Kids Say The Darndest Things!

  • Up Stairs
  • Be Careful
  • What is Sex
  • Big Words
  • The Thunderstorm
  • Fire Truck
  • Legs
  • Report Card
  • The 3 Little Pigs
  • Go Fly A Kite
  • Shopping
  • Caught Masturbating
  • The Baptism
  • Manners
  • Beneath the blanket
  • (3) Cute
  • 1st Hunting Trip
  • Fire Truck
  • Twinkies
  • Q & A
  • Decent Burial
  • Santa, a kid and a cop
  • Breakfast
  • Gifts
  • Duck Hunting
  • Frogs/Florida
  • The Whole Truth
  • Makin Babbies
  • Makin Puppies
  • Fingers
  • Magazine
  • Chicken Feathers
  • Animals
  • Rushing to the Bank
  • Barbie
  • Flat Tummy
  • Cat

  • Up Stairs

    These 2 little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with
    their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a
    nod towards upstairs.

    The father "gets" the message, and they both
    get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the 2
    boys and says

    We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and
    watch TV We'll be right back, O.K.?

    The 2 boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs.

    The older of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now,
    and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.

    At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and
    shakes his head.
    He goes downstairs and says "Follow Me.
    and the two little boys tip toe up the stairs.

    Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says,

    Now, I want you to keep in mind,
    this is the same woman who used to yell at us for sucking our thumb!

    to top

    Be Careful

    Two 5-year-old boys were talking:

    Jeff - I have to go to the hospital tomorrow for surgery.

    David - What for?

    Jeff - To be circumcised.

    David - Uh oh, you had better be careful.
    I was circumcised when I was 2 days old and I could not walk for a year.

    to top

    What is Sex

    An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She
    asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

    The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
    decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old
    enough to get a straight answer.

    He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he
    finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth
    hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

    The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be
    ready in just a couple of secs."

    to top

    Big Words

    The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to
    first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
    insisted on no baby talk. " You need to use ' big people' words"
    she'd always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done
    over the weekend.

    " I went to visit my Nana"

    "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words|"

    She then asked Joey what he had done.

    "I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said

    "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words"

    She then asked Eddie what he had done

    "I read a book" he replied.

    "That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

    Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great
    pride and said " Winnie The Shit."

    to top

    The Thunderstorm

    One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
    tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light
    when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep
    with me tonight?"

    The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"
    she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was
    broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

    to top

    Fire Truck

    A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
    wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
    zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
    fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

    The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

    "They use him to keep crowds back," said one

    "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

    A third child brought the argument to a close.
    "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find
    the fire hydrant."

    to top


    One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles,
    lying dead with its legs up in the air.

    She asked, "Daddy, Daddy, why is Muffles legs in the air?"

    Thinking quickly, her daddy replied,

    "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."

    The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said,
    "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."

    Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?"

    And Susie said, "Well, Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming
    'Oh Jesus, I'm coming I'm coming'.
    And if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."

    to top

    Report Card

    A little girl and her mother were shopping.
    The girl asked her mother, "How old are you?"
    Mommy says, "Honey women don't talk about their age you'll learn later on in life."
    Then the girl asks, "Mommy how much do you weigh?"
    Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, You'll find out
    when you are grown up."
    The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks,
    "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says,
    "Honey that's a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

    The little girl is frustrated.
    She tells her girlfriend about her and her mothers conversation.
    The girlfriend says "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license.
    it's just like a report card, it will tell you everything."

    The little girl and her mother were shopping again.
    The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.
    Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"
    The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh.
    You weigh 120 pounds."
    The mother is flabbergasted. She asks," Where did you learn that?"
    The little girl says, "I just know and I know why you and daddy got a divorce.
    You got an 'F' in sex."

    to top

    The 3 Little Pigs

    One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the
    teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.

    She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
    acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig
    went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me
    sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"

    Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man
    said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!
    He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"

    (Joke submitted by Reba) on 5/7/99

    to top

    Go Fly A Kite

    A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

    Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.

    This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the
    front door and yells, "You need more tail".

    The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother.

