When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

  Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

  I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

  I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

  I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

  I'd rather be rich than stupid.

  I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

  Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

  To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

  Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

  If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

  Laurie got extremely offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

  We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

  When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

  The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

  Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

  If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

  If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

  Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

  I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

  I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

  The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.