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These 2 little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with
their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a
nod towards upstairs.
The father "gets" the message, and they both
get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the 2
boys and says
We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and
watch TV We'll be right back, O.K.?
The 2 boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs.
The older of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now,
and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.
At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and
shakes his head.
He goes downstairs and says "Follow Me.
and the two little boys tip toe up the stairs.
Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says,
Now, I want you to keep in mind,
this is the same woman who used to yell at us for sucking our thumb!
Jeff - I have to go to the hospital tomorrow for surgery.
David - What for?
Jeff - To be circumcised.
David - Uh oh, you had better be careful.
I was circumcised when I was
2 days old and I could not walk for a year.
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light
when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep
with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"
she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was
broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one
youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find
the fire hydrant."
One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles,
lying dead with its legs up in the air.
She asked, "Daddy, Daddy, why is Muffles legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, her daddy replied,
"This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said,
"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."
Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?"
And Susie said, "Well, Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming
'Oh Jesus, I'm coming I'm coming'.
And if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."
A little girl and her mother were shopping.
The girl asked her mother, "How old are you?"
Mommy says, "Honey women don't talk about their age you'll learn later on in life."
Then the girl asks, "Mommy how much do you weigh?"
Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, You'll find out
when you are grown up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks,
"Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says,
"Honey that's a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl is frustrated.
She tells her girlfriend about her and her mothers conversation.
The girlfriend says "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license.
it's just like a report card, it will tell you everything."
The little girl and her mother were shopping again.
The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.
Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"
The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh.
You weigh 120 pounds."
The mother is flabbergasted. She asks," Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know and I know why you and daddy got a divorce.
You got an 'F' in sex."
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the
teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig
went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me
sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man
said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!
He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"
(Joke submitted by Reba) on 5/7/99
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.
This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the
front door and yells, "You need more tail".
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother.
I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
(Submitted on 05/15/99
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack?
That's for when you're in high school.
You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?"
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college.
You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for.
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married.
You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for..."
(submitted by Samantha) on 05/27/99
A father catches his son masturbating.
He says, "Don't do that, son, or you'll go blind."
The kid says, "Dad, I'm over here."
(Submitted on 06/22/99)
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter.
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant.
The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked:
"Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"
09/02/99
Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he
told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
9/9/99
Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib
and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's
crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of
minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little
girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties
and I've got blue ones.
(Shame on you for thinking naughty.)
(Submitted by Kristal)
A four-year girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer.
She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.
She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail.
AMEN"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the
left was on the right foot. "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said,
"Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and
began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal
crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are
you doing?" his mother asked. " The box says you can't eat them
if the seal is broken."
The boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
(Submitted by Kristal)
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field"
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son asking "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across
my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should
we eat them here or take them with us?' ...I Panicked!"
(Submitted by Marion)
One day a fireman at a fire station looked across the street and saw a
little boy with a red wagon. The boy had tied ladders to the side of the
wagon, a garden hose situated in the wagon, and had the wagon hitched to a
dog. The fireman thought he'd do a little public relations work so he
walked over to the boy.
He said to the boy "What have you got here?"
The boy replied "This is my fire truck, kind of like the one you ride in."
"And a fine fire truck it is" said the fireman. The fireman then noticed
that the boy had hitched the wagon to the dog by tying a rope around the
dogs' testicles. The fireman said "Son, I think your dog would be able to
pull your fire truck a little faster if you tied the rope to his collar."
The boy said, "Maybe, but then I wouldn't have a siren."------------
(Submitted by Marion)
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake,
while her dad gets his hair cut,
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know. I'm gonna get boobs someday too!"
(Submitted by Kristal)
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family
when her young daughter walks in.
The Child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from?"
After thinking about it for a moment the mother says
"Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex."
The child looks puzzled.
The Mother continues.
"That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.
That's how you get a baby, honey."
The child replies "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your
room you had daddy's penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?
"The Mother says "Jewelry, dear."
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
(Submitted by Ron)
On Christmas morning a cop on horse back is sitting at
a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there.
Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there.
Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the
dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A little boy came down to breakfast.
Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and
he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He
goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast
and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also
saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as
he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother
with a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
(Submitted by) (Kristal)-(Marion)
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving
gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it,
held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is? Flowers." "That's
right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her
gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is? A box of
sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a
wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held
the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage
with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No,"
the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting
a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy
replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before
declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied,
"It's a puppy!"
(Submitted by Marion)
One day a man was sitting on his front porch.
A boy walks by with some duct tape.
The man asks the boy what he is doing.
"I'm going to catch some ducks." he says.
"That'll never work" said the man, but the boy kept going.
Later that day, the boy came back with twenty ducks tied up in tape.
The man was amazed.
The next day, the boy came back, this time with chicken wire.
The man asked him what he is doing.
"I'm going to catch some chickens." The boy says.
"That'll never work." said the man, but the boy kept going.
Later that day, the boy came back with twenty chickens caught in the wire.
The man was amazed.
The next day, the boy came back, this time with a stick.
The man asked him what the stick was for.
"This is a pussy willow." The boy said.
"Hold on," said the man, "I'm coming with you."
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa,
can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound
like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a
sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you
want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when
you croak, we're going to Florida!"
(Submitted by Reba)
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding
at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he
is greeted by his mother he says,
"I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him
$40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees
the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops
the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a big hug."
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully,
"That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.
A father and his son were walking down the street one
day and they saw 2 dogs having sex in a yard.
The son asked his father, "Daddy, what are they
doing?" Thinking fast, the father said, "Well son,
they are making puppies."
Everything was okay for a couple of days. Then one
afternoon the father was making love to his wife when
the son walks in.
The son asked, "Daddy, what are you doing?" Thinking
fast the father said, Well son, we are making you a
baby brother." The son thought for a moment then
said, "Well, roll her over daddy I'd rather have a
puppy!"
Submitted by Daisy
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
One day Alex's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a S&M
bondage magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine
until his father got home. When Alex's father walked in the door, she
irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in
your son's closet." He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we
do about this?" He looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think you should
SPANK him!"
A little boy and girl at school having lunch in the shelter shed.
"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."
"Why?" he asked.
"Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here,"
she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.
"I don't believe you," he said, "you'll have to show me."
Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.
"Gee, you are right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also,
perhaps I'm getting feathers too.
" Well, I'd better have a look," she said.
After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said,
"Oh, I think it's to late for you Tommy,
you've got the neck and giblets too."
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
"A horsey," one child answers
"And this?" the teacher asks
"A piggy." replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of
a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.
There was no answer, only total silence
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint:
What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the
situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a
river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and
yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and
runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
Did you hear about the little girl who asked Santa for a
Barbie and a G.I. Joe for Christmas?
"Oh, but Barbie comes with Ken", Santa said.
"No" the little girl replied to Santa,
"Barbie comes with G.I. Joe, she only fakes it with Ken!"
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to
get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right
back up."
A little boy told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked if it was dead or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear and he didn't move," said the child innocently.
"You did WHAT!", cried the teacher in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssssst' in his ear and he didn't move"
