There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk,
I mean really, really, really drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.
"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
(submitted by deb)
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
What's all the screaming about in there?
You're scaring my customers!"
The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door and looks in.
You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!
A fellow decides to take off early from work and
go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at
which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his
house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off
his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and
lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had
couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and
they broke, and the broken glass carved up his
buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't
know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was
undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out
in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up
something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as
best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his
rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the
covers trying to think up some good story, when
his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I
stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied,
"You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I
got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids
stuck to the mirror."
(Submitted by Reba)
Starkle starkle little twink
Who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
But the drunker I stand here
The longer I get
Just give me one more drink
To fill me cup
'Cuz I got all day sober
To Sunday up
A guy walks into a bar and sits down.
He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand,
then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.
Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood
and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech.
I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where is the men's room?"
The bartender directs him to the men's room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.
The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall.
His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
(Submitted by Tara)
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes It's a gay bar.
But what the heck, he says, I really want a drink.
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer,
What's the name of your penis?
The customer says, Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.
The gay waiter says I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until
you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance, is called Nike, for the slogan
'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers
because 'It Really Satisfies,'
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer,
Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?
The man looks back and says with a smile, TIMEX.
The thirsty customer asks, Why Timex? The fella proudly replies, Cause it takes
a lickin' and keeps on tickin!
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, So, what do you call your penis? The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, FORD, because Quality is Job 1. Then he adds, Have you driven a Ford lately?
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,
The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer.
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, Why Secret? The customer says,
Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk,
and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a
belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely
informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to
drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and
could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs
down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few
minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the
bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The
bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses
service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a
cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses,
and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and
shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK
door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits
and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and
emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be
served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries, "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
(Submitted by deb)
Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink.
His wife starts complaining you never take me anywhere anymore.
After hours of complaining the husband agrees to take his wife to
the pub. They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get
drinks for him and his wife.
While he was gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her he wants to
turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry. Joe's wife
exclaims, "you sick pervert get out of my sight."
Joe returned and his wife told him what happened and to go kick that
Joe said, "No way you don't mess with a guy who can drink that much beer".
(Submitted by Marion)
A man in a bar says to a woman, "If I can name three parts of your
body that are cities in NJ, you have to have sex with me."
The woman says, "Ok, you're on."
The man rubs his chin, smiles, points to her breasts and says, "Point Pleasant."
The woman looks at her breast, smiles and says, "Ahh, very good. What else?"
The man scratches his head, walks around her, looks at her buttocks and says,
The woman, a little offended but still with a sense of humor smiles and says,
"Ok, you got two, what's the third?"
The man walks around the front of her, looks towards her zipper on her jeans and
says, "There, Cherry Hill."
With this the woman's mouth opens wide, she laughs and says,
"Honey, that used to be Cherryhill, but now it's Eatontown!"
(Submitted by EG)
A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar, sat a small cardboard box
on the bar, and ordered a beer.
When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench
and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer.
When the beer came, he reached into the box,
pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, "PLAY".
The frog immediately began to play the piano.
It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz.
The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box
and pulled out a little white mouse.
He set this mouse on top of the piano and said "SING".
The frog began to play the piano
and the mouse began to sing, first some 'oldies but goodies', then all of the current favorites.
A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the man and offered
to buy this little outfit that the man had.
After a bit of negotiating, the man drunk agreed to sell it to the man for $500.
The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door
before the drunk could change his mind.
The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk "You damned old fool!
You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!"
The drunk laughed heartily and replied "I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is.
Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?"
The bartender responded "What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!"
"The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend ", chuckled the drunk.
"That mouse can't sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!"
25 Signs that you may have had too much to drink.
1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3.) Job interfering with you're drinking.
4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5.) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8.) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9.) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10.) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15.) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17.) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19.) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20.) Roseanne looks good.
21.) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23.) Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24.) "I'm as jober as a sudge."
25.) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate."
PLEASE READ THIS, IT'S IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL
GUYS THAT GO TO CLUBS OR BARS AND DRINK.
The DEA issued an announcement today warning all men to be more alert
and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. Research, through a
major federal grant, has identified the first date-rape drug directed toward men.
The drug is called beer, but it also goes by the street names of:"MGD",
"the silver bullet", "bud" and "brewskie". So far it has only been found in a
liquid form. The drug is dark brown to light amber in color with carbonated
foam when poured. Beer has a fairly acrid taste but is apparently highly addictive.
Recent cases have shown that the drug is now being used by female sexual
predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
Like other date-rape drugs, "ecstasy" and GHB, the drug is sometimes
taken intentionally by people at parties to sample the mood altering aspect of
the drug. However, female sexual predators have discovered a more sinister
use of the drug. These women will offer to buy an unsuspecting man a beer or
two and then simply ask the guy home for sex. Men are literally rendered
helpless against such attacks.
A common side affect apparently is amnesia; when confronted by wives and
girlfriends, victims claim to have no memory of the incident. While the drug
and its side effects have been known for centuries, there has been little effort
to ban the drug. What's really shocking is that beer is available virtually anywhere!
This is attributed to the fact that men are in the majority of all state and the federal legislatures.
Please! Forward this to everyone you know.