    I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"

    (Submitted on 05/15/99

    to top

    Father and Son Go Shopping

    A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.

    The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

    The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack?
    That's for when you're in high school.
    You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

    The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?"

    The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college.
    You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

    Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for.

    The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married.
    You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for..."

    (submitted by Samantha) on 05/27/99

    to top

    Caught Mastrubating

    A father catches his son masturbating.

    He says, "Don't do that, son, or you'll go blind."

    The kid says, "Dad, I'm over here."

    (Submitted on 06/22/99)

    to top

    The Baptism

    A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter.

    As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

    During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant.

    The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

    With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked:

    "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

    to top



    Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he
    told me to give up my seat to a lady.

    Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.

    Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

    to top

    Beneath the blankets


    Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
    "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

    "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

    "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

    "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

    "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib
    and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's
    crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of
    minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little
    girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

    "You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

    "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties
    and I've got blue ones.

    (Shame on you for thinking naughty.)
    (Submitted by Kristal)

    to top


    A four-year girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer.
    She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.
    She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail.


    A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the
    left was on the right foot. "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
    He looked up at her with a raised brow and said,
    "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

    A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and
    began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal
    crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are
    you doing?" his mother asked. " The box says you can't eat them
    if the seal is broken."

    The boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."


    (Submitted by Kristal)

    to top

    1st Hunting Trip

    A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
    The father said, "Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field"

    A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
    back to his son asking "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

    The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across
    my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

    But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should
    we eat them here or take them with us?' ...I Panicked!"

    (Submitted by Marion)

    to top

    Fire Truck

    One day a fireman at a fire station looked across the street and saw a
    little boy with a red wagon. The boy had tied ladders to the side of the
    wagon, a garden hose situated in the wagon, and had the wagon hitched to a
    dog. The fireman thought he'd do a little public relations work so he
    walked over to the boy.

    He said to the boy "What have you got here?"

    The boy replied "This is my fire truck, kind of like the one you ride in."

    "And a fine fire truck it is" said the fireman. The fireman then noticed
    that the boy had hitched the wagon to the dog by tying a rope around the
    dogs' testicles. The fireman said "Son, I think your dog would be able to
    pull your fire truck a little faster if you tied the rope to his collar."

    The boy said, "Maybe, but then I wouldn't have a siren."------------

    (Submitted by Marion)

    to top


    A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.
    She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake,
    while her dad gets his hair cut,

    The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
    get hair on your Twinkie."

    She says, "Yes, I know. I'm gonna get boobs someday too!"

    (Submitted by Kristal)

    to top

    Questions and Answers

    A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family
    when her young daughter walks in.

    The Child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from?"

    After thinking about it for a moment the mother says
    "Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.
    One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex."

    The child looks puzzled.

    The Mother continues.
    "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.
    That's how you get a baby, honey."

    The child replies "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your
    room you had daddy's penis in your mouth.
    What do you get when you do that?

    "The Mother says "Jewelry, dear."

    to top

    Decent Burial

    Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered
    over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
    he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

    "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
    just buried him."

    The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
    isn't it?"

    Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
    "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

    (Submitted by Ron)

    to top

    Santa, a kid and a cop

    On Christmas morning a cop on horse back is sitting at
    a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

    The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there.
    Did Santa bring that to you?"

    The kid says, "Yeah."

    The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."
    The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

    The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says,
    "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there.
    Did Santa bring that to you?"

    Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

    The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the
    dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

    to top


    A little boy came down to breakfast.

    Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
    "Not yet," said the little boy.
    His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

    Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and
    he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He
    goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast
    and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

    "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
    Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

    "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
    eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also
    saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

    Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as
    he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother
    with a smile, and says,

    "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

    (Submitted by) (Kristal)-(Marion)

    to top


    It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving
    gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it,
    held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is? Flowers." "That's
    right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

    The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her
    gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is? A box of
    sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a
    wild guess," said the teacher.

    The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held
    the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage
    with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No,"
    the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting
    a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy
    replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before
    declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied,

    "It's a puppy!"

