The plot of XXX is, at best, a lame excuse to shove as many action sequences into two hours as possible. It involves an extreme-sports star named Xander Cage (played by Vin Diesel) being recruited by the United States government to stop a group of evil, vaguely Eastern European terrorists who are using “Russian scientists” (those guys are always bad news) to build a giant biological weapon called “Ahab”. The name is appropriate considering that Diesel, with a shaved head, tons of tattoos, and limited vocabulary appears to be simply an updated version of the Moby Dick character Queequeg, but without the moral values. He sleeps with prostitutes, steals cars, and enjoys blowing up everything in sight. He makes frequent references to video games, which are apparently the only things he really cares about. When we are first introduced to Xander, he is stealing the car of a fussy bureaucrat who wants to “stop rock music and video games”. Way to go, man. You’re the coolest.
I am chagrined to report that Samuel L. Jackson also appears in this movie, in the role of Xander’s no-nonsense government guru “Gibbons”. Why, Mr. Jackson, why? He’s clearly very talented, and he’s definitely one of the coolest guys in Hollywood, but if he keeps getting himself into films like XXX, Shaft, and Star Wars he’s going to end up seeming like some dude who is desperately trying to gain a teenage audience, something he doesn’t need as we can see by movies like Jackie Brown, The Red Violin, and, of course, Pulp Fiction.
For all of it’s rough spots, there were some things I definitely enjoyed about XXX. First of all, the movie makes absolutely no attempt to take itself seriously, which I appreciated. It’s so clearly a video game projected onto a large screen that it would be ridiculous not to acknowledge it as such, which they do through Xander’s many Playstation analogies. Also, in the same vein, I was definitely into the subtitles used many times throughout the film. Most of them are just as ridiculous as the English dialogue, with lines like ‘Find him fast, kill him slow!’ appearing on the bottom of the screen as a group of bad guys rush to their snowmobiles to chase Xander down a mountain. It’s funny enough to hear these lines spoken, but to read them is comedy gold. I also liked how unabashedly the movie tried to appeal to a younger generation, and tried to be hip. It’s so over-the-top with the loud music and the explosions and the car chases and the sexy, scantily clad people that you can’t help but shake your head and smile.
I cannot suggest XXX to anyone who isn’t a twelve year old boy, and I cannot say that it was worth eight bucks to see. Movies like this are so wild and extreme that they push away almost everyone but the tiny niche audience they hope to find. I walked out of the theater feeling not like I had seen a movie, but that I had witnessed a decadent orgy of action and brainlessness. Cool.
SKINNYNOTE: This movie starts with a Rammestein concert. Remember them? Those crazy German guys who had a mild United States hit with “Du Hast” a few years ago? Well, they’re apparently still around, and just as crazy as ever. In XXX they manage to play a song while breathing fire. Rockin.
SKINNYNOTE 2:Sevral people have told me that I seriously underrated this film. They say is was cool, and fun, and that I way too serious when judging it. That's probably true. But I still think it's a dumb movie.