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Monday, May 24th, 1999


Wow . . . I had a REAL weird dream last night. I dreamed I was in some kind of huge Gothic mansion somewhere near the ocean, and I seemed to be at some kind of soiree (can't get the symbol with the e with an accent over it). I was there at night. In this dream of mine, I was able to fly, but only if I MADE myself. I couldn't just go and fly off. But anyway, while I was at this party, I was with a group of very well groomed and good looking people, all dressed up pretty fancy. The thing was, we weren't human. We LOOKED it, but we had some weird-ass powers. One thing we could do was change into wolves, and another was that we had some kind of acidic-like or venomous spit, whereupon we would spit on a small animal and it would basically turn inside out. I know it's gross, but that's what happened in my dream when I spit on a little tiny rabbit. We all went out in the back where there was a pool and a poolhouse, and someone I knew spit in the pool, and it turned into an eel-like creature, swimming around. She dangled one leg in the pool, but I noticed it and yelled at her to take her foot out of the pool, because that eel creature was coming after her. I think in this dream you couldn't touch your own spit and that was why I warned her. Then there was a point in my dream where I was running down a road from the mansion, because something seemed to be chasing me. I jumped up onto a roof of someone's home, but I landed on a roof that you could open and close, and I happened to land right in the middle where the hinge was. I was very cautious, and made it over the roof. By the way, I was in human form at this time. Anyway, I made it onto the other side, and I was still being chased, and I found out I was being chased by a group of cats! Why the hell was I frightened by cats?? Back to the original thing . . . I somehow ended up in a bathroom somewhere, and I was still being tailed by those cats. I turned around and saw that a cat was coming near me, and I spit at the cat's feet, which made smoke come up from the ground, and the cat hissed at me and backed off. I saw that my only chance at escape was a small window in the shower. I pushed and pushed against it, and somehow I managed to squeeze out and escape. Then my dream ended and I woke up. I got out of bed and I felt like I was still in my dream when I went out into the hallway because it was dark and dreary. Freaked me out . . .


Saturday, November 6th, 1999


I wrote this one day because I was real frustrated with myself and with Mike.

