Rob Zombie shows us that he doesn't have at all what it takes to be a filmmaker. A horror movie is one thing, but if this classifies as that, then I should die a slow and painful death. Okay, so lets see. The movie begins and a group of teenagers are driving down a road late at night. The car breaks down and they notice a house near by. Since they have such high intelligence they enter the house and the stupidity of a freak show begins. They are greeted by some fat bald man named Captain Spaulding. Terrible acting by eighty-five percent of the actors in this movie including this man. And it just seems that everytime they meet humans(not that they are one themselves, but who knows) it humors them and they laugh hysterically, sometimes in groups.

Well, these four teenagers walk in like dumbasses and Captain Spaulding gives them a tour of the entire house. He tells them the story behind "Dr. Satan." It seemed liked that haunted house ride at magic kingdom. Doors opened and these robotic machines that are made to look human are minding their business. They are killing,suiciding and many other things. Spaulding opens one and he says "Dr. Satan" would kidnap these people and cut their hands off and would do basically anything that involved blood, obviously.

As the first scene was completed, I knew what this movie was leading too, but I still had some hope for it. Maybe something up Zombies sleeve. Well that didn't happen. They jump back in their car, all ready and fixed up and they drive away, none scared by the way. Very rainy day it is and as they drive down, they see a young woman on the side of the road. The driver brakes and asks her where she lives and it happens that she lives 4 miles down and right by may I say this once again is, "Dr. Satan's" house. He buys it and he lets her in the car. They stop by her house and she invites them in.

Laughing gas must have struck her because for every little thing, she laughs with a very high note and for a length of eighty-eight minutes. They walk in and a Rob Zombie clone is her father and her mother is around 65 years of age. They all sit down in couches and the mother walks in and seems to be attracted to one of them because she sits next to one of these kids and shows some skin(specifically her thighs and midriff). Still no plot has arrived in this movie, but plenty of bad acting and comedy has hit us.

The next scene they sat around a table with candles and I guess wanted to make contact with the spirits. Some stupid guy with a mask walks in and sits down. They stare at him for 5 seconds. The mother of the blond chick comes in and tells him to leave the room. More comedy and still no true horror. Now, I knew that my 5 dollars and 25 cents were being wasted.

Later on the kids enter a room where there is a woman singing(lip singing) which reminded me of the film "Mulholland Dr". Which is a masterpiece by David Lynch and should never be compared to pure poop as the "House of 1000 Corpses." Well the woman gets on top of one of the teen's boyfriend and she gets mad. She walks up to the girl and knocks her down on her ass. The lady singing takes out her knife and points it at the girl and they tell her to calm down and some other non sense.

Well, the kids get back in their car and continue driving. They need to make up their mind in my opinion, either stay in a house or stay in the car. By now I would stay in the car and crash it, to end the misery this is putting me through. He hits the brake because something is on the road. He goes to take it away and two humans with costumes walk up to him and the comedy begins again. They walk up to him with a bat like theres no tomorrow. The girls scream and say "Oh My God" and they stay inside of course because they know he is not really getting hurt, its just part of the bad acting. After a few minutes the other guy gives it a try to rescue his friend and gets beat even worse. Once thats finished, the two costume guys break the windshield of the car and takes the girls. This then cuts to them tied up. How did they get back to an interior place. Did those guys drive, did they carry them all the way to the house. There's no plot remember, it just happens.

I'm really pissed off at this point, but I'm one that always sees an entire film, I dont walk out of a pure black shit movie. It's hilarious because my friend next to me kept talking under his breath how bad it is and that he can't take this anymore. Sometimes I wouldn't know if he is talking to me or himself, but I would continue to analyze the film. I had three other friends that came and I think one or two of them were actually enjoying this. Im not sure if it was sarcasm, but I hope it was.

As they were kidnapped a few die and they made one of them look like a fish. It was ridiculous. During all this I forgot to mention all the laughing the evil girls bring to this tragedy. Thats all they did. So these people are enjoying torturing these teens and they try to make an escape several times. The evil guys take these kids to a semetary and put them in a coffin. They send them underground and there is zombies and a room full of corpses that they later on discover. The girl somehow gets back up to the ground and she hears voices. The blond girl jumps on her with a knife and stabs the crap out of her. If I can recall it was about 6 to 8 times, it was an extremely bloody part.

The great finale is not much and why would it be, if they fucked everything up already. One girl survives and she jumps into a car with Captain Spaulding, the fat bald guy I talked about in the beginning of this review. Shes really beat up and exhausted so she lies back on the seat. In the backseat, the Rob Zombie clone is there and he stabs the crap out of her. Fades to Black and the screen says the two words that I've been wanting to hear for a long period of time, "The End."

Zombie expected blood and gore to provide horror to us, but it didnt and instead it was funny. Don't see this movie if your life depended on it. Oh yeah and I'll talk to Hollywood abut changing the genre from horror to comedy. This film was true torture, I wanted to smack the cast, I wanted to smack the crew, I wanted to smack Zombie.

Rating: (Flawless)