    (Submitted by Marion)

    to top

    Duck Hunting

    One day a man was sitting on his front porch.
    A boy walks by with some duct tape.
    The man asks the boy what he is doing.
    "I'm going to catch some ducks." he says.
    "That'll never work" said the man, but the boy kept going.
    Later that day, the boy came back with twenty ducks tied up in tape.
    The man was amazed.

    The next day, the boy came back, this time with chicken wire.
    The man asked him what he is doing.
    "I'm going to catch some chickens." The boy says.
    "That'll never work." said the man, but the boy kept going.
    Later that day, the boy came back with twenty chickens caught in the wire.
    The man was amazed.

    The next day, the boy came back, this time with a stick.
    The man asked him what the stick was for.
    "This is a pussy willow." The boy said.
    "Hold on," said the man, "I'm coming with you."

    to top


    A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

    "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

    As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa,
    can you make a sound like a frog?"

    "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound
    like a frog."

    The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a
    sound like a frog?"

    Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you
    want me to make a sound like a frog?"

    And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when
    you croak, we're going to Florida!"

    (Submitted by Reba)

    to top

    The Whole Truth

    At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding
    at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
    them by saying, "I know the whole truth".

    The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he
    is greeted by his mother he says,
    "I know the whole truth."

    His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

    Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
    greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him
    $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees
    the mailman at his front door.
    The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops
    the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a big hug."

    to top

    Makin Babies

    A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
    "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
    The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully,
    "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
    "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.

    Submitted by Voni

    to top

    Makin Puppies

    A father and his son were walking down the street one
    day and they saw 2 dogs having sex in a yard.

    The son asked his father, "Daddy, what are they
    doing?" Thinking fast, the father said, "Well son,
    they are making puppies."

    Everything was okay for a couple of days. Then one
    afternoon the father was making love to his wife when
    the son walks in.

    The son asked, "Daddy, what are you doing?" Thinking
    fast the father said, Well son, we are making you a
    baby brother." The son thought for a moment then
    said, "Well, roll her over daddy I'd rather have a

    Submitted by Daisy

    to top


    As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
    was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
    she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

    Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
    fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!"
    pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

    When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
    at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

    I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"

    "Mommy, where's my booger?"

    to top


    One day Alex's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a S&M
    bondage magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine
    until his father got home. When Alex's father walked in the door, she
    irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in
    your son's closet." He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

    Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we
    do about this?" He looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think you should
    SPANK him!"

    to top

    Chicken Feathers

    A little boy and girl at school having lunch in the shelter shed.

    "Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."
    "Why?" he asked.

    "Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here,"
    she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

    "I don't believe you," he said, "you'll have to show me."

    Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.
    "Gee, you are right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also,
    perhaps I'm getting feathers too.

    " Well, I'd better have a look," she said.
    After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said,

    "Oh, I think it's to late for you Tommy,
    you've got the neck and giblets too."

    to top


    The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
    "A horsey," one child answers
    "And this?" the teacher asks
    "A piggy." replies another youngster.
    "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of
    a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.
    There was no answer, only total silence
    "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint:
    What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
    "I know! I know!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"

    to top

    Rushing to the Bank

    A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the
    situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a
    river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and
    yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and
    runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

    A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

    to top


    Did you hear about the little girl who asked Santa for a
    Barbie and a G.I. Joe for Christmas?

    "Oh, but Barbie comes with Ken", Santa said.

    "No" the little girl replied to Santa,
    "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe, she only fakes it with Ken!"

    to top

    Flat Tummy

    A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

    The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.

    She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

    The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

    The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to
    get on top of it to help flatten it."

    "You're wasting your time," said the boy.

    "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

    "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right
    back up."

    to top


    A little boy told his teacher he'd found a cat.
    She asked if it was dead or alive.
    "Dead," she was informed.
    "How do you know?" she asked.
    "Because I pissed in his ear and he didn't move," said the child innocently.
    "You did WHAT!", cried the teacher in surprise.
    "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssssst' in his ear and he didn't move"

    to top

    My Homepage| Page 1| Joke of the Day| Joke Archive| Awards & Links| FUN URLs|