Hi everyone, I would like to say hi and mention that I'm here to better myself and my well being, and just today actually I was SO stressed that I took it out on my loved one. I would like to share this e-mail with all of you so that you can get an idea of how I'm feeling. I'm going to try and organize everything together, as far as what I want to say. I know you said that you want to take care of your own things your own way and on your own time. That's fine. But I don't think that the way we dealt and talked about everything was good. We came up, or you came up actually, with a solution. I agreed to it mainly because that's how you want it to be, and because you don't want to listen to me get stressed out and bitch and complain. I don't understand how we couldn't compromise on this. It's not that I mind doing this. And I know you've told me over and over and over that you can't do it, and you don't feel well enough to do it. Maybe I didn't hear you right the times you've told me. I don't know honestly. But I feel like the way we worked things out tonight didn't really work it out in a good way. Maybe we could just make up a schedule, so we can have things planned, and do certain things on certain days, and have one of us doing those things on a day designated for us to do it. Does this make sense? I know I've said alot of the same words twice so I'm just making sure I can understand it all too. As far as the way I've been acting goes, and I'll say this to you in person too, later on, after work or sometime when we're not around everyone here, I shouldn't be acting like this, and I'm sorry for putting all of this on you. I let myself and I caused myself to become stressed out over little things that added up into one huge catastrophe, and look where it got me...Nowhere. It has caused you stress, and caused me stress, and caused enough stress to make the 2 of us not work things out very well. I just suck when it comes to stress. There are days when I wish I didn't have to do anything when I wake up, and I know I really don't have to, but I feel like I have to though, or else it won't be finished. There's days when I don't want to do any dishes, and I leave them all in the sink, and they get piled up, and I hope at those times you'd notice them, actually, no, wait, that's wrong. I should tell you. I shouldn't have to expect you to know that I want/need help with something like that. I can't speak with my mind, and when I'm quiet and I don't communicate with you, you don't know what's going on with me. This is something I need to work on for myself. I have no idea where to start or what to do, but eventually, and soon, I hope I'll figure it out. I know I can't start with anything or anyone but myself. I've been stressed about a lot of things lately, and right now, even though you probably don't need to know, I'm going to tell you what they are. Actually it's really not a lot but when it all adds up in my head it's pretty big. Chores- I know that you do your share, and when you do, I love it.. it takes off a huge weight off my back, and leaves me less stressed so I can get things done. It's the times when you wake up and you need to rest to feel better that I get stressed. I am not saying you're causing this, because I know that it's me. But I'm telling you about what I let stress me out. As I was saying... I do stuff around the apartment, clean up dishes,pick up a couple things here and there, and whatever else there is that I do. It's the times when I'm doing these and I see you wake up, sit down, and chat until 5pm that stresses me. But what's stupid is that I know that when you're doing your own thing, you like it, and it relaxes you. I know you want to be able to do all of this stuff I'm talking to you about. While I'm doing these things, I'm thinking to myself, I wish he would notice all this stuff I'm doing and offer to help sometime.. and then I think to myself that you can't help because you don't feel well when you wake up, and I shouldn't expect that of you either, because you've told me this repeatedly. At times I don't mind doing these chores. And I don't know why I let myself get stressed out over something I can't control. This is yet another thing I need to work on. Another thing I need to do for myself is to work out more and actually enjoy what I'm doing. I get stressed out because I feel like no matter what I do, I feel like it's going nowhere and it's going to take me forever and ever to get ahead somehow. As I said before, these aren't things that you have to do with as far as stress goes. These are my stresses, and I know that I've caused them. Sometimes it makes me feel better to tell someone (which I should do all the time anyway because I know that things would be better) how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way. You told me last night that I should talk to someone I trust the most, and I trust you the most. Something else I'd like to say is this. More then likely I said it already but I don't remember, and I'm too lazy to scroll up and look. I'm very sorry for putting you through everything *I* should be dealing with. I'm not dealing with my stress in an effective manner, and I need to start doing that soon, or else everything about me is going to be shot to hell. I don't want to get stressed out like this anymore and have it affect our relationship. It's not good for you and I as an individual, and it's not good for us as a couple. It's just not good period. I know this, too. I just finished reading over everything I've said. I made a couple changes and added a couple of sentences. Now that I've gotten to the end, my mind has slipped and forgotten what else I had wanted to say. Maybe it'll come back to me later on or something. I just hope that you understand why I sent you an e-mail. I mean, we're at work, and people are always saying not to bring personal business to work, so I guess that means it can't be spoken about in person around work here. I hope when there's WW3 that RCN is blown up. That was random. Anyway, I wrote this e-mail because I can't talk to you (right now at this moment) in person. I wish I could say things as well in person as I do when I write or type things out. Maybe I could work on that too.



Sunday, November 20th, 1999


Why is it that when I give out so much, and I ask for something in return, it's a hassle? Whatever happened to give and take, and not just give give give anymore? Now it's all about take take take and give once. Then after that one time it suddenly becomes a hassle? Especially since that one time was not asked for? He said I didn't take his time last night, and tonight he did say that I did. I don't get it. What did I do? He thinks I'm mad at him. I'm not mad, angry, sad, frustrated, or annoyed. I'm a little hurt, a little disappointed. Just to type a few words out, and it is important to me. It takes about four minutes. How hard is that? How long is four minutes really? Just add four minutes to your existing time, and you have your time back. I think it evens out rather well. You don't lose anything; in essence you've neither lost nor gained, but stayed the same. It's the principle of the thing.

Saturday, January 22, 2000


What I'd like to know is . . . why am I expected to do so much around here? I really don't like it how I'm expected to do the dishes, wash the clothes, cook the dinner, put everything away, BRING HIM his freakin food, and if it's not done the way HE likes it, he says I'm lazy . . . what the fuck?

