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evidenceofme
Monday, 31 January 2005
sessizlik
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whats going on with me? i feel so heavy, i only want to sleep.. where as i only feel alive when i m talking. i have an exam tomorrow.. a shitty exam, i could have passed if i cheated, i didnt have time to write it on the desk,so i couldnt cheat and i failed, and now i have to take this shitty make up exam, which is a stupid shitty subject, i cannot study. and this symptoms of anxiety has taken over me.. I think people call this panic attack.. i feel like a stone.. i m stoned..i travelled to another realm. i cant come back no matter what i do.
anyway.. if i fail( it would be a big event if i do)
i will lose a very big chance, of being a teacher, and having a constant income for the rest of my life, no need to worry about work anymore.. and i love this job, and i do it well, and if dont get this certificate because of this shitty exam.. then i will go back to my hell again! oh my god!
today one american, who claims to have been grown up in England and France, asked me to give private turkish lessons to him! No i m not good at teaching language. But im good at counseling..
So i cant do that.
Please god, help me take that exam, and that job, then i swear everything will go right.
I know my mind has been stuck in my failure with the thesis 2 years ago, i know i fear i will never be able to find my way out again, thats why my mind locks itself in. please, im knocking.. cant you hear me..
Oh yes.. I find out that im someone great who deserves great things..only a little blink makes great things happen.. but why do i try to ruin everything? why dont i let the good things happen?
I dont understand myself.. I have somekind of a war going on, and i dont remember when and why i started hating myself..
.............ok... when i get this job, i swear i will get a therapist.
They wanted a children's book from me.. I cant just be positive and come up with a nice project..
Damn.. I want to sleep again..

Posted by film/peeks at 23:48 EET
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