medical jokes

  • The Wrong HMO
  • Ebonics Dictionary of Medical Terms
  • Mental Health Hotline
  • Umm... Hey Doc!
  • Painter and the Eye Doctor
  • EWWW
  • Midget
  • Headache Cure
  • Moral Conflicts
  • Nurse Nancy
  • Doctor to Doctor
  • The Proctologist
  • Perscriptionr
  • Expert Sergeon
  • Birth Control
  • The Specialist
  • Obsession
  • Mental Hospital
  • The Funeral
  • Hiccups
  • Chinese Medicine
  • Out of Hand

  • The Wrong HMO

    Top 10 Signs You've Joined The Wrong HMO

    10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

    9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when
    you enter the trailer park."

    8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

    7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

    6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."

    5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to
    Goodwill last month.

    4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

    3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

    2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with
    little "m"s on them.

    And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO.

    1. You ask for Viagra and you get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

    (Submitted by Kristal)

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    Ebonics Dictionary of Medical Terms


    What you be after you be eight


    The study of paintings


    Back door to cafeteria


    What doctors do when patients die

    Cesarean Section

    A neighborhood in Rome


    Searching for kitty


    Made eye contact with her


    A sheep dog


    A punctuation mark

    D & C

    Where Washington is


    To live long


    Not a friend


    Quicker than someone else


    A small lie


    Non Jewish person

    G.I. Series

    World series of military baseball


    What you hang your coat on


    Distinguished, well known

    Labor Pain

    Getting hurt at work

    Medical staff

    A Doctor's cane


    A higher offer than I bid


    Cheaper than day rates


    Was aware of


    A person who has fainted

    Pap Smear

    A fatherhood test


    Second cousin to Elvis

    Post Operative

    A letter carrier

    Recovery room

    Place to do upholstery


    Damn near killed him


    Hiding something


    Roman emperor


    A small table

    Terminal illness

    Getting sick at the airport


    More than one


    Opposite of you're out


    Near by / close by

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    Mental Health Hotline

    Here follows a transcript of the new telephone answering service recently
    installed at the Mental Health institute:

    "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.

    Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press: no one will answer.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

    If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

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    hey Doc


    A lady phones up her gynecologist and she is livid!

    She says" Doctor, doctor, doctor; I am NOT happy!

    Those hormone pills you gave me are too strong, way too strong.

    I have hair growing all over my chest!

    The doctor says," that does sound serious 1000 !

    How far down does the hair go?

    She says all the way down to my PENIS!

    And that's another thing I want to talk about!

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    Painter and the Eye Doctor


    There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight.
    Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

    After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.
    The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

    Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

    When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art
    at the doctor's office.

    During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly decorated office, especially that one large eye on the wall?'

    To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself
    'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.'"

    (Submitted by Reba)

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    A professor is giving the first year medical students their
    first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few
    basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things
    to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no
    sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger
    into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

    He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses
    in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they
    follow suit.

    "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
    observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus,
    but I licked my index."

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    This midget goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, you have to help me.
    I have this really bad rash in my groin area.
    I can't sit, stand, or walk it hurts so bad."

    The doctor tells the midget to remove his pants and get up on he table.
    After the doctor examines the guy, he tells him, "Yes, I think I can help you."
    The doctor goes to one of his cupboards and pulls out a pair
    of scissors, a scalpel, a needle, and some thread.

    The midget says, "Oh, I don't think I can watch this!
    I'll just look up at the ceiling while you perform the surgery.

    Well, the doctor cuts and clips and sutures and when he is done, the midget says,
    "Doctor, I don't know what you did, but I feel wonderful."

    Thank you, thank you.

    The doctor said "All I did was cut 2 inches off the top of your cowboy boots!"

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    Headache Cure

    A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no
    relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a
    headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what
    his symptoms are and he replies.

    "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my
    scalp and...."

    He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right
    behind the left ear".

    "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

    "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But
    I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years.
    It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I
    cured it:

    Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would
    squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure
    would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two
    weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

    Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"
    "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since
    I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the
    way you have a lovely home."

