[ 6/2/99 ] Who Am I?
B00! This is going to be short, because I am sick and gonna go ZzZzz... I start colleeg Saturday. Of course I will write about it!:) I did not write yesterday, because my provider has been having some problems. It keeps disconnecting then only connecting at 9,600!!! Bleh! Well, Lets see what's up with me! :D My mom told me yesterday she found some "gay" thing on my computer and if she sees any "gay" things again she will take my compter away:~( This really sucks, because at the moment I do not have any friends in real life and I am here all day and it takes alot of my fustration, anger, worry, lonelines, & so on away. I talk to a friend of mine on here I have known her prob 3-4 years; I talk to her around 12+ hours a day!:) Where was I? [hehe] Oh... I dunno what my mom saw... I didn't have anything in my Netscape history or anything. I told her she was seeing things [heh]! I have thought about telling her, but then I think of how she would react and how much my life would change. I am just not ready for a change right now...
I am at the point right now I am trying to figure out "Who am I?" and "What am I gonna do with my life?". I saw this tv show and a girl had to write an essay tittled "Who I am & what makes me special & unique." In the show she thought about this and she didn't exactly know. Then I thought about this and I thought to myself Who am I? I have not yet had the oppertunity to figure out who I am. I didn't go to a regular highschool... We didn't have dances or boyfriends & girlfriends. We didn't have sports teams or partys. I have not yet gone out into the world to discover who I am inside. I know I love children and I know I am a lesbian. That is the only things I know of who I am. And I can not wait to some personal space to figure out the rest of who I am and so on. The School I went to was really hard... there were 14 kids in my class (8h-12th grade) and 4 were girls. I went to a baptist school the boys & girls were not able to date, Hang out outside of school, and in school be alone with each other or come within 6inches of them. This is not Why I am gay=op I rememeber liking girls who I was very young. The first crush I ever remember was when i was 10 years old. I had a crush on a girl named Beth who lived in this apartment complex I lived in. I can rememebr so much about her & I remember having a crush on a girl in my first year of middle school ( I was 11 or 12 ) with a girl named Tayna.
[hehe] Well, so much for a short entrie LOL!
Okie! I wanted to talk about something... Eating Disorders & Self-esteem. Tonight I was in a chat room and they were discussing eating disorders...making yourself puke So on! I found this very room and got really mad. They were saying that these people who do this are stupid and stuff. I told them to stop & that it is a disease. It is! And people who do it can not just stop. It is like a drug. I used to be made fun of alot in elementary school & then in middle school I wasn't, But when I went into private school I was made fun of again... I was called fat, ugly, harmful [harmonee, get it?] no one ever talked to me so on. Well, I have I dunno if because of that, but I have grown to think of myself as ugly and fat. And when people tell me other wise I feel inside they are lying to be nice. I ended up dealing with a sortof eating disorder. It was totally secret and no one knew about it except one person I talk on the computer with. It wasnt super bad Thank goodness... I was dealing with not wanting to eat or eating & vomiting. One day I was at a resturant with my parents [while on vacation] I went into the bathroom after I ate & threw up. This really scared me and I thought to myself... What am I doing? Why Am I doing this? Who am I doing this for? Til This day I have not done it again... I have found a girl who cares for me alot ( not my girlfriends ) Who says and has proved to me she would love me no matter who I was no matter what I looked like. I love this girl alot she is my best friend in the world. I can talk to her about anything and know her opinion about me would never change. So, Find yourself a friend... who thinks you are great. Even if its the so called "geek" at school... Those geeks r sometimes the most understanding and caring people you would ever meet. Don't care about what your friends would think of you hanging out with a geek either. Just find a friend you can talk to. Friends are great!:)
Buh!bye everyone have a great day!
I am thinking of how to make this page so that it is not so hard to read... If you have any suggestions e-mail me at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
I am listening to Jewel She is so cool! I love her songs they are so meaningful; she is very beautiful even tho she has a big now... There are lots of people with big noses:-) The lyrics to the song at a part is "I've been down so low..." I love that. She was down so low & she got up & made herself great! Her life is an amazing story I would love to read her book;) Well Goodnight all!