Seriously. (This is rare, I am never serious.) This page is just here to give you a feel (not that kind of feel) of what kind of person I am. If you have ever talked to me before, you know that I am not like most people. If you haven't talked to me before, consider it your loss.
First of all, I
love more than anything, to make people
laugh. Laughing is the best way to
express your feelings about something
that makes you feel good. It's also
clinically proven to burn quite a few
calories. One more reason to
laugh-it-up. I don't think that a
day, not even the worst day has
ever stopped me from laughing. As much
as I love to laugh, there is still a
greater joy. Making other
people
laugh is the single most thrilling part
of my day. I will go to
great lengths to make others
laugh. It is so fun. I have a bad
habit of always trying to be the center
of attention, but as long as I am doing
a good job at it, who cares!
I admit, that sometimes I am a little
sarcastic, but that is just the way I
am, and everyone has thier day. If ya
can't deal with it, go away!!
That was a small example of my
sarcasm...hehehe.
Another thing that I love to do is help
people. I am always considered one of
the least likely to help. Maybe it's
because of the way I look? Society fits
me into the same category as...wierdos,
punks, and freaks? I don't know what the
big deal is. The same people who judge
me are the people who were in their
prime of the
"Can't-Judge-A-Book-By-It's-Cover"
phase, so I don't really know why I get
hassled so much. Maybe it's becuase of
how I dress (I think I dress quite
nicely most of the time.) and how I look
in general. Whatever the reason, I am
not satisfied with the image that people
perceive from me. So I do my part in
the help department whenever I can. I
won't jump into a burning bulding to
save Suzie's goldfish, but I will try my
best help in any way that I know how.
(Probably by making her laugh, thus
forgettng about that measley
carnival-prize goldfish.)
I am also one that is easily amused. If
left somewhere for a given amount of
time with nothing to do, you can bet
your last dollar that I will be 100%
entertained when you next see me.
I have a simply-complex mind. I think
so hard sometimes that I laugh, because
what I was thinking about was so stupid
and pointless. I also think so hard
sometimes that it hurts, and I have to
take 400 milligrams of good old Advil.
Anyways, if you can't tell by this
little page that I enjoy laughing to the
fullest, I will be forced to call you
names and stick my tongue out at you :op. Even a really slow person like me could
understand this page.
Another subject that I like to touch on
(no pun intended) is love. Not the kind
of love that your parents have for you,
that compells them to tell you that
everything will be ok, even when you
know it's not going to be ok. It's also
not the same love that makes them tell
you that they think that you
are pretty (or handsome, for all the
guys). I am speaking of the kind of
love that runs so deep between two
people that even in the worst of
situations, a smile can be managed.
Not too many people find this anymore,
because people have lost the talent of
expression. If you can't tell someone
how you feel, or show them, for that
matter, then how on Earth will
they ever know? Because I write these
columns on a day to day basis, each one
reflects how I felt that day. As you are
about to witness, today was not a good
day. What is the reason for granting
someone a wish or favor? Usually to
make them happy is the reason.
Sometimes, before thinking about the
whole situation, you make a decision
based solely on your desire to make that
person happy. Reality sets in, or you
just change your mind, and you have to
crush them by taking back what potential
joy you might have created. My whole
life is full of hopes and dreams like
the rest of us. People who don't have dreams
don't have anything. I don't, however, get
my hopes up. There is nothing worse
than being too optimistic, and being
crushed by something that you knew
wouldn't ever work out anyways. I am
normally a pretty negative person.
Recently, I had a streak of optimism,
and decided to go through with my
strange urge. I was granted my wish. I
could not believe my little elf-ears
when I heard the secretly desired
answer. I strutted around for hours,
because, after all, I now had something
to strut about. Later that same day,
I confronted the genie who granted me
the wish, and thanked them, and talked
of the wish itself. Soon into the
conversation, regret set into the genie, and
they un-granted my wish.
With the needle called reality, the
genie popped my fantasy bubble. It was
the most horrible thing that has
happened in so long. To be so close to
getting that wish, but being told that
you were now so far away...was awful. I
can not imagine feeling any worse about
this situation than I do now. If I
would have been turned down for the wish
in the first place, as expected, it
would not have been so bad. In this
case, I thought I had won. I thought
that for once, things were maybe gonna
swing in my direction. See what I get
for being optimistic?
Wow, you can tell when someone has
a good or a bad day just by reading
their e-mail, or web page. Well, you
might not be able to tell so far. I
just woke up, so I haven't realy HAD a
day yet :o) Good news on the homestead, I made a
ton of LOCAL friends... not that my
LongDistance friends don't matter to me
( you ALL mattter to me ) but I really
needed some local people to actually
communicate with sometimes. Yay, I have
found some. They whirl-napped me from
my job, and made me go out with them.
(Of course they were twisting my arm :)
he he he) I haven't had that much
voluntary fun in a long time, and now I
have something to do EVERY Friday..:)
It feels so good to have a drop of
social life once again.
Everyday that grows nearer, is one day
closer to me getting my new car. I am
going to write in yellow ( to symbolize
the extreme excitement ) when I do get it. I
am so excited. I can just THINK about it,
and get myself into a frenzy. This is the
first big thing I have ever done for myself,
and no one is going to get in my way of doing
it.
A little wisdom from the
whirl...(because a little wisdom is all
she has.. hehe)
Things don't always turn out as they are
planned, sometimes, they turn out even
better.
Too bad that I was so optimistic in those
last few postings. I really wish that I
could be more down to earth when I get
excited. It's almost like that old
Tootsie-Roll commercial. "Whatever it is I
think I see, Becomes a Tootsie-Roll to me."
HAHAH That's almost the way I think. When I
am excited about something‹ all I can do is
dream about it. Oh well. I am sure that you
can tell by my tone of writing ( I was gonna
say tone of voice, but, uh, ya can't hear me
so that doesn't sound right. )
I didn't get the Cougar, and it is well into
the middle of March, and I really don't see
myself gettig it an time soon. Oh well. I
think tat just becĺuse I don't have a status
symbol like that doesn't mean that I won't go
on living. I have a car, and it runs...well,
it drives.
I know I know, I have been away for a while.
I hated it too. It's OK though. I am going
to be able to get on my computer at home more
often now. I have the time but not the right
kind of time. I'd rather spend it on people
who are close to me in the 'real-world' LOL.
