
The good news is that the influx of funny lists doesn't appear to be letting up. Please feel free to copy any of these and send them along to your friends. All I ask is that you tell'em where you got them. Enjoy!
Greeting card poetry that didn't quite make it!
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat...
but when I looked at the tire
I noticed your cat.
Sorry.
3. You had your bladder removed,
and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers,
and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one of,
the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me
7. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Now don't you regret...
installing Windows 95?
8. You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?
DID YOU EVER WONDER . . .
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says,"Daddy, I want new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A pool table.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
Just think about it! MMMmmmmmm.....
Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
A good pun is its own reword.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
To err is human, to moo bovine.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Actual Excerpts From Student Science Exam Papers:
1. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
2. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
3. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
4. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
5. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
6. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
7. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
8. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know that you're talking about.
9. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
10. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
11. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
12. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
13. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
14. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
15. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
16. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
17. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
18. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
19. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
20. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
21. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
22. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
23. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
24. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
25. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
26. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
27. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
28. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
29. When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Tough questions answered by kids aged 5 to 10 years old
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy,8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom,5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava,8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad,8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle,9)
The latest list of Computer viruses
- Disney virus ~ Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
- Mike Tyson virus ~ Quits after one byte
- Prozac virus ~ Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
- Lorena Bobbit virus ~ Turns your hard disk into a 3.5inch floppy.
- Woody Allen virus ~ Bypasses the motherboard & turns on a daughter card.
- Saddam Hussein virus ~ Won't let you into any of your programs.
- Spice Girl's virus ~ Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
- Ronald Reagan virus ~ Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger virus ~ Terminates & stays resident. It'll be back.
39 Warning Signs Of Insanity
1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
11. You laugh out loud during funerals.
12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
17. You collect dead windowsill flies.
18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.
20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
27, Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
28. Melba toast excites you.
29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
MMMmmmmmm?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? {fleshtone?? down here in Florida 'pink' would just about cover it...}
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? {entertainment??
} STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
Email: raysyuks@theoffice.net