Golf Jokes


A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.
First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon
catches up to the person in front.
He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that she's very attractive.
He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together.
She agrees and a very close match ensues.

She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car.

All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything."
He pulls over and she gives him the best kiss he's ever had.

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again.
He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day.

Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she beats him at the last hole, again he drives her home, and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day.
This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this.
He can't work out what the fuss is about, but eventually she admits the reason.
"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard.

You've been playing off the red tees all week!"

(Submitted by Kristal)

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Bedroom Golf


1.) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play,
normally one club and two balls.

2.) Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3.) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in
the hole and keep the balls out.

4.) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5.) Course owners reserve the right to restrict club
length to avoid damage to the hole.

6.) Object of the game is to take as many strokes as
necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete.
Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7.) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival.
Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying
special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8.) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.
Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9.) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10.) Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times.
Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair.
Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.
More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11.) Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled
particularly when playing a new course for the first time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12.) The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes,
which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13.) Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.

14.) Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15.) It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting,
to play the same hole several times in one match.....

(Submitted by Daisy)



Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match,
with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're
obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of
the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole,
and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between
my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!'

Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second "gotcha"?"



A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies
are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it
another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You
should have been taking golf lessons instead."


Funeral Precession

Four guys were out on the golf course.
As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to
the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by.
Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his
chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, the other three said, "You know, that was the most
touching thing I've ever seen."
And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years.
It was the least I could do!"


Give Up

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple
of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this
next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of
your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless.
At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay,"
and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could
only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another
fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole,
the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the
stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the
rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club-house, the stranger walks alongside and
says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know
who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's... Father O'Malley."


A Dollar to Spare

Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to
take a crap..."

The second replied, "Well there's a tree, you can go behind it."

The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have
any toliet paper."

Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar
don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself." Reluctantly, the first guy goes
behind the tree.

Minutes later he comes back covered in crap.
The second asks, "Damn, what happened?
Didn't you use the dollar?"

"Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe your ass with three quarters, two
dimes, and a nickel?"

(Submitted by Kit)


Holy Moses

Moses, Jesus, and an older, bearded man were out playing golf
one day.

Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in
the fairway but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly,
Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the
other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one,
directly toward the same water hazard. It landed directly in
the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto
the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball.
It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a
nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree.
From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and
rolled down into the gutter, down the down spout, out onto
the fairway, and right toward the aforementioned pond.
On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced
out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and
snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped
down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over
the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball,
which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."


Lady Golf

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two
terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but
where it's supposed to go.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."

He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, "What's wrong?"

The first guy says, "Small world."


Golf Dictionary

[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by
disappointment and bad arithmetic.
[2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of
you, and the fastest are behind.
[3] the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off {Chi
Chi Rodriguez}.
[4] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and
financially in the red.
[5] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws)
because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral
[6] is like a love affair - if you don't take it seriously, it's no
fun, if you do, it breaks your heart.
[7] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green,
and then you find yourself in a hole.

[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can
neither count, criticize, nor snicker.

[1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five.
[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to
bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.


Tough Shot

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to
spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he
could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and
asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball
far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with
a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball,
directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally
said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the
ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on
the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment,

"Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."


1 Hole Behind

A man visited a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at his motel, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting,
so he got the directions to a nearby golf course from the clerk.

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became
confused about where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained the situation, and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the clubhouse, where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.
I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know," She answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See. I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"


The Handicap

Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked
woman runs across the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carrying a two buckets
of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, "What the hell is going on?"

The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from an asylum,
she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her."

The golfer says, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"

The old guy says, "That's his handicap.

He's the lucky bastard that caught her last time."


One Saturday

One Saturday, two buddies are golfing waiting to tee off on the
15th tee, when one guy says to the other,

"Hey, look at those idiots fishing in the rain."


Golf Lessons

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club.
The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.

The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."

The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's penis"

She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."


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