Stupid dog
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him
away.
Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes
the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill.
So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the
dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop
and follows the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag,
jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the
lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in
awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for
the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes
back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices
it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the
bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the
front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The
dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops
the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws
himself whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws
himself whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back
down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He
gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off
the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and
starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a
genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever,
ya right. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
|
Elderly
Drivers
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to
herself, I must be losing it. I could have sworn we went through a red light.
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and
again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure
that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right
through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Marge! Did you know we just went
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!!"
Marge turned to her and said, "Oh sh*t, am I driving?!"
Horsing Around
There's this guy who had been lost and
walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary.
Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary
finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for
directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes
back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it
back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special
thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it
stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets On the horse and
says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God,
thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says,
"Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes
off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the
horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans
back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".
|
