Office Job requirements and what they really mean:
"Apply in person":
If you're old, fat or ugly you will be told the position
has been filled.
"No phone calls please":
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just
a legal formality.
"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"Problem-solving skills a must":
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"Requiress team leadership skills":
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"Good communication skills":
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"Competitive salary":
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Join our fast paced company":
We have absolutely no time to train you.
"Casual work atmosphere":
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"Must be deadline oriented":
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"Some overtime required":
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"Duties will vary":
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an eye for detail":
We have no quality control.
"Career-minded":
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Employee Comments and what they really mean:
"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization":
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable":
I pilfer office supplies.
"My pertinent work experience includes":
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I take pride in my work":
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'm personable":
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.
"I'm extremely professional":
I carry a Day-Timer.
"I'm adaptable":
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I am always on the go":
I'm never at my desk.
"I'm highly motivated to succeed":
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
"I'm a real go-getter"
What I really want to do is sit around and wait for something to happen.
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