Thursday, May 25, 2000


I have so much on my mind today. It's hard to sort them all out. I'm thinking about Florida and everything I miss about it, I'm thinking of the truck and everything Mike and I can do to it, and I'm thinking about how much the damn thing costs. I love it but the monthly payments are killing me even though we CAN afford it. I'm over with Mike at his dad's place right now, and I keep seeing FAMILIES everywhere. That starts me thinking, or wishing rather, about things that would make me so happy: Being Mike's wise is one . . . raising a family is another . . . and I see all these beautiful family homes and I wish I had that right now. I know in my heart I could be a wonderful mother. I also know that Mike would be a loving, caring father. I am SO READY for a married life and family. Mike has said he's in NO rush whatsoever to get married, and that kind of disappoints me. I kind of want to cry a little actually. I don't think I'm depressed at all, but just a little down in the dumps. This headache doesn't really help me much either. Mike wants to go shopping but I'm not in the mood really. I feel like just going home and relaxing. I hope Mike will move to Florida. I'm dying to go back, and he said we would go, but one day he told me that he thought he didn't like it here because he was sick. Now he's talking about how up here they have all the seasons, and down in Florida it's always summer or fall there. Sure I would miss the people here but my heart belongs in Florida.

Tuesday, June 27, 2000


Mike-


I will start from beginning to end. First will come what went on in my mind. Then the real stuff will start.
I saw the ad online, and thought to myself, I haven't had a credit card in years- everything's paid off, my credit should be pretty good to at least get a $500 limit. I applied for it online, waited for the instant credit thing to show up, and it said, no you'll have to know in 30 days. I waited, the letter came in the mail, sorry, can't do it, bad credit or past delinquincy accounts. I thought to myself, dammit. It's been like 2 or 3 years. How am I ever gonna start off with my credit again if I can't start at all? I tried again, and was denied many times. Little did I know that what they were doing was actually PROTECTING ME from what happened now.
I tried it again, and added your name on to it. *BOOM* You're approved, you can expect your new card to come in 3-4 weeks. Was I ever happy about it. A credit card, finally. Hadn't had one in ages. I thought to myself, I'm never gonna use it unless I need to in an emergency. I will never call and activate it. I will just keep it *just in case*. It should be fine this way.
This went on fine for a WEEK. I called and activated it. Then I put it back in my wallet, thinking the same thing again: I'm never gonna use it unless I need to in an emergency. I will just keep it *just in case*. I go to the grocery store and get groceries, "hm, there's a tape that would be really cool to get, let's go in and stop at strawberries." I'm walking around looking for a tape, oh here it is...ohh here's another one I like.. I shouldn't get it though... I don't wanna use this card all the time. Oh hell it's only a few bucks.. screw it. charge em.
Everywhere i go- god it would be so nice to have this...but I can't get it.. I don't wanna charge this up the ass...wow this looks great on me.. I really want it... I don't NEED it but I really want it. Oh hell this won't be much. Charge it.
Taking a look online at work at some nice things...god I'm bored.. let's go here and see what kind of things they have. Oh wow, this is pretty nice. Doesn't cost a lot either. I sit and think about it for a few more minutes. I REALLY SHOULDN'T DO THIS. But I really like it. I don't have to have it though. There'll be a time later when I could get something that's nicer than this. *oh screw it* I'll just get it anyway.
This will be a great present for Mike- I'll get him the clear corner lenses for the truck.
Crap I forgot the atm card at home..oh well I'll just put the groceries on the card.
Man I'm so tired of having piles and piles of clothes in the closet and on the shelves. I wish I had somewhere to put them. A few days go by. I think I'll just go and *look* and see what nice things they have in Nassau's. *sigh* This would be so perfect in our bedroom. I could never get something like this. I wish my mom would have bought it. I wish I had thought of asking her. Mike would never want to get this. The first thing he'd say was yeah it's nice, but the price.. FORGET IT. We'd never own something like that. I probably have a lot left on the card. I think I'll get it. Yeah, I'll definitely get it. It will be the something nice that I want and need to have in our apartment. I can finally put some clothes away somewhere else then on the top shelves of the closet.
Not ONCE during this whole time I was charging stuff did I do it intentionally against you. I had a card that had my name on it and I told myself over and over again, whenever I went somewhere, that I would *NOT* use this card. This has happened to me before in the past, when I used to have store cards like victoria's secret. and with that damn at&t card that I ran up when I called you from Florida.
I never once kept track of how much I was charging, and how often I was doing it. I was, and still am, completely irresponsible, immature, stupid, and dumb, and whatever else you can think of when it comes to money. Anything but acting and taking care of it like an adult.
I never told you because this was something I wanted for myself, because you had what you wanted- the truck; and well, now I have it. I have a huge debt for myself. I got what I deserved, and more. Like you've always said, what goes around comes around. I have a feeling I haven't "gotten" all of it yet. I know it. I dug myself into a hole, deeper and deeper, and now I have to climb my way out of it.
I will work 6 days a week plus overtime.
I am going to work on every single holiday.
I will work when I'm sick.
I will hand everything over to you when I come home. The ATM cards, and the checkbook.
I will sell what I don't need and want. This includes my clothing, accessories, and some jewelry.
If I ever go out anywhere by myself, I will tell you where I was and if anything was ever bought, I will give you the receipt the moment I walk in the door. Of course I doubt I'll be buying anything anyway.
I will give you all bank slips I get from the ATM machines, that is, if I go to one.
The WMTWCU Memberline is 1-800-452-4549. The Account number is *****. The Personal Security Code is ****. This is so you can check and watch all activity with the account.
I will not whine and complain about what we don't have. I should be smart enough to realize we have so much, and that I'm happy with it.
I am going to call tomorrow about a group called Debtors Anonymous. Maybe Lisa Frye, also, if she's on Tufts Insurance. Otherwise, I will find someone.
I will answer all of your questions with complete honesty from here on forth, even though I know you will find it hard to believe me.
Why did I deceive you? Somewhere in my f*cked up head I never saw myself deceiving. I figured since my name was on the card, it would affect me since I was the one who used it. Not you.
Can you say, retarded? I don't have to say it. I am one.
I lied to you, and never told you: I wanted something for myself. I did not think clearly about what I was doing, or what the consequences could be. I was not smart. I was not responsible. I did not think like an adult. Right now I still am those things.

