August 10, 1999 2:36pm
Why do I have to think so much about everything? Why can't I
just be in a box like everyone else. Eric and I were talking last
night, and he made a really good point. We are so different. When we
are given something to do and there is a template or an order, we
investigate it, and then begin to make our own template, convinced that
ours is a better way (it usually is )...sigh. I don't understand
why I can't just be told to do something, and go do it like anyone else
would. Sometimes I think that I am too intelligent for my own good. My
friend Neil made a statement a while back that he thinks that smarter
people actually have a tougher time with life, because we focus so hard
on things that really don't need focusing on, and we make simple things
difficult. It makes perfect sense to me, seeing as how I think that
way myself.
Take me, for instance (or you can just laugh at me).
I am very smart. I'm not like Einstein, with an IQ in the top 5% or
anything, but I am really smart. I don't make the best decisions
sometimes, but maybe that's because I am too busy thinking about all the
other shit that might be important later on in my life. Sort
of like when I dropped out. I didn't drop out because I couldn't handly
school anymore. I dropped out because school was a waste of my time. I
needed ONE credit to graduate. ONE. Instead of them working out some
sort of attendance deal with me... they gave me a full schedule. Way too
many classes for someone who is trying to work to pay her bills. I had
a 60+ hours a week job, and I attended school as much as I could. It
began to get on my nerves. Why wake up at 5:30 to scramble to school,
to go to a class that will not benefit me in the future? I enjoyed my
1st and 2nd period class alot, but it was still a waste of my time. I
wish that they would have let me just go to my required class. Life
would have been a little more stress free. Who knows, I might have even
graduated. I just got SO fed up with giong 8 hours a day somewhere that
I thought I should be for about 1.5 hours a day. Time is money, right?
It's like if you went to college, registered, and noticed that you had
the most bullshit classes they offer. Shaving Cats 101. How to
Correctly Sniff WhiteOut, room 555. Ya know? I kinda felt that way.
I want to work in the medical field. I am not sure what I want to do
yet, but it's going to be in the medical field. I told my "guidance
councellor" or whoever she really is (a Nazi spy maybe?) what my plans
and goals were. She smiled and then handed me my schedule. Criminal
Justice? Juvenile Justice? (I thought that I was going to school, not
being arrested)Oh and DON'T forget TYPING. A class that I have had
three times in the past. Maybe my councellor wanted me to 'bruh up' on
my skills? Let me see...there was my ONLY needed class...Health...
something I failed in the 9th grade, and the school system has been too
negligent of my needs to give me this class earlier in my career as a
school girl. So they waited until 5 months before I graduated. That
seems fair and right. Doesn't it?
Oh, and I had another class, get this, fashion Essesntials. My guidance
councellor must not have known that there isn't too much that one can do
to mismatch jeans and a t-shirt. I could reach blindly into my closet,
not caring what type of fabric it is, and not caring what color or
design, and slap it on. Voila. I am ready to go. Oh, wait, I must put
my shoes on. You know, the ones that match anything that I have in my
ENTIRE wardrobe!
Wow, I am really blowing up in here!
I just loathed going to school. Period. I felt it was a waste of my
time. Wait, it WAS a waste of my time. I went to work straight after
school, and got home at 12 or 1am, and then had to get back up at
5:30AM. Yeah, it sucked. But going to school NOW isn't going to pay my
bills NOW. The people who collect your money for bills DON'T care what
your problem is. They want the damn money. See, I could have been a
drug dealer, and stayed in school. I could have concealed my pager
(like I always did) and dealt drugs after school. I would have been
making WAY more TAXFREE dollars than I ever did at my job. Bonus, I
could have did it all while in school!. Isn't that nice?!
Doesn't that make ya think?
Advice: Don't take things that you don't want.
August 11, 1999 9:00pm
We all know that we have flaws. Everyone has flaws. To err is human,
isn't it? I have flaws. I am not ashamed to admit any of them. I was
talking with one of my friends, and he made me a little more aware of
one of my major flaws... as if I really needed to hear it again, and
again, and again, grinding into my soft brain like a diamond-coated saw
blade that they sell on TV. I share my personal life with people that I
care about (sometimes against their wills, but oh well)
I don't like my weak-spots thrown back up in my face. I hate it. It
makes me feel like shit. it's lke walking out of a bathroom with a big
tile-comet of toilet paper streaming from your shoe. It's embarrassing,
and it kinda hurts your feelings. Then you tell your friend later on...
and they yell it out..in public..."You had a piece of tiolet paper
streaming from your shoe!?!?! AH HA HA HA HAAA"
It sucks. It takes a lot not to cry. Maybe I am a crybaby. So I have
another flaw. Who the fuck cares? I am HUMAN. I can't be like
someone else because they want me to be like them. I am who I am.
Isn't that written at the top of my page? Doesn't that say enough about
my attitude towards who I am?
I don't have any GOOD advice right now, sorry.
August 27th, 1999 10:13pm
Well, the rice crispy treats are in the fridge, and now all I have to do is wait for them to cool off. I am a little bored. I have been trying to coolify my web page. I hope you like the Pookie cursor.
I am down to the nubs on looking for a job. I have filled out ONE application, and the lurking certain doom of rejection is already beginning to set in on me. One bump in the road, and I will run back to bed with my tail between my legs. So sue me, it's the way I am. I have once again lost contact with my inner adult. The inner child has been in control lately. I'll spank him soon, and make him go to bed without dinner.
The overwhelming urge to want to be on my own is slowly forcing me to be independent. Eric and I really want to move to Jacksonville, we just don't want to jump first, and then look later. I often dream of where I will live in 2 years, and I can never do a very good job imagining anything. That scares me, because I have a monsterous imagination. I should have no problem dreaming up something, no matter how off from reality it might actually be. If I can have a dream about flying, or dreams so real that I scream out whatever I am dreaming about, I know that I can dream up a scenario about where I will end up living.
She's home now, I have to go :)
December 27, 1999 11:00am
Well I decided to start writing in my journal again. Now seems like as good of a time as any. I got a new job, I have my own apartment, my car is running almost better than ever. I am ecstatic about the new year. I want to be around a ton of people, just because it seems like something I have never really done, but then again, I don't want to be bombed, shot at, stabbed, ran over, pushed, shoved, puked on, etc. I think that I will stay indoors at my house, and go into the new year with a nice nap. I know it sounds boring, but you aren't me, so do what you want.
I got to go home for Christmas, it felt weird being a guest in my own house. Having your parents come and visit you in YOUR house is weird too.
When I get going steady at my new job, I am going to get an animal. I haven't decided what kind, or from where, or how much I am willing to spend, but I do know that I want an animal. >^.^<
I haven't decided on a resolution for new years yet either. I think it will be to not procrastinate so much, but I will worry about it tomorrow. I hope I don't get fat next year seeing as how I eat more junk now than ever before. Maybe I will become a health buff. Maybe not.
Eric and I are doing fine, we are about to embark on our 1st year anniversary. That sure is a long time to be with someone, really it is.
Well, my break is up! Maybe I will come back and visit for lunch. :)
Wow, it's lunch time. What's left of it anyways. I have discovered that I need to move my computer out of the corner of my desk. It's a little bit on the irritating side. Typing in the corner like I have elbows that bend to the sides. I am sure that everyone here thinks I am strange, I have several pictures of my dog, he is smiling in one (he really is smiling) He is half smiling in the other, and one where he is walloing on the carpet like a fat pig. I have ONE tiny little picture of Eric and me stuck to the top of my monitor...lol. I will slowly move my style into this lonesome cubicle.
Everyone here is sniffling and sneezing. I am glad to see that I am not the only one that has a constant runny nose. I have quite a bit of time left for lunch, and nothing to do, nowhere to go. Hrmm.
I sometimes make myself mad. I forgot to call my payroll line and enter my hours, so I won't be getting a paycheck this week :(
I had a horrid dream, it woke me up at about 5am, and I just couldn't go back to sleep. How rotten to lose an hour and a half off of your dream time because of a bad dream >:(
Oh no, someone just broke a nail! Call 911!
I am growing my nails out, and it is taking forever. RIGHT when they get to the point where they are all even and pretty, one decides to split and crack and fray. I don't want to get fake ones, because...they are fake. Is that a good enough excuse? I hope so, because there really isn't too much you can say or do to make me think otherwise.
I think I am one of the most non-processed not-from-concentrate girls I know. I don't dye my hair,(does bleach count?) I don't go to tanning beds, hair extensions, or any other plastic body parts (besides that plate in my head...lol)
*sigh*
Eric has my car, I had to stay here for lunch, not like I can go anywhere anyways, unless they give me a three or four hour break, seeing as how traffic is so bad that by the time you get where you are going, you have to turn around and go right back home! ARGH.
I drove ALL the way home the other day, and I promised myself that I would try not to be tempted to ever leave for lunch again, it was absolutely horrid.
I don't think my fingers can handle any more of this, so I am off to re-read everything that I just wrote :)
ta-ta
December 29, 1999
Obviously I am back again, to type out current frustrations and ponderings. Why else would I be here?
I have noticed in the past few days that I have started to gain a little weight. I guess ( and I am going to be like 85% of America ) it's from the 'holidays'. That's not really the excuse I want to use, but I am pretty sure that it is the actual reason for the recent tightening of my pants. (They must have shrunk in the dryer, yeah, that awful dryer always shrinks my pants...that's it...)
Oh, let me dream...heh. Well, I miss Panama City a little, partly because traffic there isn't really traffic, it's some high-school bopper putting on make-up and bobbing and weaving all over the road like that famous boxer guy. Speaking of bobbing, I read a funny joke the other day that I decided to share.
