Dating Jokes

  • The Unsuccesful Date
  • The Great Date
  • First Date
  • Are You Always This Nice
  • Ed Zachary Disease
  • Shy Guy
  • The Date
  • Havng My Baby?
  • Train
  • In Your Dreams
  • Provide
  • New Names
  • Blind Date
  • The Dorm
  • Pick up Lines
  • PS.
  • Clock Shop


    The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.
    They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel.
    The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
    "I wanna be weighed," she said.

    So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
    "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

    Next they rode the roller coaster.
    After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
    "I wanna be weighed," she said.

    "I really latched onto a square one tonight," thought the young man,
    and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

    The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,
    "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

    "Wousy," said the girl.

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    The Great Date

    These three teenage girls were roommates.

    One Friday night right after the semester started they all had
    all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

    The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face,
    "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

    The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing!
    You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

    The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes.
    Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall,
    where they stuck with a loud thud!

    She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"

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    First Date

    There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she
    told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me
    tell you about those young boys.

    He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't
    let him do that.

    He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that
    but, don't let him do that.

    He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going
    to like that but, don't let him do that.

    But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have
    his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it
    will disgrace the family.

    With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could
    not wait to tell her grandmother about it .

    So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like
    she said.

    But she said grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When
    he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.

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    Are You Always This Nice

    A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table.

    He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

    Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man.

    With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air. "Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

    They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.

    They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.

    The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

    The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

    "No, she replied.... You just happened to catch my eye!"

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    Ed Zachary disease

    A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor sex, in quite some time.

    She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical
    expertise of a sex therapist.

    Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist.

    Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all crose."

    So she did.

    "Now, get down on all fours and crawl reery fass to the other side of room."

    So, she did.

    Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me," so she did.

    Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad.
    You haf Ed Zachary Disease... worse case I ever see...that why you not haf sex or dates."

    Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

    Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your Ass."

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    A very shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

    After an hour of summoning up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,

    "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

    She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!"

    Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

    Naturally, the guy is completely and hopelessly embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

    After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

    She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a PhD student in psychology at Royal Holloway, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

    To which he responds, at the top of his voice, "What do you mean 500dollars?!"

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    A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

    "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

    After, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

    "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

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    Having My Baby?


    A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

    "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

    "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife

    "No, no boyfriend either."

    "Do you have a partner then?"

    "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

    After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
    "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

    "Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

    "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

    "Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

    "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

    "Well, yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

    At this the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the ass.
    The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

    "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

    "Well," says the girl, extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

    (Submitted by Lee Ann)

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    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

    After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep.

    The woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

    In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket

    The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married.

    "Why not," giggles the woman.

    "Good", he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

    (submitted by Diane)

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    In Your Dreams


    A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island.
    As he washes ashore, he sees a woman passed out in the sand.
    Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life.

    Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.

    Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks
    go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
    True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.

    Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's
    the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life
    together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong?
    Is there anything I can do?"

    He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting
    on my shirt and pants?"

    "Sure," she says," if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and
    pants and she puts it on.

    "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache
    on your face?" he asks.

    "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.

    Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of
    the island?"

    She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He
    sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around
    the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her
    by the shoulders, and says,

    "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

    (Submitted by TM Barnett)

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    A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents.
    After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
    The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

    "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

    "I am a Torah scholar." he replies.

    "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says.
    "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house
    for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

    "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

    "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,
    such as she deserves?" asks the father.

    "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

    "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

    "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.

    The conversation proceeds like this and each time the
    father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

    Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
    The father answers, "He has no job and no plans,
    but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

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    New Names

    Some people are sitting at a party, when one guy says,
    "Hi! My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."
    A guy asks, "What's that?"
    Larry replies, "That means I am a Single New Age Guy."

    The guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK."
    A lady asks, "What's that?"
    Gary replies, "That means I am a Double Income No Kids."

    The lady says, "That's nice. My name is Trixie, and I am a WIFE.
    Larry asks, "A WIFE? What's with that?"
    Trixie replies, "Oh you know, "Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

    (Submitted by Lee Ann)

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    Blind Date

    Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the
    evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more.
    After some really passionate embracing, he said,
    "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

    "That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.

    "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed.

    "No, silly!" she giggled. "Never objected!"

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    The Dorm

    On the first day of college, the Dean addressed
    the students,pointing out some of the rules:

    "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all
    male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
    Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
    He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
    time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you
    a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

    At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
    "How much for a season pass?"

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    Pick up Lines

    1. Hi, I need your help! My mom says that if I don't get a date by tomorrow,
    she's putting me up for adoption.

    2. Baby, I'm an American Express lover.... you shouldn't go home without me!

    3. Help the homeless. Take me home with you.

    4. Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room"
    and the grand prize is a night with me!

    5. Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?

    6. How do you like your eggs cooked? Why?
    Well I just wanted know what to make for you in the morning!

    7. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

    8. Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've broken the ice, lets talk"

    9. The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.

    10. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

    11. Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

    12. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

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    I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your marriage with my
    daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I sometimes forget how
    backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my
    senses, and you have my full blessings to marry my daughter.

    Your future father-in-law,
    Irving Shwarts

    P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

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    Clock Shop

    A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop.
    While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk
    behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing,
    unzips his pants, flops his penis out and places it on the counter.

    "What are you doing, Sir?" she asks. "This is a clock shop."

    He replied, "I know it is and I would like you to put 2 hands and a face on this!"

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