All the medicine that the doctor made me
take made me forget about you guys...LMAO.
Just kidding. I flushed the pills down the
toilet and told them that I was better.
LOL.. Now there is going to be internet
rumors that I had to take medication. Well,
I love to give the gossipers something to do.
It keeps them from telling me crap I really
don't want to know. God , I love the way I
think... I wonder if anyone besides Harold
thinks the way I do.
I think that I better go change my e-mail
address on my main page, because the one that
is there now is a little bit of false
advertisement.
Check back later and I might have another
suprise written here for you to make fun of.
I hate when all the Spring Breakers
invade my town. They are all so stinkin'
cute. They all have boobs, and small waists, nice skin, and firm butts. Too bad they are
dumb as rocks. If I were a guy, sure, that
might CATCH my eye.. but hell... I don'think
that I could make myself ever date anyone
that had the IQ of my 89 year old grandpa
with Alzheimer's. Who? What? When? Where?
"Ummmmmm..."
Most of them are pretty stupid. If they are
actually smart.. #1. What in the hell are
they doing here? #2. Why are they only
burnt on the front? (My favorite thing to
make fun of, muah hua hua huaaa) #3. Why do they drink liquor through a straw, and then cry when they wake
up next to someone they DON'T know?
I wish that there was someone out there who
had an answer to every single thing that I
ever wanted to know about what makes all
these kids want to come here. This town is a tourist trap. The landscaping is AWFUL, like anyone that comes here for Spring Break looks at the landscaping.
This town was voted easiest to start your own business in. The nastiest, dumpiest,
shittiest 'hand-painted-sign and sheets for
curtains' places can gets started here. I
hate that more than the half-burnt freaks who are all over the beach.
My new job isn't as fun as it used to be.
Another thing that really blows about Panama
City is employment. In the summer, there are a million and one places to work. I found a
fun job at a restaurant. I have been having
alot of fun... up until lately. I go in at
5:30 am on Saturday, and start doing what I
do all day... noon rolls around.. and my boss asks me to please atleast stay through the
lunch rush. I told her that I was tired, but that I would do it. At 5 that night, I was
being asked to stay through the dinner rush.
I reminded her that I had to be in bed by
8pm, so that i could be up at 4 the next
morning. At 9:30, I walked out. I had to
get some sleep. What I do there has NOTHING
to do with needing me to stay past MAYBE 3 or 4pm. All I do is make stuff that they will
need all day... garnishes, dressings,
breads, desserts... stuff like that. Why in
the hell (especially after I KNOW that I have made more than plenty) do they need to keep
me past 5pm? Oh yeah! I remembr why! I am
one of the ONLY sober folks there that can
think fast. I just don't like to be
prep/gopher for more than 14 hours. It
blows. If they keep it up, they will be
looking for a new gopher. I can go dig in
another hole.
I will never understand why an establishment
KNOWS that they will be busy, KNOWS that they need a certain amount of trained staff, and
then hires a full staff of newbies in the
middle of a rush.
I guess I can't know the answer to
everything.
Sunday April 18th 1999
Well, I am one step away from having the "equivalancy to a high school diploma" Guess who doesn't feel any smarter? It's me. I don't understand why that little piece of paper is so important to the world. How can you judge someone by that paper?
One thing (person, rather) that has helped me is that I am not alone. I met someone that was in the same spot that I was in education-wise, and we are going into this together. It is nice to have someone to push you, and help you. Support from someone that you trust and know is the greatest thing. One thing I hate more than cruelty is someone that looks down on you becuase of an underacheivement or an unacomplished feat. I am no better or worse of a person than the 47 year old woman in my GED prep class who is there for the same reason that I am there. She knows as well as I know that you can't do anything worthwhile with your life without that little insignificant piece of paper. She reads, she studies, she takes the test. As do I. I am no better. I am no worse.
I am supported. I feel so strong. I am sure that the one who supports me is completely unaware of how much affect he has over my state of mind. He looks out for me, like I look out for myself, only he has that extra little something that you just can't give yourself. I wonder if I have the same power over his well-being. I wonder if my presence and support means as much to him as his means to me.
I know that earlier I mentioned that you have to tell people what is on your mind, because humans can't read minds, (unless you count Kenny Kingston and Dion Warwick as human...hahaha.) but... I can't tell this person how I feel about them. I think it. I feel it. I know it. I live it. Why can't I say it? What is holding me back? I don't know. I am so close, yet so far away from what I want to say. I will never understand why I can give nice advice, but I can't hear myself screaming the same exact words...
*long pathetic sigh*
Simple things amuse me. Simple things...
Sad news on the homefront...
The hotel that I loathed working for is askng me to come back. The GM is my mom's best friend, and needs me to do the night audit again. The GM's husband was just diagnosed with a nasty case of Melanoma. He has tumors in his chest, stomach and lower abdomen. He is dying. I hate obligation. It's just another awful thing that comes along with being human. I hated that place. I had the sweetest dreams of bombing and torching that hideous pink hotel. I agreed to go back. I guess I am a sucker in some ways, and compassionate in others.
I can never imagine what it is like to lose the person that you thought you were going to grow old with. What is sad is that he wasn't even fifty-five. They are young compared to most older couples. They just celebrated an anniversary. I am not sure how many years, I believe it was 27. Twenty-seven years with the same person...only to find out that it might be your last...
To drive, and get lost... is scary. You are in such an unfamiliar place, usually at a bad time, and aren't sure how you got there or how you are going to get back. Can you imagine everything you knew for that long just suddenly coming to an end? "Lost" takes on a whole new meaning. Regaining your sense of direction may seem to you as difficult of a task as a man in a wheelchair telling himself that he is going to climb that mountain. Councellors and mentors, family and friends... advice they give... "carry on", "move-on", "start over". Can you imagine starting over after something like that?; You know that in the back of your head, there will always be the fear of the same thing happening to you again, scared to start over, scared to move on. I hope she sees in her children and grandchildren the strength to press on. We carry on through our children.
I hope I am never that lost.