Sherlock and Watson are walking through a park. They pass by a bench where three women are sitting, eating bananas. Sherlock says good day to the ladies, and the continue to stroll. Watson asked Sherlock if he knew those women, and he said "No, I don't know the nun, the prostitute, and the newlywed wife." Watson asked Sherlock how he knew that they were who they were. Sherlock said, "Elementary Watson, elementary...the nun used one hand to hold the banana, and broke little pieces off with the other hand, the prostitute used both hands and shoved the whole banana down her throat, and the new wife used one hand to hold the banana, and the other to push on the back of her head"
Ha, wasn't that a riot?
Ok, so it was better straight from the magazine, but hey, I got it here in one piece, kinda.
My desk at work is starting to look like my room more and more. I must bring a new piece of junk here with me every day and find a new home for it.
I talked to my mom the other day, she told me she won some tickets to a club in PC for New Years eve. If she doesn't go, and I can make it to Panama City, I am there. Or I will stand right outside and sell them for an insanely outrageous price.. he he he.
The owner of the club is giving away a $2000 ring or bracelet or something at midnight, it would be nice to be the one who wins it
If anyone out there wants a cat ( not a kitten )let me know. My aunt told me that her neighbors got some new leather furniture, so they kicked their DECLAWED cat out of the house to forage for food ( and try to fight other dumpster cats with NO claws to protect herself) and it's cold and I am making the largest run-on sentence in the whole world. She told me that the cat is all gray with a white spot on her head. She is used to being indoors around her 'family', and now she is living in my aunts garage, in the cold, getting fed three times a week.
If Eric would let me take her, I would. But he won't, so if ANYONE out there knows someone who wants a cat, a friendly, pretty, declawed, housebroken cat, let me know...because I don't want a good cat to have to be put down.
Well, I don't feel like typing anymore, my fingers are pretty much frozen solid all the way through.
Bye for today, or for now, or whatever, because I have absolutely NO work left to do, and boredom is working its way to my desk....
May 9th, 2000.
Wow, last time I was here, it was 1999... I didn't mean to neglect this by any means. I am finding my new job at Equifax a nice place to work. I hope to hit my budget. I was thinking that I will start to work out. Ha. I was THINKING. Isn't that alone enough to burn a few thousand calories. I wish that it was enough. I would have like 3% body fat!
Would be nice.
October 6th, 2000
Well, I have been encouraged by several people (ok, so they had a gun to my head) to start writing again. I guess that I had long since forgotten how good it feels to come here and just vent. I also type alot faster now. Maybe I will get more said. Maybe now that I live here, and work there, and do this and that, I will be a different person. Maybe not. Maybe if I do certain things, or don't do certain things, people will look at me differently. Maybe not. My interest in life is slim. I look at everything from a distance, and rule out whether or not it looks like something that I would enjoy. I don't even give it a chance. Sometimes, I will see something, hey, looks fun, sounds fun, those other people that are doing it think that it's fun. Hey, what's the problem Lexie? I don't know. I just don't want to do what everyone else wants to do.
Well, tableless or not, we will not have to bear the weight of his shit any more past November. Eric and I are going to find somewhere else to live, and we are not inviting Schmooz to come with us. I hope he catches the drift. I hope that he takes the insight required to go ahead and start looking for somewhere else to live. It would be sad if we had to move our stuff out while we watch him cry because he has nowhere to go, and no one to turn to. I know that if bad went to shitty, Eric would more than likely let him shack up with us until he found stable ground. Nightmare's a comin' Nightmare's a comin'.
Seeing as how it is now 1:14 am, and I do need to find myself in the shower at 9:00 am, I do need to scram and go to bed. I promise I will be back tomorrow, to vent and stress more about meaningless things and temporary insanities.
October 11, 2000 10:35 pm
Here I sit, once again, with nothing better to do. All plans fell through. I wanted to go to bed early, or go out with a friend, but here I sit, in the end. Alone, at my house, in front of this screen. It's less like a life, and more like a dream.
whoa, that was gay!
sorry about that, it will not happen again!
I just love to write here. It makes me fool so refreshed. I don't care if no one but me ever reads this crap. It's just for me to release. It also helps me stay sharp on my typing, grammar, and punctuation. Do you ever get to the point in your life where almost every song you hear relates to your currenlt life in some way? Whether it's a break up, a hook up, a loss, a gain... you can relate to that song..
then there are times, when you will hear the same song, later or earlier than the time frame when you were so sensitive... and it means nothing. It doesn't even make you want to keep listening to it. It's so weird. I wonder if anyone else out there likes Anouk. I wonder if anyone else out there has even HEARD of Anouk. For a long time, I thought that I was the only person in the world that had her cd. I discovered Napster. It's great. I have not bought a cd in more than two months. Those things are so expensive. I am intelligent, cute, thoughtful, and funny. Why am I not happy?
I am selfish, mean, misproportioned, and cold. Why am I not happy?
Friday, October 20 11:10pm
Big sigh. The past week has been one I will not soon forget. Have you ever told yourself that things can't get much worse? Well, they can. Let me see. I think that I will start with Monday. I woke up, and was getting ready for work, when my boyfriend's mom came over and insisted that he go to the Dr right away. He was walking outside, to go to the Dr with her, when he noticed that someone had crushed a fender and some of the bumper on our Stealth. What a nice thing to do, and not leave any insurance info behind. I love assholes and drunks. Whoever hit the car did $1,000 worth damages. Man, I couldn't have done a better job myself. Eric drug me outside, asking me if I had done it. Of course I made a huge scratch and dent and didn't tell you, Eric. We were both upset, but he needed to go to the Dr more than he needed to stand outside and whine about the car. He had not been feeling well at all. He went with her, and the Dr pushed him away, telling him that he had an appointment for a later date, and that he needed to return then. His mom told me Dr that they would see him that day. They made him an appointment for 4pm. He sat around the house until then, I had taken the day off. I am the one that took him back to the Dr at about 4pm on Monday. We waited about 30 minutes, and the Dr took a look at hime, tested his blood sugar, and told us to go to the Emergency Room right away. He asked us which one we would be going to, and instructed us that he would call them and let them know we were on our way. When we got the the ER, they took him in, asked him some questions, and assigned him to an ER internal waiting room. There he sat, where they poked, prodded, and jabbed him. His body was so dehydrated that he took two liters of fluid through IV in less than 3 hours. It was a steady pour. He felt better as soon as they got him hydrated, but his blood sugar still would not read on even their machines. They decided how much and what kind of insulin to give him, and then took some more blood from him. Within a few more hours, he claimed to feel all better, but they could not get his blood sugar down for anything. Eventually, they had him assigned to a room. I stayed there with him for three days. I had to go back to work on the fourth day. By the end of that week, he was bruised on both arms, and tired of being poked. I felt so bad for him. He made it home ok with his mom. They ate lunch, and he got put on a special diet. Needless to say, he hated it at first and claimed to be starving. By then end of the second day of him being home, he was whining because he practically had to force feed himself at specific times of the day. He ate less before he got sick. Go figure. The doctors have him on a 2000 calorie/45grams of carb diet a day. He has lost more than 20 lbs so far. They set him a target weight. I don't know when they expect him to be at that weight, but I project that it will be May of 2001. Hopefully sooner, but that is what it looks like for now.
Tuesday November 7th, 2000 8:32pm
Does anyone know the joy of stress? I do I do! I have SO much stuff to take care of in the next month. I am so stressed out. Eric is too. He is pulling his hair out. We have to get our Stealth INTO the body shop ASAP, because our lovely neighbor hit our car and didn't tell us, didn't offer his insurance, or even a sympathetic apology. What you ask? How do I know it was my neighbor? Well, lets see. He has the ONLY car ( a big ol Expedition) in our section of apartments that would be able to make the dents and scratches as high as they are on our car. Oh, and when we took it to a body shop for a few estimates, the shop owner told us that he could see large tire marks and armoral wipes ALL over the dents and scratches. What an asshole. If you ever see a black guy in a champagne Ford Expedition, do your car a favor, and don't park next to him. He cannot drive. Oh well, there is nothing we can do about it, we already talked to the police. (Let me tell ya, big help there) We just have to pay for it to be fixed, but for the past 2 weeks, make that 3 weeks... it has been ugly. I got a newer car than the 90 Grand Prix I was driving... Good news is, it has a warranty for another 30k miles. Bad news, top speed is 85. Yeah, so it's a Geo Metro. It doesn't shake when the a/c is on, and I will kick your ass in gas mileage. ;)
Well, I am famished, and I need to scamper off to forage in the kitchen for a meal. Bye!
January 23, 2001 9:34pm
Hello there faithful reader! Yeah you! You know I write all this just so you can come through and see it, and feel that I am telling JUST YOU! But of course, that would be rude of me to do... seeing as how I am sure that more than one person reads my site. I wish that I could go back... to a certain attitude I once had. I like who I am now, I also want to be more carefree. I guess it's because I was younger. Not like I am sore when it's cloudy, and I bump myself and bleed or anything... I want to go on a cruise, or fly somewhere, neither of which I have ever done before. Isn't that sad? I think it's sad. And there are people on tv rapping about McDonalds. I think that advertising spends too much for too little. I would have been more satisfied with a picture of a steamy oniony burger with all the fixins.
Spider man Spider man. Agh. I am so bored. I wanna be on tv or something. Just for a really good season. I want a million dollars too! My fingernails are getting really long, because I am paranoid to bite them due to the amount of germs and bacteria that are harvested there. It's really gross. I
watched a special on the live bacterias and stuff that LIVE on your body. In your skin, lots of them. Little centipede things in your eyelashes, that keep them sttached and alive... It makes you want to take a bath! blah!
There are alot of good movies out right now. I wanna go see one or something. I think I will spend the day with Amanda tomorrow. I never get to see her anymore. I am watchng tv while I am here... SO I am talking about reall random things. Oh what?I talk about random things all the time? How dare you. I am as sane as they come. Yes I am. No, I am not crazy. What are you talking about? I do NOT talk to myself!
