One Asteroid (or Planet,) Extra Crispy, To Go:
 "Science Shocker of the Space Age" Starring Dean Fredericks, Coleen Gray, and Anthony Dexter Written by Fred De Gorter, Fred Gebhardt, William Marshall, and William Telaak Directed by William Marshall American, 1961 Consider the following: a sci-fi movie where a rather funny looking man ends up on an asteroid populated with tiny people who are at war with a race of equally tiny monsters. Throw in corny effects, bad science, and lame acting from almost every actor involved. You wouldn't think you could go wrong with this, but indeed, you can. Viz The Phantom Planet, a movie that comes to a complete stop once the astronaut arrives on the asteroid. Similar in that respect is the film Fire Maidens of Outer Space. In addition, this movie stars Anthony "Tony" Dexter, who was also in Fire Maidens, as well as 12 to the Moon. Yes, his career sure was on fire. We begin with a countdown from 10, followed by stock footage of a nuclear explosion at sea (I believe we see the Bikini Atoll test). Then we get loud, dramatic narration provided by Marvin Miller. Robbie the Robot himself! Let's dissect this narration: "Since the splitting of the atom only a few decades ago, and through his God-given genius of science, man has at last succeeded in penetrating further and further into the unknown vastness of space."I smell a hint of Christian moralizing. There is a lot of it, sometimes subtle, in movies from this era. After all, evil communists are godless demons! I also smell some "overwriting". Really, the four (!) writers of this movie should have put the thesaurus away when they wrote this. "The Moon has become the launching base for advance exploration. From this pivotal point, astronauts at the risk of their lives set out to conquer nature's mysterious forces. Yet many questions remain unanswered. What is his Earth in relation to the inconceivable number of other worlds? Is his speed truly the fastest, his achievements the greatest? Or is he a mere unimportant piece of driftwood, floating in the vast ocean of the universe?"I'm fascinated by a question of my own: Why is humanity a 'he'? "Could there be life similar to our own on other planets? Is it not possible that atmospheric conditions of relative environments control their shapes and forms?"What's a "relative environment"? Like I said earlier, four writers can only cause problems in a script. "If so, would they be giants, or could perhaps the opposite be true? Could their intellect have reached a scientific level far beyond man's dreams? What then will the future reveal if this story you are about to witness is only... the beginning?"So far, so good. During this narration, we see scenes of the Moon, asteroids, stars, galaxies, planets, and rockets. Standard stuff. We cut to an exterior of a rocket flying through space. It's long and pointy, with three swept fins. The effects aren't bad. The interior isn't that bad either. Many blinking lights, gauges, meters, panels, screens, controls, etc. are visible. There's only room for the two crewmembers, and the seating arrangement is more like one aboard an airplane cockpit. This looks more like a rocketship to me than most others in the movies. There is a round panel, perhaps a radar screen, between the two men. It looks like the door to a washing machine. The two men are in G-suits that look like leftovers from 12 to the Moon. The captain makes an entry in the log and thereby gives us the date: March 16, 1980. Whoa! 1980?! The writers assumed that in nineteen years, there would be bases and such on the Moon? Isn't that a little optimistic, given that in 1961 NASA was only three years old? I must be jaded by today's NASA: cost overruns, stubbornly incomplete space stations, costly disasters. Anyway, using a tape recorder, the captain informs us that this flight is with the U.S. Air Force, and that they are 21,000 miles from their base on the Moon. In the overall scheme of the Earth-Moon system, that's not a terribly great distance. He gives their position using some complex system involving azimuths and ecliptic coordinates. He blabbers about some trajectory computer they are using, and we see a bright dot on the radar screen making a slow circle about the middle. I hope that's not their position about the Moon, or else they'd be flying very fast and erratically. Everything is quiet, and the captain is eager to get back to the "dreary, old" Moon. Suddenly, the navigator reports that their rocket is nearly a degree off-course. He reports that there must be an "outside acceleration force." A bit of a redundant term, as force causes acceleration. We see the rocket swerve to port. Next, we see a shot of an asteroid approaching the rocket. This must be the titular Phantom Planet. The crew watches it slowly creep up to them on their screens. This asteroid looks like a hybrid between a piece of popcorn and a piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Fig. 1 - Deep-fried chicken wings, which bear resemblances to the asteroids in the film  Fig. 2 - The Phantom Planet They go into