A little word of wisdom... Never fry bacon naked
I am about to leave, on my way to work. Even though I have been up all day. I knew at the beginning of the day that I wasn't gong to get any extra sleep today, because I was with Eric. No matter how hard I try, he insists that I will be ok, and that I can get a nap later in the day... or that I can just go home a few hours before I have to be at work, so that I can get a nap. It never fails... I can't leave him. I KNOW I have to be at work, and that I really need sleep; but I just can't do it. I can leave his house for 2 hours to go home and get a shower or some clean clothes... and miss him as if he were a soldier, just released from a ten year hostage situation. I can't understand why... but I am complaining in no way whatsoever. I wish that I could tell him all that I wanted to. I got as far as to tell him the other day that I needed him. That is a big enough step as it is. After we layed there for a while, he got a call from his best friend. his best friend broke some awful news. His girlfriend told him those three little devistating words. yes, those three, you know which three I am talking about. To them, it seemed like a major crises, and the world as they knew it was coming to an abrupt halt. How now was I supposed to tell him how I felt? I felt so stupid. I am so glad that his friend called before I spilled my tender guts. It's like a guy wanting to ask a girl to marry him, and finding out that some other guy that just popped into the picture beat him to it. What am I supposed to do now?
I guess I can wait until the next full moon, that way I can atleast have something to blame my "strange behavior" on ... heheh.
Anyhow, I don't want to be late to work.
April 29, 1999 8:03pm
Here I am again. I am finding myself here more often than usual. I am beginning to use this as a small form of stress relief, I think.
It doesn't matter. To some certain extreme I can do whatever I want.
Ray died Tuesday night. I am sad for Jean. Rumor has it that she is no longer going to work for the Quality Inn. She is moving back to be with her family. On a happier note, one of the head reservationists just found out that she was pregnant. Imagine that.
Bye for today
April 30, 1999 9:03pm
Well, lookie who is here, again. I am beginning to get frustrated with myself. I get sleepy at night. I want to go to sleep. All I can seem to do is stare at him. Whether he is asleep, or awake, all I can do is look at him. He now means so much to me, that it keeps me up at night. I want to tell him so many things; but I can't. I don't know what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. I think that the best thing to do is naturally the hardest most 'not-like-me' thing to do... hold it back. I profess and filibuster all day about how you sould never hold anything back, but I just can't do this. I am a big fat wiener; the kind with the cheese in the middle at that.
Ok, I admit, the last column I wrote
was a little harsh, but then again, that
was what kind of mood I was in, and if
you don't like it, don't read it. All
in all, I am in a most unbeatably good
mood today. I am getting a new car in
March, and there isn't much that can
stop me. I am also going to be 20 on
March 12th. Wish me happy birthday,
will ya. By the way, I am making a
birthday page soon, and I want to know
your birthday, so either send me an
e-mail, or tell me in the chat rooms...I
will write it down and put it on a
page... until I gain the knowledge of
cookie use... hehe.
Well, I am in way too good of a mood to
stay in one place for too long...so God
Bless, and take care.
Having two jobs is like trying to
chainsaw yourself down the middle and
promise both places that you will be
there at the same exact time. How on
Earth did I get myself into this?
As promised, I am back.
I am not in the most delightful mood. I just
got back from trying on bathing suits. As if
looking at myself under that very
unflattering Wal-Mart light wasn't bad
enough, (Yes, I got my bathing suit from
Wal-Mart all you Eddie Bauer 'I payed way too
much for this' people out there.) there were
two really pretty naturally fit
'I-can-eat-Chic-Fil-A-for-breakfast-lunch-and
-dinner-and-never-gain-an-ounce' kind of
girls that were in the two stalls next to me.
I wanted to cry. They kept coming out
saying.. "Oh, I just look awful!" "This
one makes my boobs look too big." Oh
what I would give to be able to say that. Oh
well, I guess I could look worse. I don't
want to imagine what that would be like.
I went to a Passport Program at my local college today... to start a pogram that helps you get your GED with flying colors... It was weird. I am now a college student... I have an ID card, benefits, access... but I am taking no college courses... It's like a bad dream! I should have my GED in no more than 6 weeks... (that's how long the program takes) On one of the papers we had to fill out, there is a blank that asks you the reason you want to get your GED. The only thing that I could think of to put in that line was "I know that I am smart, but the rest of the world needs it in writing." I feel better now that I have begun this program. I hope that it will be sufficient enough to meet my mom's expectations of me.
April 27, 1999 10:22pm
I am extremely excited about going to Mobile on Tuesday. It will be something that I know I will never forget. My first concert, shared with someone special to me. I hope he has as much fun as I think I am going to have.
I recently got an e-mail from a long lost friend. I was so shocked. I thought that the last time he and I talked that I had made him upset. Maybe it took him that long to cool off. Either way, he found me again I am happy about that. He was my first friend on the web. He told me today that he used to wait for me to log on every night. I never knew that. It makes me feel like someone actually cared about talking to me, or listening to me. You usually don't expect someone that you have never met to be so... (forgive me Joe, if I overstep myself)
dedicated. It is a little on the odd side, but it is in no way a bad thing.
I am being attacked by a giant rare SnuggleMonster, and I must retreat under the covers before it gets the wrong idea about my lucid behavior.
More whirly advice...
Trust in someone until they give you one good reason not to.
May 13, 1999 10:05am Well, I think when I am retired, I will publish this, and become a millionaire. Anyone who helps me will get a cut. Hehehe. I have lately been craving an odd thing. I seriously want to start my own business. I want to make original t-shirts. I will never make more than five of the same t-shirt, for the sake of a print being available in different colors and sizes. I know I hate it when I can't find what I want. I can make a small catalogue for people who are willing to pay a little more to have a certain color or size. I am about to enroll in college, and I think that the first few electives I will take will be some business management courses. I still am confident enough (and stubborn enough) that I am fully capable of running my own business with NO education in the subject. I am sure that after all the people I have worked for that know NOTHING about their business, I have learned more than I needed about the 'RIGHT' way to run a business. I mean, if you own a shipyard, why in the hell did you buy a restaurant? Do any of you out there think that a shipyard and a restaurant have ANYTHING in common? If you used to be a football coach, why do you want to buy a HARDEES franchise? If you are a lousy vet, why do you want your own business? Aren't you worried that you will have a lousy business? If you are a dingbat, and have little knowledge of travel, and hotel ettiquette, why on Earth do you want to own a hotel? I love clothes. I know shopping. ( I am a woman, for God's sake. ) I know fits. I know what girls want to see on the racks. I know thw FrUsTrAtIoNs of not finding what you want. I know overhead. I know economics. I know supply and demand. I know that there are more bad employees in Panama City than good ones. I know that I will work 18 hours a day if I have to, to keep my business clean and professional. I seem to know alot, I think. I am also more willing to listen to advice, complements, tips, criticisms. (I am not promising that some won't make me cry, but I will still openly accept them.) Why can't I just open my own little tiny happy shop in a good high traffic location? A small bit of advice...If you know someone doesn't like it when you do something, don't do it again...atleast not around them. 2:05pm I think that I might need to attend a freelance-writer's anonymous class or something...I seem to frequent this place.