Ok. I think that I have made a nice dent in this place today... It's now 10:01... and bedtime is near!!! NITE!
June 2, 2001 11:53am
Well. SO much has happened since the last time I was here... I don't know if I will have the time inthe next three weeks to even sit here and write about it. I suppose I can give it a try. Let's see here. Well, Eric and I broke up. I decided to stop trying to find him, and find myself instead. I guess another example of me beign selfish; and the world still turns, imagine that. I have also since then met someone new. No, not a rebound either. I don't believe in all that dating/afterlife junk. If you like someone, you like them, there it is. The incident was all bad timing, but worht it nevertheless. Oh? You want me to elaborate? Oh ok. I met a guy who just happens to be in the Navy (yeah, I know) and I met him right before he reinlisted, and had to report to Chicago for... I don't know, the beter part of 2 years. It doesn't bother me though. I care alot about him, and don't mind sitting back "pseudo-single" for a while. I missed the single life (not the dating,flirting,sleeping-with-strangers part though) I am talking about not having to think about telling anyone where you are, when you are coming home, how long you will be gone, who will be there, why you are going, a phone number to reach you at while you are there, and that damn ankle-pager house arrest thing. What? You mean I didn't have to take that? No one else wears that thing? But.. but... I was told that if you love someone, you track them like a moving target... I feel so... lied to. And all this time, I thought that it was because someone loved me. Huh. It's funny what you will put up with from a person when you love them.
Anyways, enough about that. I want to talk about me. I have a good job, and a warrantied car (and health insurance) what more do I need? Oh yeah. A place to live! I knew that I was forgetting something. Oh who cares about the details? I am free, and happy, and... so complete... It's not even funy how whole I feel again. I go where I please. I do what I want. I have no guide, no angel, no one breathing down on me. My friends are wonderful, and they are all supportive. I don't think I have been this happy since freakin' childhood or something. Anyhow, I went to bed at... well, it wasn't light yet, if that's any indication as to how badly my memory is about what time I really did go to bed... but I woke up at like 11:38. I am staying with a friend who is in the Navy, and him and his room mate had to go on a small cruise today, so I am here alone, and bored. I need a shower badly. I am too lazy to walk down to my very very very messy car to get my bags. I guess I don't have a choice. I MUST be clean and whatnot.
It was so nice to come here and releive my mind of some built up literary angst. I thoroughly enjoyed every letter of it.
So long for today. I promise to write more and more and more. I am publishing this when I turn 30. :)
June 4, 2001 7:00pm
Ahoy! I am just sitting here at someone elses house, writing an e-mail to Christopher. Amanda and I are sitting around Dan's... waiting on Dan to get his butt in gear. (and waiting and waiting) We are all gonna go over to the place where I am currently staying (I cannot legitimately call it home seeing as how it is not mine, and I am homeless.) I like being homeless, you don't get as many junk mails:)
I had an eventful day at work today, I did as much work as 3 people and I told my boss that I only did half that, that way I can show him the rest of the finished work from what I did today, and I can sit here and write letters to Christopher... tee hee. I am playing my favorite song (for the day) and typing as fast as I can on my site... I just have so much that I feel I need to get out, and I don't have anywhere to let it go! Sometimes, even I cannot think of a suitable word for the occasion. Yeah yeah I know... even I get silent sometimes. *Please do not call the National Enquierer, they will NEVER believe you.
Oh someone else is here now, sharing the joy of our boredom. Yah! I didn't think that it could get any better than this. Oh well, my legs itch, its time to go!
Wednesday, June 6 9:17pm
Well I got fired today. No, it was not for cussing profusely. It was because I did all the work yesterday. Ha.
Friday, June 8 2:23pm
Here I am again. I seem to frequent thisplace more often now that I am alone. It is more of a comfort factor than anything else. I am so frustrated. Everything that has been going on that I have been able to ignore with grace, is now all falling down on me. From the events that took place three weeks ago, to what is happening today, and what I know will happen tomorrow, I am about to break down. What will I do? Where will I go? Moving back with my parents in Panama City and finding a shitty job at the beach is beginning to sound so stressless. Responsibility? What's that? I should go to Panama City for the summer. Man, the economy there is wonderful from May to September. I would live like a king for a few months. I know my parents would not mind. Man, what a brainstorm. I love me. Man I need to call my mom. Oh yeah, I would love to live with my mom for a summer now that I have the respect that she wanted me to have when I lived with her when I was a teenager. Wow. I wonder what she will say. Well, I need to go brainstorm for a bit. I might be back later on today to finish the neverending adventure that is my life.
<> J
uly 30th, 2001 8:25am
I hate my job. Alot. I am so tired of the lack of respect there. It's really hard to be part of a team that doesn't cooperate. It's kinda like skydiving, with no parachute, really.You kinda need one to do the other. <
p> This next segment is going to be typed into my website, from a journal I kept a while back. It starts like this.
Urgent update in no specific detail.
I am no longer with Eric, but we are great friends. I am no longr living with him. Obviously. I movd to Panama City when I broke up with him, and I hated it there so much, that I moved back into an apartment here, that I worked hard to get, with my best friend. She and I stopped talking, because I met someone, who currently lives with me, who I am currently engaged to. Amanda moved in with her man, and out of my apartment, and I still work at Imagestorehouse. I am miserable, and I know why, but I don't know what to do about it, so I have reluctantly come back here to bitch to myself, because I am the only person who will listen and understand me.
December 2, 2001 5:03 pm
Here I am again. It seems that the only person that listens to me and puts me first, is me. I am so tird of throwing my emotions away on other people. I don't ever get anything in return. Guys are all the same. They all feel bad about your current situation, and they all want to prove to you that they are indeed beter than the person you are with presently. Whats really sad about that is that 50% of my boyfriends have ben that person that promises you will be treated better than the last person you were with.
December 3, 2001 2:03pm
Back again, to expel yet another days worth frustrations upon this web page that no one reads. This is more like therapy to me than entertainment to others. I stayed home from work today, i didnt feel at all like waking up. I called in, left a voicemail, and went back to bed, only to have one emotionally frustrating dream after the other. I really wish that I had just stayed up from the start. I might have still stayed home, but, atleast without the pain of those dreams.
Monday, December 31st, 11:59pm
I like to make bubbles was this not the most exciting New Year's Eve?
Saturday, January 5th, 2:28pm
Sometimes I feel like a piece of bread. I feel like someone took me out of the bag, with a purpose, and a reason for me... and then something came up, and they had to leave me there, waiting, on the counter... and whatever it was that took them away, made them totally forget about me. When they finally remember me, I am stale, and cold, and hard, and not fit for my original use. So I get thrown in the garbage, as if going stale and hard was my fault.
Saturday, January 20th, 2002
I hate having a cold. It makes everything taste like... everything else. All you can do is drink lots of water and orange juice and sleep the whole weekend away. I have been online for... a long time, because I slept half the evening away, and I am so bored, and Keith is at work, and I don't want to hang ot with anyone, because there isn't anyone to hang out with, and if there was, all I would do is get them sick or something. Wahhh. I want chicken soup, and for someone to go grocery shopping with me. I have a fever, and it's so hot. I think I went delirious a while ago. What's new right? I feel so bad, because Keith is working nights, and he gets home at 7am, and he tries to tell me stuff, and talk to me and mess with me, and I am all grouchy because I am sick, and all I want to do is be lethargic and sleep. So I growl at him, then I feel bad. :(
WOE.
I like being friends with my ex. It doesn't seem to be a problem for either of us. We get along almost like brother and sister. SO why am I still slightly jealous of his girlfriend?
It is giving me a headache to think about it. I am going back to sleep.
Satuday July 13th, 2002. 11:44pm
Well then, let's get this started. I have alot of current writings to load on to this blasted bad habit of a site. I will probably not fill in many gaps, you will just have to prented it's your favorite soap, and you have been out of the country for 3 YEARS. Hahaha. Plug the holes in yourself. Let me go get my book so that I can begin transferring test. There are also parts in my book that are entirely too personal, and that deal with particular people in my life who do read this page, maybe, who knows. Anyhow, I am going to edit it like I am Wal Mart and it's the new Eminem CD. Haha. You liked it.
On with the show.
I miss my mom. She wrote me a nice e-mail from work, on Friday. I liked going home a few weeks ago. All I did was sit around and chat with my mom in her sunroom. I also spent a bit of time with Neil at Mexico Beach. We just always chat about anything and everything. There's no reason for most of what I do. I guess I pretty mcuh do what I want, within reason. I almost own my car and I love my job. Mark's an awesome boyfriend, and I have the urge to go back to school. Sounds like things are better than worse, really.
How many people honestly love their jobs? I sometimes wonder if I am doing a decent job there. I make mistakes sometimes. I guess I am a little more insecure about it than I should be.
There is a big possibility that I will be moving in with Mark very soon. I don't think that he is ready, and I was just getting used to living completely alone again.. but I fear that after the lease is up here on the 30th, that I will not have very many other options, as far as a new place is concerned. I've been struggling as it is, and now I have to take care of the mess I have made with my license. This year has started off with a big "L" on it's forehead. I always seem to manage something, and someone almost always saves me. I haven't asked my parents for too much lately. If I have, I have surely pushed it out of my head to better forget about it.
Wednesday, August 6th, 2003 9:10pm
Well, Mark just got home, and left again, to take some football garb to a meeting point where WG will be, waiting to drive the garb back to its rightful owner. Why did I bother to mention that? I think it was a nicer opening line than "I don't feel like I belong anywhere at all right now." Maybe sometimes you are supposed to feel like you don't belong anywhere. I think I have just figured out what I love most about my job. I love that I am needed there. When I am not there, some things go undone. All hell also breaks loose. Don't flatter yourself, Lexie. I accidentally started typing, and now I don't see myself stopping until I hear Mark's key in the door. I might not even stop then. It's not like I am hiding anything, writing in a public web journal. Hi Mom.
