Power Rangers + Rocky + The Iliad =
 "The ultimate killing machine. Part man. Part metal." Starring Gary Graham, Anne-Marie Johnson, and Paul Koslo Written by Stuart Gordon, and Joe Haldeman Directed by Stuart Gordon American, 1990 There exists a whole genre of animation called 'anime', the English term for Japanese cartoons. In my experience with anime, many of them deal with giant robots, which are usually manned, fighting one another. I've found that some of them (my favourite being Macross Plus), can be quite engaging and good. If you are an American trying to make a film version of these cartoons, you'd best tread carefully. Clearly, Stuart Gordon did not, and so we are presented with Robot Jox, a childish film based on a silly premise that even I could dream up, and I am definitely not a screenwriter. I'd call this a bad movie. Perhaps coincidentally, this film is a Charles Band production, the man who brought us Parasite, Troll, and Arena. Let us begin. We open in the future, with a shot of a snowy forest, littered with some ruined mechanical parts lying around. It looks like a set of miniatures. We also get to hear the opening narration: "It is fifty years since the nuclear holocaust almost destroyed mankind. War is now outlawed, and all territorial disputes between the two great alliances are settled by single combat. Here at the Confederation playing field in Siberia, a battle rages between two gigantic fighting machines, piloted by their nation's champions: The robot jocks."Good gravy, war is outlawed? How'd you manage that? We can safely assume that the world will be in a sorry state, a post-apocalyptic state. Another hunk of machinery falls into the snow, and we hear sounds of a battle off in the distance. We see a larger chunk of debris, making sparks. We cut to the loser in the aforementioned battle, a pilot in a red and white suit. He and his robot are on the ground, and the pilot is shouting up at the victor that he surrenders, and that he thinks he's paralyzed. A tall black robot stands over him.  Fig. 1 - The black robot. Referees who are somewhere nearby tell the winner, a psycho named Alexander, that he has won the fight for the Confederation, and that he must stand down. The loser pilot shouts his surrender, but Alexander raises his robot's foot, and crushes the loser. Alexander smiles, and declares loudly, proudly, and in a Russian accent that someone named Achilles is next. We cut to a control room somewhere. A big fat guy, who can be compared to Joe Don Baker in a cowboy hat, is watching the fight. This is Tex Conway, a former robot jock who is now a manager of sorts.  Fig. 2 - Tex Conway. Tex argues that Achilles should have gone in to fight, because he would have won. We see Achilles (Gary Graham) sitting right there.  Fig. 3 - Achilles. Tex argues with Commissioner Jameson, who is apparently in charge of the whole effort. Everyone we see fights for a world power called the Market, which I suppose is the United States in this loose Cold War analogy. The other side is the Confederation, which I guess is the Soviet Union. Anyway, Tex is arguing with the commissioner. An older-looking Japanese man points out that Alexander knew how to counteract their man's secret weapon, so the pilot's identity didn't make a difference. A spy has struck, stealing secrets about their robots and relaying them to the Confederation. Tex and the commissioner argue some more. The next fight will be over Alaska, a place loaded with natural resources like oil and timber. The commissioner is also eager to keep the Confederation off of North American soil. Achilles is the last jock left on their team, and the next fight is more important, so Achilles was saved for that fight. We cut to a dojo or something like that. Sparring goes on between Achilles and a bunch of other people. Tex watches. When its over, one guy whom I will refer to as 'Male Tubie' attacks Achilles from behind, and Achilles bests him. He refers to all of these people as 'tubies'. Achilles gets up, and both he and Tex watch a female 'tubie' fight all of the men. Next, the commissioner introduces Tex and Achilles to an old woman named Professor Laplace, who created the genetically engineered fighters known informally as 'tubies'.  Fig. 4 - From left to right, Prof. Laplace and Commissioner Jameson. Laplace argues for their humanity, and tells us that they will be trained as new jocks. The Confederation is doing this sort of thing too, so they have to keep up. She asks for sperm from Achilles and Tex, handing them small plastic cups. Achilles jokes about making a "direct deposit", glancing at the female tubie. He gets a towel thrown at him. Tex shows the tubies around the control room. All of the tubies look similar, with black hair and dark complexions. The Japanese man from before is sitting there, folding a paper crane. That's because all Japanese people are highly skilled in the art of Origami. I'll bet you he can also kick ass when it comes to martial arts! Yeesh. Anyway, his name is Dr. Matsumoto, and he's in charge of technical stuff involving the robots.  