Have you ever just woke up one day, and under a few determining circumstances, felt totally inadequate?
I know that I am not a supermodel (I am glad that I am not 6'7 with skin wrapped over my bones and size 12 in men's shoes) I know that my hair isn't perfect, nor is my skin. I know that I am a little overweight, but then again, so is more than 45% of America. I know that my boobs are small. I know that my butt is so big that it could be a stunt double for Godzilla. I also know that from the way I see it, I make my boyfriend happy in any way I can. I do my best to keep his tummy happy, and a smile on his face. I still get pset when he Oohs or Ahhs at another girl's body. Be it picture, or reality, it makes me want to cry. I know that guys will always do that sort of thing. Beauty just catches the eye. (And the pants)
I still just feel so ugly compared to the people he Oohs and Ahhs at. I wish he knew that none of them would ever treat him like I did. They probably can't even cook for themselves. I bet they don't know how to get whites white, and keep darks dark. They are probably arrogant, bitchy, and heartless. (You can tell that at this point I am in a severe deluded state of self-reassurance.)
He isn't Mr. Perfect. He is um, big boned. He is intelligent, funny, perceptive, and thoughtful. He has gorgeous eyes, soft hair, nice lips, and he hugs like your favorite old stuffed animal. He has me.
I don't know what his other girlfriends were like, and I think I want to keep it that way. I don't compare boyfriends, and I hope that he doesn't compare girlfriends. I don't like to compare people, period. We aren't cars. We aren't livestock. We are people. We are each our own person. You can't even compare identical twins. Just because they might look the same, doesn't mean that they have the same chemical makeup in their heads.
A while ago, when we first met, we were in a store in the mall. Miss Titfest with a tiny waist and a KenDoll boyfriend walked in. I know eyes wander, and mouths salivate. I know I felt like a farm girl wearing a potato sack, with no boobs, and a misproportioned head. No makeover in the world could have made me feel better. Nothing. Good for her that she has a gorgeous body. What about her perception of life? Does it revolve around the nail salon, and the gym, and the tanning bed? Does she love the man she is standing next to? Or is he just as big of a status symbol to her as she is to him? I feel the need to leave, before one of my good friends has me committed for these odd stress-releiving writings.
Those white jackets aren't flattering at all, and I don't have any shoes to match.
May 16, 1999 8:09pm
Well, I had a fun day yesterday. I went to an arcade, and to an amusement park...and then I went home, and went to sleep. I woke up with a belly ache at about 1am, to find that my kidney infection was kicking in full effect, kind of like Vanilla Ice...lol
I want to start my own business so badly I can almost taste it. I want to make things for people, and charge them a decent price. I don't want to hire alot of slack-asses, and watch my business that I worked so hard to make crumble to the ground. I want to work hard for what I have, and respect it.
I guess there aren't many people left like me.
May 31, 1999 6:15pm
I was about to write some realy good stuff here, but I changed my mind.
June 12th, 1999 2:47pm
Well well, look who's back. It's me. Yeah, so I took a little 'vacation' from my writings. I am sure that you cried yourself to sleep. Admit it. You slept with Crusty, that old nasty stuffed animal of yours. I know you did. It's ok. We all have problems.
Hmm Hmm Hmm, I feel like I am doing this for the first time. I am so unsure as to where to start. Let me just tear into it, as usual.
I met an awesome person on AOL recently, (you know who you are) and I haven't had so much fun talking to someone since... since I was in school. Don't get me wrong, i enjoy ANY type of conversation, but this type of conversation is incredible. Anything I say, anything he says... it always seems to make sense, whether I am with him on the arguement, or against him, it always makes perfect sense. Maybe it's because we are both Pisces? Maybe it's because we just have some stuff in common about the way we think? Maybe we should both work for the Live Psycho Hotline? Maybe Y2K is just a government joke? Would you be surprised?
Oh, I quit Runaway Island, the restaurant job I had. I am doing what I love to do at the hotel again. Yippee, and I get payed more too! Maybe I will be in the seat of a car that doesn't smell like a mechanic's shop sooner than I thought. Maybe I will rent a Cougar, and drive to Jax. to visit, and lie to everyone, telling them that it's mine...lol. C'mon, I wouldn't try that hard to impress anyone. After all, I am who I am, aren't I?
One reason I have vacationed from my page recently is because I think I haven't been so sure as to exactly who I am. I don't know where I want to go with my life. I don't even know what I am going to do with the rest of the day. I could go to the college, and take a few tests, I could go to the post office and drop off some stuff, I could be cleaning or cooking right about now. I could be doing alot of things... but I'm not, and I really don't care. What is so pressing? I just quit a job. Shouldn't I be a little lazy for one day? It's not like I have to run out to find another job :) I already have another job. I am not unmotivated or lazy, I just feel trapped right now.
Most people work to pay for rent, cars, foods, small luxuries... stuff like that. I work because I did some stupid stuff in the past, and will be paying for it for atleast another good year. I have a shitty car, I have lots of bills that restrain me from being independent, and I have nothing to show for all the money I make each week. That can make any solid person start to feel like an ass after a while. (_|_) There I am. A big ass. Oh well, I am a cute ass :)
My hair is driving me nuts. It's been doing whatever it wants lately, which is looking like it did while I was stilll laying in bed. No matter how much mousse, spray, gel or pomade I use, it spazzes out,and sticks up, and side to side, and every other direction but the right direction. It's making me feel stupid, because to me, it looks stupid.
OK SO I HAVE PMS... What are you gonna do about it?
