A German guy, A polish guy and an Italian guy are all on their lunchbreaks.
The German guy opens his lunchbox, and he sees that he got bratwurst.
He said "Bratwurst again! I get bratwurst everyday.
If I get bratwurst again I'm gonna jump off a bridge!"
The Italian guy opens his lunchbox and sees that he got pasta.
He said "Pasta again! I get pasta everyday. If I get pasta again I'm gonna jump off a bridge!"
Then the polish guy opened his lunchbox and saw that he got Halushki.
He said "Halushki again! I get halushki everyday. If I get halushki again I'm gonna jump off a bridge!"
Sure enough, the next day they got bratwurst, pasta, and halushki.
They then jumped off the bridge together and they died.
At their funeral, their wives were very distraught and they were sobbing.
The German guy's wife said "If I would've known that he was gonna jump off that bridge, I would have never made him bratwurst."
Then the Italian guy's wife said "if I would've known that he was gonna jump off the bridge I would have never made him pasta."
Then the Polish guy's wife stopped crying, and looked very seriously at the other two and said,
Wait a minute! My husband packs his own lunch!"
Benign.........................What you be after you be eight
Artery.........................The study of paintings
Bacteria......................Back door to cafeteria
Barium........................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan......................Searching for kitty
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her
Colic............................A sheep dog
Coma...........................A punctuation mark
D & C ........................Where Washington is
Dilate..........................To live long
Enema.........................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula..........................A small lie
Genital........................Non Jewish person
G.I. Series...................World series of military baseball
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known Labor
Pain..............................Getting hurt at work
Medical staff...............A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................Higher offer than I bid
Nitrates........................Cheaper than day rates
Node.............................Was aware of
Outpatient...................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear....................A fatherhood test
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative.............A letter carrier
Recovery room.............Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................Damn near killed him
Tablet...........................A small table
Terminal illness...........Getting sick at the airport
Tumor...........................More than one
Urine............................Opposite of you're out
Varicose........................Near by / close by
A Chinese couple had a new baby.
The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new child and says, "I think we will
name him "Sum Ting Wong."
2 cowboys are riding through the desert.
They come upon an Indian lying on his back with an erection.
One cowboy asks him what he's doing and the Indian says me tellum time.
The cowboy then asks him what time it is and he replies it is 7 minutes past 1.
The cowboys just shrug their shoulders and ride off.
A few miles later they come across another Indian with an erection.
They ask him are you telling time too?
The Indian states yes it is 15 minutes after 3.
Alittle bit further on they come across another Indian laying on his back masturbating.
They say don't tell us that you are telling time too!
And the Indian says "no, me windum watch!
A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to.
Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says "No, my father said I don't have to do this."
Her husband says "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul.
He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole.
It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
(Submitted by Kathy)
There was this Mexican lady in the grocery store digging through the ice cream freezer
and making a mess of all the cartons.
The store manager noticed this and asked: "Lady can I help you find something."
She asked in a heavy accent: "Do you have the chocolate ice cream in the half gallon cartons?"
He replied: "No mam, we are all out of chocolate ice cream."
She proceeded to dig into the smaller cartons.
He asks her again: "Lady can I help you find something else?"
She asks: "Do you have the chocolate ice cream in the Dixie Cups?"
Ha answered some what perturbed: "NO mam, I told you we are all out of chocolate ice cream, we don't have any chocolate ice cream at all."
She then continued, un-ruffled, to look through the ice cream.
He lost it! And shouted: "Lady what are you looking for?"
She said: "Do you have the chocolate ice cream on the stick?"
He freaks out. And asks: " Lady do you know how to spell VAN as in vanilla?"
She says: "Si, V-A-N"
Ha asks: "Do you know how to spell STRAW as in strawberry?"
She says: "Si, S-T-R-A-W."
He asks: "Do you know how to spell FREAK as in chocolate?"
She replies innocently: "There is no freak in chocolate."
Then he screams: " THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"
(Submitted by Tara)
Answer True or False to the following statements.
