Cats & Dogs (2001)
Grade: D+
Cast: Jeff Goldblum, Elizabeth Perkins
Voice Cast: Tobey Maguire, Alec Baldwin, Sean Hayes, Joe Pantoliano, Jon Lovitz, Susan Sarandon
Director: Lawrence Guterman
Rated PG for animal action and humor


“Cats & Dogs”, the latest in a painful series of mindless ‘PG’-rated movies trying to pass as decent family entertainment, is basically harmless, but has a lack of reason for existence, since it is not funny and has nothing new to offer. The special effects, I must note, are great. They’re the highlight of the otherwise painfully dull, cheesy, embarrassing film. But the problem with special effects being the best thing about “Cats & Dogs” is that we are currently living in a movie-going society that eats up a special effects-driven, ‘eye candy’ film nearly every week. Let me sidetrack and prove my point. In the months of May and June 2001, we have had the following (give or take a few questionable selections): “The Mummy Returns”, “Shrek”, “Pearl Harbor”, “Evolution”, “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider”, “Atlantis: The Lost Empire”, “Dr. Dolittle 2”, and “A.I.”. The fact that I am praising the special effects in “Cats & Dogs” does not mean what it would have meant, say, eight years ago.

There is a war being waged, cats against dogs (this is the premise in 9 words, and as it stands, it is not nearly as clever as it thinks it is). Tobey Maguire plays Lou, a dog agent who is constantly framed by cats for doing bad things, such as taking a crap in the middle of a hall. If war is like this, I feel sorry for Hitler and his bad reputation. It eventually comes to the point where it is up to Lou to save his family, especially the poor little lovable boy (I don’t understand this, being that the boy treating him like a piece of trash since the day they got him up until the Clichéd Transformation section of the film), who have been kidnapped by the nefarious pussy Mr. Tinkles (‘Will & Grace’’s flamboyantly gay Jack/Sean Hayes, who isn’t as bad as the movie is). Meanwhile, Jeff Goldblum sits miserably wondering where the heck his career has gone, and you can see him saying to himself, “I knew “Holy Man” was a mistake. Look what it did to me.” Between barely hidden sadness, he barks out embarrassingly sarcastic lines like “Bad…talking cat!”

As I said, the film clearly aspires (and fails) to be clever. It is a “Shrek” wannabe. In “Shrek”, I forced back a frown as they satirized “The Matrix”, because the way they did it was fairly clever (at least as clever as it’s ever been done). Here, I didn’t bother forcing anything back. I’m pretty sure I moaned. Either that, or I was asleep because of the film’s Bore Factor, and am just recalling the parody from the film’s trailer. Kids in the audience were busy laughing their heads off, and I was busy wondering if they were even old enough to have seen “The Matrix”. My guess is that they thought it was a parody of “Shrek”.

However, there are a few good lines. I loved how Alec Baldwin’s Butch (who has already starred in the cinematically constipated role of Dolittle in “Pearl Harbor” just over a month ago—poor guy…) at one point uttered “Son of my mom…” I also loved a conversation between Mr. Tinkles and another cat as they leave a burning room: “I want you to stay in here.” “Why?” “Because I hate you.” The opening scene is mildly amusing, and Mr. Tinkle’s reward to a bunch of mice for their contributions to his evil plan (the whole continent of Australia) made me laugh.

Otherwise, though, the film is a bloated mess. Director Lawrence Guterman puts tedium on speed dial, but hilarity on hold. You have to wonder why anyone was attracted to the movie. And people were attracted. Look at the voice talent: Tobey Maguire, Michael Clarke Duncan, Charlton Heston, Jon Lovitz, Sean Hayes, Susan Sarandon (I forgot to mention her character; it’s a sexy bitch [meaning canine love interest] that shows up every couple scenes to compensate for her underwritten, inert being), Alec Baldwin, and Jeff Goldblum. It’s pretty sad that the resulting movie is as…well, sad…as “Cats & Dogs”. You’d think a movie with such a sophisticated premise…aw, nevermind, it never had anything going for it.


-Alex, June 2001