Subject: What children can learn from Clinton
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk n' shit.
Son - Wass up, Dad?
Dad- There's a scratch down da side of da car, know what I'm sayin'? Did yo' ass do it?
Son- Ah don't believe, if Ah understand da definition of "scratch da car", dat Ah can say, truthfully, dat Ah scratched da ride n' shit.
Dad- Well, that shit wasn't there yesterday, 'n yo' ass drove da ride last night, 'n naw one else has driven that shit since n' shit. How can yo' ass explain da scratch?
Son- Well, as I've said before, Ah have naw recollection of scratchin' da car, man. While that shit be true dat Ah did take da ride out last night, Ah did not scratch that shit n' shit.
Dad- But yo' sister, Monica, has told me tha byatch saw yo' ass back da ride against da mailbox at da end of da driveway, heard a loud scrapin' sound, saw yo' ass get out to examine tha dude car, 'n then drive away, man. So again I'll ax you, yes or no, did yo' ass scratch da car?
Son- Oh, yo' ass mean yo' ass think yo' ass have evidence to prove Ah scratched it, know what I'm sayin'? Well, yo' ass see, Ah understood yo' ass to mean did "I" scratch da car, man. Ah stand by ma earlia statement, dat Ah did not scratch da ride n' shit.
Dad- Are yo' ass tryin' to tell me yo' ass didn't drive da ride into da mailbox?
Son- Well, yo' ass see sir, Ah wuz tryin' to drive da ride into da street n' shit. Ah mishandled da steerin' of da car, 'n that shit resulted in direct contact wid da mailbox, though dat wuz clearly not ma intent, man.
Dad- So yo' ass be then sayin' dat yo' ass did pimpslapped da mailbox?
Son- Naw sir, that's not ma statement n' shit. I'll refa yo' ass back to ma original statement dat Ah did not scratch da ride n' shit.
Dad- But da ride did pimpslapped da mailbox, 'n da ride did get scratched as a result of dis contact?
Son- Well, yes, Ah suppose yo' ass could look at that shit dat way, man.
Dad- So yo' ass lied to me when yo' ass said yo' ass did not scratch da car?
Son- No, know what I'm sayin'? No, that's not correct, know what I'm sayin'? Yo' question wuz "Did Ah scratch da car?" From a strict legal definition, as Ah understood da meanin' of dat sentence, Ah did not scratch da ride n' shit. da mailbox did, man. Ah wuz merely present when da scratchin' occurred, know what I'm sayin'? So ma answa of "No" when yo' ass axed "Did Ah scratch da car" wuz legally correct, although Ah did not voluntea information, man.
Dad- Where did yo' ass learn to talk like a complete idiot?
Son- From Da President of da United States n' shit.
A mouthful of one-liners!
Did yo' ass know dat Bill Clinton be considerin' changin' da Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because that shit represents inflation, halts production, 'n gives yo' ass a false sense of security while yo' ass be bein' screwed?
* * * * *
Washington has come up wid a solution fo da Clinton situation. They added da 11th comandment, man. "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff"
* * * * *
Bill Gates be in town (New York) showin' all da computa executives how well Windows 98 works. But computa executives say dat Windows 98 goes down so much they be thinkin' about renamin' that shit MONICA 98
* * * * *
Dat shit seems da big ass new game to play at da White House be SWALLOW THE LEADER!
****
In Kennedy's time we had Camelot, know what I'm sayin'? In Clinton's we have CAME-A-LOT n' shit.
****
Arkansas be very proud of Clinton. All these hoes comin' forward, 'n not one of 'em be tha dude's sister!
****
Q. What be da difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, 'n Bill Clinton?
A, know what I'm sayin'? Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell da truth, 'n Clinton doesn't know da difference!* * * * * *
Bill 'n Hillary wuz in bed last night asleep, man. At 2 be Hillary woke up 'n needed to go to da bathroom, so Hillary wuz shakin' Bill to wake his ass up to tell his ass tha byatch needed to go da bathroom, man. Bill said to ha "Hillary, why be yo' ass wakin' me up to tell me yo' ass needed to go da bathroom?"
Hillary said back to him, "Because Ah wanted yo' ass to save ma spot n' shit. "* * * * * *
President Clinton has decided to recruit interns from only four colleges:
Morehead, Oral Roberts, Ball State 'n Brigham Young n' shit.* * * * * *
Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune tella who says to her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow, yo' husband gots to soon suffa a violent death, know what I'm sayin'? " Mrs, man. Clinton takes a deep breath 'n replies, "Will Ah be acquitted?"