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    Moral Conflicts


    A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day's activities. He
    lies down on the couch and ponders his actions. Like most of us, his
    conscience has two voices; that of his good moral side and that of his
    mischievous side.

    While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says "don't worry
    about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."

    The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice
    says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."

    Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about
    himself at which time another voice in head says, "but you're a

    (Submitted by Julie)

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    Nurse Nancy

    Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
    "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards.
    Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours.
    She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

    The second doctor said, "That's nothing.
    Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
    She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

    Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
    "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

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    Doctor to Doctor

    One night a man and a woman doctor are both at a bar knocking back a
    few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.
    After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we
    sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."

    The woman doctor agrees to it.

    So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in
    the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the
    operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom
    and they have sex for an hour or so.

    Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

    "Yeah, how did you know?"

    "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."

    "Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"

    "Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"

    "Because I didn't feel a thing."

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    The Proctologist

    A proctologist walked into a bank.
    Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer
    out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.

    Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer
    with annoyance and said, Well that's great, just great!

    "Some asshole's got my pen!"

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    The Perscription

    A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane.
    The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her bare legs.

    The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
    hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a
    tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

    The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's
    seeing. A few more minutes pass and the woman sneezes yet again. She takes
    a tissue and again gently wipes it between her legs.

    The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says,
    "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a and wiped it
    between your legs! Are you trying to send me some kind of signal or are
    you just nuts?"

    The woman replies, "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, sir, but I have a
    rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

    The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

    The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

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    Expert Surgeon

    Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained
    calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.

    "You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs.
    Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation."

    So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I
    expected. Jon is down at the pub."

    Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

    A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John
    accidentally cut off his leg.

    Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.

    "Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come
    back in six hours."

    Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's
    playing football."

    Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

    A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John
    accidentally cut off his own head.

    Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the
    surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.

    "Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but
    I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours."

    Sam returned in 12 hours. "How did it go, Doc?" he asked.

    "I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied.

    He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!"

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    Birth Control

    In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked
    her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive.

    He suggested she try withdraw, douches or condoms.

    Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with
    three children when she happened to run across her old doctor.

    "I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the young children.

    "On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "David here was a pullout,
    Diane was a washout, and Deanna was a blowout!"

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    The Specialist

    A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist
    in circumcision.

    Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in
    specimen jars as momentous, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.

    So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to
    craft them into an article of fine artistic quality.

    "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."

    The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article
    the leathersmith had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet.

    "All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon.

    The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

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    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three
    young mothers and their small children.

    "You all have obsessions," he observed.

    To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.

    You've even named your daughter Candy."

    He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.

    Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

    At this point, the third mother got up,
    took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
    "Come on, Dick, let's go."

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    Mental Hospital

    John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

    One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool
    and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed
    there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom
    of the pool and pulling John out.

    The medical director came to know of David's heroic act.
    He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he
    now considered him to be OK.

    The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you!
    The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your
    sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
    The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in
    the bathroom and died after all."

    David replied, "Doctor.... John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

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    The Funeral

    A heart specialist doctor died and it's his funeral.

    The coffin sits in front of a huge heart.

    When the pastor finished with the sermon and after everyone said
    their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside,
    and the heart closed. What a beautiful way to go.

    Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

    The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

    "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied

    "What's so funny about that?"

    "I'm a gynecologist

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    A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can
    give him something for the hiccups.

    The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack!)

    "What did you do that for?" the man asks.

    "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

    The man says, "No, but my wife who is out in the car still does!"

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    Chong calls into work one morning and says, "Hey, boss, I not come work
    today. I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt. I not
    come to work. "

    The boss says, "You know, Chong, I really need you today. When I feel like
    that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better
    and I can go to work. You should try that.

    Two hours later Chong calls, "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great.
    I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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    Out of hand

    A man enters the hospital for a circumcision.

    When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

    "Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon.

    "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation.

    You now have a vagina instead of a penis."
    "What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
    "Oh, you might, " the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."

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