Fig. 5 - Dr. Matsumoto. According to Tex, tactics for the robot fights are planned here. The female tubie, whose name is Athena, asks about Tex's last fight before he retired. Apparently, Tex was outmatched, yet he won with a single laser shot. She asks how he did it. He says it was luck, and Dr. Matsumoto agrees that there is some luck involved in this sport. We get a shot of Achilles on one of the television monitors, getting suited up for the upcoming fight over Alaska.  Fig. 6 - Athena. We cut to Alex gloating about winning on a television, and he is sooo eeeevil! An outdoor audience watching this TV boos him. The audience members are all wearing filter masks over their mouths and are all in drab, loose clothing, establishing that the air is polluted and they are probably poor. According to a guy on the TV, the Market has a new secret weapon that will be used in this fight, and the Market will beat the Confederation. Odds on Achilles are 4 to 1, and people are taking bets.  Fig. 7 - Audience of the future. We get shots of Achilles walking to his robot. He's won nine fights so far, and is on track to being only the second man in history to win all ten robot fights. Tex was the first. Achilles meets some technicians and teammates, and they salute each other by raising their thumbs, bonking their fists together, and saying "crash and burn". Uhh, is this supposed to be a confidence-inducing salutation? Achilles climbs some stairs into an elevator, which lifts him up to the cockpit level. In the background, we see the robot. It's a vaguely humanoid red and white thing, supposed to be very big and complex looking. It's kind of like the models used in Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. Remember that show? I admit, I watched that religiously when I was very small. So what, we all make mistakes in our youth! This movie is only one step up from that awful show, and even that is debatable. Anyway, this robot looks like a rather small model. After some more stairs, Achilles enters the rather spacious cockpit. He asks one of the technicians present if the ankle joint was repaired. Some clunky Iliad references litter this movie like so much flaming debris. Achilles gets his helmet on, and is sealed inside. The technicians leave. Tex talks to Achilles on a TV screen, a final pep talk. Achilles' brother and his kids call to wish him luck. Tex doesn't like that. He feels that the act of wishing someone luck brings bad luck upon that person. The deck is clear, and the doors in the ceiling open, revealing the sky above. The robot is standing on an enormous elevator, which lifts the robot up to ground level. We see some okay-looking shots of people superimposed over the robot rising up from the hole. Then we see the whole battlefield. It's in some desert-like area. The two robots are quite far apart, and in between and off to the sides are some bleachers for audiences. That's quite dangerous, isn't it? The tower next to the robot moves aside, and Achilles tests the robot by moving. The robot mirrors its jock's actions.  Fig. 8 - Inside the cockpit. Finally, Achilles walks his robot towards the center of the field. The animation sequences of the whole robot are done with stop-motion animation. Everyone is excited, and the stands are full of cheering people. Dr. Matsumoto goes over the new weaponry with Achilles. A saw was replaced with a "fusion arc torch", and new green lasers were installed in the shoulders. After all, everyone knows that green lasers are more effective than any other colour of laser. Achilles walks his robot into the center of the field, and we hear some loud music that really belongs in a Western, and not in a sci-fi film. The crowd cheers, and we see just how close they are to the action. I certainly wouldn't be sitting there.  