusing on, like making sure people don't lose their health care coverage when they lose their job, no matter who the person is, even if he is, say, president of the United States. (Leno)
Investigators working for congressional Republicans are recommending further charges against President Clinton for things Starr overlooked. Good thinking. *Someone* should go to jail for killing Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson.
In other news:
Congress is back at work after their summer vacation. They work for a month before wrapping up for the year. No wonder they can't get anything done.
A teenager is suing Chrysler Corp. after his friends put a hot french fry down his shirt, causing him to jump in front of his car and get run over by it. He can't win. Written in plain english on the front of the car is"Dodge".
The LA City Council voted to virtually eliminate all outdoor advertising for tobacco products. Oddly, outdoors is the only place people are permitted to smoke anymore.
Recently revealed statistics indicate that Hyundai, Kia and Yugo drivers are involved in the fewest accidents. Some of the reasons are, they tend to drive slower, and the car is usually in the shop.
Art experts at the Louvre want to clean the Mona Lisa. They say she's so dirty, they're thinking of changing her name to the Monica Lisa.
In Arizona, a fence contractor accidentally put barbed wire around a high school instead of a chain link fence. It was an understandable mistake - he was from L.A.
Michael Jackson recently celebrated his 40th birthday. He doesn't look 40. After all, his nose is only 12, his lips are just 18 and his skin will be 10 in December.
The FDA approved a prescription morning after pill that can prevent pregnancy. Prescription? If you thought that far ahead, you wouldn't need the pill.
A small bird flew into the cockpit of a United Airlines plane at Dulles International, causing a three hour delay for a flight full of London bound travelers. Oddly, their luggage arrived in Tokyo on time.
A Michigan mathematician spent 10 years and three gigabytes of computer memory to figure out that the best way to stack fruit in the grocery store is in a pyramid. My guess is it was a federally funded study.
A California laboratory completed a study showing that duct tape does not seal ducts well. My guess is it was a federally funded study.
A Virginia woman is donating a kidney to her boss. Would you do that? Before or after your yearly evaluation?
Fisher Price has recalled 54,000 infant car seats to replace a defective adjusting strap. The strap had a tendency to become loose whenever the kid asked, "Are we there yet?"
WalMart, Kmart and Target say they won't sell Marilyn Manson's new album. This will save Marilyn Manson fans the embarrassment of being seen in a Kmart.
Break dancing is coming back. You know you're getting old when something you were too old for the first time around is making a comeback. (Leno)
And finally, Geraldo Rivera has said that Jerry Springer is the most shameful man in America. Geraldo lost that title when his own show went off the air.
Cat Wisdom
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
The Wisdom of Youth!
So young - yet so wise...
- When your father or sister says "do these pants make me look fat?" never respond, cause most people would say the wrong answer.~Mike, Age 11
- Never trust a dog to watch your food.~Patrick, Age 10
- When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.~Matthew, Age 12
- Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. ~Andrew, Age 9
- Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.~Rocky, Age 9
- Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.~Stephanie, Age 8
- Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.~Rosemary, Age 7
- Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower.~Lamar, Age 10
- Never ask for anything that costs more than 5 dollars when your parents are doing taxes.~Carol,Age 9
- Never bug a pregnant mom.~Nicholas, Age 11
- Don't ever be too full for dessert.~Kelly, Age 10
- When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.~Heather, Age 16
- Never tell your mom her diet's not working.~Michael, Age 14
- Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.~Joel Age 12
- When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.~Alyesha, Age 13
- Never try to baptize a cat.~Laura, Age 13
- Never spit when on a roller coaster.~Scott, Age 11
- Never do pranks at a police station.~Sam, Age 10
- Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.~Rob, Age 10
- Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.~Hank, Age 12
- Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.~Molly, Age 11
- Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.~Chelsey, Age 7
- Stay away from prunes.~Randy, Age 9
- Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.~Phillip, Age 13
- Forget the cake, go for the icing.~Cynthia, Age 8
- Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house.~Joanne, Age 11
It's all a matter of perspective!
WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and needz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The Strap fastener on a woman's bra.GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that Stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other.
male: Playing ball without a cup.COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and flatulence).COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play Or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.TASTE (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has Gone Seriously Bad, prior to tossing it out. B>BEST T-SHIRTS of 1998"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered"
"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" -- seen on Cape Cod
"I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man -- I've Been Practicing Since 1943"
"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
"60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts, Make Offer"
"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
"If You Can Read This, Thank a Teacher"
"A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"Waiting for the Perfect Man" (Printed across a drawing of a skeleton).
"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse -
He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse""My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"9 out of ten men who try camels prefer women"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape"
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15"
Please take me back to the main Joke Page
Email: raysyuks@theoffice.net