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A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what
kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said
the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the
second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said
the youngest daughter
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
Hey, Dave, how ya doin?
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. Oh
no, says Dave. He's on my bowling team.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,
You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.
No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
Hi Davey, she says, Want your usual table dance?
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says,
Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla.
The gorilla goes Ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now... Tell HIM you have a headache."
Wife: "I dreamt they were auctioning off Penis's.
The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband: "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife: "Those they gave away."
Husband: "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off Vagina's. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife: "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon
for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that
we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first
honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon,"
said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get
to sit on the side of the bed and cry,
'It's too big, it's too big!'"
Charlie and Audrey are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Charlie says to Audrey, "Audrey, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on me?"
Audrey replies, "Oh Charlie, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Audrey, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Charlie, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Audrey, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Charlie, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?
Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Audrey, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Charlie, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short."
5/4/99
An elderly woman went to visit her youngest daughter and found her naked, waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter: "What are you doing naked?"
The daughter responds: "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.
When her husband arrives, he asks her: "What are you doing naked, woman?"
She responds: "This is the dress of love."
And he said to her: "Well, go iron it first."
05/26/99
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets
has an incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh".
He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal.
We all make Freudian slips like that.
Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife,
`Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said,
`You %^*@!#! bitch, you wrecked my life!"
(submitted by deb)
06/04/99
Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn't
there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up, so he
called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND !
(Submitted by Tara)
06/17/99
The story goes that a very sick man asked his wife,
Honey, do you think after I die that you will get married again?
I don't know, dear," she replied.
Well, if you ever do, do you think the man you marry will want to use my golf clubs?
Oh, no, I'm sure he won't, she said soothingly.
He's left-handed.
(Lynne & Scott)
06/26/99
A couple had been married for 15 years.
One afternoon they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said
"Hey, Honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick
measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "just what I thought. Just about the same size."
The wife was furious and decided to let him do the gardening alone.
She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said,
"How about it honey?" Wanna fool around?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?"
To which she replied,
"You don't think I'm going to fire up this Big Ass Grill for one little weenie, do you?"
07/08/99
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it.
She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face and said
"Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"
(submitted by)
(Taz from Kitchener , Ontario )
ò ó
.Ü
.
~
08/08/99
A woman had a baby boy and it was really ugly.
Her husband said," That is an ugly baby.
He's the ugliest boy I've ever seen.
Look at these three beautiful daughters.
Have you been cheating on me?"
His wife replied, "No, not this time."
09/13/99
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I
go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I
ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and
say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
(Submitted by Reba)
09/25/99
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their separate beds.
However the man was not yet ready to go to sleep.
The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband.
On the way the trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says,
"Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed.
The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out.
As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on
the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says,
"Clumsy bitch."
(Submitted by Marion)
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman
"Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."
(Submitted by Kristal)
A wife woke up in the middle of the night
to find her husband missing from bed.
She got out of bed and checked around the house
when she heard, sobbing coming from the basement.
After turning on the light and heading down the stairs,
she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
Honey, what's wrong? She asked, worried about
what could hurt him so much.
He replied, "Remember, 20 years ago when I got you pregnant
and your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
(Submitted by Val)
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs,
which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with
you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or
offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be
at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant I'll be home
before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for
him that read as follows:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter,
I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you
are a mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more
times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.
Your Wife
(Submitted by MW)
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror.
This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
(Submitted by Lynn S.)
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside
and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary
and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake
up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
(Submitted by Marion)
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine
that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even 10% might be more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling perfectly fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was
amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
They thought the doctor's invention was just great.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
(Submitted by Reba)
This guy is sitting at home one afternoon watching TV when his wife walks
in and starts beating the crap out of him with a frying pan.
"What the hell are you doing woman?" shouts the guy.
His wife tells him that she was just washing his pants and found a piece of
paper with the name 'Marilyn' written on it.
"No honey, you don't understand" says the man "Marilyn is the name of a
horse I bet on yesterday at the races"
The wife apologizes profusely and goes back to doing her own thing.
Ten minutes later she comes back into the room and again begins beating
the daylights out of her husband.
"What the hell are you doing now?" he asks
"Your horse just called!" answers the wife
(Submitted by deb)
A doctor and his wife were having a heated
argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the
house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You
aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make
amends and phoned home. After many rings, his
wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."'
(Submitted by Kristal)
Becky was on her deathbed.
Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side.
He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face.
His praying roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have
something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's
all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your
best friend and your father."
"I know", answered Jake, "that's why I poisoned you"
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing
and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a
lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he
had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and
gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what
your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what
time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
Husband: Hey ... Hey! Where are you going with your bags packed?
Wife: I am going to Las Vegas. You make no money and show me no love.
I just can't take it anymore.
Husband: You don't gamble, why are you going to Vegas?
The Wife: Hey I hear that you get $200 for performing oral sex out in Las Vegas.
The Husband: Runs upstairs, and comes down with his bags packed.
The Wife: Where are you going?
The Husband: I am going to Vegas, I want to see how you live on $400 a year.
The TV show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" has taken America by
storm. A joke based on it was inevitable.
A wife rolls over in bed and playfully nudges her husband.
He groans and says, "Not now, honey. I'm really tired."
She nudges him harder and pleads, "C'mon, sweetie, I'm really in the
mood."
He groans again and says, "I love you, honey, but not now."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes."
"Then I'd like to call a friend."
(Submitted by June)
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched
her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of
your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said,
"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we
could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down
the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop!
You're not going to...to...cut it off are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, she handed him the hacksaw and said,
"Nope. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find
her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was
about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps
you should hear how all this came about..."
I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman
looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a
meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had
discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for
your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit
you.
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which
were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he
finally awoke, he motioned for her to come closer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to
support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
B - You take my breath away
A - I feel like I'm suffocating
B - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
A - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
B - Saturday Night Fever
A - Monday Night Football
B - He makes me feel like a million dollars
A - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
B - The Sound of Music
A - The Sound of Silence
B - It's like I'm in a dream
A - It's like he's in a dorm
B - $60/dozen
A - $1.50/stem
B - We agree on everything!
A - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
B - Charming and Noble
A - Chernobyl
B - Ideal
A - Idle
B - I love a woman with curves
A- I never said you were fat
B - He's completely lost without me
A - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
B - Time stood still
A - This relationship is going nowhere
B - Croissant and cappuccino
A - Bagel and instant
B - Blind
A - Nearsighted
B - You look so seductive in black
A - Your clothes are so depressing
B - Oysters
A - Fishsticks
B - I can hardly believe we found each other
A - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
1st year--The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about
those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could
turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to
take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a
couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to
bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with
the head nurse."
2nd year--"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I
called the doctor and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you.
Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
3rd year--"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel
lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something - do we have any
canned soup around here?"
4th year--"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the
weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get
them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"
5th year--"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
6th year--"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting
around barking like a dog!"
7th year--"For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me
pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store.
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife
asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what
was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and
suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
It's just too hot to wear clothes today,
"Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money" she replied
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after
20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him
out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a
wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down...and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure
device...a vibrator...soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She goes
completely ballistic: "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could
you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the
toy... if you explain the kids."
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead,"
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that!
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat elsewhere.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some countries a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married;
and by then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
During a heated spat over finances, the husband said,
"Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."
The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire
the chauffeur and the gardener."
The most effective way to remember your wife's or girlfriend's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive".