evasive mode and the captain hurriedly records this in the log. They look like they're being crushed into their seats, and the navigator says the asteroid is exerting eleven Gs on them. That's quite a force! They have no control of the rocket, and the asteroid is going to slam into them. A weird and distracting camera effect makes us think that the rocket is shaking rapidly. The captain screams with all the fright and acting ability of a stone, and there's an explosion. Game over. Now we get the main title, done in a deep-fried font. Another title proudly proclaims that this is a '4 Crown Production'. Francis X. Bushman is in this movie, as is Richard Kiel, who played Jaws in two Bond films. During the credits, asteroids fly by in flocks. Flocking is a well-known trait of asteroid behaviour. There sure are a lot of credits. After the credits, we cut to the Moon, and to a base on the near side. The modelwork is so-so. Inside, two military brass talk about the two ships per month they've been losing mysteriously. Apparently, their rockets crash into an asteroid "big enough to be a planet" which then vanishes from radar. One of them notes that this goes against "theories of space." What would those theories be? Anyway, they're both frustrated. At this point, we see two female officers with big hair seated at communication stations. One of them receives a call from a General on Earth, who then asks Colonel Lansfield for answers. Lansfield says that there's nothing they can do to fight this because the asteroid keeps vanishing. The General orders Lansfield to dispatch Captain Frank Chapman (Dean Fredericks) on a recon mission to find out more about this planet/asteroid (the terms are used interchangeably in this movie.) Lansfield is reluctant as Frank was going to be saved for a Mars mission, but the General informs Lansfield that unless this is solved, there won't be a Mars mission. Lansfield is forced to comply. Enter Frank Chapman. I think the actor dyed his hair blonde. He's a little odd looking. I'm no model myself, but I could see him playing some sort of alien in a movie, needing only the least amount of makeup to complete the look. Anyway, Frank is told he's going on a recon mission, and he jokes about the planet/asteroid. He's okay with it, though, so he goes.  Fig. 3 - Captain Frank Chapman His rocket takes off from the base, and flies away from the Moon. Aboard, Navigator Ray Makonnen reads the stats. I thought this actor looked familiar. Upon further investigation, I found out that he was played by Richard Weber, who also played Dr. Ruskin in 12 to the Moon. This movie is a 'bactor' reunion. Anyhoo, Ray reads the status of the ship. Frank flicks some switches, and all in all, I'm almost convinced I'm witnessing a real rocket takeoff. Everything is okay so far, so they relax and watch the Moon receding out the aft viewer. Then, breaking the relative peace, Ray speaks the following line of stupidity: "You know captain, every day of my life I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best are to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful, if we just take the time to look at it."Erm. Did I hear this right? Forgetting the missing words ("wisest and best" what?) I wondered if he was talking about the Moon, or exercising a demented line in an ill-fated attempt to try and hit on Frank. I mean, what is up with this line? Bad Movie Philosophy, at its best. The Moon calls, and it's Col. Lansfield on the radio. There's nothing to report on Frank's end. Everything is normal so far. Frank is ordered to stay on course. Rocket exterior shot. According to a VERY analog chronometer, it has been fourteen and a half hours since takeoff. Nothing is outside, and they're still on course. Then Frank gets the bright idea to deviate from course, using the old "lightning never strikes the same place twice" analogy. More time passes. Frank is getting frustrated since absolutely nothing is happening. Ray looks at this as if it's a fishing trip. Fishing for killer asteroids while looking for the good and the beautiful. The Moon calls, demanding to know why they've changed course. Ray and Frank check their instruments, but none of them are working. They're in a heavy magnetic field, and then they lose contact with the Moon entirely. We see a clump of asteroids, or "meteors" as they are referred to in the film, approaching them outside. Yes, once again, it's time for the:  We see a shot of the asteroids and the rocket, but it's only a near miss. However, a second flock of them is approaching and will strike them. Frank takes control and we get to hear lots of numbers and measurements thrown around. Jargon, jargon, jargon. Frank points the rocket into the storm, and the asteroids fly past them on all sides. Ray is confused by some of the readings he's getting, and Frank explains that the asteroids leave behind "ionized trails" which last for a while afterwards. Can that happen in the vacuum of space? I sort of doubt it, but never mind. Frank wants to head back to the Moon for a damage check, but before they can go, they