Speaking of moms, I really miss mine. I feel the need to go home for a bit, and chat endlessly with my mom in her new sunroom, while she smokes alot and we laugh at my brother's stupid bearded dragons. She is in Chattanooga right now, for her job, I suppose. I wish she would stop in and see me. I'd split the cost of a hotel with her, in St Augustine or something... Taking one Friday off to have Mark taxi me around with Hunter to get my picture ID and cash my check is not really my idea of a vacation.
I have Amanda's wedding to appear in this Saturday. I bought shoes that I can't walk in, and a dress that I will never wear again. I am beginning to feel more and more like an accessory. I feel like a child in the backseat, with no control, no say, and no strength. All I can do is melt like ice cream, into the seats, and further frustrate the car owner with the mess that I have made of myself. 9:23pm
Saturday Night, September 6th, 2003 10:38pm
Ok I am not beating around the bush any more. I cam here to straight up bitch. I don't know what to do right now. I kinda can't go to sleep. Men and women are assholes. No one ever says what they feel, no one ever assumes anything GOOD. There is no trust, no respect, and no affection. I need a hug.
I should have never moved in here. I feel bad. I know it's not the right thing to do, but when have I ever done the right thing? I am so angry. I want attention, and I just can't get it, and I am tired of being understanding about it. I want to just sit here and bitch. I want to wake up and have no moustache. I want my fingernails to stop breaking and my cuticles to be softer and ...
Friday! September 19th, 2003 12:36AM Panama City-Time
Well, I had a labor-filled day at work. Yes, I am whining again. This keyboard is easy to type on, and I am in a room by myself, with nothing better to do. Lucky you. I came to Panama City to visit with my mom, and take my brother to a birthday lunch. It was a nice therapeutic drive, once I got out of Duval County, you non-paying-attention-bad-driving-bastards. Sometimes, people drive like their house is not going to be there by the time they get home. All I can say is, you should have taken that crap at work, buddy, and maybe you wouldn't be driving like such an asshole. (No pun intended, Charlie Ray.)
I can't seem to form intelligent sentences today. I have typed and deleted about four paragraphs now, and this is about as close as it is going to get for a nice closing statement. Too bad it was all about how I couldn't think of anything to type as my closing statement. Don't you wish there was something more interesting to read. I've got some good books in my storage shed. If you are nice to me, and also lucky enough to catch me on a non-selfish day, I might just let you borrow one.
Look, I feel like writing again.
I don't want to be a common girl. I don't think I have to worry about THAT too much... but sometimes, I get to thinking about what the fuck is going through other women's heads. Maybe it's me that's whacked? Wait, wait. We already knew that. Thanks, anonymous donator of comments. Come closer so I can show you where to stick them. I just want to take care of the Mister, and make him happy. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with playing a role long forgotten by society, and my generation? I might be a selfish bitch by day, but I am a foot-rubbing, head-petting, are-you-sure-you-had-enough-to-eat kinda of girl by night. Don't forget the occasional eyelash batting and uncontrollable smiling. Mark seems to be ok with it. I seem to be ok with it. What's your problem again? *Here's the part where I smile and blink some to make you feel like I am paying attention to you* Weee. Wasn't that fun. Iam so tired I can't feel my face any more. I will probably pick this back up tomorrow, because I don't have much do to as of right now, in good old Panama City. ta-ta for today.
Sunday, September 28th 2003 2:20pm
I sit here typing on my site, trying to recall all of the wonderful things I thought about all week that I told myself I would add here. I feel bad for not being able to remember one ounce of good ideas. I should start writing this stuff down. Wait, I was writing it down. I got to busy to do that. My writing suffers once again, from my 'busy life'. I don't even have a busy life. I just pretend uts busy so that I can sit around more, and complain about how busy my life is.
I got sidetracked cleaning. It happens from time to time. I am slowly and painfully realizing that the bad things that happen to a person are almost always their own fault, somehow. The only way I am ever going to feel any better about myself is if I remove myself from any situation that makes me unhappy, and change everything that I can to suit my needs. I guess that's proof right there that I am the definition of selfish. So what. No one ever really wants from me what I have to offer, so what the hell am I always so worried about everyone else for anyhow? I want many things, and I have tried my whole life to share myself with people on many different levels. I see now that it doesn't matter. From one person to the next, people always do what they want, when they want. It's human nature. I am tired of trying to share all that is wonderful about me, with someone else. It's useless, hopeless, and it just ends up with me, unhappy, and another name scratched off the list. I might not be anyone to someone else, but to me, I am all I have. I don't want anything else to stand in my way of me being myself. I want all the things the next woman wants. I like new things, and things that smell good, and things that are shiny. I don't like to get dirty, I don't like to smell bad, and I don't like to be forgotten. Nobody Girl. If you can't see me, why are you looking at me like you want something? I have blind eyes. I think it's a physical match for my blind selfishness. I am not a socially handicapped person. I usually chat up anyone I can, anywhere I can. It eases the mind to know that someone near you is doing the same thing you are. It's even more intersting when they are not like you at all. I bump into crazy old ladies at the grocery store, who have orange hair, and gold shoes, not to mention $5,000 worth gold jewlery on, at 11:00pm. I don't ask myself what a lady like that is doing in a place like this, at such an hour. I find that all I need to know about her, is that maybe she needed something from the grocery store at such an hour. I sum people up by how they look. Most everyone does, whether they want to admit it or not. We all dress and groom ourselves into a certain way, each day. Whether or not you think about your appearance as much as the next person, I promise, you still care what other people think about you. The only exclusion to this, is homeless people. Who knows if they care whether or not they care what people think about them. I think they are interesting, from a distance.
I often wonder if things would have been different when I was growing up, if I would be the person I am today. I think I don't want kids because success does not fall into your lap. I observe things around me as often as I can. What I see is simple. Parents who are successful usually raise successful children. Parents who had a decent life, and who are still here kicking it daily, working hard, for needs, and the occasional indulgence will raise children that don't stray too far from the 'family tradition'. It's why alcoholic people have alcoholic kids. Wife beaters raise sons that beat their wives. As a child, you have little control over your adult life. I don't care what people say about being an adult, and having the resources to better yourself. I don't ever want anyone to tell me something like that, for they are not me. I don't tell them how to be who they are from my perspective. I don't need feedback. If it's so easy to enroll in college, and get an education, and just be what I want to be, why didn't my parents do it. Why didn't their parents do it. Why don't my neighrbors, friends, and relatives do it? What the hell is so different about me that I can take the pressure, and do what I am supposed to do, while knowing that no one else around me has done those things. It's not much to feel great about, as far as encouragement goes. I am not dissing my mom, or dad, or boyfriend, or best friend, or anyone at all. I just think that I do a decent job of being me, and if someone else could be me for a time, would they be able to handle it? If I were someone else for a time, would I be able to handle it? Everyone elses problems always look easier to you, beause you have your own demons to fight with. It's what makes you who you are.
Seems I get to a certain point in my life every now and then, and the only place I feel I can turn, is to my web page. I don't want to talk to a human being right now. You are all the same. Don't console me. Don't tell me that I'm young, and it will pass. Don't tell me it's a part of life. No one has the answer to my questions. Part of my problem is that I never have many questions. No wonder I'm clueless. I expect them to fall into my lap, haven't you heard? I will be twenty-five next Friday. I feel like I need to shed out of my skin. I can't go on living this daily life that I am living. There is no reason or logical explanation for most of my actions. I'm just going through the motions, always looking back to see the mistakes I've made. How will I learn to walk in the future, if I can't get past crawling around on the ground of my past?
October 21, 2004
Holy Cow. I'm back. Seems like there might be some sort of pattern associated with my stress level, and how often I visit my journal. It's like catharsis! If you don't know what that is, look it up. I still don't have my life figured out. I still end sentences with prepositions. I still say 'fuck' way too much. I still date people for all the wrong reasons. I am in school. I liked it, at first. I feel like a barnacle on the great ship of knowledge. I feel like a barnacle, period. Someone scrape me off, I'm an eyesore. As you can plainly see, I am depressed. I hate everything, and nothing makes me happy. Hungry Lexie doesn't even want anything to eat. I just want to whine. I want to have some fun. I have not had real fun in a long time. People need fun. I can't just sit here every fucking weekend, locking myself in the bathroom, to escape the noise and chaos. I am not cut out for the situation that I have put myself in. Look, I just ended another sentence with a preposition. Someone just told me that they like to listen to a song with lyrics something along the lines of 'eating soup with a fork' and man, does that make me feel better. im glad im not the only sorry bastard(ette) out there who just wants to hate things for a little while. I'm not happy with my life, and if you don't like it, you can go fuck yourself.
I just went back and re-read all of the stuff I wrote back in 1999. I'm a lunatic. I take back all of the things I just said about crazy people. I will be selling handpainted trinkets at the greyhound station before you know it. I can hang out with the hot dog lady, and chat with business people who are scampering around downtown, trying to make themselves feel important.
I do not like it when Mark's kids come over. There is no room here. How can I say I don't like it when they come over. I'm the only person here who isn't a part of the family. What right do I have, to say that I need space, or time, or silence and order. Who am I to tell a grown man that I can't be with him any more, because I don't like his children. It's not personal. Those kids didn't do anything to me. My patience does not care. I cannot tolerate children, especially children who have no boundaries, and who are never clean. Why can't everything just be clean, and nice, and where I left it. I need to live alone. I need to live alone in a house with nothing else alive inside, besides myself. I don't even want a plant to water. I have a plant. Sometimes I feel terrible for neglecting it. Sometimes I sit here and stare at it, at its wilted leaves, and its dry soil, and I sip my cold water. Am I alive? Is this alive? Can I be any closer to being dead, without actually being dead? I'm just a nigga trying to work some shit out. Is that ok with you? Remember what I said about not liking what I had to say. It starts with an F and rhymes with FUCK YOU.