Tuesday, November 7, 2000


Wow, I haven't used this in a long time! Today I'm feeling a little selfish I guess. I have a few friends of mine who I see driving around in new vehicles, or have gotten brand new places, and I sit here and wish I could have a brand new place also. I mean, I love where I live, but the carpet, closets, bathroom tile, sink, and mirrow are ANCIENT, and even our neighbors have new carpeting. I once went an complained to the management saying that I had allergies and wanted a new carpet, but the best they said was, "Well, we could shampoo it for you.." UGH

Monday, January 8, 2001


I'm listening to Matchbox20 right now. This music is perfect to listen to when I'm unhappy. I am really worried about my boyfriend right now. He's been doing so well, getting better, lowering the prednisone he's on, fighting off the fucking Crohn's disease he has, and helping SO MANY PEOPLE. Why the fuck am I singing to my cat...geez. Anyway, he's been doing so incredibly well, and all of a sudden he writes this e-mail:


Final Update

Well, this won't be your typical "positive" creation. I'm not even sure what I'll write about, but I feel I must write, because it's one of my only outlets, that I can manage to bring together in a coherent fashion. I've written about God, Disease, People, Places, and things of all sorts, but the one thing I've never really written about was me. I get a chance to now look "in" and tell you about that. I get a chance to tell you about the fear, and failure. Many will scoff at my "extreme" nature, and my willingness to make choices that don't fit "their" impressions of what should be. They can never fully understand that what is, just....is. It's neither good, nor bad. The creation of the creation is what I intend to write about.
I've been unhappy a lot, and not just unhappy, but depressed on a level where I think about suicide sometimes, quite often actually. Now coming from me this would seem almost well..unthinkable. I go from one world to the other, and I sit in my self pity wondering why I am the way I am. To be honest I don't know why I am the way I am, and I don't know why I can write the way I can. I sometimes don't care that my writing touches others, and sometimes I look for approval for these writings. If at any point there was a time when I should practice what I preach it would be right now, but the truth is I never preached. I simply stated truths, and experiences as they were, not as I would have them, or as I wished them. I've sough approval my whole life, from people who denied me, and from some who encouraged me. I sought love, hope, help, and truth. I've looked in every corner, crevice, and dream to find a way to inform people about who I am, and only through my writing was I able to do that. I tried music, sports, debate, speaking, and being, but none felt comforting to me. Everything always just seemed to be unmistakably bland. I couldn't touch, or be touched through any of these faucets. Now at a point in my life when I needed more support then ever I felt it was no-existent. The truth is I "know" logically that I have immense amounts of support, and terrific friends to lean on, but I choose to ignore them. I choose to be discouraged, and hopeless. I even fail to feel that they exist simply because I am......in limbo.
A lot of people think they know me, and assume a lot about me, without really taking a look at the depth. Deep down I am motivated by fear. Occasionally hope is juxtaposed to this fear, but very few of my choices in my life have been made out of love, not at least for my own benifit, and enlightenment. I don't think much about it, not as much as I would like. I feel I of all people am ineffective compared to the majority. I wallow in self despair, and self pity more then anyone could ever know, and I simply smile, and utter something constructive, or motivational simply to appease the mass of people who have somehow become engulfed in my "fear/hope" driven illusions. People feel so much better, when you tell them what they want to hear. If I ever told the truth of how I felt, or what I was thinking most would be angry with me, and say my thoughts, feeling, and fears were/are wrong. They might, and might not be right. To me it doesn't matter because it's nothing more then the truth. What I am saying right now is the truth about how I feel at this moment. I am everchanging, and tomorrow it may be different, but more so then not the same theme has played over, and over in my head like a song you heard right before pulling into work, school, or any event. Throughout the day you hummed the same tune, and couldn't quite seem to forget it. It almost became annoying after awhile, and this is my life. An annoying concept about obsession with death, and idealism. I feel that Idealism in death is much easier then that in life, and sometimes I'd like to take that route because it seems well....so much easier.