Have you ever told someone that you would do something, and you kinda didn't want to, but you wanna make yourself look good, and then you sorta forget that you told them that you'd do that thing for them? I did, and now, I feel bad. it's not too late to do that thing that I said I'd do, but it has been a few more days than promised... *sigh*
Eric is still asleep. His mom is probably asleep in her cave, and I don't want to be a sucker and fall asleep too. I want to get up and do something. What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
I think I ask more questions than a five-year-old. Guess what else? Like a five-year-old, I really don't give a macaroni necklace how many questions I ask :) I miss the simple simple life that I once lived... (ok, so I am listening ot dave Matthews) But I do miss the simple life, eating a bowl of cereal in the morning, and knowing that the worst part of my day would be that my little brother alrady got the prize out of the box.
Once, when I was little, I was crawling up the steps to our front door, and I got a sticker in the palm of my hand. My dad told me that he had a surprise in the freezer, and that if I was a strong little girl, he'd give me the surprise. Well, I was a wussy. I couldn't pull that damn thorn outta my hand. I whined and cried, and my dad held me down, and pulled it out for me. Know what? He gave me the surpirse anyways.
In the real grown up world, if you don't pull the thorn out of your hand yourself, no one will, and there is no damn surprise if you do. I think I will crack one day, and pretend to be mentallly ill, ( like I need to pretend ) and I will act as if I am stuck in time, at about age seven, where I know right from wrong, but I can still make mistakes that have little or no consequences. It's almost like when you are young, if you go to a restaurant, and order a hot plate dish, the waiter brings the dish, and states that IT'S HOT... you don't touch it... when are an adult, and you go to that restaurant, and you order that dish, when the waiter tells you that it's hot, what's the first thing most people do? Touch the damn plate. Duh. It's hot. You were even told that it was hot, why did you touch it?
I hate to leave it at this, but if anyone who knows me personnaly reads this, they might just have me committed. I won't have timem to pretend that I am seven, and then I will get sent to a real nuthouse, not one where I get to color all day, and be studied through one-way glass. Catch you later, whoever you are. (maybe if you would sign my dang guest book, I'd know who you were)
June 12th (again) 1999 7:36pm
I just found out that... I have a killer headache. It's the kind that feels like someone is squishing your temples. Oww. It's dull and throbbing.
Something sickening happened at a local school here recently. No, not a shooting, I know America is becoming more familiar with that headline, but that's not what happened. A teacher (teacher meaning one who teaches) instructed her students to bring some quiet materials to keep them occupied after they took their FCAT test. A student brought one of his brother's Out Of Print National Geographic magazines to school with him. After he was through with the test, he took the magazine out, and started to read it. He loved evolution, and bones. The issue he was reading had some stuff in it about both subjects. He was looking at pictures of some old bones, when his teacher noticed something that she apparently didn't like. On the other side of the page from the magazine that he was reading, was a drawing of someone's theory on human evolution. Anatomically correct, yes, part of history and life, yes. She took the magazine from him, and quickly labeled it 'pornography' publicly scolding him in front of his classmates. She then ripped out the pages that she didn't see fit as classroom material and threw the entire magazine in the garbage. A collector's series hologram National Geographic, torn up, and trashed like it was a real threat to anything but the teacher's own insecurities. What a stupid bitch. I would have slapped her in the chops. What in the hell was her problem? Atleast he was reading. If any of you out there have ever read a National Geographic, you know it's not exactly written on a 4th grade reading level. I think that the teacher should have been proud of the fact that one of her students was self-indulging himself in a magazine like that. If I were a teacher, I'd let him read until his heart was content. It's those disgusting beauty magazines that are destructive and harmful. I would never classify them as 'pornography' but they are certainly not very educational. I have read NG magazines. I have also read my share of Teen, YM and Cosmopolitan magazines too. I'd much rather read about my history, my body, other cultures, new discoveries, and worthy people than what new $25 bottle of nail polish is about to hit shelves at a fine Saks store near me. Oh, and, gee, what great boyfriend advice they give. PUH LEEZ. The last thing I want to read is an interview with Britney Spears, ya know?
The system in general is so disfunctional. Some shitty teachers make me want to be a teacher, just because I know that I could be a better teacher than they could ever be. Teachers should be very high payed, very proud, and I think they should be respected as if they were the Pope. They basically have our future in their hands if you stop and think about it. They should be screened for mental problems, and background checks. I know it's not like they should get weekly bodily cavity searches or anything, but I think that the rules and regulations that they have to follow should be more strict.
Individuality is always encouraged where I come from. Why would anyone want to take your individuality away from you? I worked hard to become the person that I am. Like me or not, I am here to stay. Yeah, i burned my share of bridges, and have hurt my fair share of people, but damn, I am still me, and nothing will ever change that.
I was in the mall yesterday, and I was in line for a cup of frozen Devil. Most everyone knows what I am talking about. A frosty refreshing cup of Iced Mocha. The sad part of this story is, I live in a yuppie-infested town. The coffee shops are infested too. They are all flaky and 'cut-and-paste'. One looks like the other, looks like the other, looks like the other. In our mall, there is a Coffee Beanery in the food court. Around the corner, centrally located in the same mall, is a smaller coffe store, Viola, behold, a Coffee Beanery...???? HELLO? I waited in line at the smaller one, hoping that the three PTA model citizen moms wouldn't take long. Yeah, I was wishful thinking. I know it's nice to chat while you work, but to filibuster about your children to each other like hens in a pen is another thing. I pulled up a chair. I sat and sat. The girl behind the counter never even noticed me standing.. err.. sitting there. She just chat-chat-chatted with the Mom-fest. I drug my sick/tired boyfriend all the way to the other side of the mall, to the actual large store, only to be at the tail of the line at YuppiePalooza '99. I decided that I wanted to say hi to a friend at a near by store. I walked a few feet over, and on my way, I was bitching about the 'festival' at the coffee shop, and two FutureYuppies heard me. I said something along the lines of..."I don't feel like waiting behind a bunch of yuppies for one cup of frosty goodness." , and they ran to the shop to tell their friends what I had said. I noticed that my friend wasn't at the counter at her store, so I walked back to the entrance of the shop. I heard Yuppie #1 say to Yuppie #2 "...and then she said she didn't feel like waiting behind a bunch of yuppies for a mocha..." Yuppie #3 attempted to confirm with Yuppies 1 and 2 "She actually said Yuppie ?" I butted in, and flicked my claws out, and said "Yeah, I said YUPPIES." I love the sound of male testosterone draining down the gutter of their giant EgoSewer :) It sounds like doves after the rain :)
I hope that they are scarred for life, and never set foot in another Abercrombie store again as long as they live. Why spend that much on a shirt anyways?