Fig. 9 - Achilles walks past the audience. The fight begins. The two robots fire missiles and the like at each other from quite a distance away. There are some explosions, and shaking inside the cockpits. Why not load one robot with a very large missile, one that would utterly destroy the opponent? Alexander fires a normal red laser at Achilles, but it's blocked and reflected into the stands, where some kind of energy field or something protects the crowd from the laser. They keep cheering. Achilles fires his new green laser, their secret weapon to destroy Alexander. It does nothing. The team in the control room is dismayed, and Tex is angry about all the spying going on. The "referee floater" flies by, somehow disabling the long range weapon systems. Now the robots have to fight hand-to-hand to determine the winner. Everyone in the crowd cheers Achilles on. Alexander kicks and slams Achilles down to the ground. Achilles may be unconscious, as his alpha waves are "breaking up". Tex begs and screams for him to get up. Alexander advances on him. Naturally, Achilles wakes up and knocks Alexander over. Alexander is evil, which means that he will cheat. The right hand of his robot comes off, and it's rocket powered.  Fig. 10 - The flying fist approaching the audience. As it flies through the air towards the crowds in the stands, Achilles gets up and moves to take the blow, but it's not enough. Instead, Achilles' robot falls backwards into the stands, crushing many people. Achilles pops the glass off of the cockpit, and climbs out. We hear screaming people, and Achilles sees the damage he's done. He may have saved fifty people by taking the fist's blow, but ended up killing hundreds more. We cut to television news, and a newscaster who unfortunately uses Shatner-Speech to talk: "This was the scene only... six hours ago... in the too-aptly named... Death Valley. There are no... words to... describe the magnitude of this tragedy, ladies and gentlemen. The total dead number nearly 300 in this... the worst disaster... in the history of the games."All the while, we see scenes of death and suffering in the stands. It's quite an interchangeable bunch of lines. We return to a hearing in progress about the disaster. The commissioner argues that the Confederation should be penalized for using the hand, clearly a long-range weapon used during the hand-to-hand portion of the fight. Achilles heroically tried to save the lives of the spectators, despite the fact that he killed 300 of them. He demands that the Confederation forfeits the match and removes their claim on Alaska. The four refs, all in striped uniforms, debate quietly. The commissioner sits back down with Achilles, who has a bandage on his forehead from a wound suffered in the fight. The refs make their decision, one not influenced by Achilles' "heroism" or the lives lost in the stands. I've got a problem with that. If Alexander followed the rules, nobody would have died. How can you ignore that fact? The referees must be from the Confederation. They declare the match a draw, to be redone in one week in Death Valley. Alexander laughs at the ruling. Achilles then says that he won't fight again, and the media swarms around him, asking many questions. He says he's done his obligatory ten fights. More stuff derived from The Iliad. Alexander is mad, as he wants to beat Achilles. The commissioner gets the media away from Achilles. In the control room, Tex watches and gets mad. Dr. Matsumoto looks sad. The TV anchorman reports these developments. Then we cut to the dojo, where Dr. Laplace speaks with her tubies, saying that they will fight in the rematch. Male Tubie argues with Athena over Achilles' cowardice, and Athena defends him. Achilles and the commissioner talk. The Commissioner says that Achilles' contract really hasn't expired, because there were only nine fights and a draw. Achilles isn't going for it, and the Commissioner points out the fact that Achilles can't read and therefore can't really understand his contract. Whoa, you've got an illiterate in charge of a very sophisticated robotic killing machine? Is that wise? Achilles turns to go, and the Commissioner is prepared to offer Achilles anything he wants. Again, Achilles won't go for it, and he leaves. Now we're in a bar. There's a filter over the camera, giving everything a blurry appearance. The only other time I've seen such heavy blurring is during a Barbara Walters interview. People are dancing rather oddly. Three men are engaged in a beer-drinking contest, and the three beer glasses are held in a plank, which is tipped into the men's mouths. How stupid is that!  