Hardball (2002)
Grade: D-
Cast: Keanu Reeves, Diane Lane, Deprived/Cute/Indistinguishable Children
Director: Brian Robbins
Rated PG-13 for language, thematic elements, some violence


“The Most Important Thing In Life Is Showing Up.”

And I quote the tagline of the mostly horrific ghetto/baseball saga "Hardball". That tagline was not for nothing. Apparently, that is the motto by which Brian Robbins, director, told everyone to live by if they were involved in making this movie. Everyone shows up, alright, but what happened to the movie they were supposed to make? "Hardball" is unsure in its direction, weak in its acting, stupid in its scripting, and confused about its audience—who exactly is this film aimed at? It’s too violent and profane for the little kids who loved "Remember the Titans," and it’s too childish for adults. If it’s for teenagers, well, I can say from gained knowledge that they will, if they see this movie, experience the funniest funeral ever.

It’s basically the story of a compulsive gambler (played by Keanu Reeves to sheer [insert antonym for ‘perfection’ here]) who is, through a series of contrivances, forced to coach a little league baseball team from the ghetto. They’re cute, they’re funny, they have attitude, they say ‘shit’, they listen to rap music, they suck at baseball, and they make Keanu a better person. Good for them. But they just wasted two hours of my life.

The movie is staggeringly stupid in its belief that anyone would buy a second of its emotional manipulation. Just because a character dies, we are expected to cry. Cue the Really Sad Music, cut to a shot of the dying child, so cute and tragic in his pain, and then cut to his friends and brothers reacting sadly to it. Don’t forget to add in a shot of what is probably supposed to be good acting from Keanu Reeves, but comes off a lot more like his imitation of a retarded and continuously constipated moose.

But hey, the movie is funny too, before it goes soft! Really, it is! See, each character has his own little quirk, and these characters play off each other, and even though they say ‘shit’, it’s okay, because they were raised in such an awful environment! It is not their fault, see. They were raised with broken windows and rap music, so they must be little heroes to pull through it all. The children recognize a type of gun by hearing its shot in the distance—what a way to make a message, director Brian Robbins, I must say. So anyway, it’s funny and sad at the same time! Wow! Hehe, boo-hoo!

The most respected person involved in this is Diane Lane. Seeing her here (and in her horribly overcooked "Perfect Storm" performance as well) really makes me kind of sad, almost as sad as the teammates are when Little Kid dies. Her reputation isn’t tarnished, but that’s only because "Hardball" wasn’t a huge hit. One thing about Diane Lane films: in both this and "Unfaithful" (which is, trust me, twenty times the film) boom mics are visible. Does she speak too softly, or was "Hardball" looking for some laughs (its intentional humor certainly wasn’t getting any)?

Watching a Keanu Reeves film is always cinematic Russian roulette—"The Matrix" happened to be an empty barrel—but this may be the poor guy’s worst film. Is there even one area that excels? The most positive reaction it got from me was the infrequent smile, which became more and more frequent as the film became more and more serious. I may have applauded at the sight of the end credits. I don’t remember. I’ve tried to block the experience out, so I can’t be sure.

"Hardball" is the kind of movie I detest most: a message movie so eager to deliver its message that it forgets to be good. It couldn’t have been good with a better lead actor, because you’d still have the terrible direction. It couldn’t have been good with a better director, because you’d still have the awful script. And oh, that script. Some sort of verbal syrup is constantly dripping from the film, and when, occasionally, it made me smile (I guess if there was a bright spot, it was the kid with the headphones), it abruptly stopped that smile because the thing I was smiling at went on for too long and was handled awkwardly. Yes, this is one of the rare breeds—a genre love child that doesn’t understand any of the genres it has in its blood (and the source of this genre love child was an orgy, because there are many genres in this child. Somebody hand me a thesaurus.)

Let’s say "Hardball" got the complete overhaul it needed. Edward Norton replaced Keanu Reeves, and Haley Joel Osment played the whole baseball team (in blackface, and with the aid of some camera tricks). The script was a collaboration between David Mamet, Quentin Tarantino, the Coen brothers, and Wes Anderson. It was co-directed by Martin Scorsese and Steven Spielberg, with special assistance from David Fincher, David Lynch, and Steven Soderbergh. You still have the problem that this is one of the most obvious, Oscar-humping plots in a long, long time. Is the hero flawed? Check. Are there little kids? Check. Do the kids redeem him? Check. Does it make you laugh AND cry? Check. Is there a death? Check. Does the hero have some sort of mental retardation? Well, sorry, that’s one of the things "Hardball" didn’t make the miscalculation of including. For the character to act like Keanu Reeves and a retarded person is too severe a punishment for the protagonist. He’s already a hard-drinking loser with debts all over the town and the body of Keanu Reeves—the last thing he needs is a disability.

I was once told a strange joke that is not very funny out of context but makes perfect sense here. It was about a fairly, but not extremely, religious man named Mike whose favorite food was Pizza Hut pizza. He had just ordered a large pizza from Pizza Hut. He was settling down to eat and putting the pizza in his mouth when a light shone from the sky and God appeared to him. “Mike,” God proclaimed, “if you want to get into Heaven, you must first become familiar with some important life lessons. They are—“ But God was interrupted by Mike. “God, my man,” Mike said, “does this have to be done now? I’m eating my pizza, dude.” When I saw "Hardball", it occurred to me that if Mike saw it too, he would experience an uncanny sense of déjà vu.


-Alex, July 2002