I hate all these Prom Queens and football stars. Do you know who will care about who won the homecoming crown twenty years from now? Freakin nobody. Kids in high school are so clueless.
When you are in kindergarten, you are oblivious to the fact that one day, the same kid that you are playing house with now, will make fun of you in middle school. You don't care that your friend has Wal-Mart shoes on. You don't care if your friend has frizzy hair and glasses. Buck teeth, freckles, bow legs, dark skin, or glasses, your friends are your friends.
When you are in first grade, you gain a sense of biggness. You think to yourself...I am no longer a baby. I can tie my own shoes. I can sort of color in the lines. I can do more things for myself. You go to the playground. You get your lunch money taken from a 5th grader. Feeling low, you start to hate pesky little kindergarteners. You are SO above them.
5th grade. You are at the top of the world. Nervous, because next year is a whole new world... but full of pride, becuase you are at the top of the ranks in elementary at this moment.
6th grade. You are officially scum. You will bow to the 8th graders. You better save your lunch money for those new Nikes so that you don't get picked on. you better beg mom for that jacket that the popular kids have.
8th grade. You make trends. If you come to bed with bed0head, all the sixth graders think it must be cool to have bed-head. Again, you are apprehensive about what is to come, but you are the cream of the crop.
9th grade. You remember the cycle. Grovel at the persence of the popular kids, oh, and you better get out of Ken and Barbie's way when they come down the hall, or they will have you for dinner. Looking at yourself in the mirror, then looking at the older kids in the locker room, wishful thinking that one day, that might be you. You curse your parents for your acne, bad hair, and crooked teeth. You read senseless magazines and do really stupid things expecting results. You spend the next few years of your life being all you can be, impressing whomever you can, and stressing yourself out over an idealism.
I am not gonna skip on to Seniorhood, because there is so much to be said here that I know I won't even touch down on. We are all so different. Why does the media project those few perfect images to us on every channel? Why are we expected by that society to wear clothes and drive cars that we know we can't afford?
Some of the kids that I went to school with were some of the most ungrateful people I have ever met in my life. I sat next to a girl... she was turning 16. Ahh the legal driving age. Of course, she was cute, and she supported Tommy, Calvin, and Donna. She found out that her parents were going to buy her a car. She was going to get a Jeep Cherokee. Must be nice. A few days later, she was in class, looking very pitiful. I asked her (just being nosey, of course)and she sniveled something about it being the wrong color. I asked her "What's the wrong color?" She was talking about the damn Jeep. She didn't want to drive it becuase it was red. It was RED. Do you know what I would have given for my parents to have bought me ANYTHING? It could have been PRIMER GREY, and I would have been grateful. It was red The end of the freakin world, her car was red, now white. Call the president, her car isn't the right color. There were others as stupid and ignorant as she was. One girl, who was a smart as my shoe, (OK, OK, so my shoe has one up on her) got a new Eclipse. Three or four days later, it was totalled in a junk yard somewhere. The next day, she revved her new Eclipse in the parking lot... "Look, this one even has a CD player!" I had to INSTALL a CD player in my car, and it wasn't even in my damn car for 24 hours, and someone stole the useless faceplate out of my bookbag.
My POS (do you really want to know what that stands for) over heats at every red light. It smells like exhaust in the cabin, leaks oil and transmission fluid, goes 0-60 in five minutes, has a really bad tie-rod on the front-left side, the trunk and back window leak every time it rains, I can't have the air on when I am stopped because it vibrates like its on the San Andreas fault, there is gum in the carpet, a broken blinker in the front from some retard drivng backwards in the Wal-mart parkng lot, I have to PRY the gas tank cover open, my muffler is deformed, and there is no paint left on the top of my car. I could go on with much more than that, but I want to go to bed tonight. I'd give all I had to own something nice. If I had the means, I would trade my entire car for a pen, a pen that I would use to sign the title of a new car. Oh well.
I have succesfully put myself in a bad mood, and only a few things can bring me out of it at this point, and this stupid country music that is playing ISN'T one fo them.
Let me finish my time line that I started up there.
You graduate. You grow up. You move away. You decide to go to your reunion. You see the stupid prom queen, who has in the past ten years, attended FSU, gotten married to the old Quarterback (yeah, you remember him too) and they had two kids. Oh, but when they divirced, she took everything, including the kids. Oh yeah, she is fat now too. :) (hey, it's my dream) Her roots are showing, and her career as a secretary at an elementary school is just PEACHY.. HAHAHA... she always wanted to file papers and copy stuff all day. :) one more thing... no one cares or remembers that she was prom queen. No one cares that she drove a nice car and wore the coolest clothes. Especially not me. June 15th, 1999 1:39pm Have you ever realized that you may have made an irreversibly bad mistake? Something you did or didn't do, that you know will haunt you for the rest of your life? No matter how you try to comfort yourself, you know that it's really not going to be ok? Well, I put my own acrylic nails on. For all the guys who read this, it's fake nails. I did them myself. I have never experienced so much self inflicted pain and suffering in my life. I have stabbed, scratched, and maimed my face and eyelids, forgetting that I had them on. They aren't even long. Yeah, sure Eric gets his back scratched, but I stab myself in the eye at 3am, because it itched. I was writing a letter to someone earlier, and I started to ramble...I know what you are thinking... Lexie? Ramble? No way, she is so quiet. Well, Yeah, I rambled. I rambled about my hair, my skin, my life, my future... I just rambled like grandma on a day that reminded her of 'way-back-when'. I am getting tired of the way people have evolved to drive. When in driver's ed do they teach you to be aggressive and pushy? When in driver's ed do they teach you to always remain on the other person's bumper? Is it JUST the dirty bitches in this town, or are there these types of drivers in mass numbers elsewhere? I have never encountered a crowd so eager to go home. I guess in a bigger city everyone just yells rather than get out of their cars and pop your tires. I also guess that because it's inevitable that if you live in a bigger city, and you are trying to go home, you KNOW that you will encounter serious traffic. well, in Panama City, there is virtually no traffic ever. Don't argue with me tourist fags, I live here. There is rarely a traffic jam, and when there is one, it's ALWAYS in the SAME spot. The bridge. there is one bridge that leads you OFF the beach. Of course it leads you ON to the beach, but when it's jammed, I am always trying to get OFF of it :) There are two things to be angry at when the bridge is jammed. #1. It's usually hot outside. #2 It's almost 99.9% of the time caused by some impatient person that change lanes on the bridge, even though you aren't allowed. They wreck, they yell. They clog up the bridge for the rest of the entire ton, all because they wanted to catch up witha friend, or get to McDonalds before the last beanie baby was sold. Who gets punished? Everyone.