Fig. 11 - Three men and their beers. Achilles is at the bar. He's wasted, and trying to read so he can order another drink. The bartender refuses to serve him. Meanwhile, Athena and Male Tubie approach Achilles, asking Achilles why he tried to save the spectators. In his position, neither Athena, nor Male Tubie, would have done the same so that they could win the fight. They say that the audience signed release forms, and that it was a risk they were taking. Alexander enters, and everyone quiets down. He taunts Achilles, sitting next to him at the bar. Male Tubie challenges Alexander, but Al doesn't take him seriously and dismisses him. Achilles notes that he will be the one to settle the now personal grudge with Alexander, but Alex comes up with this: "Better hope not. I will make your death... interesting."Male Tubie moves to start a fight, but Alexander squeezes the life out of Male Tubie's hand. Do genetically enhanced people have weak hands, or is Alexander genetically modified himself? There's some more petty posturing between Achilles and Alexander, and Alexander leaves the bar.  Fig. 12 - Alexander. Next, we see a psychedelic dream sequence that lasts 39 seconds, showing Achilles' robot falling into the stands, and Alexander laughing his evil laugh. Achilles then wakes up in bed, naked and alone. Check that, naked, but with Athena sitting at the foot of his bed, watching him. She got him there the night before, undressed him, and then watched him all night. She studied him. He sits up, and quickly realizes he's got a hangover and a craving for orange juice, so he stumbles out of bed, crawls around with a sheet around him, bonks his head on a table, stumbles around some more, only to find that there is no more orange juice. He settles for coffee. She, being the perfect human, refuses the coffee. She reports that she studied him to see if a "champion" had something special about his/her body, but she goes on to say that Achilles' body is nothing special. How nice. He says that it's luck, as well as fear. She disagrees, being bred not to be afraid of anything, and she gets agitated with his defeatist attitude: Athena: "I am human. I was bred for a purpose. You... you just happened."She assumes he's a coward, and insists that the fight isn't over until someone wins. She's very disappointed and bitter, and leaves the room. We cut back to the dojo, where all of the tubies are stretching. Achilles and Tex are there, talking about stuff. Tex doesn't think Athena has a chance since she's a girl, but Achilles says the tubies are the future. After stretching, the tubies undress and head for the showers. Achilles gives her a garment of some kind (it is unclear what it is on my VHS copy), and says it was his good luck charm. She accepts it, even though I thought she didn't believe in luck. As she heads into the showers, we briefly see her buttocks. Tex says goodbye to Achilles, and instead of the goofy "crash and burn" salutation, they just shake hands like normal people. Next, we see a flying car coming to a stop outside some apartments. Yes, it is the future, and therefore flying cars are a must, no matter how impractical they may be. See, I don't think flying cars will ever be had in future cities. People in general have enough trouble driving on two-dimensional roads. Now you want to add a third dimension of double-parking, tailgating, and passing on the right? Imagine aerial road-rage! Achilles climbs out of his flying car, using a rather bulky remote control to shut it down and lock it up. How can an illiterate person read any of the instruments in a car, and in a flying car no less? Oh well, Achilles heads off to an apartment, and we see odd posters encouraging women to get pregnant. Like in all post-apocalyptic futures, the birthrate is low. One poster Achilles sees is of himself, but it has been defaced. He enters the apartment of his brother's family, a family with five kids and a sixth on the way. The kids are, of course, excited to see Achilles. We watch some pleasantries, and Achilles sits down to have a beer with his brother, who is wearing lab goggles for an unknown reason. The mother then gets this wonderful phone call: Caller: "Tell that chickenshit Achilles that he can take his goddamned robot and shove it up his ass!"They've been getting some calls like that. The mother sighs, and proudly announces that they will be having real meat with their dinner, to celebrate what I thought was a sombre occasion. She shows Achilles what's cooking: a lone sausage, floating in a stew of some kind. He politely smiles at her.  