Thursday, June 02, 2005

The Mysterious Black Van

Well, the barrel was empty. Maybe I should start loading all the chambers with bullets but that's another story.

The bottom line is that it's good that I am still alive because boy, did I get a greeting at the door today! At first I think it's some shady folk because they come in this big black van. If they want my money, they're in for a surprise 'cause I don't got shit. And if they were to get pissed off I'm sure they would open fire or beat the shit out of me or spit in my eyes so I get my shotgun locked and loaded. I'm ready for any unexpectancies.

A couple people exit the van and I creep up behind the pile of booster chairs all quiet like. These bastards have hit my store 3 times just this year and I'll be damned if they are going to take any more of my trays! It's hard to see through my mask but I notice what looks like some young guy in a suit carrying a big piece of cardboard. I now know that they arn't the Vice Lords that robbed me but probably those damn protestors again. I've told them time and again that there is a reason we don't use 100% beef.

Then all of a sudden another van pulls up. This time it's from the channel 15 news. Holyshit, Now I'm scared they might have found out about what I had been doing to the burgers. Two guys exit that van carrying cameras and shit. Then the guy in the first van helps some slut woman out of who's carrying balloons. I dunno what the hell to make out of this. All of a sudden some big head honcho type guy gets out. He's all being primped and polished by the two others. They start walkin' to the doors so I creep down so I won't be noticed.

They knock on my door. "Mr. Boy?" they ask. I keep quiet. "Mr. Boy are you in?" I was hoping they would just leave but then the man with the board and the chick with the balloons start to enter. Remember now, this is a working establishment. Shitballs, I think to myself. "What's that?" the dame asks. I look to where they're pointing at and it's my fat ass. "Are you hiding?" They discovered me! I suddenly jump out and cock my gun. "What the fuck do you want?!" I sound all muffled under my mask. The woman screams and faints knocking herself out. The two camera guys run in and start filming. I turn the gun on them and fire a shot at the camera taking it out of service. Then the big head honcho type man runs in and I aim to disable his sorry ass when whadaya know...I find myself pointing my shot gun at none other than Mr. Ed McMahon.

"Ed!" I yell out. He's all confused and scared looking like he's gonna piss himself. I quickly put down my gun and give a hearty "Hey-Yooo!" to him. Nothin'. He's still in shock. By this time the younger man has revived the girl who's now whimperin away. I see that he dropped his poster board and low and behol' I see that I just won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes! There's a huge jumbo check lying on the ground written out to me, BOB BIG BOY...owner of all 11 remaining Big Boy Restaurants, for 4 million dollars! Suddenly now I'm the one who might faint! He-he, Hey Yooo!

The young lady gets up and they all look at me. Now if this isn't an akward situation. They all give me the evil eye and now I'm wondering if I still get the check. I quickly dive for the oversized piece of currency and Ed does too. It looks like this bastard doesn't want me to get the check! We are both playing tug of war with it for a few minutes. The other guy and the girl suddenly start helping Ed out. The TV team gets another camera from the van and starts shooting again. Carlos my janitor exits from the john. "Carlos, Carlos! Help me!" I expect Carlos to give me a hand with the check but instead he does something that's class-act. He just goes up to Mr. McMahon and kicks him in the groin! The woman screams and runs into the corner and the younger guy just runs off like a pansy. The news crew gets this on tape so Carlos rips the camera from the guys arms and smashes it to the ground. They run off too. Looks like ol' Eddie want's to run as well but I already have my gun pointed right at his head. He stops.

I order him to slowly reach for the check and hand it to me - and he better have the biggest shit eating grin on his face when he does it. I tell Carlos to go get the Polaroid camera from out of the john to capture history. Ed slowly picks up the check and hands it to me. I am in shock. I almost feel like crying. I remind Ed to smile and Carlos snaps our picture. Suddenly I am a multi-millionaire! I give Ed a nice hearty hand shake and see him to the door. He mumbles something like "You won't get away with this." I pat my gun and say "Yes I will." and laugh whole-heartedly. I go to the lovely lady and help her out but she elbows me in the stomach and shouts out some obscenity. Bitch.

Now it's just Carlos and me standing in the store with a big ol check of 4 million dollars. We only hope that the bank will accept it. But if they do, boy do I have some plans. We just might be able to get those 100% beef patties after all.

FYI: Carlos accidentaly took the camera home with him along with the photo so as soon as I get it back I will post the picture of your's truly along with America's favorite straight man...Ed McMahon. "Hey-yooo!"