1. A clitoris is a type of flower? T or F
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit? T or F
3. A spread eagle is an extinct bird? T or F
4. A menstrual cycle has three wheels? T or F
5. A G-string is part of a violin? T or F
6. Semen is a term for sailors? T or F
7. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly?" T or F
8. Testicles are found on an octopus? T or F
9. Asphalt describes rectal troubles? T or F
10. KOTEX is a radio station in Texas? T or F
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish? T or F
12. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke?" T or F
13. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute? T or F
14. A condom is a large apartment complex? T or F
15. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church? T or F
16. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry? T or F
17. An enema is someone who is not your friend? T or F
18. Scrotum is a small planet next to Uranus? T or F
19. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East? T or F
20. An erection is what they use to vote for a new president
If you answered true to any of the above... Congratulations you must be Polish
(Submitted by daisy)
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is Masturbating in this restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED."
The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.
They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.
"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."
The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette.
If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'II show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in.
"You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said. "That doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
A Jewish father was approached by his eldest son.
Father, I am going to marry!
The father begins to dance with joy and sings Hava Nagila...
Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl? Ask's the father.
What is her name?
O'Brien replies the son... She's Catholic...
Oy! says the father.... But are you happy?
I'm happy, says the son.
My blessings to you both.
But the father is still counting on his remaining two sons
To marry within the Jewish faith.
The second son calls on his father the next evening,
Father I too will be married soon!
Again, he breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises...
What is her name asks the father?
Kazalopodopolous, says the son. She's Greek Orthodox...
Oy, says the father... But are you happy?
I'm happy, father...
OK... then you, too have my blessing.
Dejected, The father goes to the Temple to pray.
Please God... let my remaining son marry a nice Jewish girl...
To raise nice Jewish children in your eyes... PLEASE!
The third son comes to his father excitedly and exclaims,
Father! I am to wed in the spring!
HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME his father immediately demands?
Goldberg! Say's the son.
Father is beside himself with joy! Praise God! Praise the Prophets!
He asks, is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelly, from Los Angeles?
No. say's the son
Hmmm, Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?
Ah...no, father says the son.
Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?
The youngest son replies, " Whoopi "
(Submitted by EG)
WHEN YOU HAVE
WHEN YOU HAVE
(Submitted by Julio)
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did
you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what
school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what
year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders
a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's
going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
(Submitted by Marion)
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.
On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled,
"Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi.
Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled,
"Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi.
For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled,
"Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet.
And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was $300.00
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver turned around and yelled back,
"Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
(Submitted by Kristal)
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct
to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked,
"How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya?
Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the
exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I tink she gonna poison me!"
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to
laugh out loud. The immigrant became a bit irate and said,
"What so funny?
Can't you see the label on bottle said ..........'Polish Remover'?"
(Submitted by Marion)
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California, when all of a
sudden he gets cut off. He calls the operator and hollers, "Operator, giff
me beck the party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "What do you want from, my life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in
you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later, he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys
standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But, if you'd
like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the
telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28?
Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone
and shove it in you-know-vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Vell, get ready - dey're bringin' it to ya!
(Submitted by EG)
Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village together.
They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just
down the street from one another.
But now, Murphy was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends.
He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brian. I 'ave a request forb ye."
O'Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down.
"O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere.
I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey
in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was.
After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine
whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to
enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request.
"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey.
But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
(Submitted by Bruce)
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where
I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one.
At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another
drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar,
but where I come from, there's a better one.
Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's.
At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.
You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great?
Where I come from,there's this place, Warshowski's.
At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink,
they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink,
and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic!
Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replied the Polock, "but it happened to my sister!"
Q; What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A; There's on less drunk ant an Irish funeral
There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic".
Some have just come to light, due to the success of the recent movie.
For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment, scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico. Which was to be the next port of
call, for the great ship after New York City.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were sad at the loss.
So much so, that they declared a national day of mourning, which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
You know your from New Jersey if you recognize or
can relate to at least 10 of these...
You've been seriously injured at Action Park.
You know that the only people who call it "Joisey"
are from New York(usually The Bronx)or Texas.
You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges."
You know that it's called "Great Adventure," not "Six Flags."
You've ordered a hard roll with butter for breakfast.
You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.
You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 am.
Whenever you park, there's a Camaro within three spots of you.
You remember that the "Two Guys" were from Harrison.
You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.
At least three people in your family still love
Bruce Springsteen, and you know what town Jon Bon Jovi is from.