Fig. 13 - Dinner. The next scene is irrelevant, and lasts 1 minute and 52 seconds. It takes place in the "rattle room", a room that shakes. It is dominated by The Jungle Gym From Hell, a twisted mess of metal bars that goes all the way up to the high ceiling. The tubies are around it, and they have to get to the top, where a hole in the ceiling awaits them. That's the exercise. Very simple. They start, and the room starts shaking. The lights are flashing, and there are weird sounds coming from all over the place. Athena starts climbing, and encounters a bar that instantly becomes red-hot when she touches it, and a bar that squirts oil so she loses her grip. Geez, talk about HARD! Some of the tubies fall to the bottom, where they may break their necks. That's okay, Dr. Laplace will just whip up a new batch. They're a dime a dozen! Anyway, a man almost gets to the top, but he falls when a bar gives under his foot, and instead, Athena makes it. But then, we all knew that from the beginning, right? Achilles was having a nap at his brother's place, but one of the kids wakes him up. He sees on the television that Athena has been chosen to replace him in the upcoming rematch against Alexander. He looks horrified at the idea, and quickly leaves. We cut to the Commissioner's office. Achilles is willing to fight again, as long as the audience is removed. The Commissioner agrees, and the deal is made. Achilles gets suited up, and shows up in the hangar. Dr. Matsumoto is surprised to see him. Achilles asks why there was no new weapon briefing for this fight, and Tex shows up asking the same question. Matsumoto says that the briefing will be on a tape to be shown to Achilles moments before the fight, for security reasons. Wasn't the green laser briefing shown just before the fight as well? I guess not. Having the briefing arranged like this will ensure that no one except Matsumoto and Achilles will know of the nature of the secret weaponry. Achilles is a little worried that he may not be able to figure out how to use it without a test run. Matsumoto is determined to do it this way. He says that the Market has lost more matches through espionage than through being inferior, and that this time, things will be fair. Tex is suspicious of Matsumoto, privately using a racial slur. After all, security was high regarding the green laser, and knowledge of it still got out. They leave, and as they do, Matsumoto casts a sidelong glance at them. MWHAHA! Achilles trains with Tex, and Athena watches. She's mad and Achilles knows it, but he continues punching his punching bag. Now we're at the bar. Achilles orders a beer, and I noticed that he still has a bandage on his forehead. How many days has it been? Athena is there, still mad, claiming that Achilles pretended to retire so he could push for more money. He denies that, and she demands the real reason. He says he "needed the exercise." What does that mean? I was thinking that it would be time for Alexander to show up, and sure enough, Alexander shows up, and everyone goes quiet. They trade barbs: Achilles: "You're making my beer curdle."Now, combined with a Slavic accent, Alexander positively sounds like Count Dracula. Meanwhile, Matsumoto is in his office, recording the secret weapon tape that will later be viewed by Achilles. He finishes it up, and he lets Tex into the office. He wants to know about the new weapons, but Matsumoto instead shows Tex a replay of Tex's final battle, from years earlier. This was the battle that Tex claimed he won with a lucky laser shot, destroying a vastly superior robot. However, Matsumoto ran an analysis of the tape, and found a tiny structural flaw in the armor of the Confederation robot. This leads Matsumoto to the conclusion that Tex was told exactly when and where to fire by the Confederation so that he would win the fight. Tex denies this, clinging to his luck story. That's when Matsumoto pulls a pistol on Tex, accusing him of being a Confederation agent. Tex was made out to be a hero by the Confederation, losing fights to him. This way, Tex could get into a position of trust in the Market and start stealing information. Tex is, naturally, outraged. After all, that last battle won Kampuchea for the Market. Matsumoto isn't convinced. Tex removes his omnipresent cowboy hat, and admits that he is the spy. He then gets the gun, punches Matsumoto in the side of the head, and points the gun at him. Matsumoto recovers, and we see a bruise where Tex's fist made contact. He sure did bruise quickly! Matsumoto secretly starts the camera running, recording Tex and his admissions. I had a flashback to Battlefield Earth at this point. NOOOOO!! Matsumoto holds out a hope that somewhere inside Tex is "the real Tex", a decent man, and not a spy. Tex looks sad and agrees, holding the gun to shoot himself in the head. He then shoots Matsumoto, and arranges it to look like a suicide. In real life, that would never work.  