Written by Danny McBride, based on a story by Len Wiseman and McBride, based on characters created by Kevin Grevioux, Wiseman, and McBride
Directed by Len Wiseman
When I say that Underworld: Evolution is one of the very worst horror movies of the last decade, I want you to realize the full extent of my meaning. I mean, we've had abysmal horror films like Cry_Wolf, House of Wax, Saw, Wrong Turn, and even the worst movie of all time, FearDotCom. So, when I tell you that Underworld: Evolution is on a par with all of these oh so instant classics...take it as a warning sign. Start running. Don't let your feet leave the pavement until you get to somewhere where there aren't a dozen people per square mile waiting to club me in the face for saying Saw sucked just then. Get distance between yourself and this steaming pile of Hollywood goregasming. You'll thank me later.
For those of you who, like myself, found the original 2003 Underworld completely forgettable, the film opens up with a handy prologue showing what led to the creation of Underworld's vampire/werewolf feudal mythology many centuries ago in some sort of misbegotten olden time. So handy, in fact, that I still can't decipher any real meaning from it. All I know is that it involves brothers, decapitation, jerky camera movements, quick edits, and it may even have touched upon the subject of water-consciousness. Then again, I don't know. The only things I can tell you for sure are that the usually brilliant Bill Nighy's reprisal of his role as Viktor from the first film is depressing, and it could've basically been entitled The Lord of the Rings: The Really Sucky Pre-Credits Sequence.
But hang on to those pre-credits moments, because that's as close to crafting a plot as screenwriter Danny McBride and director Len Wiseman come. The rest of Underworld: Evolution, picking up seemingly hours after the events from the first, involves dominatrix-y Trinity rip-off vampire Selene (Wiseman's wife, Kate Beckinsale) and her totally bland boy toy vamp/wolf hybrid Michael Corbin (a commentary on the use of electric vehicles for the betterment of nature?; played by Scott Speedman) running from the clutches of some elder hybrid creature thingy with wings and truly hideous make-up named Corvinus (Sir Derek Jacobi) while striving to find the origin of their bloodlines which was, like, completely explained in the pre-credits sequence. Maybe they were still getting their popcorn?
First of all, it's bad news when there are two unintentionally hilarious action sequences already within the first fifteen minutes. Usually, it's bad news when there are just two action sequences within the first fifteen minutes at all, but when they're as bad as the ones on display here, there is something horribly horribly wrong going down, and you're in for a treat, Ed Wood-style...if Ed Wood had been pumped up on steroids and had a lifelong career of watching MTV videos while he should've been doing something, y'know, productive. And for a while, the movie works quite well at doing that. There's a particular moment when Corvinus pulps someone's head that had me in stitches. But then it takes a turn for the even worse. As the film progresses, it slogs on and on, slower and slower until eventually there aren't any laughs to squeeze out of the thing and you're just faced with the fact that there's an hour left of these pale-faced idiots in bad costumes talking with each other and firing guns. Speaking of which, vampires using guns? Well, that just takes all the fun out of the vampire-y thing. Fangs are their weapons, people! Not automatic rifles. Also, please, for the love of God, work on your etiquette, Undead Americans. In these newfangled Hollywood pictures you seem to get more blood from the victims' necks on your chest than in your mouth. Pardon me, but that's just rude.
Underworld: Evolution also is home to some of the most lifeless hero/villain banter I've ever held witness to. "You don't scare me, Selene." "Well, we'll have to work on that, won't we?" Cue smug facial expressions. Spike and Lestat would most certainly be ashamed; where are the morbid cracks? There's not a, "Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals on legs," or a, "There's life in the old lady yet!" in sight. It's rather depressing. I know these folks are supposed to be, like, dead, but a little life wouldn't have hurt. Just a little. Then again, the actors seem even deader than their characters. Kate Beckinsale once again struts her stuff in her clunky leather get-up, and occasionally, she even takes it off for some hot lovin' (I wonder how Wiseman felt directing that? Musta been surreal, telling the woman you love how to lie down so the man can position himself). Scott Speedman is just simply...there...as boring Michael, who, when he wolfs/vamps out looks like some sort of retarded, superpowered chimpanzee. It's like Barnum & Bailey Gone Wild.
Unfortunately, despite how it may sound, Underworld: Evolution is not some great camp classic. It's as disposable as yesterday's Kleenex, and just as unpleasant to look at when opened.
The scariest thing about it is that it got made in the first place.