realize the rocket was damaged and can't return. Their only option is an EVA to fix the trouble. We see the rocket in space for 6.5 seconds before Frank and Ray emerge from the door. They are still in their G-suits, but now they've got space helmets on. Those G-suits must be very tight to hold their guts in. They hang on to the body of the rocket as they shimmy along aft. They inspect a panel on the side of the rocket emitting white smoke. They talk to each other, but we can't hear what they say. The panel is opened, and it sprays smoke at Ray (I think it's Ray.) Inside the panel there are a few pipes and cables, electrical cables that are commonly found in houses. An unseen retrorocket feed line is cut. How is a line so deep in the body of the rocket cut when there is no other damage? There's no massive hole that any damaging asteroid chunk would have punched. But wait, we have one more exciting part before Frank (and the movie) crashes, and that's the final  Some little asteroid pieces flash by the astronauts as they work, but they don't see because their heads are inside this panel. The bits ricochet (complete with sounds) off the body of the rocket, and one cuts Frank's air hose in his space suit. Frank doesn't realize it at first, but he slumps over, and Ray spots the problem. He helps the unconscious Frank back into the rocket, but just before he can get inside himself, a meteor strikes him and causes him to let go of the ship and float away into space. A simple tether could have prevented this. That would be the first thing these astronauts would have attached to their suits. No matter, Ray floats off. Just before the scene ends, we hear him make a final prayer to God. He knows he's going to die. Down on the Moon, everyone is looking for Frank on radar, but his ship is out of range. Frank comes to and gets up. He stumbles into the cockpit calling out for Ray, but quickly realises what happened. Then he glances at the screen. The killer deep fried asteroid is approaching. Frank switches on his recorder and makes messages. We see a shot of a beam emanating from the asteroid, pulling Frank's ship in. Frank is going to try and land instead of crash like the others. The rocket gets pulled in. Frank fires the main engines, and we see that weird camera effect used again. It's more annoying than anything. The rocket is brought down on its side, and lands gently on the rough surface. With the excitement over, Frank gets in his spacesuit, and climbs out of the rocket. He looks around. The surface looks dry and sandy, with rocky knobs and outcrops all over the place but with an artificial quality about it. It actually resembles the bottom of an aquarium. He looks around some more, and then falls off the rocket and onto the ground. Is he woozy still or what? He stands up, and there looks to be an Earthy level of gravity present. He looks around some more, and falls down again. We get a close up of Frank's vaguely disturbing mug, and superimposed over this are some weird camera effects and sounds that indicate he's having a flashback. Indeed, we see a flashback that effectively recaps the first twenty minutes of the movie. He dreams about the Inevitable Meteor Storm, the call from the Moon about being off-course, his broken air hose, the landing on the asteroid, and other things. The flashback ends. That was a good time to fetch a drink. He looks out his spacesuit visor, and sees a half-dozen or so men approaching him outside. There's just one twist: the people are only a few inches tall. They look exactly like humans, but are very tiny. Isn't there a minimum size for intelligent life? I mean, cells can only shrink a certain amount before they no longer contain enough atoms for enough DNA, right? If these people are this small, their brains must be the size of peas. I'm not a biologist, so I guess I shouldn't comment on this. I can ask the following question: since when does an asteroid have an atmosphere capable of supporting life? Oh right, I forgot this asteroid is big enough to be a planet. I'm getting confused. Frank can't believe what he sees, so he stares at them. They come right up to his visor and tap on it. Frank looks at them for a little while, but then stands up again. The little men scatter, and Frank lurches about a little before he falls right back down again. Maybe he shouldn't have left the rocket. This time, the impact caused his helmet visor to fall off, and then we see Frank shrinking inside his suit with the use of a weird-looking photographic effect. I was laughing simply at the implausibility of what I was seeing. So now Frank is really tiny. He struggles to escape from his monstrous space suit, and he walks through his own helmet, presumably naked. No, check that, his pants have somehow shrunk with him. Okay, that makes a lot of sense. The aliens approach again, noting that he must stand trial for some reason. Frank tries hiding from them, but a few of the men enter the helmet. We see a brief, rather tame struggle between Frank and an alien, but Frank is outnumbered, and subdued. We cut to a courtroom