Fig. 14 - Tex sets up the phony suicide scene. Tex is all smiles: "Doc, meet the real Tex Conway."Tex then calls the Commissioner for help, claiming that he confronted Matsumoto, who confessed to being the spy, and that he shot himself to prevent capture. The telephones are quite large for telephones of the future, but never mind. It's the next day. Athena knocks at Achilles' door before the fight. She asks if she awoke him, but he says he could never sleep before a fight. That can't be healthy. He lets her into his room, and she apologizes for yelling at him in the bar. She wishes him luck, and asks him to turn around so she can give him a present. He does so, and she pulls a gun-like object from her tracksuit. She then fires at Achilles' back. He jumps back, and she says it's a sedative, which will knock him out for a few hours so that she may fight. They fight briefly, but she gets him on the ground. She then pulls the telephone out from the wall. He gets up, and there's some more fighting. A wall and a table get smashed. Here comes the piece de resistance or whatever the term is. There's a brief scene where Athena does a spin-kick thingy on Achilles. We see her from behind as she does this move. However, it 's quite obvious that the person doing the kick is not Athena, but a stuntman. A stunt MAN, with a completely different (larger, taller) body! Good gravy, did the director think he could fool us with this! It completely stuck out like a sore thumb. My copy of the movie is on VHS and of rather poor quality. However, I think for a few frames during the spin-kick, the moustache of the stuntman is visible! Gadzooks!  Fig. 15 - The figure on the left is supposed to be Athena. Update (July 30, 2007): Watching the DVD version of this film, it's apparent that the stuntman does not have a moustache. I was overzealous in my criticism and I withdraw that observation.Anyway, Achilles gets her on the bed (this time, it's the girl), and he explains that he wanted to fight so that she wouldn't. He tries kissing her, but Athena takes the opportunity to knee him and take his ID card. She leaves the room, and disables the mechanical door thingy. Now we're in the home stretch of this movie. Athena is all suited up in her helmet and everything, all ready to go. She walks through the hangar, but is very early. This gets noted by some of the technicians, but they dismiss the odd behaviour. The Commissioner finds Tex and asks him about Achilles getting suited up early. Athena is in the elevator on her way to the cockpit. Tex calls from the control room, but she won't answer. She enters the cockpit. One of the technicians pats her on her behind, and she turns to look at him. Her helmet visor is dark, so her face is invisible. However, from this reaction, the technician figures out that the person there is not Achilles. Huh? Does Achilles enjoy butt pats on his way in to the cockpit? Eee, let's get off this topic quickly, lest I get in trouble with Angelfire. Athena subdues everyone there, and climbs into the robot. Meanwhile, Achilles wakes up on the floor, and tries to get out, but finds the door won't work. He looks out the broken walls (they're made of paper or something), but sees that they don't lead to the hallway outside. He can't make a phone call either. He's stuck, but then he gets a bright idea. He grabs his car's remote control, activates the car remotely, and drives it down the road. His car's position relative to him is marked on a graphical display, with graphics that look suspiciously unfuturistic. 1989, perhaps? Achilles drives the car through the wall of his house, and he gets out.  Fig. 16 - Graphics of the future. Now, everyone knows Athena is in the robot. She's all ready to go. Dr. Laplace shows up in the control room and orders her creation not to go, but she refuses. The hangar doors open to the sky, and the elevator starts rising. Tex stops the elevator, but Athena simply climbs out. The Commissioner orders guards to get the robot back, and kill Athena if necessary. We see some scenes of frightened technicians above ground as the robot slowly lifts itself up, to provide us with some scale and convince us that the robot is huge. At this point, Achilles bursts into the control room to see what's going on. He finds Athena in his robot, taking her position on the playing field. The Commissioner pleads with the referees to stop the fight, telling them that it's not their man in control of the robot. However, the ref sees things differently. Apparently, the identity of the jock is not important. I beg to differ, but that's not important now. The referees switch off their monitor, and will let the fight proceed. Achilles asks were Matsumoto is, and Tex informs him that Matsumoto is dead, that he was the spy. Achilles can't believe it. I can't believe they aren't postponing the fight, given that a high-level team member just committed 'suicide'. Oh well, there are many things in this movie that make no sense. Achilles decides that helping Athena is the best thing