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Mallrats Movie Quotes

[Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game.]
Renee: What are you doing? You promised me breakfast.
Brodie: Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Renee, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

Shannon Hamilton: I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!

Brodie: He must be halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.

Brodie: Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

Renee: Brodie, I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse," I did it. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the covers in case your mother barged in, I did that too. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment!

Brodie: Do you think Mr. Fantastic can stretch his dinky also? And do you think The Thing is hard all over? I mean really all over

Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?

T.S.: No, why do you ask?

Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.

T.S.: Renee's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating...

Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.

T.S.: [Retches]

Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.

T.S.: If all she did was dump you, you got off light

Jay: Where do you get these wonderful toys?

Silent Bob: Excitement, adventure... A Jedi craves not these things.

Brodie: Cookie stand's not part of the food court.

T.S.: Sure it is.

Brodie: The food court is downstairs the cookie stand is upstairs it's not like we're talking quantum physics here!

T.S.: The cookie stand is an eatery, an eatery is part of the food court.

Brodie: Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court, anything operating outside the said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.

Brodie: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

Brodie: I would've made a sexy chick.

Brodie: My grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow...when you get the sex for free."

T.S.: But they're engaged.

Brodie: Doesn't matter, can't happen.

T.S.: Why not? It's bound to come up.

Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I gurantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?

T.S.: Sure, why not?

Brodie: He's an alien, for christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him!

Dating Game Host: Which of the following is your kiss most like: a gentle breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

Gill Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and by the time I'm done, you're not the same. You're changed.

Gill Hicks: When did you see me kiss?

Brodie: Some guy backstage before the show.

Gill Hicks: Wait a minute. I didn't kiss any guy. I'm not gay!

Brodie: Did you hear the hate in his voice? Do you want to go out with a homophobe?

Gill Hicks: I don't hate gay people!

Brodie: So you love them.

Gill Hicks: Yes! I mean...

Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?

Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee?

Brandi: You know, being intimate.

Brodie: What? Like fucking?

Jay: Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, bicky bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.

Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Brodie: One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, "Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don't you knock it off?" And he says to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy

Brandie: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?

Brodie: I already did once today! But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on this plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane starts spinning around, going out of control, so he figures it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad! So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and they land safely and everyone puts their penises or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

Gill: Well, did he cum, or what?

Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

Jay: Fly Fat ass! Fly!

Brodie: The Damn kid is back on the escalator!