* * * * * *
Da FBAh has coined a technical term fo da stains found on Monica's dress:
"Presidue"Da Patch
President Clinton had been walkin' around da White House 'n goin' to public 'n private meetings all day wid a pair of pink ladies underwear on tha dude's left arm n' shit. Reporters 'n staff observed dis phenomenon 'n of course wondered what wuz goin' on n' shit.
Finally, at an afternoon press conference, Sam Donaldson gots brave enough to ax da President why tha dude had a pair of ladies panties on tha dude's arm, man.
Da President looked genuinely surprised, 'n replied, "Oh That, man. Dat shit be da patch, man. I'm tryin' to quit, man. "
A present from Monica, know what I'm sayin'? ?
Did yo' ass hear about Bill Clinton's new computer?Dat shit be equipped wid a six inch hard drive, 'n naw memory!
Da Top 15 White House Valentine's Day Poems
16. Afta years of indiscretion, at last I've come to learn, dat Ah gots to send dis Valentine, To Whom that shit May Concern, know what I'm sayin'?
15, man. Valentine, Ah think you're tha bomb -- a Chief Executive who can delegate n' shit. And yo' ass warm dis First Lady's heart, by havin' interns do da unpleasant part n' shit.
14 n' shit. On most every day, Ah like McDonald's fries; On Valentine's Day, Ah prefa Monica's thighs -- Supa Sized!
13, man. Will yo' ass deny, Valentine?
12, know what I'm sayin'? Hey, Big Creep, on Valentine's Day -- we'll play Marilyn 'n JFK, man. Just make sure dat Hillary's gone, 'cause yo' ass get me interned on!
11, know what I'm sayin'? How do Ah love thee" Let me count da entries in da visitors' log
10, know what I'm sayin'? Monica, Monica, quiet young mouse -- takin' ha Bill to da floor of da House n' shit.
8, know what I'm sayin'? 'Sup there! Happy Valentine's day! Sorry to serve yo' subpoena dis way, know what I'm sayin'?
7 n' shit. Roses be red, then they turn gray, My heart goes pitter-pat when yo' ass wear dat beret, man.
6.Shall Ah compare thee to ma high school drama teacher?
5.Twinkle, twinkle, Kenneth Starr, Ah talked to Vernon in da car, man. Ah promised his ass ma lips be sealed, but I'll change ma mind, fo a sweet book deal, know what I'm sayin'?
4, man. As soon as I'm finished bombin' Iraq, I'd like to get yo' ass in da sack, man.
3, know what I'm sayin'? Will you, on da night in question of February 14th, be ma Valentine?
2, know what I'm sayin'? Violets be blue, Roses be thorny, man. All hell breaks loose, when Bubba gets horny n' shit.
1, man. I'll bomb England, I'll bomb France, if you'll remove ma underpants, know what I'm sayin'?
How much exactly?
President Clinton looks up from tha dude's desk in da Oval Office to see one of tha dude's aides nervously approach him, know what I'm sayin'?
"What be it?" yells da President, know what I'm sayin'?
" Dat shit be dis abortion bill, Mr n' shit. President, man. What do yo' ass want to do about it?" da aide asks n' shit.
"Just go ahead 'n pay it," responds da President, man.
Dat shit be a matta of semantics
Accordin' to da "Lewinsky Tapes" on which Monica supposedly describes ha sexual relationship wid Bill Clinton, they encounters wuz "infrequent" n' shit. At dat point Ken Starr axed if "infrequent" one word or two?
Yo Click Here to submit a caption fo this picture!
Oh naw yo' ass weren't!!
Bill suddenly realised tha dude could wrap up early, what wid UK France 'n China askin' his ass to hold off bombin' Iraq fo a few days more, so tha dude took a stroll through da corridors of power, man. Tha dude came across dis young intern 'n suggested a drink, man. Afta a highball, tha byatch took his ass into da study fo a mammoth BJ session, then let herself out, man. Bill went to tha dude's drawa 'n took out a chalk bag 'n rubbed tha dude's hands in that shit furiously
With tha dude's hands behind tha dude's back to walked into tha dude's private quarters to find Hillary standin' there glarin' at him, man. "WHat da HELL have yo' ass been up to dis hour"" tha byatch demands to know, man.