to do now, so he goes on the radio and tells her to watch the new weapon tape that Matsumoto prepared. Might as well, right? The new weapons are magnesium flares, "many times brighter than the sun." Supposedly, they can blind the opponent for up to ninety seconds. That's pretty good. Right on cue, the tape jumps to Tex killing Matsumoto. Everyone who sees the tape is stunned, and we get close-ups of Achilles, Dr. Laplace, and the Commissioner all looking stunned in their respective ways. Tex seems amused, and when the guards move to take him, he starts laughing. Even Athena is shocked. Tex runs off with the guards chasing him out the control room, and he jumps out a window, falling on the floor of the hangar many stories below, where he lays dead.  Fig. 17 - Tex lying dead in the wrecked hangar. Now, I would think two deaths would prompt at least a postponement out of respect for the two people who died, but no! Everyone returns to their posts as if nothing happened, and the fight will continue. Alex enters the playing field, making a spectacle of himself by flying his robot around. Yes, these robots can fly in a vertical position, like a rocket. We'll see more of that later. Alexander's robot is much taller than Athena's, a huge black thing with four legs. WTF? How can Alexander, a two-legged man, control a four-legged robot?! Athena is frightened (so much for her training), and the firing begins. Early on, Athena uses the blinding flares, and we do see that they are very bright. Athena's helmet has a dark visor, but not Alexander's. He screams and rubs his eyes. He can't see a thing. Everyone in the control room is happy. Now, if I were Athena, I would perhaps move off to the side, or suddenly run toward him and knock him over. What does the real Athena do? She stands still on the field while Alexander madly lunges forward, knocking her over. I sense a curious lack of intelligence in this film. Alexander beats her robot up with his robot, and Athena uses a kind of saw to cut Alexander's right arm off. Alexander continues to pummel Athena, causing some severe damage. Dr. Laplace goes nuts, showing us histrionics of the worst degree. Achilles runs out of the control room, and enters his car. After all, he's got to be the hero. Achilles arrives on the battlefield. Alexander finishes off Athena's robot, and stands over it. The referees declare this a Confederation victory, and order Alexander to stand down. Alexander looks down at the cockpit, and sees that Achilles isn't in there, that it's actually the woman. He lifts the foot of his robot and holds it over Athena, ready to stomp her the way he stomps all those who lose against him. Then he sees Achilles approaching, and smiles. He taunts Achilles through a loudspeaker. We see some really obvious Chroma-Key effects, namely of Achilles and the prop car superimposed into the desert scene around him. The referee ship moves under Alexander's foot and orders him to stand down, else be found "in contempt of process." Achilles makes an angry declaration: "I'm gonna kick your ass!"  Fig. 18 - Achilles yet again. The shining scene of the film. Alexander laughs. Achilles gets into the cockpit and gets the suit off of Athena. Just before she is removed from the robot, he kisses her. Then more people arrive and get Athena back to safety. The referees shout at Alexander, telling him to go away. Even Al's manager/supervisor/whatever, a Russian guy, begs Alexander on a monitor to stop, lest they lose Alaska. Alexander won't stop. He brings his foot down on the ref's ship, and at the last minute, the refs jump to the ground as their ship gets crushed. It was quite a fall, but they seem okay. This means that the Market won, but Achilles has to beat Alex for personal reasons. Achilles, his robot still on the ground, trip's Alex's robot so that it falls too. They both get up, and Achilles' robot morphs a bit like a transformer, and launches like a rocket, flying up into space. Not to be outdone, Alexander follows him. Now they're in orbit around the Earth, chasing each other. Alex targets Achilles and fires a missile. Now, knowing the story of the mythical Achilles, guess where this missile hits the robot. You got it, the ankle! It severs the robot's right foot, and disables the right engine.  