I hate the way other people drive. If we were all still traveling by foot, would they shove you aside, or jump in front of you, and look back to flick you off and laugh? Would you walk so close to someone elses ass that they stopped in their tracks, causing you to collide into their ass? Wouldn't you feel stupid? You should. Isn't your house going to be there when you get home? Is it my fault you had to masturbate into the toilet, causing yourself to be late, which in turn led you to drive like an asshole?
Why can't I have my cake and eat it too? What's the point of having cake, if you can't eat it. If I can't have it to eat, then I don't want any, and I hope that your ass gets fat when you eat the piece that I could have been eating.
The carpet is nasty. The walls are nasty. There are dishes in the sink. The tub is dirty. The kitchen floor is riddled with little sticky drops of juice and other fine liquids. I didn't do it. The tan leather couch is sort of brown now. The tv that used to turn on with the push of a button, and display a channel clearly now must be forced on. You have to wiggle the cable to get the picture to clear up. It used to work ok, but one day the tv had to have surgery, twice, and now it's cable just isn't the same. Also, there is a mystery film on the screen that I am just tired of cleaning. For some strange reason, it always comes right back, usually on the weekends. Why are all of the lights on? Why does the house smell like crap? Why are my things strewn about? Why am I here. What joy can I possibly bring. I knew so much better than to allow myself to slip into this mess. Did I think it was going to be fun. Did I think I would change?
Come closer. I want to see you.
Closer still, so I can smell you.
Over here. I'd like to taste you.
Let me chew you several times, and savor the flavor. It will only take a moment, and I will promptly spit you out, and leave you there, wadded up, and used.
It would be nice to wake up, and be as stupid as everyone else. I would love nothing more than to think that my life is mine to give to others. I would love to smile and look you in the eyes. I'd love to break your heart, and never let you understand why. Hey man, can I borrow some change?
I'm not even done writing all of the things that I wanted to say, and already I feel an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt, for all of the stupid things that I have just said. I'm not going to erase them. (FU) Leave me alone. I could be doing homework. I could be re-writing my term paper for humanities, for the second time. I could be sleeping. It's 1:36am, and my mind is buzzing with thought. All I want to do is talk... I want to see things. I want to go places. I want to crawl out of my skin, and scrub my meat down to the bones. When I look at myself in the mirror, I frown. I am not happy with what I see. Cute girl who has too much to think about. Flashy car, minus an engine. Not so flashy. Will I live out the puny dreams I have? Will I end up with a family? Doubtful. The thought of sharing my body with a parasitic fetus makes me want to vomit up my uterus. No one will ever be able to make me happy. I am slowly learning that it's not anyone else's responsibility to make me happy. I am the ultimate selfishness. Take a good look. I don't fight, or break things. I don't steal, or abuse. I just want to be happy, and if you can't do it with me, then I am going to have to do it by myself. I'm not very good at getting things done by myself. I yawn. The more deelpy you get involved with someone, the more difficult it is to untangle yourself from the knot. I want nice things, and I want to keep them nice. I want to take care of myself. I don't care about doing things anyone's way but my own.
Everything is out of place. None of the gears are lined up, how can this machine keep functioning?
I roll my eyes at myself. I roll them at you, too.
The only stable thing in my life right now, is something that I think I would be better off without.
How human of me to crave stability. It must be magical stuff, like unicorns, and trolls. I've never seen any of those things. Will it hurt? Is it fun?
Can I take pictures, so that when it's gone, I can look back and think about how fun it was? I wish I could be a drone, like everyone else. Buzz buzz, yes my queen. You can't grow if you don't shed your skin every once in a while.
Amanda is in town, and she is the only constant shred of comfort in my life right now. Everything is new, and nothing is warm.
Thanks, Mark.
I have been jobless for almost two months now, and I really want to begin to receive a paycheck on a regular basis now. I feel like I am not doing anything all day long, even if I do actually get alot of stuff done. I am thinking about taking my old job back. It's the highest paying job that I have found in this town. I have looked high and low, and no one will pay me what they payed me, not even with experience.
Enough about money, let's talk about vacations and current adventures. I went to Destin and West Laguna beach the other day, and I was really disappointed. Last time I went there with one of my friends, I remeber foliage, trees, dunes, and lots of sand. I almost got sick to my stomach to see ANOTHER high-rise going up. I barely recognized the spot as I drove by. Makes me mad.
Wanna know another thing that makes me mad? teenagers in this town treat their parents with almost NO respect. I know that I have given my mom hard times... but I witnessed a real brat today, in full effect. I was at a car wash with Eric, having the car detailed, and this little high-school brat and her seemingly quiet sister came strutting in lollipops in hand. They sat down at the table across from us, and immediately begin to whine. The mom semi-ignored them with blunt answers to their pleads, but for the most part, I think mom wanted to slap them as badly as I did. I wish that I was a bitch enough to reply a snide remark to everything that she moaned about. She was upset because her mom's car didn't look new anymore, and that the workers didn't look clean or nice. Do you think you'd look nice after washing other people's nice cars all day in the blistering heat? I know I'd come off as a bitch to anyone who didn't know me.
Wait, I do come off as a bitch to anyone who doesn't know me. Hah.
My time is up, she would like to go on the computer.
I will just have to drop by the office and manually enter my hours so that I get payed for my services...lol.
I love it here, I can wear whatever I want. Jeans and a girlie shirt, sounds good to me! Eric is jealous. He has top wear a tie and slacks, heh. Oh yeah, and some really uncomfy shoes.
Eric has been oblivious to the fact that I am still here, in the same house as he is. It hurts. I don't know what is wrong, so I don't know what I can do to help fix it. I have an ok job, he has a great job. I drive a car that kinda runs, he drives a nice car. I clean after everyone, he watches me clean after everyone. I nuzzle with him, he turns over. I don't know if I am on the right track here, but I feel like I am giving and giving, and not getting. We are getting ready to find another apartment, and his mom just sold her house in Panama City. I am hoping and praying that maybe a fresh beginnig in a new place will help spark things up a little. I am sure that it will be stressful at times, because moving is nerve-racking, but I still know that new things are exciting.
My cat is sleeping on her own head. One thing that might make a difference in her day, she doesn't have any responsibilities. She doesn't have to wake up and go to work, so who cares if her neck is a little stiff. She will probably still be able to lick her own ass in a few hours. Eric and I always talk about how nice it must be to be a cat. You just lay around all day, biggest fear, NO food or NO fresh water. Luckily, our cats have plenty of food and water, except for when I am not there to fill it up. (Because if I don't, no one will) When they want attention, they get it, when they don't want you to mess with them, they make themselves perfectly clear. It's because they run off pure instinct. Oh, and they like laser pointers :)
Eric's mom sold her house. She will be moving to Jacksonville soon. Then Eric, his brother Eran, and Rikee (mom) will all be together again. I kinda wish that I had some family here. His family has become my family. I only get to see my mom here and there. I feel really alone sometimes, because no one takes the place of your family, and I don't have anyone near. Eric and my cat Bamba ARE my family. I don't know why I cannot just accept that as a change. I still want to be in my room, in Panama City, with my mom yelling at me that it's time to eat. We all gather at the table, and complain that the vent is blowing on us. We talk about the day, and me and my brother blame fart noises on a chair. We finish eating, and shoo BeggarBear (my dog) away from the table while we take our scraps to the trash.
Things are so different here. First of all, we have no table to eat at. The closest thing that we have (had) to a table was a coffee table. A big round coffee table. It was our room mates, but we all used it to eat off of. Patrick *room mate* came out into the living room one day recently, spinning a big heavy glass wine bottle around, practicing his bartending moves. I always tell him NOT in the house, NOT in the house. He once broke a bottle over his water bed. Oh, funny I mention that waterbed. It's the same one that he left to overlfow in our apartment. Yeah, I always wanted an indoor pool. Anyways, back to the coffee table. He was wrecklessly spinning this bottle around, dropping every other pass. CRASH. Lookie at the table. What a mess. Glass everywhere. I am still afraid to step into my living room barefooted. I know he didn't do a good job vacuuming. He is the same person whose idea about how to do dishes consists of placing shitloads of variously dirty dishes into scalind hot water with soap, leaving them there for 2 days, then rinsing them off, and laying them out to dry. I asked him to take the remains of the coffee table out to the dumpster immediately, so that no addicental decapitations occurred while room mates were asleep. He said that he would figure something out. I love how he thinks. He just laid the shit outside, jaggedy edges protruding into the walkway. I would love for the apartment complex people to come by and see that. I don't think that Patrick has the basic human feature of thinking ahead. What if some little kid were to go trotting by, and slice half the flesh off of his arm. Know who's fault it would be? Eric and my fault. We are on the lease, and when we signed that paper, we agreed to the complexes terms and conditions. That probably meant NO 3 FOOT TALL PIECES OF JAGGED-ASS GLASS IN THE BREEZEEWAY. I give Patrick warnings. Next time I see him, I will make it perfectly clear that I want the glass moved. If he does not move it, I will have the complex manager talk to him. They already seem to have a problem with him. He likes to leave carparts and bubba-paraphenalia (sp) all over our front porch. Problem is, this is not a trailer park. It's a TIGHT apartment complex. There are things that you are not allowed to do here. He has no respect for rules, authority, or property. I wish that he would grow up.