Today I care not what my inner voice says, and I've found the off switch which I've so desperately searched for since the voice began talking. Yes I wanted the voice to stop talking. There is to much responsibility in it's truths, and there is even more burden, and frustration revolving around it's concepts. I'm tired of being sick, and tired, but yet I am almost relieved to know it's something I can always rely on. When I can't pick up the pieces of my depression, or I "choose" to not pick up those pieces I know I can sit alone, all alone in my living room with nowhere to go, no one to answer to, and no expectations to fulfil. Someday I'd like to purchase a gun, and end all that which I know isn't really even here. My thoughts about my thoughts often find themselves becoming fulfilled simply because I obsess about them. My unending frustration about me, and my circumstances feel to overbearing, and to deep.
I've talked to many, and the more I talk the more alone I've felt. I've surrounded myself with many, and the more time I spent around these people the further away they seemed. I feel I've experienced all I can experience, and therefore feel there's only one last thing to do.
I began writing a song earlier. Now I of all people feel my songs are hopeless, worthless, and lack the poetic coherence which would earn them a right to be listened to, and even heard by some. I write and try, but I feel less then when I began, so I usually throw my pen down, or I immediately click the x in the upper right hand corner. Then the message appears on the screen asking if I would like to save the changes, and I simply stare at it for a moment. I think to myself "Why am I doing this, why am I being so judgmental about my own creation. Why am I being so self destructive". Then I just click "no", and the creation is gone. It's so much easier to terminate a creation, then to take responsibility for it, and to own it. Everytime I write I begin by asking myself "What would others want to hear from me?" "What theme would they think was worthy?". Sometimes I even think to myself "It's no use to write, or play" Your not talented enough, and or willing enough to construct something worthy. Sometimes I even blame my lack of talent on bad luck, or chance. "I wasn't born for it" If I wanted to really write, then I would regardless of what others wanted to hear from me, but I'll never admit this to myself, not at least in this moment.
Either I'm confused, or just at the end of this journey. I'm not sure I really care about the outcome anymore. I feel I've peaked in what I have to offer others, myself, and although I know the truths I've cited, and said throughout my life there seems to be an underlying tone of tragedy waiting to materialize. It could happen to you, me, or anyone in-between. I'm sure there is more time between this writing, and the outcome, but what I'll do in-between that time is more then likely the same that I've done all along. "nothing". It's a choice waiting to be. It's a song waiting to be written. It's the future being foreshadowed in the clearest sense.
I am compassion, love, anger, joy, sadness, hope, passion, persistence, tenacity, perseverance, and above all "willing", but there really never was a moment when I believed I was anything but the negative, and ineffective. Ineffective is quite a strong word in my opinion, and it's played along with the band throughout my life. I've been cited as saying the word on many occasions, but only my close friends, and relative would remember. lets expand upon the word that has played such a strong role shall we?
in·ef·fec·tive (n-fktv)

adj.

Not producing an intended effect; ineffectual: an ineffective plea.

