Lawyer Jokes

  • Genie and the Law firm
  • The Difference
  • A Lawyer
  • So Sue Me
  • Four Surgeons
  • That Old?
  • Testimony
  • Lawyers
  • Anywhere - Anytime
  • Eye Wittness
  • Good Advice
  • Virgin Bride
  • Lawyers and Assholes
  • Graffiti
  • Alligator Food

  • Genie and the law firm


    A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking
    through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil

    They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

    The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes,
    so I'll give each of you just one."

    "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
    driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

    "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii,
    relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
    pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

    "You're next," the Genie says to the senior partner.
    The senior partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

    (Submitted by Tara)

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    The Difference

    Q: Whats the difference between God and a Lawyer
    A: God does'nt think he's a Lawyer

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    A Lawyer


    There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went
    to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
    The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

    So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her
    out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a
    good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

    She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

    He said, "Why, Yes I am!"

    So they went to his place and when they were in bed,
    He started to laugh to himself. When she
    asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well,
    I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and
    I'm already screwing someone!"

    (Submitted by EG)

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    So Sue Me

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
    dossier and says, "Ahh, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place." So
    the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

    Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
    hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
    they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the
    engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
    "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

    Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning,
    flush toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
    is going to come up with next."

    God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He
    should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

    Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm
    keeping him."

    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where
    are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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    Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

    The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
    You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

    The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
    You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

    The third said, "I like to operate on electricians.
    You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

    The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers.
    They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

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    That Old?

    A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
    To his dismay, there were thousands of people
    ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

    To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate
    and came down the long line to where the lawyer was,
    and greeted him warmly.

    Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer
    by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line,
    and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

    The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention,
    but what makes me so special?"
    St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours
    for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation
    you must be about 193 years old!"

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    Notes from a recent malpractice court hearing

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive...
    and practicing law somewhere.

    (Submitted by Kristal)

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    Q: What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
    A: A good start.

    Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
    A: Professional courtesy.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
    A: You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

    Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
    A: Their personalities.

    Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

    Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
    A: Not enough sand.

    Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
    A: Cut the rope.

    Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
    A: Take your foot off his head.

    Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
    A: Stick his bill up his ass.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
    A: The gigolo only screws one person at a time.

    Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
    A: You can't get your finger between the rope and his neck.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
    A: One is a cold blooded bottom dwelling scavenger and the other is a fish.

    Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q of 40?
    A: Your Honor.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
    A: The hooker stops screwing you when you're dead.

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    Anytime - Anywhere

    A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman
    sitting on a bar stool alone.

    He walks up to her and says,

    "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

    She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,

    "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place,
    it doesn't matter to me."

    The guy raises his eyebrows and says.........

    "No shit, what law firm do you work for?"

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    Eye Wittness

    Sam, an old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

    The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

    "Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."

    The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you
    saw my client commit this crime?"

    "Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

    Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your
    eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

    Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

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    Good Advice

    A woman went to her doctor for advice.
    She told the physician that her husband had developed a fondness for
    anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

    The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
    She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
    She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason
    that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like,
    so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

    The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

    The Doctor replied, "Of course.
    Where do you think lawyers come from?"

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    Virgin Bride

    A middle aged lawyer and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

    On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride
    says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."

    The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."

    The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist
    and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

    My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

    And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was............. God I miss him!

    But you're a lawyer, so now I *know* I'm gonna get screwed!"

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    Lawyers and Assholes

    A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed.
    The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is.
    All he says is, "All lawyers are assholes."

    A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"

    pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

    The man replies, "No, I'm an asshole."

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    For a good time, hire a hooker,
    For a lot of time, hire my attorney.

    -- Anonymous prison cell graffiti --

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    Alligator Food


    Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one
    turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so
    much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as
    kids... I just don't get it."

    "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

    "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

    "Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

    "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

    "Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

    "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
    Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!"

    "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by
    the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's
    nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."

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