Cool Stuff

I'm sure you're saying, "Finally, new cool stuff!"  I hope you like them!  I just wanted to start off by offering you an amazing website.  There are some great pictures there, and rather than try to put them all up here, I'll just give you the site to check out for yourself.  Click here!  However, I do have these things to offer as well:

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.  Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate room, thought, this is going to be easy. Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

Real answers given by children on exams:

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?  A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?  A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?  A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?  A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?  A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.  A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?  A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

 Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g. abdomen). A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and  the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains  the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,  A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?  A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?  A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean Section" A: The Cesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Notes written from parents in the Mississippi school district.  Spellings have been left intact:

1) MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE P.E. TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM

2) PLEASE EXCUSE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT. SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.

3) DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE EKSCUSE JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

4) PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5) PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A  TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6) JOHN HAS ABEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE

7) CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT  IN THE GROWING PART.

8) MEGAN COULD ! NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9) CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10) PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11) ! PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE)  (DYREA) (DIREATHE) THE SHITS. [WORDS WERE CROSSED OUT IN THE ('s]

12) PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA AND HIS  BOOTS LEAK.

13) IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14) PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.

15) I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16) PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH A! ND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY, WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17) SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.

18)MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.

19) PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

20) GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

21) PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA, SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

22) MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16 BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings  for various words. And the winners are...

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.),  impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in  which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your  nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored  mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that  picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding  hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an  exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified  demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines  you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the  opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Cool body art: