These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "At this company I worked for a very crazy boss with a bad attitude" "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." Reasons for leaving the last job: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches." "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers." Job responsibilities: "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility." "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." Special requests & Job objectives: "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." Physical disabilities: "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." Personal interests: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far." From a banking resume: "and I enjoy tasting beers from around the world!" From a management resume: "I supervise employees with the iron fist!" From an administrative assistant: "I always dress modestly, and never wear skirts above the knee, unless it's very warm." From a general resume for college recruiters: "College grade point average of 2.6 (would have been higher if I didn't party so much.) From an office manager: "Good people skills, except when people get on my nerves." Which is hardly ever, no more often than once every ten minutes. From a salesperson: "Sales declined 12% in my territory, but the territory was going downhill, and it would have been a lot worse without me." From a business consulting resume: "Excellent at bluffing it when I don't know what I am doing . . ." From an administrative assistant: "I have a very nurturing, mothering side to me, and often bring freshly-baked goodies to the office. You will get fat after you hire me!" From a middle manager: "I am a tiger when needed, but otherwise a pussycat." Other great resume bloopers ... "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department." "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." "At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great." "Being in trouble with the law, I moved quite frequently." Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!" "Created a new market for pigs by processing, marketing and selling a gourmet pig mall order service on the side." Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." Education: College, August 1880-May 1984 "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting." "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." Finished eighth in my class of ten. "I am a rabid typist." "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." "I have unsuccessfully raised a dog." "I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience." "I am quick at typing, about 25 word per minute, 35 with caffeinated coffee." "I have never had a single blemish held against me and my IQ is off the charts." "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms." "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." "I need just enough money to have pizza every night." "I have eight arms and eight legs with excellent interpersonal skills." "I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks of vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." "I prefer informality like wearing sports shirts and sandals for footwear in the summer. I prefer setting my own pace. When things get slack I like the right to walk out and get a haircut during working hours." "In my last position, got nowhere as part of a 60-person herd. Consequently, I did not give the company my full effort and received no chance of advancement in return." "It's best for employers that I not work with people." "Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience." Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments. "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." "Professionally watered 22,500 office plants." "Proven ability to track down and correct erors." "Qualifications: No education or experience." "Reason for leaving: Want to be facing Times Square so that I can read the news." "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer." "Skills: Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory." "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me. Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant. I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail. Qualifications: No education or experience. Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head.