I was driving home the other day, and this lady in a brand spanking new Contour (still had the sticker on the window) was no more than five inches from my back bumper. I did what I always do, and take my foot off the gas ( hehehe ) until they just can't stand it anymore, and pass me. Well, she didn't pass me. She got closer. How do you get closer when you are already that close? I don't know, but she was so close, it looked like she was in MY backseat when I looked at her in the mirror. (she wasn't smiling either..lol) She eventually passed me, and cut me off, ( I knew what was coming. ) She then hit her brakes. She didn't tap them to scare me, she HIT them. She had every intention of making me wreck. Too bad I knew she was a dirty bitch, and that she was going to pull a DirtyBitch stunt like that. Before she ever even got all the way in front of me, I had planned an escape route. I was in the process of turning when she slammed on her brakes, and made a guy in a monster truck almost plow over her car. I wish he would have hit her. I watched that dirty bitch push and shove her way through traffic, and I thought to myself, what if we were all walking, would she really be that pushy? She looked about in her late thirties, and she didn't look at all like the type of person to shove or intimidate someone out of her way. I was about to have my chance to find out. When I had turned, I was just trying to get off the main road, to get away from D.B. I then decided that I'd stop by a grocery store on the way home, so that I could get something to cook for dinner. As I was pulling into the parking lot, guess who else was arriving ...why, it was Dirty Bitch in the flesh. I was planning and schemin' my lil head off. I had the perfect plan. I was going to follow her aroiund the store, WAY more than two feet close to her. ( two feet of personal space is needed to feel comfy for most, you've seen the commercial ) She walked fast into the store, she grabbed a basket. I grabbed one too, and was walking so close toher that I am sure people thought I was her daughter. (he he) She kept dodging me at every corner, and walking so fast that she passed up things that she knew she needed to stop and get.. ha ha ha.
Then.. I left her alone. I thought she had enough. Then I remembered...she didn't think I had had enough when she was riding my tale on the road. I grabbed a few things that I needed, and scurried to the checkout. I saw her scurrying too, to the only open register that didn't have five million people in it. Becuase I can be a spiteful bitch, I started to run. Of course I beat her there, I am 20, she was atleast 35. She was also too...grown-up to run? or was it that she was too old? Anyway, anyhow, I beat her there, and boy she was mad... she recognized me from traffic.. hey I told you she was practically IN my backseat...she immediately frowned. I asked her if she liked being harassed. She looked away. I told her that I would be happy to tell it to her in sign language if she was hearing impared. LOL.. You should have seen the look on her face. Red Red red cheeks.. ha ha ha. I told her that she should be more careful in a car like that, and she snapped at me and told me that I had no right to tell her how to drive, and I snapped back and said "Did your driver's ed teacher have the right to tell you?" She scowled at me again. Don't think I stopped here. I told her that more people crash in this town from road rage than drunk driving. More people have wrecks in this town in new cars than a big city. And the last one, more than half of the wrecks in this town are from wreckless driving, and often atleast one person in the party hs no insurance. Guess who didn't have insurance? Me. I was about three weeks overdue to get my hiney in that office and renew it. Ahh, so I put it off for a few weeks, I told her. Know who would have fixed her car if she would have hit me? HER. A brand new car would have been SMASHED because she wanted to drive like a dirty bitch. When I was leaving the store, I waited until she came out, I yelled across the parking lot to be careful, and then caringly waved ( I am such a bitch. ) I watched her buckele her seatbelt and drive away...lol
Some Whirly Advice....
Don't be a dirty bitch. It makes everyone hate you.
June 29th, 1999 12:19AM
I gotta hand it to myself, I am sure smart when it comes to schematics and profiteering. Heh. My boyfriend and I were buying a few glow sticks off of the web the otherday, and we saw that you could buy them in bulk... my rusty gears startd to turn. Last year, at the 4th celebration we have here, there were about 5 different people selling those glow products for an arm and a leg. I know they paid almost 1/5th of what they were selling them for...
I started to let my imagination wander. Eric bought 100 of those puppies, and we are gonna go sell them at the celebration and take the profit to Universal Studios...lol. We are so bad.
I know that this isn't what I usually write about... but I have some things I want to try with my web page. I promise I will be back later to quench your literature-thirst.
July 24th, 1999 4:08pm
Ahh, look who decided to join us! I know, I have been away for some time. You are addicted to me. Face it. It's ok. I undestand. I am sorry that my website has changed so much in the past few weeks. Angelfire thought my page wasn't worthy, or something, and they deleted it. I had to start from scratch. I hope that the new page is just as spunky and acceptible as the old page. I am taking no chances this tima around. I have save all my work onto disks.. heh. I have lots of new gifs and pics for you to enjoy.
I have had lots of good days, and lots of bad days since my last time here. I got sick, thanks to my loving boyfriend. :) Of course, he is better, and I am still toughing out the worst part of this nasty out-of-season bug. I quit my job, incase you haven't heard. I am still jobless, one week later. I caonsidered it sort of a week's worth of very deserved vacation. Yeah, I am poor at the moment, but I am having a bit of fun.
I have made up my mind, and am deciding to move back to my house. Eric's mom is too much. She thinks (acts) like I (we) don't do anything. She always tells ME to clean the bathroom, or clean the computer room...organize the garage???
I talked to Eric and he doesn't know what is up with her. he told me that in his life, he has never had to clean the bathroom. he has never had to clean the computer room. Sure, his room got a little messy here and there, but shit, it's small, and there are two of us. I don't understand why she has decided to throw these responsibilities on me, when she has always taken care of them herself. Oh, and it's not like I am a slob or anything. I even clean up ERIC'S left-over messes. I actually SAVE her work. He shed's like a dog. Who cleans his sheddings up? Me. He is a guy, (sorry guys) he pees on the toilet seat. Who cleans it up? Me. He leaves more cups lying around the house in one day than I will use in a week. Who picks them up? Me.
