SEMINARS FOR FEMALES
(prepared and presented by males)
1. Elementary Map Reading
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
6. The Seven-Outfit Week
7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty:
Deal With it"
8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too" Equals I Love You
14. How to Earn Your Own Money
15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics =
Good"
16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station
19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels
20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock"
24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
SHE WAS SO BLONDE...
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate"
.
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put
"Sagittarius". (of course, I used to have a friend who, when asked what sign
he was conceived under would answer 'No parking')
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
...she sold the car for gas money.
...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16
friends.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left"
she turned around and went home.
The Redneck Dictionary Of Medical Terms
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria- Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
D&C - Where Washington is.
Dilate - To live long.
Enema - Not a friend.
Fester - Quicker than someone else.
Fibula - A small lie.
Genital - Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series - World series of military baseball.
Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.
Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
Labor pain - Getting jurt at work.
Medical Staff - A doctor's cane.
Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
Node - I Knew it.
Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test.
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative - A letter carrier.
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
Rectum - Damn near killed him.
Secretion - Hiding something.
Seizure - Roman emperor.
Tablet - A small table.
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor - More than one.
Urine - Opposite of you're out.
Varicose - Near by/close by.
The Computer belongs to a Redneck if......
1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-Rom drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted to the CPU.
5. The password is "Bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have parts for a '76 Dodge Aspen installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wav's.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the computer desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of Ned Beatty with the dueling banjos playing
in the background
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
18. The only games installed on the computer are "Deer Hunting" and "Bass
Fishing with Babe Winkleman"
19. Bumper stickers on the side of the tower stating "I brake for nobody"
20. Copy of his lawsuit against the makers of "Redneck Rampage" claiming that
he and his brother never did such a thing.
Newspaper Ads
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more
laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the
cartoons and comic strips:
o Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.
o A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
o Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children
$2.00.
o For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
o For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and
fur collar.
o Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
o Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.
o Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
o Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
o We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully
by hand.
o No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will
make it really repellent.
o For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
o For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
o Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
o 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and
smothered with golden fried onion rings.
o Great Dames for sale.
o Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition.
o Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
o 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for
charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
o Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
o Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
o If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la
Fontain, and Chopin.
o Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
o The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.
o Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
o Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
o Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable
that lots of women wear nothing else.
o Stock up and save. Limit: one.
o Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
o We build bodies that last a lifetime.
o Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
o This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better
Homes and Gardens.
o For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
o For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
o Man, honest. Will take anything.
o Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.
o Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich
shop.
o Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
travel.
o Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
o Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
o Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
o Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
o Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
o 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
o Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.
o Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
o Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.
o See ladies blouses. 50% off!
o Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food
business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
o Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.
o Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.
o Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
o Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
o Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
o And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
o We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.
Click here to return to the Joke page
Click here for the next list page