setting, only in a cavern with walls of bare rock. A small crowd stands in the background, and the judge is present, as is an older man named Sessom (played by Francis X. Bushman,) who is the leader of the aliens. There also stands a pair of women, a blonde (Coleen Gray) and an Elizabeth Taylor look-alike. Then we see a woman collect votes or something from the jurors who stand off to the side. The jurors are all female. Frank is brought in as a prisoner. We hear the first instance of therimin-based "space music" on the soundtrack that permeates this movie like an infestation of fungus. It's quiet music, but highly irritating. Frank demands to know what he's been charged with, but he is forced to answer the judge's questions first. He tells us where he's from and what he does for a living. He notes that these aliens speak English, and Sessom tells us that they are not, but here on "Raeton" they are able to translate languages through "voice tone waves." Just wait, the science gets worse. One guy present, a man named Herron (Anthony Dexter), gets angered at the slow pace of things. They get to the charges. Frank is accused of assaulting a Raeton man, but Frank pouts and says he crashed there and was defending himself. The judge explains that they saved him from dying by "releasing the pressure" in their "space warp," this allowing Frank to land instead of crash. So, they brought him down. They practically pulled him in. Frank is confused. Join the club. The jury votes, and a guilty verdict is returned. Frank is "sentenced" to live out the rest of his life as a free citizen of Raeton. Hey, looks like they adopted the Canadian justice system (it boils my blood, so don't get me started on it...) Frank is mad, claiming that he was brought here unwillingly. Let's evaluate this. They practically abducted him, scared him with tiny aliens, and then arrested and tried him for defending himself? WTF?! Sessom explains that Frank must not be allowed to go, lest he give the secret of Raeton's existence away. Frank is still PO'ed, but he's told that he won't be hurt. The blonde girl standing off to the side, named Liara, escorts Frank to his new room. The Liz Taylor look-alike doesn't speak, but looks down at the ground with sadness. She does this a lot. I think this is the extent of her acting ability. Liara helps Frank find his room. She explains this in the movie's twisted way: "Our atmosphere, together with some acceleration from our gravitational control, has reduced you to normal."Where normal is their small size. Does this gibberish make any sense to you? Frank seemed to stand on the surface okay when he initially landed. Besides, any body with this much gravity entering or even approaching the Earth-Moon system would disrupt the positions of the planets, and may affect the entire solar system! ARRRGGGGHHH!!! Apparently, everything on Raeton is small, but in proportion to the small size of the actual asteroid/planet. Frank is alarmed, thinking this size change is permanent, but Liara says that oxygen will return him to normal size. Please Frank, ask her how this works. I would love to hear an explanation! She then rather rudely tells him that he will never see Earth again. We cut back to the Moon. Oh yeah, I forgot about them. It's been two days, and no contact has been made yet with Frank's rocket. Lansfield says he'll wait another twenty-four hours before sending out a search party. In space, there is no excuse for being out of contact with home base. It's not like they're on a submarine or anything. Sessom meets with Frank. Frank, of course, wants to go home, but Sessom has other plans. Specifically, he intends to find a place for Frank in Raeton society, and that place is one where Frank must find out how to prevent more of our rockets from finding their deep-fried-and-breaded homeworld. The others that came before Frank crashed, but when Frank came along, they realized what to do to prevent the rockets from crashing. Why, if they wish to keep themselves secret, are they compelled to fly in the way of our rockets and pull them in? Did the multitudes of writers actually think when they wrote this? Frank notes the dichotomy between their level of technology and the "primitive" way in which they live. Sessom explains a tired old story I've heard many times in bad sci-fi: their ancestors were advanced, relegated their work to machines, suffered for it, and reverted back to a simpler life. The Raeton people chose to keep a few technological goodies, however, like the gravity controller thingy and food production methods. Herron shows up, and is PO'ed at something or other, as always. Nevertheless, Sessom will show Frank how to be a good little Raetonian. In fact, Frank will be so good and like Raeton so much, Sessom offers Frank a woman to be his wife. Frank can choose between the smarmy Liara, or the oddly silent Liz Taylor look-alike, whose name we finally learn is Zetha and who is in fact mute. Herron seems to want Liara for himself, but Liara gives him the cold shoulder and decides to show Frank around. Zetha stands