I feel like I am at that point in my life where I need to make a decision about something that will change my day-to-day life. I just don't know what it is. I want a permanent job again, that I am content with. I would love a car that love me back. I would also like it if Eric paid more attention to me. I could shave my head, and he would not notice. He might ask if I changed my hair color or something. I just want him to notice me. I feel like we have been together so long that we have become immune to each other's cuteness. I still tell him that he is cute, and I still tell him that I love him. I just don't ever get a return comment. Oh well. Withering away and dying an agonizingly lonely death doesn't sound so bad. Hey, I can always look at it like this, ATLEAST I was too blind to see it while it was happening! I just want some physical affection. A kind word here and there would be nice too. It's like when you are little, and you know your parents love you, and you love them too... but how often do you really tell them that, or how often do you hear it from them? Sometimes, it's too late to tell the ones that you love "I Love You" , but what's sick is that it makes you feel SO good to tell someone that. I like to tell Eric that he is cute. One reason, well, he is very attractive. I know that has to make him feel good. He knows that I love his eyes, nose, lips and ears. I love his smile, and especially that crazy little blond hair on his forehead. He knows this, bt I constantly reassure him of that. I know I have a big butt, no boobs, and a small head. I also know that I have nice eyes, and a cute nose. But I never get that reassurance. Everyone likes a complement, including me. I am going out of my mind. I need to hear some love. I hate looking at myself in the mirror every day, and telling myselfthat I am cute.
Argh.
I am planning on winning the lotto this weekend. I don't want to work anymore. It's a waste of my time. I go there, and sit down, and proceed to waste my entire day for not even enough money to get things taken care of. What's the deal or point? Ahh anyways. I am scared of snow. Someone wants to show me snow, and I am more scared of snow than a rat-quick-boogie-monster with teeth bigger than my car... is there such a thing? Oh wait, everything is bigger than my car! I have never really experienced snow as an adult. Or a taxi cab ride, or being on a train, or a plane, or on a boat larger than John's (not a cruiseliner or anything) and until a few weeks ago when I went to lunch with my friend Marlo, I had never been in a damn convertible car? !!! Sheltered MUCH!?!
Well, Here I sit, again. I wish that I had a real computer. This iMac is really not sufficient for all my internet needs. Believe it or n ot, I do more than chat online. The programs on this thing that open up 90% of internet docs SUCKS. It only opens half the time, and it leaves lots of stuff out, and changes whatever set font is on the site, to MacFont. It's getting really difficult to read things, and write e-mails from anywhere but AOL. Not that I mind that part, so long as I can keep writing from my AOL account, I spose we will be ok.
I have the most gnarly tan on my shoulders. I had a very sleeveless shirt on, and it left the marks to prove that I was crazy for not wantng to wear sunscreen.
12-12-00
I went to the mall on my lunchbreak. Things just don't seem as interesting to me anymore. It seems more and more to me that how my day goes and how my mood sways isn't really in my control any more. I am not mean to people on purpose. I don't plan on leaving the house every morning to be an agressive driver and make up new cusswords. I wake up every morning wanting to have a good day like everyone else. I want to be cheerful like everyone else. I just got a new apartment. I love Eric, and my cat, and I love ME. I still wish that I was who I was four years ago. I know I have changed. I know that change is good. It just doesn't always seem that way when it's happening, but we all know it always works out in the end. Someitmes, it's even fun to look back and remember how crazy stressed you were. It's all or nothing every day of your life. I choose all. The problem is that sometimes it's better to have nothing than alot of all that you don't want or need. I can't think of anything in my life right now that I don't need. I should be so thankful. What stops me? I don't know why I always want more. I save my money for more, and want bigger and better. I get my hopes up, and let myself down. I don't preach my acomplishments because that leads to questions. I don't like questions because they lead to my answers. Isn't giving someone the answer cheating?
I don't know what to do any more. I am not hard to get along with, I cook sometimes, clean all the time, and what the fuck is wrong with a little bit of personal time? Why can no compromises be made? Everything I do that isn't directly related to my survival (working, for example)is directed at the current love in my life. I feel that I do not get that back, and I am tired of looking for it. I think that if I live along, miserably, of course, I can become the ultimate self-loving, evil, conceited bitch. What's so bad about that? I don't care so much for friends, obviously, or I would be talking to them, and not typing on my webpage to myself. I think that I just want to ... I dont know. If I had the money, and the credit, I would buy a house at the end of a street somewhere, and feed every single damn stray cat in the neighborhood. People would call me, simply, "The Crazy Old Lady At The End Of The Street With All The Cats." That doesn't sound so bad.
I feel bad. My ear hurts. I dont know what's wrong with it, but secretly I hope that I go deaf so that I don't have to hear 1/2 of what goes on around me any more. I am supposedly engaged, but things are not looking like I am one that someone wants to care about for ever and ever. I thought that's what marraige meant. Maybe it's just me. Things are funny, because... for a while, I felt like I was on top of everything, evn though I didn't insist it, the world semi-revolved around me. It seems as though I was yet again wrong, and that things do not revolve around me, even when I pray and dream that they do.
Maybe I will get a break one day. I dont want a prince charming. I dont want a prince at all. I don't want a charmer at all. I want someone who will communicate with me. Let me in. Treat me with respect, and listen to my wants and needs.
Woe.
I wonder if there is anyone else out there who knows what I feel like, or who is going through the same things that I am going through. I feel so emotionally overwhelmed. I never feel like this. Every time I get a chance to sit and think, my eyes brim to the top with tears. I hate to cry. I rarely ever do it, but lately, it's been an almost daily ritual. Sometimes I know what causes it, and sometimes, I just have to let it go, and deal with it. Keith probably thinks that I am crazy. I probably am crazy. Yesterday, was the first time that he didn't know why I was crying, he has only ever seen me cry twice, until then. Every other time, I have had all the reason in the world to cry. But, yesterday, I didn't know what the REAL reason was. I knew what got to me, and what started it all, but I didn't know deep down why it had started. I just felt like crying. I feel ugly, and I have felt ugly since I cut my hair. I want it to grow back so badly. I loved it last time it was short. I guess I am a different person now. I feel like a lesbian. I haven't tweezed my eyebrows in a week, and they look horrible. Just another can on my pile of trash.
I am gonna go before it gets any more confusing.
with my favorite gum
they don't stick
to the tip
of my nose
I can hear all the people in my 'hood yelling and what not. Yeah. It's 12:01.
This book is dedicated to Eric, who I share way too many adventures with. I started it on July 01, 2002. It begins as followed:
Haha. I just called Lex and Terry to chat about internet dating. Then I . Then I called Kevin to tell him about it. I soon remembered that I could have had Lex and Terry call Kevin while I was on the air, and ask him his opinion on the subject. I hate how you never know exactly what to say until AFTER you've ended the conversation. Oh well. I suppose that's life.
I'm dreadfully bored. I feel like a 'tard because I can't stop thinking about Kevin. He's so awesome.
I took a pay cut but I love my new job. Where could I have drawn the line? Hehe.
I bet this pen runs out of ink before I get to the next section in this notebook. It's a brand new pen. We'll see won't we. I've decided recently that I will not use me debit card any more. I've already stopped writing checks. I have made friends with Mr Post Office and Mrs Money order.
Saturday May 3rd, 2003 7:08pm
Betyou thought you would never see me again. I must admit, I have had such irregularities lately that I have thought nothing of my web site. I do not feel so guilty, really. Contrary to popular belief MOM, I do have a small life. I spend mucho time with my boyfriend, and then I have to go to that work place like about 40 hours a week. It's not so bad having to find things to do to fill all the rest of the empty space and time, what with sleeping and everything.
I have a new boyfriend, probably been through several since the last time I was here. I am too lazy to go back and re-read what I have already written. His name is Mark. I'm going to get that out in the open, so that I can just use his name, instead of saying "my boyfriend" a lot. SO if you missed this line, you aren't ever going to know what's going on. Unless you are one of those people that can watch three soaps, be hooked, and know everyone's past, present, and future better than the freakin producer. See.
I just moved out of Eric's house. Relief. My new roomate's name is John. Write that one down too, for I am sure it will be in more than one sentence. He's a swell guy, and we get along well enough to live togehter, obviously. He is my room mate. Err. I am his room mate. Whatever.
Sunday June 29th, 2003 10:43pm
Well, I live alone now. I moved out of John's condo, and into a one bedrooom by myself. Obviously, it was something I felt I needed to do, because I did it. I have had a stale weekend. I guess it felt alright to spend all that time with myself. I learned that no matter what I eat, and how much I exercise (not much at all, haha) my mood totally reflects my preception of the size of my own ass. Being a woman is very confusing.
I am still dating Mark. We get along well. He pets me, I pet him. I was just chatting with him a few minutse ago about whether or not I had ever mentioned him in my web page. I didn't think I had, until I came back here to see for myself. I was suprised to see that I had actually made an entry in the last 6 months, and that Mark's name was in it. I guess I didn't have much to say about him that day...lol. I don't think I was in much of a mood for pouring any sort of soul into a blinking cursor. I must admit, I don't think I get the same therapeutic effects now as I did back in the old WebTV days. I guess I am a different person. I actually KNOW I am a different person.
Amanda got married. I was scared that after it was all over, she wouldn't really chat much with me any more. I guess that's the stigma left over from letting Nikki go when she got married. I was at her wedding in May of 2002... and after that, I have never said another word to her, and she has never said another word to me. It's not really sad, or depressing. It's just life. I guess I am at the age (24) right now where a lot of my friends will be getting married, and they will be having kids, and they will probably end up with shiny new minivans too. Haha, take that, Amanda, and Dan ;) (Dan got married and his wife Joie had a baby. Danny Jr. Yippee.)
I still don't think that marriage is for me. Especially since the engagement incident. He wasn't ready, I wasn't ready, oh and I accidentally dropped my engagement ring down the bathtub drain. SO I am an asshole. You didn't think that was something that would change, did you?
I wear dresses now, woo hoo. I am not to the point yet where they are a part of my daily wardrobe diet... but hell, to get me to even wear one at all was no simple task, I am sure. Most of my influence for that personal goal was Mark, who probably had his own man-reasons as to why he would like to see me in a dress, but either way, it worked. Way to go, Mark.