"Well, Ah bumped into a young intern 'n we had a drink, since then she's been on ma dick in da study fo da last three hours", know what I'm sayin'?
Hillary grabs tha dude's hands 'n studies 'em n' shit. " Yo' ass lyin' son-of-a-bitch, you've been bowling!", know what I'm sayin'?
Da Top 15 Signs You're Bein' Investigated by Kenneth Starr
15, man. Yo' new papa boy be 35, wears dark sunglasses, a black suit, an ear piece 'n carries a semi-automatic n' shit.
14, know what I'm sayin'? Yo' new homie Linda starts every conversation wid "Testin' n' shit. 1, 2, 3, know what I'm sayin'? "
13, know what I'm sayin'? You're a highly paid White House intern 'n suddenly, out of da blue, somebody gives yo' ass a typin' test, know what I'm sayin'?
12, know what I'm sayin'? Yo' ass could swear yo' ass see Yassir Arafat followin' you, man. (Oops! That's a sign you're bein' investigated by *Ringo* Starr, man. )
11, know what I'm sayin'? Yo' dry cleaners just hired a dozen Secret Service agents 'n added a hi-tech stain analysis lab, know what I'm sayin'?
10, know what I'm sayin'? Yo' best homie from 2nd grade be granted immunity afta rumors implicate yo' ass in da "paste-eatin' incident of 1968, know what I'm sayin'? "
9, man. Yo' ass haven't been subjected to dis many embarrassin' leaks since yo' ass had dat little bladda problem, man.
8. All of a sudden dat video yo' ass returned two days late becomes "Ace Ventura-Gate n' shit. "
7, man. Da DMV insists yo' ass pose fo yo' driver's license picture nude from da waist down, know what I'm sayin'?
6, know what I'm sayin'? Jay Leno's makin' lame jokes about yo' ass 'n you're not an Iraqi dictator, know what I'm sayin'?
5 n' shit. Yo' ass don't mind yo' toddla askin' fo a "detailed account of yo' unscrupulous business practices" in lieu tha dude's usual bedtime story, but yo' ass feel downright silly talkin' into tha dude's rattler
4, know what I'm sayin'? You're da only contributor who's gettin' topics like "Top 5 Signs I've Made Millions In Shady Land Deals n' shit. "
3, man. Pupils in Lincoln's portrait dilate a bit when da French Ambassador's daughta asks yo' ass to pass da KY, know what I'm sayin'?
2, man. For a change, Diane Sawya be camped out in front of yo' house, instead of vice versa n' shit.
1, man. Since when did Lucky Charms start includin' "Crunchy Microphones""
![]()
Da Bill Clinton version:
My Favorite Things , man. Come on, sin' along!Blow jobs 'n land deals in backwata places,
Big Macs 'n french fries 'n girls wid big ass faces,
Lots of nice cleavage dat makes willie spring,
These be a few of ma favorite things,Susan McDougal 'n Gennifa Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way da hours,
Profits from futures dat Hillary brings,
These be a few of ma favorite things,Beatin' da draft board 'n gettin' elected,
Namin' to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories dat blame da right wing,
These be a few of ma favorite things,Golfin' wid Vernon 'n subornin' perjury,
Fallin' down drunk dat required knee surgery
Stars in da White House who come here to sing,
These be a few of ma favorite things,Meetin' wid Boris 'n Helmut 'n Tony,
States of da Union wid crazy of baloney,
Winnin' debates 'n da joy of ma flings,
These be a few of ma favorite things,When dat Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feelin' sad,
Ah simply rememba ma favorite things
And then Ah don't feel so badcopyright 1998 Wayne Aaronson
Whoo?
Hillary Clinton went in fo ha yearly checkup, know what I'm sayin'? When tha byatch wuz finished, tha byatch axed ha gynecologist how things looked, man. Tha dude said tha dude wuz pleased 'n dat tha byatch be in tha bomb shape but, dat tha byatch wuz pregnant! Tha byatch told da doctor there wuz naw way, but tha dude said dat tha byatch most definitely wuz a month pregnant n' shit. Well, tha byatch stormed out of da office 'n went to da receptionist 'n took da phone 'n called da White House n' shit. When da operator answered tha byatch said dat that shit wuz Hillary 'n dat tha byatch wanted to talk to Bill right away n' shit. Well, they rang da Oval Office 'n Bill answered
Hillary said: "Do yo' ass know what yo' ass did yo' ass rotten bastard" Yo' ass gots me pregnant!!!"