there watching them leave, and looks down at the ground with another sad gaze. Next we get to see Frank eat some Raeton bread. Liara says that they grow their food chemically since nothing will grow in the barren soil on the surface of the asteroid. They really picked a nice place to live. Liara also says that Raeton people don't need much food because of the air they breathe. Since when are proteins, carbohydrates, and other nutrients airborne? Urrrggghhh, this movie... Clearly, it did not have a science advisor. Later, Frank lies in bed, and Liara is with him. He still wants to leave, and she finds that strange. He gets up and instructs her on the proper use of his name (Frank Chapman, not Frankchapman.) She gets testy and offended, but he apologizes. He wants to see his rocket, but he can't. It was ejected into space. Frank realizes he really will be there for a long while. We see a shot of the said rocket drifting in space. Inside, the tape recorder is playing back Frank's last reports of the asteroid. The Moonbase's radar finds the rocket, and we get to hear some meaningless and often obvious talk that is meant to pad out the movie. Padding is not what we need. The movie is slow enough now! A second rocket is dispatched to meet Frank's ship, and Lansfield commands the new ship to find out what happened. Sure enough, we get to see more rocket play! The rescue rocket intercepts the dead one. The door opens, and an astronaut jumps from one rocket to another. Be careful jumping, or else you'll end up like our Good and Beautiful-seeking friend. This new astronaut enters Frank's rocket and finds that it has been abandoned. They will arrange to have both rockets back on the Moon as soon as possible. On Raeton, Frank sits at a table drawing or writing something. He stops and says to Liara that he needs to know more about this asteroid/planet's "directional controls" before he can go on. I have an idea. Make a suggestion to Sessom to stop buzzing our Moon with this asteroid of his! So, with more of that vaguely annoying music, Frank and Liara meet Sessom and Herron in the control room. Frank asks about the "gravity control." Wait, wasn't it the "directional controls" he was interested in? WTF?! Herron quietly advises Sessom against talking about it in case Frank is a Solarite spy. Don't worry, we'll see the Solarites later in the movie. You can't miss them. Everyone looks to a large viewscreen on the wall, showing the asteroid. It moves back and forth with a throbbing sound while Sessom pilots the asteroid. Raeton's high gravity has allowed the Raeton people to master gravity and antigravity (is there such a thing?) and apply the two forces. Frank notes with wonder that Einstein was working on this before he died. I thought Einstein was working on a Generalized Theory of Gravitation in an effort to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity, but never mind. Like I said, I'm no physicist :p Anyway, Sessom then goes on to say that Raeton is more dense than regular asteroids because its atoms have smaller electron orbits about the nucleus, or something like that. Unfortunately, because of this, Raeton is using up the "energy that holds the atomic particles together," thus causing the asteroid to shrink very slowly over time. It won't happen for a great many years (billions, I guess), but sudden bursts of heat could accelerate the process. I wonder if Einstein, Hawking, Bohr, or any other great scientist would find this movie hilarious in a way I could never understand. Sessom then hints at expecting an attack using heat. They have enemies. The Solarites, perhaps? By now, the movie has really ground to a halt. Frank wanders the corridors, eventually stumbling upon Zetha's room. She's lying down inside, apparently using a slab of granite as a bed. She gets up and greets Frank (wordlessly, of course), and she and Frank go for a walk. He makes a pun about her muteness. They go to Frank's enormous spacesuit. Outside the helmet, he tells her (and us) that he has a liking for her, and thinks that she's "more sensitive" than Liara. Zetha smiles at him. I like her because she doesn't talk too much. The two of them walk off, but then we hear a sinister blast of music, and we see Herron emerge from inside the helmet, where he was spying on them. He looks mad. Herron reports his findings to Sessom, accusing Frank of "imposing" himself upon both Zetha and Liara, the latter of which is also an insult to him since he wants Liara. He "demands" permission to fight Frank in some kind of ceremonial duel. Zetha, Liara, and Frank waltz into the control room. Hmm, Frank's building up a real bevy of women. Those astronauts, they're always such sex symbols... Herron asks Zetha if Frank "imposed" himself upon her, and she shakes her head. He accuses her of defending Frank, and finally gets around to challenging him to a "duel of bravery." Frank, for reasons beyond my understanding, agrees to it to clear the air between him and Herron. Why? You're a prisoner on an alien asteroid/planet, being challenged in some ceremony you know nothing