It is strangely painful not to have been a part of your past;
painful to know that others once made up your world,
a world entirely without me.
Painful never to have known you as a child,
never to have seen you young and innocent,
never to have known your childish ways: your young face,
smiling and eager, redcheeked and round,
with your hair touseled and your soft eyes
staring at the world and liking what they saw;
not to have seen you discover life.
It is painful to think that I am not the first whom you have loved.
It is more painful still not to be a part of your present;
never to be with you except for moments
too short and too crowded with others,
never to see your face turning to me seeking acceptance,
never to know the fleeting touch of your hand,
the thrill of turning and finding you staring at me, into me;
never to go to you when the day is over
and still be with you when the morning begins.
Painful never to have you love me.
The most painful part of all is to never be a part of your future;
knowing I must make a life for myself entirely without you;
a life composed of hollow hours you won't be there to fill;
never to know the contentment of your love.
How very painful to think that in the future, your future,
others will receive the smiles from your pale eyes,
the kisses of your mouth,
the security of your arms,
and the fulfillment from your body;
while I am left with the emptiness of the past
and the emptier-still contemplation of the future.
How painful, and how strangely sad...
________________________________________________________________________________
Seattle, November 3rd 1998
"...And I knew it...I knew it the very first time I touched him.
It was like coming home...only not to a home I've ever known.
He held my hand, at one point I looked down and I couldn't tell
which fingers were his and which were mine...
And I knew it...it was like Magic...
I knew we'd be together forever
and that everything would be wonderful..."
________________________________________________________________________________
A True Love Is...
A friend
One who needs a friend...
A lover
One who needs a lover...
A confidant
One who needs someone to confide in...
Someone who occasionally reminds you
uncannily of your parents at times
although in different forms...
A shoulder to cry on...
Someone who needs a shoulder to cry on...
Your image of heaven
includes this person rather profusely.
You can look back on the history
that you created together
and both cry and laugh,
hopefully at different parts.
You are not the same person,
instead two separate entities
that can combine into a supreme being.
You plan names for your kids...
Someone with whom you can discuss anything
from bathroom talk to sexual preferences
to life and death to philosophy to science
and back...
When this other person is asleep,
you can't help it if you have
a twenty page paper do the next morning,
you just want to put the universe on hold
and watch them...
They aren't a super model,
yet they are the most beautiful creature
that you have ever laid eyes upon,
even after twenty years...
You find yourself thanking God
that s/he allowed you to stumble
across this other person...
They can help you see things about yourself
that you haven't seen before.
You help them see things about themselves
that they haven't seen before.
You feel this uncanny sense of completeness
whenever you are around this person.
Each of your separate concerns and victories
become a shared concern and victory
You love them more than anything else
in this entire world...
When you look down at your hands intertwined,
you get a rush...
When you talk to this person, even on the phone,
you feel butterflies.
Especially after several years
of knowing this person...
You are happy when your partner is happy.
When you hold your partner,
it reminds you of something special
you held as a child -
ie a stuffed animal, a pillow...
Your love for this person grows daily
You've seen your partner at their worst times
and the best times
They've seen you at your worst times
and best times
You ask yourself,
"How did I survive without this person before now?"
You desire to be with this person
the rest of your life (not necessarily marriage)
Your heart tells you it's right...
True love is patient...
True love is classified as delusional...
True love is addictive...
True love waits...(how long, I do NOT know!)
Your true love can define or destroy your world...
Your true love will not change for you.
You will not have to change for your true love.
The eyes of the other is what make it worthwhile,
for in them you can see the boundless love
kept just under the surface.
Your true love won't leave you.
The little voice in the back of your head
will quiet its shouting and dire portents,
for it will recognize that he/she is your true love.
Your true love knows what to say,
how to say it, when to say it,
and when not to, to help you along...
The most important thing about this list
is that these feelings must be mutual,
not pressured from one another or out of guilt.
Also remember, what is meant to be, will be.
That is the true meaning of life:
Life is a journey from one point to another.
You know where you will end up,
but you don't know what route will get you there.
The journey itself is what makes life,
not the outcome...
- Andrew Shroads -
"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with JOY, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."
