The Laurie L. Story
My Adventure With Green Day
by Laurie L.
(Taken from the Kerplunk inaly)
Dear Diary,
I still can't believe it!!! Me, Laurie L., the plainest, most boring
girl at Pinole Valley High School, the girl that all the boys bark at
when I walk by, the girl whose mother wouldn't even let her go to a New
Kids On The Block concert because "there's often a bad element at those
rock concerts, dear," I got to go on a four day tour with my total
hearthrobs, GREEN DAY!!!!
Little did I know that when I entered that "Win A Dream Date With Green
Day" contest in Tiger Beat magazine (my lame-o brother calls it Puberty
Beat, but what does he know, he's probably a homo anyway) that I, out of
all the millions of Green Day fans in America would get picked!
The day that letter arrived was the happiest day of my life. But before
I could get too excited, I realized I had a biiig problem.... my
parents!! I knew they'd never let me go off with a rock band for even
one
night, let alone four days!
So for once I decided not to put up with their crap. I wasn't sure what
to do, so at school the next day I went around to all the weirdos and
asked them what would THEY do? See, I figure people who have blue
mohawks
and only come to school when they feel like it and make these gross
magazines with naked pictures in them must have figured out a way to
handle their parents.
So I went to this guy Eggplant (boy, I feel sorry for him, his parents
must have really hated him to name him something like that), and he
looked at me like, "You really want to go on tour with Green Day?"
And I said, "Oh yeah, I'd DIE to go on tour with Green Day."
He looked at me kind of funny and said, "Yeah, but would you KILL?"
I thought he was joking, but I wasn't sure. Then I looked at his beady
little eyes piercing deep into my soul and I KNEW he wasn't. I thought,
hmmm, what the hell, you only go around once, might as well go for it,
blah blah, blah...
So I said, all kind of hoarse and everything, "Yeah, I guess I
would...."
And he said, "Then the one you should talk to is Claude."
Omigod!!! Even I had heard of Claude. He's so evil that he's
practically...SATANIC!!! He dropped out of school in eighth grade and
all
he ever does is take drugs and read weird books and molest little girls.
I was always afraid to even look at him.
But I'd gone too far to stop now. After school instead of going home I
went to Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley where all the scummy people hang
out, and sure enough, there was Claude. He looked all perverted and he
was smoking cigarettes and all these girls were standing around him like
they wanted him to do bad stuff to them.
But they got out of the way when they saw me coming, and Claude wasn't
mean or dirty or anything. He was actually kind of nice.
He said, "My friend Eggplant tells me you have a problem."
I said, "Two problems, actually. Two really big ones."
"Parents, huh? This ought to take care of them."
He handed me a brown bottle it was full of pills.
"How many of these should I take?" I asked him.
He laughed, kind of heh-heh like. "No, you don't take them, THEY do.
Your parents."
"Oh no," I said, "my parents wouldn't take drugs. They're Christian
Scientists."
"You look like a smart little girl. I'll bet you can figure something
out."
And you know what, he was right, I DID.
That night I offered to help my mother with dinner. Then, when she
wasn't looking I emptied all of Claude's capsules into the mashed
potatoes. Then I said I didn't feel like eating, and went upstairs and
listened to all my Green Day records five or six times.
After a while I stuck my head out the door.
"Yuck!" I heard my father saying. "These are the worst mashed potatoes I
ever tasted in my life!"
"Then cook your own goddam dinner, you lazy scumbag. I'm not your
slave." I was surprised, my mother didn't usually swear.
My dad said, "I'm not going to eat these, they taste like shit."
But my mother yelled at him, "You eat those potatoes or I'll dump them
over your head and shove the dish up your ass."
"Shhh" he said, "Laurie will hear you."
"She's asleep, the stupid little bitch. I swear, I don't know how my
daughter could be such an idiot. I bet the babies got switched at the
hospital."
"Now, now, she's just a little bit slow."
"Yeah, and I wonder who she got it from. Are you going to eat those
potatoes?"
My dad always does what mom tells him. I even heard him scraping the
bowl.
After a while I heard a clunk and a crash and then the whole dining room
table fell over. I went downstairs and they were both flopped out on the
floor, like totally dead. It was pretty weird.
I realized that I'd better do something before my brother came home,
because I didn't have enough pills to get rid of him, too. Luckily we
have a brand new garbage disposal, so I took a butcher knife and cut mom
and dad into pieces and put them down the garbage. It took a long time
and it was kind of messy, but I kept singing all my favorite Green Day
songs, and it made the work easier.
The only trouble was, the bones wouldn't go down the garbage disposal,
and now I was getting nervous, because my brother would be home any
minute. Then I got an idea. I gathered up all the bones and carried them
out into the backyard and threw them over the fence to our neighbor's
pit
bull. He was so happy he didn't even bark at me.
Then my brother came home. "Where's mom and dad?" he asked.
"Uh, they went away. To... uh... Utah!"
"Utah! Why the hell would they go there?"
"Uh, I think they decided to become Mormons or something."
He looked at me kind of weird and went upstairs to look at his porno
pictures. I went in my room and started packing my bags.
The next morning, I was at the airport. My own private jet waiting for
me there, and you know what, it was all painted GREEN, and on the side
of
it said, "WELCOME ABOARD LAURIE L., GREEN DAY TOUR '90."