about. Why are you agreeing?! Oh well, his mind is made. Later, Frank and Herron stand in the control room bare-chested. A crowd of mainly women is there to watch. The judge from before points out two square plates on the dirt floor. They are "gravity plates," and if they walk on them, the intense gravity radiating up from the plates will destroy them. The judge demonstrates by vaporizing a rock. We see some weird vapour-like effects over the plate, and the rock vanishes. Gravity does not vaporize things, but never mind. Herron and Frank will hold one end of an I-shaped metal bar and try to push the other over their gravity plate to win the duel. We see this big bar dragged onto the playing field in the middle of the control room, and everyone watches. The judge signals, and the fight begins. It lasts about 51 seconds, and it still manages to be boring. At first, Herron appears to almost win, but Frank comes back and almost manages to get Herron over the plate. The crowd is screaming for blood, and Herron is bent backwards over his plate. How come the gravity doesn't affect him? How come it doesn't pull down the cave ceiling, anyway? Predictably, Frank pulls Herron back up, saying that he doesn't want to kill him. Herron falls in relief, and Liara smiles. Victorious, Frank leaves the room with Liara. Again, Zetha looks at the ground despondently. In his quarters, Liara proclaims her love for Frank, but he spurns her. He claims that she was only waiting to see who would win. Uh, yeah! She can't love a dead man, now can she? He says he still misses Earth, and if she really loves him, she would help him get back. She agrees to help, but is peeved at the rejection. Later, Frank sleeps on his granite slab bed. A knife appears from off-camera and is held against his throat. It's Herron, who wakes Frank up with the knife. He says he will help Frank escape, to repay him for letting him live in the duel. It also gets Frank away from Liara, which is what Herron wants. Why the knife? Oh, I see. It adds drama to an otherwise dry, pointless film. Herron asks Frank if there is still Earth air in his space suit, and there is. Herron wants to get Frank back before rockets are sent to look for him, which will inevitably happen. This will all be done under Sessom's nose, when Herron gets the control room to himself. He plans to manoeuvre Raeton close to the Moon, where they can find Frank and rescue him at full size and without seeing any Raeton people. We hear an annoying, piercing sound. Everyone rushes off to the control room, and Frank follows along. Sessom is already there, piloting the asteroid. They're being attacked by the Solarites. Herron assumes his station and does whatever it is he's supposed to be doing. Frank and Herron whisper loudly and briefly about the escape plan while Sessom stands right there. Miraculously, he doesn't hear a thing. On the main screen, a cluster of a dozen or so small, flaming objects collects outside the asteroid. Sessom says they're safe for the moment. Herron explains everything to Frank and us: The Solarites are from a "Sun Satellite." Doesn't this include every planet in the Solar System? The Solarites want the gravity control technology to prevent their planet from falling into the sun. However, the Raetons must protect their technology and destroy the Solarites before they inevitably attack Earth. Just give them the technology, let them save themselves! At no time are the Solarites made out to be evil except for their desire to acquire (that rhymes!) technology that can save their species! As they approach outside, Liara takes Frank down to some kind of dungeon they have, where a captured Solarite bangs about in a jail cell, throwing rocks at the walls. We don't get a very good look at it as it's dark in there, but I could tell right away that the costume was bad. A lumpy head and pointy shoulders. Liara explains that it was captured in an attack a few years earlier, an attack that rendered Zetha mute. The force field is made using the gravity controller thingy to set up a high intensity magnetic field forming a solid wall out of atoms or something. Let me state here that magnetism and gravity are two unrelated forces. Thank you. Anyway, the monster could kill them all with sheer strength, but the magnetic wall keeps it inside. Unfortunately, only that one wall is a magnetic doohicky. The rest of the cell's walls are bare rock. Why doesn't it escape through those walls? No matter. Frank says he shouldn't be surprised that the Earth should be the only planet in the universe with life. Back in the control room, everyone watches the sparkly fire ships gang up on the asteroid on the viewscreen. Sessom and the others have to break up their formation or something. Don't ask for quotes at this point, I was getting tired by now. We see the fire ships flying towards the asteroid. We don't get a good view of them, but they're on fire (?!), small, and black. Finally, we do get a close-up, and it looks like a burning hourglass-shaped ball of paper. We even get to see a Solarite inside the small ship, looking out through a set of bars, which protect him from the vacuum of space. Now we get a good look at the face of a Solarite. Big eyes that are painted on to look googly. A two-lobed brain protruding out atop its head. Vaguely insectoid, with a mouth that appears to be made out of plastic and is thus immobile. It's a pretty silly costume, all in all. It makes a roaring, growling kind of sound.  