Computer Jokes

  • Mouse Balls
  • Computer Gender
  • Eleven Reasons E-mail Is Like A Penis
  • Virus Alert
  • Newly Identified Viruses
  • Roses
  • AOL Sucks
  • Help Line
  • Gates VS. GM
  • Wife 1.0
  • The All Night Mistress
  • Flying in Seattle
  • Copmputer Problems: password

  • Mouse Balls

    "If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

    "Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

    "It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

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    Computer Gender

    A minister of one church, who was previously a sailor, was very aware
    that ships are addressed as "she" and "her".

    He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.

    To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

    The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.

    Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be

    referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender.

    They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

    The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the
    masculine gender because:

    1. In order to get their attention; you have to turn them on.

    2. They have a lot of data, but are still having to be told exactly
    what to do.

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
    they are the problem.

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited
    a little longer you could have had a better model.

    The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be
    referred to in the feminine gender because:

    1. No one but their Creator understands their internal logic.

    2. The language they use to communicate with each other is
    incomprehensible to everyone else.

    3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
    memory for later retrieval.

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
    spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    5. The younger ones tend to be faster and less bulky.

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    Eleven Reasons E-mail Is Like A Penis

    1. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

    2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

    3. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not
    worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

    4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon
    psychologists call e-mail Envy.

    5. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

    6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.
    Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

    7. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
    (Only if you run an attached EXECUTABLE program - LadyHawke)

    8. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

    9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
    size and influence warrant.

    10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

    11. If you play with it too much, you may go blind....

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    Virus Alert

    If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Don't open it.

    Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

    It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

    It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

    It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all you rice cream melts and your milk curdles.

    It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

    This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

    It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

    Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

    It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

    It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

    It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

    It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

    If the "Bad times" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

    It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

    It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

    It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

    It is insidious and subtle.

    It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

    These are just a few signs of infection.


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    Newly Identified Viruses

    Lewinsky Virus:
    Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
    Then e-mails everyone about what it did.

    Kenneth Starr Virus:
    Completely examines every aspect of your computer.
    Then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.

    Ronald Reagan Virus:
    Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

    Mike Tyson Virus:
    Quits after two bytes then spits everything out.

    Oprah Winfrey Virus:
    Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

    Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus:
    Deletes all old files.

    Ellen Degeneres Virus:
    Disks can no longer be inserted.

    Titanic Virus:
    Your whole computer goes down.

    Disney Virus:
    Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

    Prozac Virus:
    Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

    Joey Buttafuoco Virus:
    Only attacks minor files.

    Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
    Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.

    The Lorena Bobbit Virus:
    Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

    Viagra Virus:
    Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

    Clinton Virus:
    Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

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    I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

    As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet,
    a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

    I'm sorry, the clerk said. This man just ordered our last bunch.

    The desperate customer turned to me and begged, May I please have those roses?
    What happened? I asked. Did you forget your wedding anniversary?
    It's even worse than that, he confided. I crashed my wife's hard drive.

    (submitted by Tara)

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    AOL Sucks

    Someone subscribing to AOL once said:

    Who needs cyber sex, AOL goes down on me all the time.

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    Help Line

    This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line.

    Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however,

    the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause".

    This is from the taped conversation leading up to the dismissal:

    "WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

    "What sort of trouble?"

    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

    "Went away?"

    "They disappeared."

    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"



    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

    "How do I tell?"

    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

    "What's a sea-prompt?"

    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

    "There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

    "What's a monitor?"

    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

    Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

    "I don't know."

    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.

    Can you see that?"

    "Yes, I think so."

    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

    "Yes, it is."

    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
    plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


    Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

    "Okay, here it is."

    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

    "I can't reach."

    "Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"


    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."


    "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

    "Well, turn on the office light then."

    "I can't."

    "No? Why not?"

    "Because there's a power outage."

    "A power . . . A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
    Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    "Good. Go get them, and unplug you system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

    "Really? Is it that bad?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

    "Tell them you're too &*%^$% stupid to own a computer."

    (Submitted by SANDI)

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    Gates VS. GM

    At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

    "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    * For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

    * Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

    * Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

    * Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    * Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

    * Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

    * The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

    * New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

    * The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

    * Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. (Control, Alt, Delete)

    * GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

    * Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    * You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

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    Wife 1.0


    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0
    and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that
    took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this
    phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

    In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
    launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

    Applications such as Poker night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run,
    crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife1.0
    from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but
    uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

    Sincerely, Jonathan Powell

    Dear Mr. Powell:

    This is a very common problem men complain about, but it is mostly due
    to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to
    Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

    Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

    WARNING! DO NOT TRY TO uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the
    system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.
    Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive.

    Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.

    Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs. This can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

    Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand.

    Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest

    you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all
    responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.

    The best course of action will be to push apologize button, then reset button as soon as lockup occurs The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

    Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 would be:
    1. Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
    2. Frequently use Communicator 5.0

    Sincerely, Tech Support

    (Submitted by EG)

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    The All Night Mistress


    An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are
    discussing the merits of a mistress.

    The artist tells of the passion, the thrill that comes
    with the risk of being discovered.

    The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt,
    divorce, and bankruptcy. It's not worth it. There are too many problems.

    The computer scientist says,
    "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
    My wife thinks I'm with my mistress.
    My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife,
    and I can spend all night on the computer!"

    (Submitted by Reba)

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    Flying in Seattle

    A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank.
    He's completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building.
    He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.

    "Excuse me!" he yells.

    "Where am I?" "You're in a helicopter," she replies.

    The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then
    does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.

    "That was amazing!" says a passenger. "How did you know from her answer where you were?"

    "Easy," says the pilot. "Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless.

    So I immediately knew I was at Microsoft Tech Support."

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    Computer Problems: password

    I was helping someone set up his computer, and he
    wanted to log in with a password.

    Now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious
    attitude and goes for the shock effect... so when
    the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "PENIS".

    I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:

    (Submitted by Sharon)

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