Da President remained silent
Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who be this???"
Da Top 12 Questions Ken Starr Has fo da President
12 n' shit. "Let's speed dis up--who *haven't* yo' ass nailed?"
11 n' shit. "Aha! So yo' ass admit you've had sex!!!! Wass that shit like? Be that shit fun?"
10, man. "And da situation in Bosnia didn't distract yo' ass from da booty call?"
9, know what I'm sayin'? "Can Ah have some of those fries?"
8 n' shit. "Do yo' ass admit ma gettin' Dan Ratha to talk about yo' semen wuz pretty cool?"
7 n' shit. "Would yo' ass *please* stop winkin' at da court reporter?!"
6, man. "Mr, man. President, how does that shit feel to be on da receivin' end of a probe fo a change?"
5, know what I'm sayin'? "Would you, could yo' ass in a boat?
Have you, did yo' ass wid a goat?"
4 n' shit. "Okay, exhibit 25-A be yet *ANOTHER* ink blot n' shit. Now, does THIS one remind yo' ass of anythin' besides a beret?"
3 n' shit. "Is that shit just ma imagination, or be all of da hoes yo' ass know butt-ugly?"
2, man. "Are yo' ass now, or have yo' ass eva been, in a non-erect state?"
1, man. "Mr, know what I'm sayin'? President, did yo' ass brin' any pants wid you?"
A new Commandment???
Moses wuz complainin' to God dat da Ten Commandments didn't seem to cova all da offenses dat Clinton wuz committing. Dat shit seemed dat anotha commandment wuz needed to cova what tha dude wuz doing, know what I'm sayin'? God agreed 'n said dat tha dude would get back to Moses right away n' shit.Da next day, God said unto Moses,"Moses, henceforth, there shall be an eleventh commandment: 'Thou shalt not show thy rod to thy staff, know what I'm sayin'? '"
Isn't there a Bridge Nearby?
Aside from gettin' caught, what has Clinton's biggest mistake been in da Lewinsky affair?> <
Not gettin' Teddy Kennedy to drive ha home!
Jay Leno Says
It looks like da only thin' Clinton could do to save himself now be pimpslapped 63 home runs
A recent survey showed dat teenagers be much 'mo likly to know Leonardo DiCaprio than Al Gore
What be da difference between Leonardo DiCaprio 'n Al Gore?
Gore mad knows what that shit be like to go down on a sinkin' shipWas tha byatch cute?
Clinton 'n Gore be sittin' around in da oval office, shootin' da breeze, know what I'm sayin'? Afta a while, as expected, da Lewinsky situation came upGore says, Yo' ass know Bill, Ah just think we have different mindsets about things, know what I'm sayin'? For example, Ah don't believe in premarital sex, know what I'm sayin'? Ah neva slept wid Tippa before we gots married, know what I'm sayin'? How about you?"
Clinton paused 'n thought, then said, "Ah don't know Al, what wuz ha maiden name again?
Similarities between Nixon 'n Clinton
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: Tha dude's biggest fear - da Cold War
Clinton: Tha dude's biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: Tha dude's Vice President wuz a Greek
Clinton: Tha dude's Vice President be a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissin' her
Nixon: Couldn't explain da 18 minute gap in da Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain da 36-DD bra in tha dude's brief case
Nixon: Tha dude's nickname wuz Tricky Dick
Clinton: same
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Deepthroat led to tha dude's downfall
Clinton: Same
Nixon: Known fo campaign slogan "Nixon's Da One"
Clinton: Known fo hoes pointin' at his ass saying, "He's da one!"
Nixon: Famous fo tha dude's widow's peak
Clinton: Famous fo bringin' widows to they peak
Nixon: Well acquainted wid G, know what I'm sayin'? Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted wid da G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Nixon: Talked about achievin' peace wid honor
Clinton: Talked about gettin' a piece while on her
A New Bumpa Sticker!
![]()
Send yo' Clinton Jokes today!
Thank yo' ass fo yo' contribution
If Ah laugh at yo' joke (or at you) when Ah read it, you'll get nothin' in return
Except fo da satisfaction of makin' a contribution to society
And if there's eva anythin' else Ah can do to help yo' ass vent, kindly take that shit outside
I'm not yo' therapist!
Dis page laughed at times since 9/30/98, man.