Fig. 4 - A Solarite Sessom takes control of the asteroid, piloting the asteroid away as the Solarites fire lasers at the asteroid. They follow the asteroid. Frank seems impressed by what he sees. Sessom is revved up, wanting to beat the Solarites once and for all. They have heat bombs capable of destroying the entire asteroid. The asteroid rotates and spins in space, arranging itself into "attack position" while the Solarites approach. They fire, but nothing happens. There aren't even sounds inside the asteroid, or shaking effects. In the dungeon, which seems to be deserted spare the imprisoned creature, the magnetic wall starts flickering. The fire ships shoot the asteroid, and one shot penetrates the jail cell and disables the magnetic wall, allowing the creature to escape. Sessom orders that the "gravity curtain" be deployed, and we see a lame animated beam thingy radiating out from the asteroid at the fire ships, which seems to slow down and stop inside the beam. The ships all blow up. Well that was easy! Liara is delighted, but Sessom regrets having to kill them all. The Solarite approaches the door to its cell. The costume seems to have feathers, or feather-like fuzz on it. The shoulders are tall and pointed. Inside this costume is Richard Kiel, Jaws himself, though you wouldn't know it. In fact, on the DVD box, it lists Richard Kiel's appearance in this movie as a selling point... though you don't see him or hear him talk! Anyway, the Solarite gingerly leaves the cell. Sessom tells everyone that he's going to bed. Zetha is already in bed. Did she go during the fight? The Solarite leaves the dungeon. It walks around, stumbling into Zetha's room, where she sleeps. For the next 31 long seconds, we see the creature sort of waste time in Zetha's room, examining her hair and just walking around. All the while, there is some light music. Breaking the mindnumbing monotony, the lights fade in and out and eventually go out completely for no explained reason. The Solarite is startled and backs away from Zetha, who wakes up in the darkness. She gets up and blindly feels around the walls, eventually touching the Solarite. It raises its hand (note the little suckers on the fingertips,) and in a scene reminiscent of the one in War of the Worlds among other movies, it touches her shoulder. She falls away from the Solarite, looking terrified but not making a sound. It reaches out again, and she faints. It then picks her up and carries her away. It then walks around in the hallways outside her room for a while before gently laying her out on the floor by a wall. Shouldn't the editor have removed these useless scenes, or maybe the filmmakers want us to see the gentler side of the heinous Solarite. Sessom approaches, walking down the hall. The Solarite hides, waits for Sessom to pass, leaps out, and grabs him. Sessom shouts for help, and the Solarite runs. Frank, Herron, and Liana run to his aid. Sessom is okay, on the ground. Herron suspects the Solarite is out and about, causing trouble. Meanwhile, the Solarite took Zetha again and is now carrying her to the control room, where it puts her down again. It then heads to the gravity controller thing, and plays with it. I looked closely at the controls. They look like plastic wine goblets with various bits missing. Frank rushes into the control room after carefully being directed there by Herron. He finds Zetha, and she's okay. The Solarite stands over them, and is well within Frank's line of sight, but somehow he doesn't see it standing just a foot away! She sees it first and screams. Hey, she cheated! The Solarite throws Frank onto the ground, and slowly advances on him. Herron runs in, and together they take pot shots at the Solarite, trying to herd it onto one of the gravity plates. Eventually, it stands on the plate and it activates. However, only one foot is on the plate. Mr. Kiel clearly repositions himself so that he stands squarely on the plate. It roars, surrounded by a weird vapour effect before it vanishes into thin air. Zetha rushes to Frank, while Frank and Herron shake hands in triumph. Later, Herron shows up in Frank's quarters and informs him that tonight he will be sent back to the Moon as they are already close to it. Zetha shows up in Frank's room, and she speaks to him. Apparently, the fright she suffered in the control room scared her back into talking again. She has many things to say. Oh no. Frank is happy, and they kiss. Since she's a whole head shorter than he is, she really has to strain to reach him. He says that he doesn't want to leave her, and she says that she's been in love with him from the first moment she saw him, but she knows he must leave. They