Johnny Jokes

  • Johnny wants a Bike
  • Little Johnny (Daddy and Aunt Jane)
  • I Like Your Thinking
  • Multi-syllable
  • Smoking
  • Sunday School
  • The Vagina
  • Super Glue
  • Jesus
  • Black Balls
  • What's What
  • Report Card
  • School Days
  • 10x
  • Philosophy
  • Gramer
  • Multi-Syllable
  • (Mary) 10X
  • Holloween
  • Get Any

  • Johnny wants a Bike

    One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him
    if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

    Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house,
    and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

    Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
    The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that.
    Ask me again some other time."

    Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all
    his belongings in a suitcase.
    The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

    The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say
    that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, "And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"

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    Little Johnny (Daddy and Aunt Jane)

    Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into
    the woods.
    Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
    Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself.

    He runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
    Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
    So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
    into the woods with Aunt Jane.
    I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
    her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
    then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
    At this point, Mommy cut him off and said "Johnny, this is such an
    interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time I want
    to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

    At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

    Johnny describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat,

    And then how Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to
    do when Daddy was in the Army."

    (Submitted by Ginger)

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    I Like Your Thinking

    Little Johnny is a third grader. He goes to school and the teacher says,
    "Today kids, I am going to describe something and I want you to tell me what
    it is. OK. What is round, has fuzz on it, and you can eat it?"

    Johnny wants to answers but she calls on a girl. The girl says, "It's an apple."

    The teacher replies, "No it's a tomato, but I like the way you're thinking. OK,
    next. What's long, hard, grows in the ground, and you can eat it?"

    Johnny again wants to answer, but she calls on another little girl.
    The girl says, "It's a banana."

    The teacher replies, "No it's a carrot, but I like the way you're thinking."

    Well, Little Johnny gets mad and says, " I have one for you teach. What's
    round, hard, has a head on it, and I'm holding it in my pocket right now?"

    The teacher says, "Little Johnny that is the nastiest thing I have ever heard."

    Little Johnny says, " Nope, it's a quarter. But - I like the way you're thinking.

    (Submitted by Kristal)

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    Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says,
    'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
    Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

    Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

    Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

    Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

    Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

    Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job".

    (Submitted by Marion)

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    A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a

    "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke."

    Johnny looks up but says nothing.

    "How old are you?"

    "Six," Johnny says.

    "Six? When did you start smoking?"

    "Right after the first time I got laid."

    "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"

    Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk."

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    Sunday School

    Little Cindy was not the best student in Sunday
    School. She usually slept through class. One day the
    teacher called on her while napping,

    "Cindy, tell me who created the universe" When Cindy
    didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the
    chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear...
    "God Almighty!" shouted Cindy and the teacher said,
    "Very good" and Cindy fell back asleep.

    A while later the teacher asked Cindy, "Who is our
    Lord and savior?", But Cindy didn't stir from her slumber.
    Again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with
    the pin. "Jesus Christ!" Cindy shouted and the teacher said,
    "Very good" and Cindy fell back asleep.

    Then the teacher asked Cindy a third question, "What
    did Eve say to Adam after she had given birth to her
    twenty-third child?". And once again, Little Johnny jabbed
    her with the pin. This time Cindy jumped up and shouted...
    "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time I'm
    going to break it in half". The teacher was speechless.

    (Submitted by Marnie)

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    The Vagina

    Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy
    lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and
    pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny, this is where
    you come from."

    Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting
    that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

    "Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart
    and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

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    Super Glue

    A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered.
    The salesman asked if his father was at home.

    Johnny said, "Yes."

    The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"

    Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."

    Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.

    Johnny said, "Yes."

    The salesman said, "Well can I see her?"

    Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."

    The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"

    Johnny laughed this time and said "No."

    The salesman asked, "Why?"

    "Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I
    gave him some Super Glue."

    Submitted by Marion

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    A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers was concerned
    that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
    because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted
    to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.

    He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

    Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

    Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

    Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know!
    He's in our bathroom!"

    The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
    response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long

    Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

    Little Johnny said, "Well . . . every morning, my father gets up, bangs
    on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?"

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    Black Balls

    One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces
    to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the
    class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to
    school the following Monday.

    On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?"
    Needless to say, no one could answer.

    The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?"
    and again no one could answer.

    Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would
    somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
    So Thursday night, Johnny takes two Ping-Pong balls and paints them black.
    The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.
    At the end of the day, just when the teacher says,
    "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor
    sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room.

    Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing,
    the entire class starts laughing.
    The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
    Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday!"

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    What's What

    One day, little Johnny, bored out of his mind, went to his father for
    suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what,"
    said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a
    dollars worth of what's what." Johnny grabbed the dollar, hopped on
    his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store
    would have the what's what. He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in.

    He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a
    dollars worth of what's what, please." The pharmacist knew
    immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you
    go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front
    porch, they can get you some what's what."

    Johnny ran across the street and knocked on the front door.
    A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked opened the front door.
    Her pussy was right in little Johnny's face.
    Pointing to it he said, "what's that?"
    "What's what?" the whore replied.
    "Good, I'll take a dollars worth."

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    Report Card

    Little Johnny returns from school and says
    he got an F in arithmetic and a spanking.

    "Why?" asks the father.

    "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

    "But that's right!"

    "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

    "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

    "That's what I said!

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    School Days

    A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day.
    It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
    Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
    She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

    "I just saw one of your garter!"

    "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

    The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
    Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
    Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
    She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

    "I just saw both of your garters!"

    Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom!
    This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

    Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
    So she bends over to pick it up.
    This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
    She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
    "Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

    "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

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    A sixth grade teacher asks her class the question,
    "What body part, when stimulated increases to 10 times it's normal size?"

    Little Suzy stands up and says, "What kind of teacher are you?
    Asking 6th graders a question like that?
    I'm gonna tell my parents and the principal and you'll be fired!"

    The teacher ignores Suzy and asks the question again...

    Little Johnny puts his hand up and says, "the pupil."
    The teacher says, "That's correct Johnny."

    The teacher then turns to Suzy and says,
    "I have just three things to say to you missy.
    One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't read your homework,
    and three, you are going to be verrry disappointed when you grow up!"

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    A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
    shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

    She calls on little Johnny.

    He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."

    The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

    Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three
    women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

    One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
    The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is
    biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one
    that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

    To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with
    the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

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    Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed
    to go to the bathroom.

    He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

    The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use
    in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use
    the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

    Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if
    you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

    One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
    show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
    sentence twice.

    First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
    bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

    "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
    Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,"
    he said.

    "Excellent, Michael!"

    Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner
    table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,
    'Beautiful, ... just fucking beautiful!'"

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    Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says,
    “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
    Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

    Johnny says, “Mas-tur-bate.”

    Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”

    Little Johnny says, “No Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

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    (Mary) 10X

    The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
    "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
    No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said,
    "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that!
    I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

    With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
    Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
    "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
    Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her,
    "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

    The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
    "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

    Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
    "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
    (1) You have a dirty mind,
    (2) You didn't read your homework, and
    (3) One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

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    Little Johnny rang the bell at an old lady's house on holloween, dressed as a pirate.
    The lady says "What a cute little pirate, where are your little buccaneers?"
    Little Johhny tells her "Right here on the side of my little 'buccan-head"

    Get Any?

    A man was on trial for selling drugs and a neighbor, Little Johnny, was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?" "No, sir," answered Little Johnny. "Did you ever get any from his wife?" "No, sir." "Did you ever get any from his daughters?" "Uh, excuse me, sir," Little Johnny said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"

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