I spent my first weekend alone in my own place, and I am still not sure what one is supposed to do with all that time, and nothing to do. I have consumed a lot of ramen noodles, and cereal. I feel mildly pathetic, but in a positive way. Does that make sense at all? It is late. I am tired.
I finally have a cool job. I am but a secretary at a silkscreen company... but I love my job. I'll never make fun of secretaries again. It's a rather small company, but my bosses are great, and everyone there is really awesome. Yay.
I think that I am going to take my bored, lame-weekend-having-self to bed. Maybe I will pick this journal thing back up now that I live alone and have too much time on my hands. Nite.
Sunday June 29th, 2003 10:43pm
Well, I live alone now. I moved out of John's condo, and into a one bedrooom by myself. Obviously, it was something I felt I needed to do, because I did it. I have had a stale weekend. I guess it felt alright to spend all that time with myself. I learned that no matter what I eat, and how much I exercise (not much at all, haha) my mood totally reflects my preception of the size of my own ass. Being a woman is very confusing.
I am still dating Mark. We get along well. He pets me, I pet him. I was just chatting with him a few minutse ago about whether or not I had ever mentioned him in my web page. I didn't think I had, until I came back here to see for myself. I was suprised to see that I had actually made an entry in the last 6 months, and that Mark's name was in it. I guess I didn't have much to say about him that day...lol. I don't think I was in much of a mood for pouring any sort of soul into a blinking cursor. I must admit, I don't think I get the same therapeutic effects now as I did back in the old WebTV days. I guess I am a different person. I actually KNOW I am a different person.
Amanda got married. I was scared that after it was all over, she wouldn't really chat much with me any more. I guess that's the stigma left over from letting Nikki go when she got married. I was at her wedding in May of 2002... and after that, I have never said another word to her, and she has never said another word to me. It's not really sad, or depressing. It's just life. I guess I am at the age (24) right now where a lot of my friends will be getting married, and they will be having kids, and they will probably end up with shiny new minivans too. Haha, take that, Amanda, and Dan ;) (Dan got married and his wife Joie had a baby. Danny Jr. Yippee.)
I still don't think that marriage is for me. Especially since the engagement incident. He wasn't ready, I wasn't ready, oh and I accidentally dropped my engagement ring down the bathtub drain. SO I am an asshole. You didn't think that was something that would change, did you?
I wear dresses now, woo hoo. I am not to the point yet where they are a part of my daily wardrobe diet... but hell, to get me to even wear one at all was no simple task, I am sure. Most of my influence for that personal goal was Mark, who probably had his own man-reasons as to why he would like to see me in a dress, but either way, it worked. Way to go, Mark.
I spent my first weekend alone in my own place, and I am still not sure what one is supposed to do with all that time, and nothing to do. I have consumed a lot of ramen noodles, and cereal. I feel mildly pathetic, but in a positive way. Does that make sense at all? It is late. I am tired.
I finally have a cool job. I am but a secretary at a silkscreen company... but I love my job. I'll never make fun of secretaries again. It's a rather small company, but my bosses are great, and everyone there is really awesome. Yay.
I think that I am going to take my bored, lame-weekend-having-self to bed. Maybe I will pick this journal thing back up now that I live alone and have too much time on my hands. Nite.
Sunday, July 13th, 2003 6:51pm
It's been about two weeks since I lost my license. It sucks, but I am human, and I am adapting alright. I am lucky there are a few people who are willing to help me out, and who care about me. I know I have helped my fair share of people in my lifetime. I feel as if in the last two years or so, I have become more understanding, and human, and mature about how I deal with other people, and how I look at their situations. Not that it's any of my business to judge anyone else's situations, but still. I'm slightly intoxicated, so half of what I say is going to be completely senseless. Screw you, you can leave if you don't like it.
I chatted on the phone with a freind of mine from work. We just went on and on about life, and marriage, and men. She's been around long enough to know a thing or two about all of those subjects, so why not have a long drawn out conversation on a Sunday afternoon. A lazy one at that.
I spent the whole day with Mark and his kids at Jax Beach yesterday. I had a good time with Hunter in the water. We probably played for a good two hours. I had SPF 45 on, and my shoulders still got a medium rare tint to them today. They are sort of raw. I had to sleep carefully. I remember thinking that it was warm in my house, but only it really wasn't warm at all.
I don't think that I know much about myself at this point in my life. I have ideas, like everyone else, about what everyone else thinks about me. I wish I could be less judgemental on everyone else. I am by no means perfect, incase you haven't learned that by now.
I used to think that I was selfish. I might have been selfish. I know now, in my life, at the spot I am in right now, I am not very selfish at all. Mayeb it's selfish of me to say that. I think i give more of myself than most people. I feel like I am maybe a little more needy than I used to be, as far as a man is concerned. I look back now, and I can't remember ever having a very long span of time pass by, where I might have been completely single. That's pathetic, really. Maybe there are just people out there who really will always have to have someone around to pick them up off the ground. Sitting at home alone for more than a small time (or unless I really have the urge to sit around alone for a while, is that ok with you, cause it's sure as fuck ok with me.)usually ends up with me, in front of the computer, depressed, and sniveling to some poor IM victim about how much I like Mark, and of how big of a fool I am. Oh and she says booger.
This is constructive. I logged off AOL because it's Sunday evening, and Mark just might call on his way back from 'the Green Cove' trip tonight. Hopeful and pathetic move, to say the least, but I feel I'm making progress here, so again, you know where the BACK button is on your browser. My noodles are causing a slight burning sensation on the back of my throat. Maybe something in my sink had something on it besides food? Did I was the dish well? Ugh, shit like this reminds me of Eric and his "Worst Case Scenario, You Die" approach... I guess, as usual, he has a valid point, to some small extent.
Sometimes I think that in the last year I have actualyl gotten dumber. I've just been floating around making things happen when I didn't have any other choice. Way to live, Lexie. I think I do an ok job, really. I am healthy, not really starving, and I have a steady job. My boyfriend cares about me, and so do the few friends that I have managed to keep. I guess I sorta let things fall into place so long as those first few things are under moderate control.
Did I already mention that I missed my mom? Lately, I have felt pretty out of place in Jacksonville. Actually, I have felt out of place ever since Eric and I split up. He was the reason I moved here. I always wanted to move back, but I never would have made the move alone. He always had to push me. Everyone always ahs to push me. I almost want to will my legs to uselessnes, and get a nice fancy tight-rimmed wheelchair, just to make it easier on everyone. That wouldn't be very much like me to make anything easier on anyone. Some things just aren't my style.
I have a picture of my brother that I keep by my computer. I think he staged it, and took it of himself pretending to sleep. I think that he is one of many bright young people in my family. I was reminded so much of that on Father's Day, when I went home to see my mom, and maybe spend some time with my dad. It was all just a little convenient. All but three of my cousins were there... that's alot. My mom has 2 brothers and 3 sisters. All of her siblings, and herself, have two kids or more. Do the math. I realized that we are a very lucky family, to sit in the same room, on a not-so-familial holiday, as father's day, all at the same time. It was almost liek being on drugs. Then I ate turkey, and drove home in a sleepy daze. Stupid dopamine-filled turkey. The whole trip was sort of magical. Four hours in my car, alone, thinking, singing, and worrying that I might get pulled over for having a 5 month old expired tag, that I altered with a magic marker, and a possibly suspended driver's license.
I've been saying to myself lately, that if things happen to go in the wrong direction with Mark, and I just don't feel like pressing on at Great Atlantic any more, I am just going to throw my hands up, and go home to Panama City. The same wonderful nothing is always there to welcome you home. Ask anyone who has lived there, and tried to move away. Is this it? No wonder we all stopped going to church.
I am going to go pluck my eyebrows. I might be back later on to further exploit my brain's most precious private thoughts. 8:00pm
Here I sit, too much on my mind to ever put into words, even if I am indeed an A+ typist. OK I might not be an A+ typist. Right now, I am in such a foul state, that I don't feel like I am good at anything. I feel old, but immature. I don't know where I am going, how I am going to get there, and what I will do with myself once I get those two things in order. I am sure I will get fed up with my current lifestyle, and shed my skin, like I always do, and I will be mildly insane and my eyes will be cloudy. I might even bite the hand that feeds me. Welcome to Lexie.
I know I am not entirely an adult yet. I know I have a very long way to go before people as a whole 'respect me' and think that i am mature. mostly, i couldnt possibly care less. then there are days when i wish i was respected for the good person that i am. just because i am a little loud, or cuss a bit too much, or dress like a high school kid, doesnt make me dumb, or mean, or a jerk. Just because I don't wannt kids doesnt mean i want to COOK other people's kids. I am not the devil. I just like things my way. There is nothing wrong with that, and if there is, again, welcome to Lexie. I don't force people to hang around me, and I don't hang around people that I dont want to be around. It's really probably why I don't have very many friends. Bottom line is that I am just too selfish with my time. Not that it's coveted, or worth anything, but I always have been, and always will be, selfish with my time. I am a loving person, if you are someone that I want to be around. If you are not, it doesn't mean that I will be mean to you, or ignore you. It just means that you will not get 100% of me, which trust me, is not necessarily a bad thing. Ask anyone who has managed to be my friend for more than a year or so.
I just want attention, and to be understood, and for someone to let me make them happy. I don't know what is wrong with me, maybe I will turn into a regular gold digging slut ass woman who has an agenda of her own, and a few men to toy with. Maybe one day I will have kids, and will fall into the lifestyle that I loathe, and I will drive a mini van, and pick te kids up from soccer and ballet, and take the clothes to the cleaners, and shop with coupons. Maybe I will marry someone that doesn't really make me all the way happy, but at the time, it will just seem like 'the best thing for me.'
