The Perfect World

january 1998

I am now into my first year of university. I was probably one of the happiest kidz to graduate from highschool and leave behind that retarded little "mini-society". I hated highschool, not because of the usual annoyances like cliques, stress, and backstabbing, but more because it just happened to be timed with the worst years of my life so far. Highschool and my teenage years taught me one very nasty, very important lesson: Reality sucks!!! And so does this world! I know a girl who was raped by her neighbor while his friend waited upstairs. I know a girl who was beat by her mother to the point where she turned to drugs and self-mutilation. I know a girl who can't remember the night she lost her virginity cuz she was so loaded. I know a girl who got pregnant and had to kill her baby in fear of her parents' reaction. I know a girl who passed out in a room and awoke to find a man on top of her in mid-thrust. I know a girl who was raped by her ex-boyfriend on New Year's Eve. I know a girl who feels guilty if she eats a third meal in a day. And it makes me sick. In my teenage years, each and every single one of my friends and i have managed to become part of some statistic. But who cares right? I don't know how many times i've heard "yeah well, we're all part of some statistic!". So does that make it ok? Cuz it still hurts. And all i want to do is protect the people i love from this destructive society and its so fucking impossible that it makes me so pissed off! I have a tattoo. Its a Kanji symbol which reads "strength". It is on my upper ab, placed snuggly between my ribs. It is a reminder. It will remind me of all the struggles i have gone through alone and with my friends. It is a reminder of a battle we 6 or 7 females fight everyday of our lives in order to stay sane and healthy. We refuse to get screwed over by all the assholes in this world. A girl i met on the internet told me about an organization called "RiotGrrls". I had always known that there existed these "riotgrrls" but i never knew there was a legit organization. I'd have to say i've always been a riotgrrl at heart. Ever since i was little, my parents and sibblings always said how i was such a little "bitch" to boys and how they pitied anyone who ever tried to dominate me!! I remember a picture i saw of Courtney Love when i was about 14 or 15. She was holding up a board that said "Riot Girl" on it, and i remeber how i wished i were just like her! I'm not trying to brag or anything, I'm just trying to understand my position in this mess of a world. And i have come to beleive that it is to help others and fight a constant battle against woman subordination, rape, violence, racism, and discrimination.! I DON'T HATE MEN!I HATE ASSHOLES! I have never considered myself to be politically active but i am sick and tired of this disgusting hate-filled society and i feel i need to do something other than bitch! I know this isn't much, but for every girl who reads this and is touched by it, gathering the courage and strength needed to survive this shit world, I am a happier person. I want to save my friends from the terror they went through, i want to erase what happened to them. But that is just one more unattainable goal. I can't help but link all that has happened to being a teenager. And maybe that is so that i can have a hint of hope that once i turn 20 and leave behind these horrible years, that the pain will be done with. Unrealistic, i suppose. But the worst part is that i still have two more years to go. "And i wouldn't be so fucking mad so fucking pissed off if it wasn't so fucking wrong!!" -Bikini Kill- "RIP" 1996