I guess I am just feeling a little unappreciated lately. All he does is beg for sex, complain because I never want it, and then pout until I give it up. Then, when I don't seem excited, he whines. What the??? Guys confuse the hell out of me. "Do you want it or not?"
I am so frustrated that if I had hair long enough to pull out, I'd be bald. Speaking of hair, I am in bad need of a haircut. I'd do it myself, but I really don't want to look as if I have been run over by a lawn mower.
I am not one to care about other's opinions, but lately, I have been feeling a little inadequate. Usually, within a month, I will have days when I wake up, look in the mirror, and be somewhat satisfied. Sometimes, I am really pleased...and sometimes I am totally disappointed. lately, I have been...well... having ugly-days. Eric never tells me that I look good. He seems to be a little better at picking out my flaws. "Look, see that piece of hair?" "I hate it, it gets on my nerves." Gee, thanks, Eric. Let me just run and singe it off with a lighter. Hope you are happy now.
Wow. I did not intend on entering my site today to bash eric, but... when I am here, I let all emotions GO. It's like how you can only put so much air into a balloon.
I am starving, and I don't know what's on the menu. Eric is asleep, and has to go to work at 10pm, but God forbid I leave the house without him. he'd probably wake up, and notice that I wasn't here, and page me one million times.
I need to have some pictures scanned. I need to go get a haircut. I need togo to my house and get some things. Gee, I guess I will stay here and entertain myself while he is asleep.
I am going to leave now, before I say (write) something that I really regret.
Some advice from the whirlster...Don't hold on to dreams, if you have no intention on making them come true.
July 31, 1999 11:51pm
Well, I remember saying something a while ago about regret. Hmm. Sometimes, I don't know what is going on in that small thing that sits on top of my shoulders. I try to understand myself, but it usually just blows up in my face. I never meant to say those mean things about Eric. Shit, I never should have thought about those things. I am so selfish and cruel. I hurt him, and I didn't realize it. I misunderstood him. I didn't give him half the credit that I know he deserved. I feel horrible.
Something happened last night that made me feel awful. Me and my friend Kim were talking on AOL. We decided that we were bored, and that since Applebee's stayed open late and served NON-WaffleHouse cuisine, that we should pay them a visit. Well, I forgot that I wasn't really hungry, but I didn't remember until I had ordered way too much to eat. Kim wanted to go to the beach anyways, to see what was goin' on..so I decided that we'd stop by Eric's work. After I ate a very small portion of the food that I ordered, we proceded towards the beach. We got to Spinnakers, and I convinced Eric's manager to let me and Kim in, because all that we were doing was dropping off some food for him. We walked around back...and I flimsily stated "Watch him be talking to some gorgeous girl."
I got around the corner to the starcase where he was at...and he was standing there talking to this really skinny girl with long pretty hair, and knockout legs. I froze. I turned around, walked passed Kim, and tossed the food into the garbage without even thinking. I was hurt. I know that he is a bouncer. I know that he encounters millions of pretty girls every day... but why did he have to be talking to one while I was paying him a visit. I trust him one-hundred percent, but it still hurt to see what I saw. He wasn't mac'n on her, or leaning towards her or anything. It still sucked. Kim and I went to her brother's apartment and watched Nick At Night, until I gathered myself. Kim took me back to Applebee's, where I left my car... and then she drove off. I got in my car, and it didn't crank. Thanks karma. I had to walk into the restaurant at about 2am and ask one of the clean-up guys to jump off my car. It sucked.
I got home and folded laundry until Eric got home...then I started to sweat a little. What was I going to say? "I saw you talking to a girl???" That sounds lame. I didn't know how to explain to him how frustrated I was over something SO stupid. What he told me sounded like a line of bull, but I believe him fully. See, when I saw him at his work, I saw him showing her one of our business cards. I didn't know exactly what they were talking about. He told me that he was telling her about me. It sounds lame...but I know it was the truth. I totally take him for granted. I never let him explain a situation. I wish that I could be more like him.
I have been feeling so ugly lately. I mean, I usually go through the week having a bad day here and there, but lately, I have been going through the MONTH with one or two GOOD days. I don't know why. I even got a letter from a very special person, that made me regain a small sense of dignity about my looks...but later on that day...I felt as ugly as a troll under the bridge again. My face has almost totally cleared up, besides some light scarring, and I feel ugly. I have gained a teensy bit of weight, and I feel like I have to be hauled around in the back or a moving van.
I honeslty don't know how Eric puts up with my moodiness and irritability. If I were him, I would have gotten fed up a while ago.
I was taking St. John's Wort, but I heard that they can cause some kidney damage, if they are taken on a regular basis. Well, in order for them to work, you have to take them on a regular basis.
I need a new job, and I need to go to bed and stop worrying about these insigificant things.
Goodnight All.
August 6th, 1999 2:06 pm
Ahhhh here I am again, peacefully soothing my soul with the giant pacifier that is my keyboard. I wish that they would make serial killers and rapists write all their feelings out. I can't think of a better way to get into someone's thoughts. Well, besides regression, but men are already regressed.. heheh. Well, I slept on the floor last night, and I feel great. I cheated and used a few blankets beneath me, but I still feel way better today than I have in the past 3 weeks. Oh, my doctor wasn't the one who gave me the advice to sleep o the floor either... shows how much he knows. I once went into his office and I had sprained my wrist, or pulled a muscle...and my doctor told me "I don't know what it is, take these anti-inflammtory pills, and these pain killers." Gee, thanks Doc. Where would the world be without anti inflammatories and pain killers? Do you really want me to go into detail about what I think about modern medicine? I don't think that you do. I just want people to get WELL, not just FEEL better. Anyone can give you some sort of drug that makes you FEEL better...but not many can make you feel WELL.
I am going to change subjects now before I go insane. Teehee. Am I too late on the subject changing thing? Teehee. See yas for now.. I am waitng for a very special friend. And waiting, and waiting.. heheh.
Advice time: Don't go to a doctor that you can't understand. How will you know how to take your medicine?
I know that writing here isn't going to cure AIDs or cancer. It isn't going to make me have perfect skin and a perfect body.
Continued...
Sorry I haven't been around lately... I am on a difficult adventure to find...something.