kiss again. Frank enters an empty control room, and sees the Moon on the viewscreen. Herron drives the asteroid towards it so that they arrive in one hour. Down on the Moon, another rocket takes off. It has been diverted to meet the asteroid, which has just appeared on radar and is nicknamed the "phantom planet". They are to land on it and investigate. Zetha wishes happiness for Frank on Earth, and gives him a palm-sized stone as a memento. Yeah, that gift had a lot of thought put into it. He says he will keep it forever. Herron enters, saying that a rocket is on its way. They will seal Frank in his spacesuit to expand him. Frank notes how he and Herron have become "good friends", and wishes he and Liara luck. Frank and Liara finally stare deeply at one another before they separate. Frank is sealed in his suit, and Zetha looks sad one more time. We see Frank expanding, filling out the spacesuit. Next, we see a close-up of Frank's face, superimposed onto a weird flashback of his time on the asteroid. This made me mad. I could have been doing something else instead of watching this long, boring drivel because it recaps itself later! Astronaut Lt. White finds Frank lying on the sand and reports this back to the ship, which must have landed somewhere. Frank wakes up, looks around, and babbles incoherently. He asks where Zetha, Sessom, and Herron are. White helps Frank up, assuming he's in some sort of shock. Yeah, lying in the sand on some asteroid for three days would shock me too. White says this planet is a "wandering" one. Isn't that the root term for the word "planet"? White also tells Frank how lucky he is. Frank again asks for Zetha. Hey, you can't have your cake and eat it too! White and his captain pile Frank aboard their waiting rocket and strap him in. Frank is getting better, and he feels okay physically. He speaks vaguely about the asteroid, mentioning Zetha and Herron. The others ignore him. He remembers the stone he was given and looks at it. It's smaller now, a pebble. He knows no one will ever believe him, so there's no point in telling the story. He also knows that they'll make it back to the Moon. I was pulling my hair out, expecting an ending but only hearing Frank wax on and on about his adventure. So finally, the rocket takes off, and we see the asteroid receding in the aft viewer. Frank says no one will ever believe him. We get it. The rocket flies away on its trip home. We hear narration (but it's not Robbie the Robot this time,) repeating the final sentence of the introductory narration: "What then will the future reveal if this story you are about to witness is only the beginning?"But then it echoes the last few words into silence as we see the rocket depart. To top things off, instead of seeing "the end" on the screen, we see a title that reads "the beginning" No, it's over. This movie shouldn't try so hard to be different.
THE BEGINNING!!!
My copy of this movie is on DVD, which I purchased from my local Wal-Mart for CDN$2.88. Quite a find, I'd say. I also bought a copy of The Brainiac from Wal-Mart, which I hope to review as well. I think this movie is the Cleopatra of bad movies. I think it had a reasonable budget, as the special effects aren't so bad. I've seen really awful rocket effects, but the ones in this movie weren't half bad. Also, the rocket interiors were respectable, and given the limited knowledge about them at the time, the asteroids were also decent looking. Of course, we now know that asteroids don't look like deep-fried chicken nuggets, but I'll give this movie credit. 
Fig. 5 - An Asteroid Late breaking news (July 12, 2007) - It seems there are asteroids that look somewhat like chicken nuggets. Consider this asteroid, named 'Itokawa', a tiny one that was recently visited by a Japanese space mission: 
Fig. 6 - Itokawa Perhaps there are Raeton people living there. What then will the future reveal if... Oh screw it. The EVA scene was okay, but could have been better if the astronauts wore genuine spacesuits instead of just their G-suits with a helmet attached. I recognized Fred Gebhardt's name in the writing credits. That's Fred Gebhardt, Anthony Dexter, Francis X. Bushman, and Richard Weber who all worked a year earlier together on 12 to the Moon! Now, on to the plot hole. Why did the Raeton people have Frank arrested? They deliberately sucked him down to the surface, didn't they? Shouldn't they arrest themselves? I guess not. He did assault a Raeton man, but could you blame Frank? All this aside, they found him guilty, and to punish him they let him go free? I wouldn't be happy if I were the guy who got beat up! The movie had a lot of clunky, awkward lines and generally stupid dialogue. The scene where Herron interrogates Frank about his intentions regarding Liara and Zetha is chock full o' stupid. There is also a great deal of science mumbo-jumbo the likes of which Star Trek has never seen. If you like movies with too many writers, philosophical rocketship navigators, or appetizing asteroids, then The Phantom Planet is your kind of movie. July 2, 2004 Back to main site? |