I know I make things harder on myself, but I don't want to do what I don't want to do. I have a full time job. I just paid my car off. Who cares. No one. I am sure my mom is proud. I don't know about my dad. I came here to whine. It's my webpage. I don't know why I feel so guilty for coming here and whining. I am a whiner, it's what we do. We whine. I have said this a million times, and I will say it again... you know where the door is, help yourself out if you don't like it. Fuck that. Fuck you. Sorry. I feel like completely exhausting myself with strenuous exercise of some sort, just so that I can feel like I have gotten all this out of my system. I am so frustrated. I want to scream and run and choke people. Of course, I will not do any of these things. I won't even really CONSIDER doing those things. It's immature really. I think that one of the reasons I feel guilty for even typing it here, is because it's public, and it really is an immature thing to do. I love my mom, and my dad, and my Meme, and my Pawpaw, and every single brother, sister, cousin, aunt, uncle and whatever other branch off the family tree I might have missed... I still can't picture myself expanding the family tree. My mom made a comment today to Mark about 'not knowing why I don't have any maternal instincts' and it sort of embarrassed me and hurt my feelings. She made me feel like I was defective, or wrong, or that I just didn't turn out right, in general. I really didn't like the taste it left in my mouth. I didn't let it get to me when she said it. I laughed like everyone else. Now, I am sitting here thinking about everything that I have wanted to bitch about in the last... however long it has been, and now I have thought about it, and it just makes me feel that much more like crap. I am sure she had no idea that I would be so sensitive about it. I am a tearless crybaby. So what.
Topic Change. I think I got my heartrate all up just from THINKING about the crap that I think about. I wish I had more control over myself. I have come a long way in the past few years, but I feel like my journey has only just begun. Amanda often stops me in the middle of a story to tell me that I am yelling, or to calm down. I know I am yelling. It's my throat. I am pretentious and loud and oversensitive. If I was quiet, tame, and understanding, I would NOT be Lexie.
Well, Mark and I are still all nice and sweet on each other. As long as I keep slipping roofies into his protein shakes, things should be alright. We have been dating for a while, and I stopped to think about it the other day, cause I am always thinking about it... and I realized that it's been roughly 10 months. I say roughly because neither of us can remember what day we met. Atleast we know what month.
4:30pm
I am not who I am to make other people happy. I am who I am because it makes ME happy. I like to smell good because I know how nice it is to stand next to someone who smells good. I like to be pretty and happy looking, because I think it's nice to stand next to someone who is pretty and happy looking. I habitaully tweeze my eyebrows into a thin line. I don't give two hairs what anyone thinks about a girl with thin eyebrows. I like them that way. They are on my face. I think that I am fat. I don't care if someone tells me I am not fat. I don't like how my stomach piles out over my pants, and strains a small piece of fabric from my shirt. I started exercising. I am sure I will have updates about it. I am a woman. I like to talk about weight and food and goals. I will always be the same.
Thursday, March 4th 5:27pm
I will regret saying that later, but for now, it felt alright. I don't want anyone's advice. I do not expect a magical creature to come to me in a dream and tell me the secrets to living a happy life. I already know the secrets, I just can't apply them to my life right now.
I feel like I am running naked on a treadmill in Alaska. For starters, I'm not going anywhere. Next, I'm naked, cold, and very very ashamed/embarrassed/disgusted. Also, I'm not getting anywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't have anything in my life right now. I have nothing. All material posessions aside, (which are few) I have abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING. I have a goal, or a 'dream' or whatever you'd like to label it as. It's just something I am going to use as a tool, to motivate my pathetically lazy ass. I never take initiative. I have to be told, in great detail, how to accomplish something. After I am told how, expect whining, bitching, and maybe even some crying. What's the point? There isn't anything that anyone can say to me, that I can't beat down with that statement. I am being really immature. Atleast I'm saying this to a web page, and not a therapist. The Rapist. haha.
I don't feel like sleeping, but I am really tired. My brain just goes and goes and goes. How can I change things? Where will I end up if I do? Can it really get any worse? Do I get a prize if I take it like a champ? Why can't I let all this out like other women, and just be a crazy irrational wicked bitch all the time. Oh yeah, that's right, because nobody likes a crazy bitch. I know I sure don't. I can't stand most women. I can't stand most men either. Why do people have kids when they aren't ready? What kind of world are we leading ourselves into, if we can't even keep control over the population growth. Why do we think its a good thing to deplete every resource we have. Oh wait, We are America. When we use all of our resources, we will just beat you up, take yours, and then sell it back to you, after we make you beg for it, and maybe even eat dog dookie off the end of a Bic pen.
My shoulders are so stiff. My makeup is smudged. m nails are broken, and the polish is chipped. I have not shaved my legs in three days. I have shitty posture, and a horrible disposition. Someone said to me once, that I had a piss-poor attitude. Is piss really poor? Why should I look at my piss poor attitude as a bad thing. I'm alright. Stop doing nice things for me, because it will only cause me to feel bad, when I start to chew you up. I don't want to have to feel bad, and I'm not going to change my mind about chewing on you a little. Just shut your eyes, it will be over with before you know it. Someone else will come along and scrape you off the ground. It won't matter to me, because I will be cruising the candy isle of life, looking for a new flavor.
Everybody's got to live their life, and God knows I've got to live mine. Would you like to marry me, and if you'd like you can buy the ring. I don't dream about anyone, except myself.
I am not a side order. I am the main dish, with a refreshing beverage and a sinfully tasty dessert. If you are not hungry for a full meal, then I suggest you hit the value menu of life.
I accidentally woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and stayed that way. I left Mark, and now I am with another man. I feel a bit weak, and pathetic.
I have somehow managed to wake up before noon, since mid June, of this year, despite the fact that I have no job to report to each morning.
I got a new haircut. It makes me look 15. I feel 15.
11-30-04 5:40am*
Bleeed Skrew: haha - i went and recovered all the nudes i had
Davey The Irish: She makes me feel like im such a peice of trash
Gcgirl27136: a/s/l ?
OnlineHost: Duvalcracker has left the room.
Davey The Irish: not worthy of at least a conversation with her
Bleeed Skrew: she deleted them before she snuck out
STIKMKI2: nudes of her?
STIKMKI2: post the fukers
STIKMKI2: =)
Bleeed Skrew: oh yeah
Gcgirl27136: 20/F/pics
Bleeed Skrew: and worse than nudes
OnlineHost: CAROLADEN has entered the room.
Davey The Irish: lol dood thats not right >.<
Opjcm: www.exgirlfriends.com
Bleeed Skrew: haha
Opjcm: lol
STIKMKI2: spam her naked body man
OnlineHost: CAROLADEN has left the room.
Bleeed Skrew: it feels good, though
Gcgirl27136: Anyone else have a webcam?
STIKMKI2: lol davey you know you want them too
OnlineHost: Dmcardshark has entered the room.
Bleeed Skrew: you want the head pics?
Davey The Irish: It is tempting, but what is the point of seeing something that is not mine to see :(
Gcgirl27136: Anyone else have a webcam?
Opjcm: let her know you posted them
Opjcm: lol
Opjcm: she will be thrilled
STIKMKI2: it's like going to the bank and looking at a million bux
Gcgirl27136: Anyone else have a webcam?
STIKMKI2: something to shoot for
OnlineHost: NOTORIOUS MQ has entered the room.
OnlineHost: Redbonemale69 has entered the room.
Bleeed Skrew: haha
OnlineHost: Dmcardshark has left the room.
Bleeed Skrew: naw, i am not sending them out
Bleeed Skrew: but, i do like having them
STIKMKI2: pussy
Kay2NCPunk: hmmm
Bleeed Skrew: just in case
Gcgirl27136: 20/Female, have pics
STIKMKI2: mark yer so whipped it's not even funny
Gcgirl27136: Anyone else have a webcam?
Bleeed Skrew: dude - half the interenet has seem most of them anyway
Bleeed Skrew: she is a pic whore
Davey The Irish: >.<
STIKMKI2: the girl 86ed you covert like while you were out of town and you have revenge material and won't use it
Kay2NCPunk: well thats nice
Bleeed Skrew: and she craves attention
OnlineHost: Bill393063 has entered the room.
OnlineHost: NOTORIOUS MQ has left the room.
Gcgirl27136: Anyone else have a webcam?
OnlineHost: Davejax10 has entered the room.
STIKMKI2: i've not seen but a couple
STIKMKI2: and they showed no skin
OnlineHost: OhMyGodItsGrace has entered the room.
OnlineHost: Billygroat8 has entered the room.
Bleeed Skrew: well - nobody has seen some of these
STIKMKI2: tho i do have every other regular girls nudes
Bleeed Skrew: they even turn me on
Bleeed Skrew: haha
Kay2NCPunk: ok...im going back to my own room. yall have a good day
Gcgirl27136: 20/F/pics
STIKMKI2: bye kay
STIKMKI2: you take it light
OhMyGodItsGrace: hey room
STIKMKI2: good luck in the navy
Billygroat8: hello
Kay2NCPunk: ty
Billygroat8: 19-m
Billygroat8: Pics on profile
Gcgirl27136: Anyone else have a webcam?
Billygroat8: im me to chat
STIKMKI2: they can't be that good man
Kay2NCPunk: wow...he's cute
STIKMKI2: it's just pix of lex
Gcgirl27136: 20/Female, have pics
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Bleeed Skrew: well, lex and i
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Bleeed Skrew: since i am in them, they are good
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Billygroat8: I'm cute also
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Billygroat8: maybe
STIKMKI2: i don't want to see any of you just her solo =)
Kay2NCPunk: yeah...i was talkin about you
Davejax10: hello grace
Gcgirl27136: Anyone else have a webcam?
OhMyGodItsGrace: hey dave
Davey The Irish: Hullo :D
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STIKMKI2: lol davey
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Gcgirl27136: 20/Female, have pics