Misc. Jokes II

  • The Tie
  • Adult Nursery Rhymes
  • Just Fred
  • The Story of the Three Bears
  • 2 Ants
  • Twins
  • Survivor 2
  • 25%
  • 4 stages of life
  • Assistance
  • Vampire

  • The Tie

    A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life.
    His supplies were running low when his camel died.
    Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water.
    Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.

    "Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some water."

    "Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of these ties."

    "What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked.

    "That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."

    The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles,
    praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun.
    His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance.
    Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert,
    he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway.
    As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed.

    The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir," the doorman said,
    "But you can't come in here without a tie!"

    to top

    Adult Nursery Rhymes

    Mary had a little lamb,
    she tied him to the heater.
    everytime he'd lift his leg,
    he'd burn his little peter!
    Mary had a little sheep.
    it went to bed with her to sleep.
    the sheep turned out to be a ram,
    and Mary had a little lamb!
    Mary had a little lamb,
    her father shot it dead.
    now Mary takes the lamb to school
    between two hunks of bread.
    Mary had a little lamb,
    she tied it to a pylon.
    10,000 volts went up it's butt
    and turned its wool to nylon!
    Jack and Jill went up the hill
    to fetch a pail of water.
    Jill forgot to take the pill,
    so now they have a daughter!
    Jack and Jill went up the hill,
    to smoke a little leaf.
    jack got high,
    pulled down his fly,
    and Jill said,
    "where's the beef?"
    Jack and Jill went up the hill
    for just an itty bitty.
    jill's now two months overdue
    and jack has left the city.

    to top

    Just Fred

    A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling
    faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good
    mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break
    and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he
    asks the man his name.

    "Fred" he replies.

    "Fred what?" the officer asks.

    "Just Fred," the man responds.

    When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells
    him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer
    thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.

    "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

    The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was
    born Fred Dingaling. I know, I know, funny last name. The
    kids used to tease me all the time. So I kept to myself.
    I studied hard and got good grades.

    When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
    college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got
    my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

    After a while, I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.
    Dentistry was my new dream. Got all the way through school,
    got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD, DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with
    my dental assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred
    Dingaling, MD with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away
    my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling, MD VD.

    Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking
    away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my
    MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

    Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

    The officer let him go without even a warning.

    to top

    The Story of the Three Bears

    It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the
    Bear family is just waking up.

    Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small
    chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
    "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

    Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his
    big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
    "Who's been eating my porridge?", he roars.

    Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving
    hatch from the kitchen and yells,
    "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
    It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
    It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy
    Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and
    put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold
    early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
    It was Mummy Bear who set the table.
    It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned
    the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.
    And now that you've decided to come down stairs
    and grace me with your presence....listen good because I'm only going
    to say this one more time....
    I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!

    to top

    2 Ants

    Two ants met in a woman's belly button and decided to explore the
    rest of her body. Agreeing to meet back in the same place in a week,
    one ant headed north while the other went south.

    Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. "I had a great time," reported the
    ant who ventured north. "There were these two big hills, and every
    day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley."

    "I had a hell of a time," sighed the other ant. "First I had to walk
    through this thick jungle, then I fell down this huge hole, and by
    the time I climbed out I was so tired that I fell asleep in this
    smelly cave. But that wasn't the worst of it! Every night, this giant
    worm came in and threw up in my face!"

    to top


    A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
    One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal."
    The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.
    Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
    wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

    Her husband responds, "But they are twins, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

    to top

    Survivor 2

    A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In
    response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style."

    The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San
    Antonio, down to Houston and Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del
    Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, up to Lubbock and Amarillo.
    From there, they make their way to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back
    to Dallas.

    Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper sticker that
    reads: "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your

    The first one to make it back to Dallas wins !!!

    to top


    My family were all together recently, just hanging around at Mom and Dad's.
    My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of
    trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud;

    "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"

    Her husband, a notorious joker, shot back,
    "So, how come yours don't?"

    My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied,
    "You're not pumping hard enough."

    to top

    4 Stages of Life

    1. You believe in Santa Claus

    2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.

    3. You are Santa Claus.

    4. You look like Santa Claus

    to top


    An attractive young woman out grocery shopping wheels her cart up to
    the checkout line, only to realize that she's forgotten one item-tampons.

    An attentive bag-boy notices the woman's absentminded expression and asks if there's a problem.

    "Oh, I just forgot to get something important," the woman replies.

    The bagboy, eager to assist a pretty customer, politely offers to go and get for her whatever item she's forgotten.

    Quite embarrassed but in a hurry to leave, the young woman whispers to the bag-boy, "I need a box of Tampax".

    "No problem," he says, "I'll be right back".

    The young woman is relieved and appreciates the help, as she waits at the register with a line forming behind her.

    Meanwhile, the bag-boy has misunderstood the woman's shyly whispered request,
    and is now searching for a "box of thumbtacks". Eventually he finds
    the thumbtacks, but is confused by the different choices available.

    Imagine the young woman's reaction when the bagboy comes trotting back up to the
    register calling to her, "Miss, do you want the kind that you push in, or the kind that you hammer in?"

    to top


    There was a young vampire named Mable
    who's periods where really quite stable
    So every full moon
    She'd get out a spoon
    And drink herself under the table

    to top

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