So I went on the plane, and I was the only passenger! And all the
stewardesses just waited on me! And we listened to Green Day records all
the way to Arizona, where the tour was going to start.
When I got there, there was a limo, a GREEN limo, of course, waiting for
me, and this guy in a top hat opened the door for me, and when I got in
the back seat THERE THEY WERE! All three of them, Billie Joe, Mike , and
Tre!!! I was so excited I didn't even know where to sit. I mean, I
didn't
know which one I wanted to sit next to first.
So I sat in between Billie Joe and Tre and they both started talking to
me, and I didn't know which one I liked best cause they were both so
nice, but then I decided I liked Billie Joe better because Tre kept
singing these rap songs that had a lot of bad words in them. In fact, I
was surprised that they let him be in the band, because I didn't think
Green Day ever said swear words. Well, they did on that one song,
"Knowledge," but that's only because it was written by that other band,
Operation Ivy, who I heard were a bunch of punk rockers.
Then we went to a show at this place called "Hippycore" and there were
all these people with long hair standing around eating vegetables and
stuff. It was kind of icky. But the worst thing was when I found out
that
some OTHER bands were going to play, too.
I got really mad and said, "Why can't Green Day just play for three
hours. Why do you have to have these other stupid bands?"
Everybody told me to be quiet, that the other bands were good too. But
they weren't. I mean they weren't Green Day. They didn't even have any
songs I could sing along to. So I kept yelling, "BOOOOO! You're
terrible!
We want Green Day!!" until some punker girl told me to shut up or she
would rearrange my face with her bottle opener.
I wondered if she was just trying to be friendly, then I decided she
wasn't , so I went outside to wait for my heroes. But when they finally
played, it was worth everything. Billie sang every one of my favorite
songs, and then, right in the middle of "Disappearing Boy," he stopped
and said, "I'd like to dedicate this song to our special friend Laurie
L., who came down from Pinole to be with us here today. She's just so
beautiful and nice, gosh, I know if she was my girlfriend, I'd never
disappear again.
That's when I fainted. When I woke up, the show was over and they were
packing up the equipment.
I said, "Billie Joe, did you really mean what you said on stage."
And he looked at me all sincere, and said, "You know it, babe, but our
love can never be, because I already belong to another. Besides, you're
too young and innocent for the life of a rock and roll wife. Take my
advice, go back to Pinole and finish high school, and some day you'll
make some lucky man very happy."
"But Billie, I'd do anything to be with you. I already did! I killed my
parents just so I could be with you here tonight!!!"
But he just laughed and said, "Really? Killed your parents, huh? That's
pretty cool."
Then we all got in the Green Day tour bus to drive to Los Angeles. I was
pretty excited because I never was in Hollywood before. I had a map of
all the movie stars' houses and everything.
But we didn't see any movie stars, just a bunch of boys with big hairdos
and women that Tre said were prostitutes. I never know whether to
believe him or not, he's kind of mean, you know. I'm starting to think
that maybe he's my least favorite member of Green Day, because he kept
singing that horrible Ice Cube song that goes "bitch-killa,
bitch-killa."
Besides, when I asked him for his autograph, he said I had to talk to
his agent, and when I asked who his agent was, he started to unzip his
pants.
So I screamed and Billie and Mike told Tre to behave and he did after
that, even thought I said I thought they should tie him up or something
until the next show, but Mike said a lot of drummers are like that,
their
brains just get rattled around too much from all that pounding.
Then you know what? I saw Billie and Mike drinking out of BEER BOTTLES!!
I was shocked, because they're not even 21, in fact they're only 18, so
I asked them what was the big idea, but Billie took me aside and
whispered, "Listen, you've got to keep this a secret, but there isn't
really beer in these bottles."
"There isn't," I asked.
"No, it's really milk. Everybody in Green Day likes milk best of all,
but the thing is, we drink it out of beer bottles because if we don't
people will make fun of us and say we're sissies."
Then I understood, and I felt so sorry for the boys. Peer pressure is
such a terrible thing.
At the show in Hollywood I even got to stay backstage and everything,
but just when the boys were getting ready to play there was a knock on
the dressing room.
"It must be our deli tray," everyone said, but it wasn't, it was the
POLICE! Omigod!! I jumped in front of the officers and said, "Wait,
don't
arrest Green Day, it's not beer in those bottles, it's really just
milk!"
He looked at me and said, "Is it now? And your name wouldn't happen to
be Laurie, would it, little lady?"
And I said, "That's my name, don't wear it out."
"Then we'll have to ask you to come with us."
"What do you mean," I screamed. "Are you crazy? Green Day is going to
start playing any minute now!"
But he said, "Sorry, it can't be helped," and they took me in the back
of the police car and handcuffed me and everything, and then I thought,
oh god, I wonder if this has anything to do with my parents?
Sure enough it did. That stupid pit bull dragged one of my dad's
collarbones into the house and his owner found it and called the police.
So I didn't get to see the rest of the tour, and I had to go to court
and
everything and now I'm in jail, and I might not get out until the year
2019.
Oh well. Everyone's pretty nice here and they let me listen to my Green
Day tapes. But they all ask me, was it worth it? Killing your parents
just so you could go on tour with Green Day?
And I just smile, a deep, knowing smile, because I've seen and done
things that they'll never experience, not if they live to be 100, and I
say, "Of course it was. After all, everyone gets two parents, but
there's
only one GREEN DAY."
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Email: silver6426@aol.com