Inadequate; incompetent: an ineffective teacher.

The word of God, without the spirit, [is] a dead and ineffective letter. --Jer. Taylor.


So now what's left to say that hasn't been said? Many may hope to find documents, or writings I've left, but there are none. Nothing worthy of being read. I'll pass judgement on myself, without wishing to change, and choose differently. It's neither bad or good, and simply is. Of all the people who claimed to not have expectation, I am merely a hypocrite for having just that... expectation.
I've listened to the songs. I've seen the movies. I've watched, heard, read all I needed, - to know that I'm unhappy, because I chose it, and I "expected" it. I have known before I knew what the outcome would be, and I've completed what I obviously desired conceptually. I created an unhappiness so deep, and so self assured, that It couldn't be realized, or felt by anyone except me. My longing to be famous, to be idolized. My longing to experience idealism from not just myself, but everyone around me, can't, and won't be realized unless I live in my own illusion, or beyond it in death.
To many this will seem crazy, and to some it will seem like self pity. I say that it is both. I sit in my own shit, and wait for changes that can't happen unless I make them reality. I deny myself, and then attempt to apply myself, only to succeed in judging myself. I experience despair simply because I can't feel incredible joy without knowing the extreme opposite.
I'd like to do a lot of things in my life, but unless I "choose" them, they will never be experienced. They will remain merely concepts, and idealism, and collective perfection are not of this world but another.

Michael



Now how the hell am I supposed to deal with that?! I need some guidance. I need some support. I don't know what to do. I've been crying since last night. I can't imagine my life without Mike, to see his smile, hear his laugh, have his arms around me in a hug, feel his lips on mine when he kisses me...*sigh* I don't want anything to happen to him, whether it's caused by some outside force or if it's caused by him. I love him way too much. I can't understand why he would do this, or why he would say something like this. Deep down inside I almost hope it's just because he's on 10 mg of prednisone. I wrote my supervisor about the situation, in very few words, to let her know that I am unhappy, and that I wanted her to know that if my job performance was hindered, that this was why. I wish to god I could stay home with him. I COULD, but the fucking assholes at work all give me shit when I start taking days off, cuz "it looks bad." Fuck that, assholes. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!!!!! :( This sucks SO bad.



Friday, February 2, 2001


I had a conversation with Mike a few days ago, about how I feel our relationship is emotionally empty. Here's how the conversation went:


Mike59SC: What's up.

SweetScorpiogirl: Not much :(

Mike59SC: Did you put the vehicle back up on auction?

Mike59SC: What's wrong?

SweetScorpiogirl: I didn't do the auction yet..I've been too preoccupied with all these things in my head that I REALLY need to talk to you about

Mike59SC: Why........

Mike59SC: There's nothing to talk about...

SweetScorpiogirl: I tried telling you like 3 times today and you blew me off as if it wasn't important :(

Mike59SC: I didn't want to talk.

Mike59SC: I wanted to sleep.

SweetScorpiogirl: I WANTED to mike, it was *very* important

Mike59SC: No it's not.

Mike59SC: It's about your trip on thursday.

SweetScorpiogirl: no it's not...

Mike59SC: Then what the heck is it about?

SweetScorpiogirl: You

Mike59SC: What about me?

SweetScorpiogirl: I've felt really empty lately, emotionally :( I feel as if I haven't gotten anything back from you that I *try* to give to you... as if I'm on a one way street

Mike59SC: Well don't feel to bad, cause lately everyone's been getting that from me.

Mike59SC: I'm at a crossroads if you haven't noticed.

SweetScorpiogirl: I haven't TALKED to you in ages.. you've been asleep when I come home, and are always preoccupied on the computer...and I *never* get time with you to do that

SweetScorpiogirl: It's made me very sad Mike, I was crying all morning today after you went to bed

Mike59SC: Sorry.. I'll try to make time, but your the one who sleeps in until noon unless I wake you up. Maybe you should make some effort.

SweetScorpiogirl: and after I tried telling you 3 times

SweetScorpiogirl: I woke up at 10:30 today

Mike59SC: I was tired wasn't that obvious?

Mike59SC: Maybe you should wake up earlier. You only need 8 hours of sleep not 10 or 12

SweetScorpiogirl: I wasn't aware actually..you were up making food and doing dishes :(

Mike59SC: Earlier when you first woke up.

