It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature What’s another word for Thesaurus? If a sign says "eight items or less", just change your name to Les. What is a jumbo shrimp? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? Sooner or later, doesn't everone stop smoking? Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain; no pain. I am in shape. Round's a shape... I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots worehelmets. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup? I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? If God dropped acid, would he see people? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket? If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented? ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.