All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from many isresearch.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never triedbefore.

A fool and his money are soon partying.Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of car payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

2.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."

"I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel."

"I filled out an application that said, 'In Case Of Emergency Notify'.
I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do?"

"I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...
The study of milkmen."

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'"

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'."

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."

"If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!"

"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature."

"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.
They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar'."

"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work."

"It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused."

"How young can you die of old age?"

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

"I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50.
So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl'."

"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."

"On the other hand... You have different fingers."

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press?
I don't get it."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time."

"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'Pet supplies'. So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'Compact cars'..."

"I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, 'Can I help you?' And I said, 'Yeah, do you got anything I like?' He said, 'What do you mean do we have anything you like?' I said, 'You started this'."

"If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The guy who wrote that song wrote everything. "

"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."

"If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?"

"One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95."

"I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, 'I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month.'"

"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

"One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house."

"While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: 'Do I know you?'"

"Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it... It feels real'."

"I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!"

"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."

"There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air."

"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."

"Next week I'm moving to Mars, so if you have any boxes ..."

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here'."

"Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."

"Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it."

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain; no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape...

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.