Mike59SC: I went to bed for a reason.

SweetScorpiogirl: I thought you went to bed to read those papers

Mike59SC: I did, and then to sleep.

Mike59SC: When I go to bed to do something it usually means I plan to sleep.

SweetScorpiogirl: we never have those 1 hr talks anymore mike, it's been weeks

Mike59SC: Then setup a time.

SweetScorpiogirl: we always HAD a time mike..

Mike59SC: I just get tired of being the one who always cares, so I stopped caring.

Mike59SC: Your not the only one either....

SweetScorpiogirl: caring about what?

SweetScorpiogirl: I've been following your own advice

Mike59SC: I'm tired of being the one to always tell you what needs to be done, or when to do things.

Mike59SC: You have a brain, you can lead now...

Mike59SC: I'm not gonna lead anymore.

SweetScorpiogirl: talking to everyone else, and getting support from them and other people when I was hoping to get it from you

Mike59SC: You never ask for support from me.

Mike59SC: Ever.....

SweetScorpiogirl: I try talking to you, and you blow me off :(

SweetScorpiogirl: that's me asking

Mike59SC: Because your still a dumbass, and you don't say it's important.

SweetScorpiogirl: I did today

SweetScorpiogirl: and you still blew me off...

Mike59SC: No you didn't.. If you did It wasn't load enough to be heard.

Mike59SC: Loud enough.

SweetScorpiogirl: I shouldn't have to ASK for support Mike...

Mike59SC: Sure you should. I ask you.

SweetScorpiogirl: You talk to me about things, you never say, Sue, can I have your support?

Mike59SC: That's not true.

SweetScorpiogirl: ok, maybe a couple months ago you did :(

Mike59SC: Sue do we have to talk about this stuff...

SweetScorpiogirl: Yes we do

Mike59SC: This is dumb.. I was tired today, and went to sleep that's all.

Mike59SC: You make it out like I shot your dog or something.

SweetScorpiogirl: Mike, it's very VERYYY important to me to talk to you about this :(

Mike59SC: Maybe if you didn't expect things from me, then you wouldn't be let down.

SweetScorpiogirl: I wouldn't make an effort like this if it wasn't important to me :(

Mike59SC: You do know I'm fighting hard now to get my own problems straight. I don't need everyone else's.

Mike59SC: Ok...

Mike59SC: We're not on the same page lately.

Mike59SC: I'm not on the same page as anyone lately.

SweetScorpiogirl: But still, if you *really* don't want to talk about it,, I'm not going to force you to

Mike59SC: I'm on the contents page trying to figure out if I can make my life work or if I'm going to be sick for the rest of it. So lately I've been avoiding everyone to take time for me so I can give this my all.

SweetScorpiogirl: I know you have, but how can you just forget about everyone else? :(

Mike59SC: That's why I ignore everyone, and why I'm trying to beat this.

Mike59SC: Because I have to..

SweetScorpiogirl: you choose to?

Mike59SC: This alone could cause my regimen to fail.

Mike59SC: I can't be concerned with anyone's problems, but my own.

Mike59SC: Stress could fuck this whole thing up.

Mike59SC: But that's ok cause no one cares, or wants me to get better.

SweetScorpiogirl: It's not working for me to rely on everyone else, I need to talk to you sometimes too, not ALL the time, but I would like to talk to you more than what we have been lately

Mike59SC: ok

Mike59SC: then you set aside time like an adult, and plan it out...

SweetScorpiogirl: I've talked to SO MANY people Mike.. and it makes me feel better, for a very limited time.... and then I go back to feeling the way i was before

Mike59SC: So what it's my burden to make you feel good about yourself?

Mike59SC: I mean comeon sue...

SweetScorpiogirl: No, Just to talk to you...

SweetScorpiogirl: You're the closest person to me Mike

SweetScorpiogirl: It's different talking with you

Mike59SC: What about.......ooooh Kristen.

SweetScorpiogirl: Mike, I've been with you almost 3 years.. and I love you...you're the first person I would LIKE to come to when I need to talk to someone

Mike59SC: Well what do you need to talk about?

SweetScorpiogirl: what I spoke about earlier, the emotional aspect of our relationship, and how it's been lately... or what HASN'T been I guess I should say

Mike59SC: Sue face it. You, and no one else are going to get much from me until I feel better.