Fig. 19 - The rear of Achilles' robot. Here, I must give the movie credit. You see, this is only the second space scene where there is no sound. The exploding missile makes no sound, and neither do the robots. All that can be heard is the soundtrack. A good last-ditch effort on the part of the filmmakers to give this film some respect, but it's too little too late, I think. Still, it was a nice touch. Anyway, both robots reenter the atmosphere. The computer in Achilles' robot reads the cockpit temperatures to him, and according to the computer, the internal temperature maxes out at 400 degrees (no unit given.) Hoohaw, that's some protective suit Achilles must be wearing. It sure doesn't look to be 400 degrees in there! Achilles crashes back down in the desert, not too far from where they were when they took off into space. Alexander too makes a more controlled landing. Alexander stands over Achilles' robot, which can't get up. It's crippled, and claws away. It does manage to roll over, and transform into a tank-like configuration. Achilles promptly gets fired at, but Alexander always seems to miss the target. Not a very good shot. Achilles is driving towards Alexander, and drives under Alex's legs, making Alexander shoot himself (!) Next, a gigantic chainsaw emerges from Alex's robot's crotch region (paging Dr. Freud, yikes!) and cuts into the other robot. Achilles gets out of his doomed robot, and runs off. Alexander follows, taunting the whole way, and almost steps on Achilles. Achilles hangs on to Alex's foot as it is raised back into the air, and there, Achilles spots the severed arm that Athena cut off earlier in the fight. Achilles runs across the desert, and into the arm. It's quite a large thing. There are some controls visible just inside the jagged edge that was cut. Hmm, that's both awkward and convenient at the same time. Somehow, Achilles manages to activate the arm. I guess all robot components have their own little power sources. Achilles presses some buttons on the control pads (how? He can't read!) and manages to get the rocket-powered fist to fly off and hit Alexander's robot. It blows up real good into lots of wee pieces, and it falls over. Achilles stumbles around for a little while, and we are under the assumption that Alexander is dead. However, Al comes at Achilles with a pipe, and they fight with some of the flaming wreckage strewn all over the desert. Achilles gets Alexander in the arm, and there's more fighting. Eventually, they lose the debris and fight man-to-man. Achilles is on the ground, but he knocks Alexander over and they both stand back up.  Fig. 20 - The last fight scene. Alexander grabs a rock, but Achilles has another piece of debris. Achilles has the advantage; he could kill Alexander if he wants to. However, he chooses not to, and puts the pipe down. Why have the winner survive and the loser die if they can both put down their weapons and both live on: "We can live!"Ahh, Really Bad Movie Philosophy. I do love it. Alexander stands with his rock for a few moments, and the music swells. They look at each other for about 27 seconds, until Alexander drops the rock. They salute each other with that "crash and burn" fist and thumbs up thingy, and the movie ends. Yes, that's how it ends. We get the credits.
THE END!!!
I hate movies with endings like this. What happened between the blossoming romance between Achilles and Athena? What about Alaska, what is the Confederation going to do? What will happen to Alexander, and the tubie program? So many questions left unanswered here, I want to pull my hair out. This is worse than the ending in Moon 44! Something that surprised me about this movie (aside from the soundless space battle scene) was the fact that they made a sequel to this movie, called Robot Wars in 1993. Geez, that had to be a direct-to-video release! Fans of the ailing television series Enterprise may recognize Gary Graham, who played Achilles, as Vulcan Ambassador Soval, the grumpy Vulcan guy who doesn't want humans to leave Earth. I haven't watched Enterprise in a while, so I'm a little behind. Gary Graham has also done lots of B-grade sci-fi stuff. Anne-Marie Johnson hasn't done much, though she was in that dreadful TV movie Asteroid. Paul Koslo has been in movies like Cleopatra Jones, Xtro II: The Second Encounter, and Solar Crisis, among other forgettable films, so his resume isn't much to brag over either. What can I say about this movie? It's not utterly unwatchable like some of my other favourites, nor does it have gaping plot holes (unless you count that lazy and abrupt ending.) The acting is standard, the effects are sub-par but okay. It's forgettable, and indeed I do believe it has been forgotten, but I won't forget it. This review will outlast my VHS copy; that I'm sure of. Not a good movie, childish, aiming too high, and what's with all of the clumsy Iliad references and parallels? So, if you like Joe Don Baker imitators, stuntmen who play women, or flying cars crashing through walls, I'm sure you will enjoy Robot Jox. June 8, 2004 Back to main site? |
