Wes Craven's Dracula 2000 (2000)
Grade: F
Cast: Gerard Butler, Jonny Lee Miller, Justine Waddell, Christopher Plummer, Vitamin C, Jeri Ryan, Omar Epps, Sean Patrick Thomas
Director: Patrick Lussier
Rated R for violence/gore, sexuality/nudity, language


I know a good vampire film when I see one. 1922’s “Nosferatu” is probably my favorite, though others I have enjoyed are the disappointing but slick comic thriller “Shadow of the Vampire”, the “Blade” films, the elegant and haunting “Interview with the Vampire”, Francis Ford Coppola’s beautiful 1992 freak show “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”, and even the highly overrated 1930s Bela Legosi “Dracula”. “Wes Craven’s Dracula 2000” is not a good vampire movie. It isn’t even a bad vampire movie. It’s a poor concept for a vampire movie that has been transferred to screen without a significant glance at the fact that, gee, maybe it kinda sucks! The only thing remotely scary about the film is that it expects us to keep watching. I guess that isn’t fair criticism since I did keep watching until the blessed credits started to roll, so let me rephrase that: The only thing remotely scary about the film is that it expects us to keep watching without laughing at how horrifically bad it is.

Christopher Plummer is in this film. I’m not as familiar with him as I should be, I suppose, but I know his name, so that already puts him above this film. Plummer plays a vampire hunter or something who is agonized to hear that his nemesis, Drwahck*u*leea (personally, I always called him Dracula—I guess it’s just me) has returned from the grave thanks to a band of robbers trying to rob him. That’s right—Plummer’s character kept Drwahck*u*leea’s coffin. Up to here, the film is alright in a This-sucks-and-I-won’t-remember-it-tomorrow-but-it-ain’t-THAT-bad way. Then it descends into a Gothic nightmare, the kind where the likes of idiotic punk rock music and devastatingly unattractive hair takes its place. It becomes extremely sacrilegious, and this is coming from a guy who is rarely offended regarding jokes about his religion. I have seen Kevin Smith’s “Dogma” and I laughed at almost all of the jokes. But this is just ridiculous. I couldn’t bring myself to be completely offended, though, because the movie is too bad to be taken seriously. Meanwhile, Gerard Butler stalks around blandly, while other incredibly beautiful female vampires (including the inexplicably bare-breasted pop star Vitamin C) strut their stuff in an acting style that elicits teenage male cheers rather than critic’s cheers.

What has happened to the great masters of horror? John Carpenter had “The Thing” and “Halloween”, and is now producing “Ghost of Mars”, which appears to be the cinematic equivalent of his vomit. And Wes Craven, of course. The 1980s horror flick “Nightmare on Elm Street” was wonderful, and Craven revitalized the horror genre in 1996 with the hip, witty, and scary “Scream”. I just watched “Scream” last night, and I’ll say that it makes Craven’s latest failure look even worse. And don’t try to tell me it’s not a failure. “Dracula 2000” is to a piece of crap as “Titanic” is to a modest hit.


-Alex, July 2001