Mike59SC: You know your not the only one who feels miserable, or bad.

SweetScorpiogirl: I realize what you're saying Mike, but do you know how sad and upset I am because of it?

Mike59SC: Can't be to much more unhappy then I usually am.

Mike59SC: The only difference is I just ignore it, and keep chugging, because I know sooner or later my effort will pay off.

SweetScorpiogirl: You don't know Mike...I laid on the couch today listening to music today thinking about nothing and everything all at once... I felt very depressed this morning.. I still do, but not as bad as this morning

Mike59SC: Sue why does your well being depend on me?

Mike59SC: Perhaps there is something "your" not dealing with.

SweetScorpiogirl: it DOESN'T Mike, all I'm saying is that there are times I would rather speak with you than someone else, and I REALLY miss what we *used* to have, as far as the loving part of our relationship goes.. I always hug you, and love you, and kiss you before I go to work.. and I rub you when I get into bed with you while you're still asleep.. and also when I can't talk to you, that's when I start feeling like I'm goin down a one way street

Mike59SC: I'll try to take more time for you.

SweetScorpiogirl: I'm not asking for the world Mike, just *some* time, I don't care if it's one hour a week, that's how we had it before, and we haven't had it like that in a long time, and even though I didn't talk much, I still lilked it.. talking about it in my weekly meetings helps ME but doens't help me being with you, do you understand what I mean?

Mike59SC: Yes

SweetScorpiogirl: Ok...that's all I have been trying to tell you :-\

Mike59SC: Ok You set aside the times, and plan things, and I'll join in.

Mike59SC: I refuse to plan events anymore.

SweetScorpiogirl: I'd like for it to be the same as we had it before, every weds.

Mike59SC: You never took them serious meaning if we missed them it wasn't something you would say...

SweetScorpiogirl: I did take them serious...but when I talk to you, I don't just want you to nod your head and move your hands as if to say, ok, keep going.. I want some feedback.. a back and forth conversation

Mike59SC: Ok.

SweetScorpiogirl: not like, I say what i want to say all in one breath, I want you to talk to me whenever I stop talking, and provide some suggestions, or say whatever it is you want to say at the moment

Mike59SC: How about you take your own suggestions here.

Mike59SC: Do you do these things?

Mike59SC: No......

SweetScorpiogirl: I'm doing that right this moment Mike

Mike59SC: Do I pretty much talk to myself when I used to talk during out sessions? "yes........

SweetScorpiogirl: back to what I said before "and even though I didn't talk much, I still lilked it.."

Mike59SC: Oh I see so it's ok for you to be quiet, but when I don't feel like talking it's a fucking soap opera...

Mike59SC: Real nice sue....

SweetScorpiogirl: that's not how I meant that Mike

Mike59SC: Yeah but that's how it is.

Mike59SC: If you don't talk alot it's ok.

Mike59SC: If I don't talk a lot...it's not ok.

SweetScorpiogirl: No, when I *do* talk, I get your head nodding, or you just look at me, or motion with your hands to continue

SweetScorpiogirl: I wanted some feedback, and sometimes that IS why I stop talking

SweetScorpiogirl: actually, that's the one big reason why I do stop

Mike59SC: What do you need me to give you approval or something?

SweetScorpiogirl: No, I just want a back and forth conversation, not, I stop talking, and you look at me...and then I feel like i have to go on

Mike59SC: Ok Sue.

SweetScorpiogirl: so, that's all.. I've said everything I wanted to say :-\

SweetScorpiogirl: I'm also glad that you came online, and we had a *back and forth* conversation. I like that much better than having to send you an email

Mike59SC: Well good I'm glad.

SweetScorpiogirl: I really didn't *want* to send you an email saying all of this... but if I HAD to I would have... you came online at just the right time

Mike59SC: I'm thrilled.

SweetScorpiogirl: Mike, you know what I mean

Mike59SC: I know.

SweetScorpiogirl: Ok, well, I've said everything now, so I don't have anything left to say :-\

Mike59SC: Ok talk to you later.

SweetScorpiogirl: Alright, thanks for talking Mike


I just don't know what to do about this. I'm very confused right now, and very sad.