You know what a "jug handle" is.
You know that a WaWa is a convenience store.
You know that the state isn't all farmland.
You know that there are no "beaches" in new Jersey -
there's "The Shore," and you know that the road to the shore is "The
Parkway" not "The Garden State Highway."
You know that "Piney" isn't referring to a tree.
Even your school cafeteria made good Italian subs,
and, you call it a "sub" not a "submarine sandwich" or worse yet, a "hoagy"
or a "hero."
You remember the song from the Palisades Park commercials.
You know how to properly negotiate a Circle.
You knew that the last question had to do with driving.
You know that "Acme" is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
You know that this is the only "New..." state that doesn't require "New" to
identify it (like, try ...Mexico, ...York, ...Hampshire(doesn't work, does it?).
You know how to translate this conversation: "Jeet yet?" "No, Jew?"
You only go to New York City for day trips, and you only call it "The City."
You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a
fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.
You consider a corned beef sandwich with lettuce and mayo a sacrilege.
In the 80's you wore your hair REALLY high.
You don't think "What exit" (do you live near?) is very funny.
You know that the real first "strip shopping center"
in the country is Route 22.
You know that people from 609 area code are "a little different."
You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to
Princeton - that's for out-of-staters.
The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar.
You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.
You can see the Manhattan skyline from some part of your town.
You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.
Every year, you had at least one kid in your class named Tony.
You know where every "clip" shown in the Sopranos opening credits is.
You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook Mall.
You've eaten a Boardwalk cheesesteak with vinegar fries.
You have a favorite Atlantic City casino.
You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.
You've never pumped your own gas.
An Italian, an American, and a Polack were captured by the French for
various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine. The executioner places the
Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words.
The Italian replies, "I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live."
They drop the blade it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck.
Amazed, the French let him go.
Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final words.
He replies, "In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy."
They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck.
In disbelief, they let him go free.
Then the Polack is placed on the block, and they ask if he has any last words.
He says, "Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope."
At the urinal, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy
were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished zipped up and started washing
and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows.
He used about 20 paper towels before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented,
"I graduated from the University of Texas
and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up quickly, wet his
fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented,
"I graduated from the University of Nebraska
and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the
door he said, "I graduated from Texas A&M University
and they taught us not to piss on our hands."
Submitted by Kayleen
An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father
says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?"
Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a
Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!"
Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such
a fat-a fuck?"
Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a
eating it, it's-a so good."
Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites."
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Vinny! How you-a stay
so slim-a and-a trim-a."
Vinny says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy."
Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!"
Vinny says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"
Once upon a time, a powerful shogun of the Rising
Sun advertised for a new chief samurai. After one year,
however, only three men had applied for the job _ _ _
a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" the shogun commanded,
addressing the three together.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward and bowed.
Then he opened a small box releasing a tiny fruit fly.
He brandished his sword and in the blink of an eye
SWOOSH! The fly fell to the floor severed neatly in two.
"Very impressive," said the shogun. "Next!"
The Chinese samurai stepped forward, but did not bow.
He too produced a small box which, when opened,
released a tsetse fly. He unveiled his sword and in
less than the blink of an eye _ _ _ SWOOSH! SWOOSH!
_ _ _ The fly fell to the floor expertly halved and quartered.
"Stupendous! Marvelous!!" cried the shogun. Looking
toward the Jewish samurai he asked, "How will you top that?"
The Jewish samurai stepped forward and produced a
small brown paper bag. He unfolded the top and out flew
three ordinary, everyday flies. He drew an immense sword
and in less time than it takes to even think about blinking
one's eye he flourished his sword so mightily _ _ _ SWOOSH!
SWOOSH! SWOOSH! _ _ _ That a gust of wind blew through the room.
But the flies _ _ the flies _ _ were still buzzing about!
The shogun collected himself and then, in disappointment
and with a touch of sarcasm in his voice, he said, "You
call that skill? Why, not one of the three flies is even dead!"
The Jewish samurai turned to face the shogun. He made
a deep and respectful bow and then, upon rising, he said,
"Dead, Schmed. Dead is easy. I circumcised all three of them.
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.
When does a boy become a man in Iraq?
When his diaper moves from his ass to his head.